BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 11 - 04:06 PM

Okay, allabody, let's consider this thread closed, and go to the next, the 1st Joke Thread of 2011.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Dec 10 - 08:36 AM

"Bravery and Obedience"

Two generals, one from the Army, and one from
the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy
Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over
an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and
once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder',
and then jump off!"

"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole
like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and
jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims
the general.

"Bravery, nothing," snorts the Army general. "Get over
here, private!"

"YES SIR!!" replies the private.

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these
rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present
arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us,
and then climb back down, head first."

"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.

"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"

They look to the Marine. "Private," he says.

"YES SIR!!"

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack.
Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing
'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and
dive off, headfirst."

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and
says, "TO HELL WITH YOU SIR!!"

The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: framus
Date: 27 Dec 10 - 09:44 PM

Mea maxima culpa - whatever that means.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Dec 10 - 11:35 AM

besides, the beer comes in the glass, Dave!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Dec 10 - 08:45 AM

Framus, the guy is in a bar, and the BARTENDER challenges what he wants. What can he say that won't be objectionable to the burly bartender?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 27 Dec 10 - 08:35 AM

Some people call Tantric Sex "The Plumber Position" ~~~ you stay in all day & nobody comes.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Bev and Jerry
Date: 27 Dec 10 - 02:19 AM

Confucius say, "He who laughs last has to have the joke explained to him."

Bev and Jerry

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: framus
Date: 26 Dec 10 - 07:29 PM

Uncle.
Piece of (gl)ass?
But where does the beer come in?
Dave.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Dec 10 - 06:55 PM

Framus, note that he didn't want "a glass/mug/bottle" of beer.

When a guy looks at a pretty girl, what does he maybe want "a piece of"?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: framus
Date: 26 Dec 10 - 03:18 PM

Sorry Dick, I don't get it.
Anyway, reading back through the thread I was reminded of the bloke who brought his (v. large) dog into the bar.
"This will beat any dog you've got" he says.
The barman says "Could he beat my yoke out in the yard?"
"No trouble - let's say a tenner."
Out back, the bloke's dog is polished off in ten seconds flat.
Parting with his tenner, he says "What sort of dog is that?"
"It's a long-nosed, short-legged terrier - some people call it a crocodile."
Happy Pugilism Day, Davy.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 25 Dec 10 - 04:50 PM

And there's the guy who asked the gorgeous blonde barmaid for a date.
From immediately behind him came a voice, belonging to the 6-1/2 foot tall burly bartender: "That's my wife. Now, what'll you have?"
.....and the guy responded, "Er, I'd like a piece of beer."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: framus
Date: 25 Dec 10 - 01:30 PM

Hi Dave-O,
Nice to find someone else with nothing to do on this most auspicious of days - and not a bad joke either.
The previous one reminds me of the bloke who was convinced his wife was having it off with the milkman, so spied on his house after leaving for work one morning.
Delighted to see the milkman arrive, leave the milk and immediately go back to his float, he rushed back home to find the wife at the sink, washing up. He approached from behind, stuck his hand between her legs to hear her say "Two loaves and a crusty please, baker".
Davy (junior?)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Dec 10 - 01:09 PM

"Oh, Schnapps!"

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now
and then, but his passion was for homemade peach brandy.
One of his congregants would make him a bottle
each Christmas.

One year, when the minister went to visit his friend,
hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not
disappointed, but his friend told him that he had
to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit
the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly
agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister
suddenly remembered that he had to make a
public announcement that he was being supplied
alcohol from a member of the church. That morning,
his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face,
waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before
we begin, I have an announcement. I would very
much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of
peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Dec 10 - 09:20 AM

Terrible Weather for a Fishing Trip

One Saturday morning he gets up early, puts on his long johns, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck, and down the driveway he goes.

As he gets to the street he realizes it's worse than he thought: there is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back--now with a different anticipation--and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "And can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Dec 10 - 05:04 PM

Black Crayons (A Study in Parent-School Relations)

This is a letter written by a mother to the proprietor of a blog I frequent, who regularly rails and fumes about "Zero Tolerance" policies in schools and other public functions.

She said:

Your comments about the stupidity of "Zero Tolerance" reminded me of one of the run ins I've had with the school psychologist. After our discussion, I've gained a reputation of being unreasonable and my daughter has gained the freedom to construct anything short of atomic bombs without psychological interference.

It all started shortly after my ill-fated Parent-Teacher Conference (as did my public school reputation for being unreasonable). Within a week of this conference, I received a phone call from said 'psychologist' requesting that I present myself in his office to discuss my daughter's 'problem'. When questioned, he indicated that the 'problem' was different than the one the teacher and I discussed (which was not addressing adults by first name), but coyly refused to 'discuss a situation of this magnitude over the phone'.

The following day, at the appointed time, I appeared with offspring in tow. Horrified looks resulted and said offspring was shuttled off to play in the gym. Apparently these discussions are SECRET.

He began by folding his hands on top of his desk and wearing his 'saintly, patient' expression. *This* is a man who has not only READ the psych books but *believes* them.

    "Has Lauren appeared depressed or been behaving unusually at home?"

    "No, she has not."

    "Her behavior hasn't changed?!"

    "No it hasn't. Pardon my abruptness, but precisely what are you driving at?"

He is now refusing to meet my eyes and fiddling with a paperclip on the desk. Hmmm. I should have trundled my copy of 'Body Language' along with me. He could have fidgeted and I could have merrily looked up all the underlying psychological causes.

    "Well, erm...you see, Lauren is using only black crayon when she's drawing, and studies have indicated that when this occurs the child is usually depressed and attempting to deal with repressed emotions."

    "Ah."

At this point, I was having considerable difficulty repressing one of my own emotions....namely laughter. What rocks do these nitwits crawl out from under? Realizing that my original response would be a Bad Thing, I quickly pasted my Concerned-But-Amused Parental Expression on and continued:

    "Have you considered asking Lauren her reasons for using black crayon?"

Shock. Horror. Complete dismay. He actually began stammering. One does not ask the child. It could cause deep-seated emotional problems, stunt their growth, cause them to suffer from low self-esteem and possibly to begin hanging about on street corners with gangs of second graders.

I excused myself from his office, ostensibly to collect myself, in actuality to collect my offspring from the gym. I arrived at said gym to find my depressed, repressed, emotionally devastated monster attempting to deal with her deep-seated frustration at not being able to reach the rings. Was she crying, fussing or sulking? Nope. She was trying to negotiate with the custodialdrone for a stepladder. At this point, I decided she was entitled to draw with black crayons the rest of her life, if that's what she wanted.

We meandered back to the office and I ignored the look of distress that was shot at me. I parked my recombinant DNA in a chair with orders to 'Behave like a lady.' (Yeah, I know. So sue me.) The conference resumed, this time I addressed my questions to Lauren.

    "Lauren, Mr. Shit-for-Brains indicates that you only use black crayon when you're drawing."

    "Yeah."

    "Do you like drawing in black?"

    "No."

    "Then why do you do it?"

I was treated to the expression that is reserved for humouring slightly thick parents, and I watched as my offspring pasted on her Mom's-an-Old-Lady-But-Harmless expression:

    "They make us line up in alphabetical order when they pass out the crayons. And I'm always last in line...there's nothing left but black!"

I turn to witness what our psychological brainchild is making of all this. He has gone strangely quiet. Fine. This interview is over as far as I'm concerned. Although I confess, I couldn't resist lobbing one more over the fence at him.

    "Thank you sooooo much for your concern regarding my daughter's emotional well-being. I suppose your job would be much easier if all depressions could be cured by simply starting the crayon box from the other end of the queue. In the future however, do you think you could at least ask her before you haul me in here?"

He managed to mutter something which I took for assent -- neither Lauren or myself has heard anything from him since.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Dec 10 - 12:59 PM

The Little Fly

There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.

She ate ... and ate ... and then ... she ate some more!

Finally she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas, she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.

She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.

She had found a solution! The little fly realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again, and work off that big meal too. So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air.

Alas, she dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor.

The moral to this sad story? Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: gnu
Date: 21 Dec 10 - 07:14 AM

One for the kiddies at Xmas...

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied:

"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Dec 10 - 09:34 AM

"Hunting Dogs"

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer
uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him
the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After
three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew
was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of
things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "There's no one around
for miles, why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs,
and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and off he went,
dogs in trail.

That afternoon, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more
dogs?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Dec 10 - 06:18 PM

It was Christmas Eve and all the elves were excited and one was so excited he tripped in the toy shop and broke three toys. An elf went to Santa to tell him the bad news.. that he would have to delay his delivery for one hour so new toys could be made. This stressed santa greatly. The toys eventually complete, santa slung his huge sack up onto the sleigh but as the sleigh was old a wooden support broke and the sack came tumbling off. Santa was now even more stressed and ordered the elves to get the sleigh fixed as soon as possible. He went indoors and shouted "I'm delayed Mrs Claus, make me a coffee please" but she told him they had none so he asked for a cup of tea. "We've run out of Coffee, Tea and Milk" said Mrs Claus at which santas stress level reached an all time high.
There was a loud knock on the door and santa, very angrily answered it. Outside was an angel carrying a Christmas tree.... "Where would you like your Christmas tree"? asked the angel.

So the tradition of the angel at the top of the Christmas tree started!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: HuwG
Date: 15 Dec 10 - 05:51 PM

For the Christmas season ...


Santa Claus was loading up the the sledge with Christmas presents. As he prepared to take off, a stranger appeared. "Who are you?" asked Santa. "I'm the Civil Aviation Authority Inspector" the stranger replied. "I'm here to give you your annual certification flight inspection".

Saint Nick was furious. "I only make one trip each year" he said. "Isn't this Health and Safety gone mad?"

"Rules are rules" replied the CAA man. "Either I come with you to inspect your flight procedures, or you don't deliver any presents next year."

Santa grumbled, but hitched up Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolf, and made room for the inspector on the seat next to him. The inspector climbed aboard, holding a shotgun. "Now this is too much!" shouted Santa. "Why are you bringing that?"

The inspector said "I want to see how you deal with an engine failure on takeoff!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Dec 10 - 12:04 PM

GOVSPECs (Government Pipe Specifications)

Sent over by one of my buddies who still works at NASA....

---

1. All pipe must be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic, centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length -- do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) -- otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. The pipe is supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe is to be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site. (NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.)

6. All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it's a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE" painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long or short pipe.

8. All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it, so the contractor won't mistake it for a small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes from bolts that are quite separate from the big holes in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads. Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on to one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.

13. All pipes shorter than 1/8in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.

14. Joints in pipes for water must be watertight. Those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be airtight.

15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.

16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include; Conduit, Tube, Tunnel, and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Dec 10 - 11:23 AM

Pay Attention in Biology Class

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom.

One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't that just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"OK, OK." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (More sarcasm? Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and eered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.

"Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.

"This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't ever going to happen: Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they ...um... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just... just...."

"Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly!" the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that I'm picturing you pulling on its its teeny little...." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have no idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Dec 10 - 10:58 AM

The Network Administrator Resigns

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP address is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation. However, I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never screw with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

(signed)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 14 Dec 10 - 02:17 AM

A great lady was interviewing two friends who were applicants for the posts of footmen in her great house.

"Your experience sounds quite appropriate," she said. "But of course appearance is most important for above-stairs servants. You would be required to wear livery, such as knee-breeches and silk stockings; so please roll up your trousers so that I can inspect the calves of your legs. Ah, yes, that is quite satisfactory in both your cases. And now finally, please, show me your testimonials."

Said one sadly to the other as they walked slowly away down the long drive: "If you weren't been so pig-ignorant, we'd have got that job."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Dec 10 - 08:36 PM

I have probably posted this in another thread, but it follows naturally on the preceding joke. It is very old:

On his wedding night, the groom is very well satisfied with the bride, but, perhaps as a result, he is immediately consumed with jealousy. After an hour of worrying that she will be unfaithful, he manages to get to sleep, and he has a dream. A fairy appears to him, and gives him a ring, saying, "So long as you keep this ring on your finger, your wife will always be faithful to you." So he puts it on, but right away, the magic ring begins jerking back & forth on his finger, as if it were trying to get off. Then he hears his wife say "That's not right!", and he wakes up, and -- you had better not imagine where his finger is.

I think Freud cites this somewhere.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Dec 10 - 01:42 PM

The Magic Wand

Fred had been divorced twice after his wives cheated on him, so he decided the only way to get a faithful wife was to marry someone who knew nothing of sex. And he meant nothing! He moved to the mountains and found himself a simple, innocent girl, and married her.

On their wedding night, he told her about his "magic wand", and how no one else in the entire world had one. Sure enough, she was enraptured with the "magic" feelings it brought her, and she and Fred were very happy.

But Fred needed to make a living, and he finally had to go out of town on a business trip. But his innocent wife knew only he had a "magic wand", so he left feeling safe.

Yet when he got home he could tell there was something different about his wife, and she was ready to confront him.

"You told me you were the only man in the world with a magic wand," she said.

"Yes..." he started to answer.

"But I found out that Jerry has a magic wand too!" she said, clearly upset.

"Well yeah," he stammered. "Jerry is my best friend, and I had two magic wands, so I thought I should give him one of them."

With that, she burst in to tears.

"What's wrong?" Fred asked, perplexed.

"Well why," she said through her sobs, "did you have to give him the good one?!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Dec 10 - 01:36 PM

A high-school geometry teacher started one lesson
on triangles by reading a theorem.

"If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its
measure is greater than the measure of either of its
corresponding remote interior angles."

He noticed that one student wasn't taking notes and
asked him why.

"Well," he replied sincerely, "I'm waiting until you start
speaking English."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Dec 10 - 09:26 AM

Just made a phone call to the incontinence hotline.....I was asked.... "Can you hold please"?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Naemanson
Date: 10 Dec 10 - 12:02 AM

I heard the dog story as an incident in a tourist trap on the coast of Maine. A local enters the store and asks who owns the great Dane (Saint Bernard/Newfoundland/etc. take your pick as long as it's big) tied up out side. Mr. Tourist steps forward and says it is his dog.
"Good dog?"
"It's the best!"
"well bred?"
"It has pure bred papers going back 10 generations. Why all these questions?"
"Well, it appears my dog has killed your dog."
"What! What kind of dog do you have?"
"Chihuahua."
"No! How on Earth could a Chihuahua kill a Great Dane?"
"He got stuck about halfway down his throat."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Dec 10 - 08:36 AM

"Dogged Out"

A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the
Bronx and, clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which
of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside
to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body
hair growing out of the seams turned slowly on his stool.
He looked down at the quivering little man and said,
"It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe
my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the
hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old
puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my
Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 10:07 AM

Obama defends his compromise with Republicans

Obama is no Abraham Lincoln afterall.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 09:30 AM

"Making The Book"

The Smith family was very proud that their ancestors
had come over on the Mayflower, so they hired best-
selling author Frank McCourt to look up and write a
book about their family history.

Horror of horrors! They discovered that great uncle
Fess had died in the electric chair for committing a
murder. They were devastated.

They didn't want that in the book, but they didn't
want to leave him out either.

McCourt said, "Leave it to me."

When the book came out, the section about Uncle
Fess read like this:

"He was a man who occupied a great seat. He was
attached to his position very firmly. His death came
as a great shock."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 09:29 AM

"Blind Justice"

A young boy walked up to his father and asked,

"Dad, does a lawyer ever tell the truth?"

The father thought for a moment. "Yes, son.
Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win
a case."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 05 Dec 10 - 01:19 AM

No, Joe F ~~ that's Santa Claus: not the same, or to be confused with, Father Christmas of the English mummers' tradition! [Tho they are admittedly often conflated these days ~~ which presumably prevents their being "Stuck in the chimney" too often!]

achoo achoo achoo

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Dec 10 - 11:33 PM

MtheGM: I thought it was because he had popcorn balls.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Dec 10 - 04:43 PM

Holiday Distinctions Finally Explained…

1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Hanukkah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Hanukkah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation to either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida ) or other Jewish funeral home.

2. Christmas is a major holiday. Hanukkah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays: They tried to kill us; we survived; let's eat.

3. Christmas is a time of great gift-giving pressure. People expect special gifts. Jews are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Hanukkah.

4. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Hanukkah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

5. Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come O Ye Faithful.... Hanukkah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?

6. People have fun baking Christmas cookies. People burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes on Hanukkah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.

7. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Hanukkah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything, and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

8. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Hanukkah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $300 per person.

HAPPY HANUKKAH

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 04 Dec 10 - 05:25 AM

Why hasn't Father Christmas really got any children?


Because he only comes once a year and then it's down the chimney.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Nov 10 - 09:30 AM

"The Boss's Lunch"

I have a reputation at work of being a strict boss.

One day I was in the break room with another
manager. I reached into the refrigerator for my
lunch, which was packed in an Ace Hardware
bag.

My co-worker stopped mid-bite and stared at
me, looking a little tense. When I pulled my
sandwich out of the bag, he sighed in relief.

"What's the matter?" I asked him.

"Uh, nothing," he replied. "I was beginning to think you really do eat nails for lunch."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Nov 10 - 02:13 PM

"Ingenious Israelis"

The Israelis have developed an airport security
device that eliminates the privacy concerns
that come with full-body scanners at the airports.

It's a booth you can step into that will not X-ray
you, but will detonate any explosive device you
may have on you. They see this as a win-win for
everyone, with none of this crap about racial
profiling. It also would eliminate the costs of a
long and expensive trial. Justice would be swift.
Case closed.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a
muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an
announcement comes over the PA system . . .

"Attention, standby passengers! We now have a
seat available on flight number XYZ101.   Shalom!"

----------
and, just to be timely . . .

"Pilgrim Thanksgiving Picture"

Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a
family had received a Thanksgiving card with a
painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church.

Grandma showed the card to her small
grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children
liked to go to church with their mothers and
fathers."

"Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "so why is
their dad carrying that rifle?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Nov 10 - 09:13 PM

Isn't that an Aesop's fable, Foolestroupe?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Nov 10 - 07:49 PM

repaired link
http://usera.imagecave.com/donuel/barak-on-beck.jpg

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Nov 10 - 06:52 PM

There is the story of the Spanish peasant who decided to take his donkey to market in order to make sufficient money to feed his large family for another week.
As it was a hot day,he decided to ride the donkey,leaving his twelve year old son to walk beside him.
"Look," said the local busybodies, "That selfish man is riding his donkey,while his poor son trudges through the heat on foot.Disgusting!"
The farmer was embarrassed and dismounted,letting his son ride the donkey.
"Look at at lazy young man,riding in comfort in the heat of the day,while his poor old father struggles through the heat on foot," said the onlookers.
The father ordered his son to dismount.
As they walked through the heat side by side with the donkey ,an onlooker remarked,"Look as those two idiots,you would think one would have enough sense to ride!"
They had just reached a bridge over a deep ravine by this time.
"To hell with the lot of you"cried the farmer as he hefted his donkey over the rails into the ravine.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Nov 10 - 10:28 PM

What did the snail say on the turtle's back?










-Whee!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 17 Nov 10 - 08:04 PM

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target. I wish I could say I'm sorry, but she should have seen it coming.

Dear Mrs. Schulz,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Schulz, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing Management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! there's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 16 Nov 10 - 09:17 AM

Jim,Lurex: I think it was a 1960s thing! I always remember a bespoke tailors in Birmingham called Zissman's which used to outfit bands & the cooler guys. They had a gold lame suit in the window which I craved. Fortunately, by the time I was earning and could have afforded it I had become more sensible! Wouldn't go with the washboard image! Or to work in the library!

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 15 Nov 10 - 01:46 PM

Roger: The joke also doesn't work if you've never heard of Lurex (which I hadn't).

I had, however, heard of gold lamé, which seems to be a generic term, while Lurex is a brand name.

It might be one of those vacuum cleaner/Hoover things.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 15 Nov 10 - 06:20 AM

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise
for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I
have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle
wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the
doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp
from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have
experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and
every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a
delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the
crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in
place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she
announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the
doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the
men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone
else had something to say.


A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just
want to tell my wife the word is sternum

RtS
PS It reminds me of thetime my dear old mum, preparing for a dinner-dance told us she had bought a "nice gold durex* blouse". Dad & I cracked up & I got my ears boxed.
*US equivalent would be "trojan" but it doesn't work with "lurex".

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Nov 10 - 08:19 PM

"Pocket Buddy"

Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me
two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy here."

The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do
you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour
his?"

Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my
best buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out
a little 3-inch man from his pocket.

The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can
drink that much?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some."

So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough,
the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing," says the
bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"

Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and
says, "Hey Al, go get that quarter!" The little guy runs down
to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back
down and gives it to Rodney.

The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's
amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise
in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him
about that time we were in down in Africa on safari and
you insulted that witch doctor!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Bainbo
Date: 03 Nov 10 - 05:29 PM

Courtesy of the English comedian Simon Evans: Three new fathers - an Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani - find their babies have been mixed up at the maternity hospital. The doctor apologises, and offers to let them each go in and sort it out for themselves, picking the one they think is theirs.

First in is the Englishman, who comes out carrying a baby who is clearly Pakistani. The Pakistani father points this out to him. "That may be so," says the Englishman. "But one of those two in there is Welsh, and I'm not taking any chances."

(Please watch the clip. He tells it so much better than I do, deconstructing the joke as he goes along).



By the way, if anyone fancies performing Uncle Dave's George and the Dragon joke, it was written as a monologue in 1933 by Marriott Edgar, for the actor and music-hall comedian Stanley Holloway. Although Edgar was Scottish and Holloway was from London, it was written - as were all of the famous pieces from that partnership - to be recited in a North of England accent.

And BiilD - I did like your story about the Irishman wanting a memorial service for his pet. But offering $5,000? Would those be Irish dollars, or European dollars?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 03 Nov 10 - 07:17 AM

How's YOUR day going?

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve.

"Then some jerk shows up and drinks the whole thing!

"But enough about me, how's your day going?"


RtS