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BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 12 Oct 13 - 08:47 AM "You Must Get Better Marks!" The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said... "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades.... somebody is going to get a spanking...." ------------ "My Dad's Richer Than Your Dad!" Two boys were arguing about whose Dad was richer. FIRST BOY: "My Father is so rich he's going to buy the Pacific Ocean." SECOND BOY: "So, if you don't shut up, I'll tell my Father not to sell it." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Andrez Date: 07 Oct 13 - 05:48 AM Less, less he cried :-) Cheers, Andrez |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: MGM·Lion Date: 06 Oct 13 - 07:57 AM "What, never?" "Harley ever." HMS Pinafore (not) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Andrez Date: 06 Oct 13 - 06:20 AM Oh Gawd!! Cheers, Andrez |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 05 Oct 13 - 10:01 AM The Chicken and the Horse On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley motorcycle. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. The chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse. Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon he too began to sink. He cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking down underneath he told the chicken to grab his junk and he would lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story (and you know there is one!)? When you're hung like a horse you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 03 Oct 13 - 08:48 AM "Late Divorce" An old couple goes into court for a divorce. The judge says to them, "I don't understand. Ted, you're 84 years old, and your wife is 82. You've been married for sixty years. Why do you want a divorce now?" The husband said, "We wanted to wait until the children were dead!" ------------------- "Predicting The Future?" Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too." Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?" Fellow 1 : "A judge told him." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Bert Date: 24 Sep 13 - 12:07 PM MtheGM I used to have that same rule about London. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: MGM·Lion Date: 24 Sep 13 - 12:00 PM I have my own rule for driving in New York City --- Don't. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 24 Sep 13 - 08:53 AM "The Rules for Driving in New York City" 1) When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass. 2) Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car. 3) The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. 4) Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. 5) Always look both ways when running a red light. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Mrrzy Date: 21 Sep 13 - 12:58 PM I'm reminded of some European anti-fascism-during-fascism movies where they said in the disclaimer that it was a work of fiction and that any resemblance to the actual government was merely inevitable. Can't wait, Donuel. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Joe_F Date: 20 Sep 13 - 03:04 PM "There's a hint of fall in the air." "Don't talk with your mouth full." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Donuel Date: 20 Sep 13 - 10:24 AM I have come to practice what I speak. It pays to advertise, hypnotize and even wear ties... Here is the ad copy for my current work. In a world where every prayer, every need want and desire of extreme conservative America has come to life, one man made it his life's mission to show you who when where and why such a heavenly hell erupted from the backed up bowels of the Earth. Coming soon, Donuel's mega cartoon: 'If their prayers were answered' is in such detail it includes the complete new constitution, US map and ball dropping text revealing the "Merica" they always thought they wanted. The New York Times Gazette critics report; 'If their Prayers' is in such detail you can walk into this parallel universe and smell the wind blow ultimate conservatism over the mountains of wealth, through the bunkers of corporatism and over the stench of cadaver filled cesspools of pure philosophically ideal conservative strength. Without a doubt "If Their Prayers Were Answered" is defundamentally the best cartoon the world has ever seen, will ever see and is even now becoming our reality more and more every day. COMING Halloween day 2013. For Real. This Donuel cartoon is not yet rated. Any resemblance to any person living or dead or living dead is not coincidental and is responsible for the physical and psychological changes that this cartoon will cause when combined with hypnosis drugs and alcohol. Warning: Donuel is so mesmerizing that when your people get in touch with his people they forget about you and become forever free. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 20 Sep 13 - 09:10 AM "Adam's Rib" In Sunday School, they were teaching how Lord created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." ---------------- "Adam and Eve" When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 10 Sep 13 - 03:00 PM BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! ___________________________________________ FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. ________________________________________________ FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.. _______________________________________________________ COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. ________________________________________________________ JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. _____________________________________________________________ WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. ___________________________________________________________ And the WINNER is...FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. (Statement of the Century) ___________________________________________________________ Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" ____________________________________________________________ Children Are Quick TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child) ____________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand... ______________________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to; my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!) ___________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher. __________________________________ Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: GUEST Date: 03 Sep 13 - 10:55 AM The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 03 Sep 13 - 09:01 AM "Cutting Class" "Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?" "Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm, y'know, like I don't get anything out of it." "It's Mrs. Dulls' English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 02 Sep 13 - 09:59 AM "The Emotional Male" One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!" ----------- "The Evolution Of Mom" Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first: Your Clothes -1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. -2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. -3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. The Baby's Name -1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites. -2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you. -3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points. Preparing for the Birth -1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. -2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. -3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month. The Layette -1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color- coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. -2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. -3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? Worries -1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby. -2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. -3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. Activities -1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. -2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. -3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. Going Out -1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. -2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. -3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. At Home -1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. -2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. -3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 01 Sep 13 - 09:32 AM "This Bull Reproduced..." This couple went to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and were watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announced the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced sixty times last year." The wife nudged her husband in the ribs, and commented, "See! That was more than five times a month!" The second bull was now to be sold: "Another fine specimen. This wonder reproduced a hundred twenty times last year." Again the wife bugged her husband: "Hey, that's some ten times a month. What do YOU say to that?!" Her husband was getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull was up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced three hundred sixty-five times last year!" The wife slapped her husband on the arm and yelled, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!" The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yelled back, "Sure, once a day!....... But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!!" ------------------ "Vet's Pills" A rancher needed a bull to service his cows but needed to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money came by a week later to see how his investment was doing. The farmer complained that "The bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows." The banker suggested that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returned to see if the vet helped. The farmer looked very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows!" "Wow," said the banker, "What did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked the banker. "I don't know," said the farmer, "but they sort of taste like chocolate." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 24 Aug 13 - 06:38 PM "Strange Collar" An old Jewish man was once on the subway, and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father." The Jewish man thought a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought for a minute and said, "Sir, I am the Father for many." The Jewish man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?" The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people." The Jewish man was taken aback, and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Err . . . Mister, perhaps, you should wear your pants backwards." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 22 Aug 13 - 10:04 AM "Breaking It Off" Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman. "Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs. "Not on her best day," he replied. "Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" "No, she's broke." "Well, then, is it sex?" "Nobody does it like you, babe." "Then what can she do that I can't?" "Uhh . . . Sue me for child support." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Mrrzy Date: 19 Aug 13 - 03:02 PM OK, since this is a true story, it takes a little setting up. And you have to be familiar enough with Family Guy to remember that certain electronic music is associated with gays dancing. So I'm walking by my adult son's room as he's getting ready to get into the shower, and when I stop to chat he goes into a stripper routine and goes thump thump electronically at the same time. I say, I see that you're being a stripper, but why the gay music? He looks at me like I'm an idiot and says, Because I'm a stripper. That's when it dawned on me... ...he wasn't cross-undressing. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: GUEST Date: 18 Aug 13 - 08:57 PM A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too close and completely tore off the driver's door. A cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing. Before the cop had a chance to speak, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any auto body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "You don't even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!" "OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer, "My Rolex!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Joe_F Date: 15 Aug 13 - 07:48 PM Likewise, once upon a time, Groucho Marx was interviewing a medium. He asked, "Can I ask you *anything*?" "Anything," said the medium, "Nothing is hidden from the spirit world." "What's the capital of North Dakota?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: GUEST Date: 15 Aug 13 - 07:21 AM At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the second page was written... For 95 points: Which tire? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Pete Jennings Date: 14 Aug 13 - 08:27 AM Just received this email from a mate of mine: A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them... The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!" The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!" Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something. LOL! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Mrrzy Date: 12 Aug 13 - 12:15 PM Made sense to me?? Click the link, don't click Reply? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Bert Date: 11 Aug 13 - 07:01 PM I just posted this on the "stupid" thread... In an email that I received from Netflix. ------------------------ Please click the link below to contact corporate communications: https://signup.netflix.com/MediaCenter/ContactPR **Please note that this email address is not actively monitored by Netflix staff and any replies will not be answered. ---------------------------- How's that for customer service? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 11 Aug 13 - 11:58 AM The Best Pub in the World A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Newfoundlander were sitting in a bar in Toronto. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. "As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for you." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Newfie. "Back home in Sin Jahn's there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie's claims, but he swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not me myself, personally, no," admitted the Newf. "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 11 Aug 13 - 10:23 AM "Predicting The Future?" Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too." Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?" Fellow 1 : "A judge told him." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: GUEST,DaveA Date: 08 Aug 13 - 12:54 AM A bloke came home from work to find a "post-it" note on the fridge from his wife. It read: It's not working. I'm going to stay with Mum for a while. He scratched his head for a bit & then opened the fridge door. The light came on and he grabbed a cold beer. "F*ck it", he said. "What's her problem"??? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: MGM·Lion Date: 07 Aug 13 - 02:03 AM Uncle Dave's joke above reminds me of a fine Andy Capp cartoon ~~ Old Man: I don't drink and I don't smoke, and next week I shall celebrate my 90th birthday. Andy [puzzled]: How? ~M~ |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 06 Aug 13 - 08:57 PM My Medical Checkup I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 90?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" "Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs? I said, "No, I've heard that all 'red meat' is very unhealthful!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked. "No, I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy people?" "No," I said, "I don't do any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 90?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Steve Shaw Date: 28 Jul 13 - 08:12 PM Exclusively for those who never open religion threads (well done you): Two blokes came knocking on my door last Sunday morning. All they wanted to talk about was vacuum cleaners. I thought "Bloody Jehoover's Witnesses..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Steve Shaw Date: 28 Jul 13 - 08:07 PM Maybe even the second attempt to examine him failed. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Steve Shaw Date: 28 Jul 13 - 08:06 PM Man goes to doctor. Doc: You're going to have to stop masturbating. Man: But why??? Doc: Because I'm trying to bloody examine you! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Steve Shaw Date: 28 Jul 13 - 08:06 PM Man goes to doctor. Doc: You're going to have to stop masturbating. Man: But why??? Doc: Because I'm trying to bloody examine you! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: GUEST,Van Date: 28 Jul 13 - 07:27 PM Always remember that there are plenty of fish in the sea and that if you can't afford a trawler you can always have a tug. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: MGM·Lion Date: 28 Jul 13 - 09:41 AM Doctor: Big breaths. Patient: Yeth. And I'm not even thickthteen! ~M~ |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Mrrzy Date: 25 Jul 13 - 11:14 AM Back to the Open: "Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air." - Jack Benny |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 25 Jul 13 - 09:21 AM "Men Are Like..." Men are like.....Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY. Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why. Men are like ... newborn babies They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap. Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say. Men are like.....Computers Hard to figure out, and never have enough memory. Men are like.....Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair. Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature. Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like.....Noodles. They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough. Men are like.....Place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like.....Used Cars. Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable. Men are like ... vacuum cleaners They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around. Men are like ... Road Kill They usually just lie around until they start to smell. Men are like ... Soap Operas They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear. Men are like ... Old Car Tires Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare. Men are like ... Plastic Wrap Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see through. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 24 Jul 13 - 09:17 AM New Miracle Drugs For Women BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?" ST. MOM'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. PEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer. FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number. ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Joe_F Date: 20 Jul 13 - 06:12 PM A prospective immigrant to Australia is being interviewed. The examiner asks: "Have you ever been arrested?" The applicant raises his eyebrows & says "I didn't realize that was still a requirement". |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: WalkaboutsVerse Date: 20 Jul 13 - 10:56 AM Since The Open is on: a couple of golfers were in the middle of a round when thunder and lightning began to crack from the leaden skies. Suddenly, one pulled out a 1 iron and held it up high. "What on earth are you doing?", cried his partner. "There's lightning about!". To which came the calm reply: "Not even God can hit a 1 iron." And here's my poem cum song on golfing lingo: "Lingolf" - http://writeoutloud.net/public/blogentry.php?blogentryid=26807 |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Ernest Date: 20 Jul 13 - 10:26 AM A little boy comes to President Obama, tugs him at the sleeve and says: "Is it true what my daddy says: you can look in my computer?" Answers Obama: "This is not your daddy". |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 20 Jul 13 - 10:10 AM New Miracle Drugs For Women BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?" ST. MOM'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. PEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer. FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number. ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: MGM·Lion Date: 19 Jul 13 - 05:10 PM A great lady had a vacancy on her staff for two senior footmen, and her housekeeper advertised for them in the appropriate journals. Two friends who had worked together for a time as junior footmen applied for the post, and were called to interview. As this was a fairly senior post, the lady decided to interview them herself. "You have answered my questions most satisfactorily," she said. "Just one more thing. My footmen's livery includes knee breeches, in which they must look smart. So, if you would not mind, please roll your trousers up to the knee so that I can see that your calves are sufficiently shapely. "Thank you. That is excellent. It only now remains for me to see your testimonials." Said one to the other as they walked sadly away from the back door ~~ "If you hadn't been so bloody ignorant, we'd have got that job!" ~M~ |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 19 Jul 13 - 09:56 AM "The Paintings" Liz went to her first show at an art gallery and was looking at the paintings. One was a huge canvas that had black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting was a murky gray color that had drips of purple paint streaked across it. Liz walked over to the artist and said, "I don't understand your paintings." "I paint what I feel inside me," explained the artist. "Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: GUEST Date: 17 Jul 13 - 05:54 PM Worth a listen and view. Not appropriate for children: language. http://www.youtube.com/embed/0ilMx7k7mso |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 17 Jul 13 - 10:14 AM "Newly Rich" The nouveau-riche real-estate developer splurged on a Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow and couldn't wait to show it off. So after a meeting with the bank, he offered one of the senior officers a ride home. "Whaddaya think?" he couldn't resist asking his passenger after a mile or two. "Pretty classy, eh? I bet you've never ridden in one of these before." "Actually, I have," replied the banker graciously, "but this is the first time in the front seat." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013 From: Andrez Date: 16 Jul 13 - 09:54 PM Groan, I saw it coming !!!!! Cheers, Andrez |
