BS: First Joke Thread of 2013

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Feb 13 - 05:27 AM

The girl in the local store asked me for an example of innuendo.. so I gave her one!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Michael
Date: 16 Feb 13 - 06:13 AM

Viagra is a tablet (blue and triangular as I learnt in a pub quiz this week) and therefore should be washed down with a stiff drink.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Dead Horse
Date: 16 Feb 13 - 12:03 AM

If you stick viagra up your butt you will become a real hard ar*e.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: frogprince
Date: 15 Feb 13 - 01:35 PM

Hmmm...Mrrzy, I already knew that an innuendo is an Italian suppository; is a sexual innuendo a viagra pill that's administered by sticking it up your butt?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Feb 13 - 11:29 AM

I'm trying to give up sexual innuendos for Lent, but it's SO hard!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Ernest
Date: 15 Feb 13 - 09:36 AM

Recently we had a thread about Richard III and what happened to his horse.

Now we know.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Ernest
Date: 14 Feb 13 - 12:08 PM

a horse is a horse is a horse is a lasagne, of course....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Feb 13 - 11:59 AM

I hear all the folks who ate horsemeat instead of beef are in stable condition...

To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Feb 13 - 08:41 PM

"I know the police cause you trouble.
They cause trouble everywhere,
But when you die and go to heaven,
There'll be no policemen there." -- "Hobo's Lullaby"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Airymouse
Date: 08 Feb 13 - 05:40 PM

God and Satan get in to an altercation over a line fence. Finally God says, "Wait a minute Satan, I want to consult my lawyer. Satan says, "You ain't got one."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: gnu
Date: 07 Feb 13 - 06:16 PM

PROPOSED CUTS TO CANADA'S HEALTH SERVICE.

The Canadian Medical Association has weighed in on the Prime Minister's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sight .

Pathologists yelled "Over my dead body!", while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Ottawa.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Feb 13 - 10:06 PM

A reporter interviewed Norman Thomas on his deathbed. Thomas was blind and almost deaf.

"How are you, Mr Thomas?"
"Could be worse."
"How could it be worse, Mr Thomas?"
"I might lose my mind."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Feb 13 - 02:13 PM

"It Could Have Been Worse..."

There once was a sheriff who, no matter what the situation,
always said, "It could have been worse" after viewing the
scene of the crime. It drove his two deputies absolutely crazy.

One day, the two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered
an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in,
they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the
bedroom. They both had been shot to death. When the
deputies went to the living room, they found the body of a
man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was
a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and
found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them
both. Then he shot himself."

"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and
suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here, he's
going to say 'It could have been worse' as he always does!"

"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people
in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It
couldn't be worse. You're on." said the first deputy.

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He
walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies.
He then walked into the living room and saw the man on
the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the
sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder
and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in
bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he
shot himself."

After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his
deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it
could have been worse."      

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted,
"Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three
people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead.
It couldn't have been worse!!"

"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there
on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would
be me in there in that bed!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Feb 13 - 10:05 PM

cello wars is funnier

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: machree01
Date: 02 Feb 13 - 07:51 AM

Man in car phones the zoo, says I seen a zebra crossing

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Feb 13 - 12:35 PM

And what have you got when you have two little green balls in your hand?

Kermit's undivided attention.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Jan 13 - 09:16 PM

Thanks Uncle Dave

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F
Date: 31 Jan 13 - 08:30 PM

If you hold up one big green ball in one hand, and another big green ball in the other hand, what have you got?

A Jolly Green Giant.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 31 Jan 13 - 05:47 AM

I think siome of these have been posted here before...

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing.


After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Gordon woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.


RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 21 Jan 13 - 07:44 AM

What do you call an overdone Tesco beef burger? Black Beauty!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 21 Jan 13 - 04:46 AM

"Doctor, doctor, there's a lettuce leaf sticking out of my bottom".
"Don't worry, it's just the tip of the iceberg."

RtS
(I'll get me [white] coat)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mark Ross
Date: 21 Jan 13 - 01:03 AM

Smith & Wesson just announced that they have in production a new pistol.
It's called the Congressman. It doesn't work, and you can't fire it.

Mark Ross

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Dead Horse
Date: 21 Jan 13 - 12:31 AM

A mother goes to Doctor about the size of her sons genitals.
"Doctor i am really worried about the size of James's penis, its tiny."
"Don't worry when he hits puberty he will be fine."
"But Doctor its so small, how will he be able to keep a girlfriend happy when he's older?."
Not seeing how else to get rid of her, he decides to make something up.
"OK, this is an old wive's tale but apparently if you give him loads of toast it should start to get bigger in no time."
"Thank you Doctor, thank you"
The next day little James come down the stairs to see a whole loaf has been toasted and is sitting piled up on the kitchen table.
"Mummy is that all for me?"
"No son, just the top slice, the rest is for your dad."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Jan 13 - 09:50 PM

Lipstick in Catholic School

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.


There are teachers ... and then there are educators!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 19 Jan 13 - 11:19 AM

Two snowmen in a field. One says to the other, "can you smell carrots?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,owl glass
Date: 19 Jan 13 - 10:16 AM

Two circus lions escaped and ate a clown.When they'd finished one said to the other, "Did that taste funny to you?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,999
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 10:50 PM

Good one.

Backatcha, Joe_F.

At the end of his course on mathematical methods in optimization, the professor sternly looks at his students and says: "There is one final piece of advice I'm going to give you now: Whatever you have learned in my course - never ever try to apply it to your personal lives!"
"Why?" the students ask.
"Well, some years ago, I observed my wife preparing breakfast, and I noticed that she wasted a lot of time walking back and forth in the kitchen. So, I went to work, optimized the whole procedure, and told my wife about it."
"And what happened?!"
"Before I applied my expert knowledge, my wife needed about half an hour to prepare breakfast for the two of us. And now, it takes me less than fifteen minutes..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 06:16 PM

Guest,999:
"Doctor, my baby just swallowed a roll of film. Should I try to induce vomiting?"
"No, let's wait and see if anything develops."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 09:51 AM

"Wheelchair"

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's
office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a
wheelchair into the room. As she went to the
receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
and silent.

Just as I was thinking I should make small talk
with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's
lap and walked over to the wheelchair.

Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know
how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the
stroller too."

---------------


"Polite Patient"

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult
assignment of giving immunization shots to
children.

One day, I entered the examining room to give
four-year-old Lizzie her needle.

"No, no, no!" she screamed.

"Lizzie," scolded her mother, "that's not polite
behavior."

With that, the girl yelled even louder, "No, thank
you! No, thank you!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,999
Date: 18 Jan 13 - 09:06 AM

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,999
Date: 17 Jan 13 - 12:10 AM

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. – "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. – "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. – "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. – "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. – "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. – "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

###################################

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,999
Date: 16 Jan 13 - 09:24 PM

Due to unforeseen circumstances tomorrow's Psychics and Mediums Association's meeting has been cancelled.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,Mrr whose computer RsIP
Date: 16 Jan 13 - 07:00 PM

I hear Lance Armstrong finally had the ball to admit to his doping?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mr Red
Date: 16 Jan 13 - 10:40 AM

a guy walks into a bar and goes squelch

It was a Mars Bar.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Jan 13 - 09:11 AM

Senior Golf

Beverly is ninety years old. She's played golf every day since her retirement twenty-five years ago. One day she arrives home looking sad.

"That's it," she tells her husband, Gus. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went."

Her husband makes her a cup of tea, and says, "Why don't you take me with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Beverly. "You're a hundred and three. You can't help."

"I may be a hundred and three," says Gus, "but my eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Beverly heads off to the golf course with her Gus. She tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

She turns to the husband and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied Gus, "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Beverly.

"I don't remember."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 08 Jan 13 - 12:27 PM

True story:

We were on an art school trip to Berlin back in March 2011. In the bar at the Tacheles art-squat (now sadly closed) I was trying to take a group photo but the head of BA fine art didn't like having her photo taken so kept hiding behind the guy next to her, spoiling the once-in-a-lifetime shot.

Back at home I photoshopped an earlier photo of her into one of the artworks on the wall above where she had been sitting, printed half-a-dozen A3 size and put them up in various places around the fine art department (cruel, I know, but that's art students for you...).

Anyway, I'm putting one up in the big studio and one of the BA students asks, "Where's that?". "It's a bar in Berlin", says I. "What", says she, "and they've got a picture of Maggie on the wall?!!".

I really wish I'd said yes...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 07 Jan 13 - 01:54 PM

Maybe she wanted this:

Green Union Jack.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Fergie
Date: 07 Jan 13 - 07:36 AM

This one was told by Phil Callery of the Voice Squad at Góilín Singers Club Puddin' Night.

A woman goes up to a sales man and says "Can I have a green Union Jack please?" the salesman says "Madam Union Jacks come in three colours: red, white and blue" "Oh right" says the woman "In that case give a blue one"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Fergie
Date: 07 Jan 13 - 07:27 AM

Thanks Roger the Skiffler, I got a few good laughs out of that one

Fergus

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 07 Jan 13 - 06:04 AM

I can't remember (!) if this has been posted before:
Senior moments:brain farts
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Jan 13 - 12:02 PM

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, my wife Pat and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a pimple-faced power-tripping arsehole. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres. So Pat called him a small-minded little shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,999
Date: 05 Jan 13 - 10:06 AM

LOL

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,owl glass
Date: 05 Jan 13 - 09:03 AM

Hey Guys,
Someone just tried to sell me a large, blank sheet of paper with "2013" printed real small in the top corner. He claimed it was a Mayan year planner!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 04 Jan 13 - 02:45 PM

dont know the lingo but i LOL.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,999
Date: 04 Jan 13 - 11:25 AM

Here's a gooder.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: The Sandman
Date: 03 Jan 13 - 04:50 PM

why is sex like snow......because you dont know how long it will lastor how many inches you will get

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: The Sandman
Date: 03 Jan 13 - 04:46 PM

did you hear about the two silkworms who had a race ...it ended up as a tie

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: The Sandman
Date: 03 Jan 13 - 04:38 PM

a bread roll went into a pub and ordered a drink, the barman said sorry, we dont serve food in here.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: The Sandman
Date: 03 Jan 13 - 04:36 PM

what do you call a frenchman in sandals... phillipe fallop

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mr Red
Date: 03 Jan 13 - 08:27 AM

How do you let the "air" out. Oh! You already did!