BS: You say tomato...

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Mar 16 - 03:23 PM

24 March 2016

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen... Elizabeth II:

( Not meant for those lacking a sense of humor, and or those that refuse to read a note in its entirety before making a comment)

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). (I love that one)

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ' (I love that one too)

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)

8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,LynnT
Date: 24 Mar 16 - 03:03 PM

the stuff between bricks is mortar.

LynnT
stacker of drystone walls

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 24 Mar 16 - 02:30 PM

'Restroom' is one of those Transpond euphemisms that can cause much flack -- and inconvenience [no pun intended]. American friend once told me of her puzzlement on first coming here at being told, when asking staff for directions to the restroom, that they didn't have one.

But of course all the usages for that particular facility start as euphemisms. Readers of 'What Katy Did' will recall the principal of the school proudly showing the visiting parents the row of washbasins, with the announcement "Our lavatory". And as for 'toilet'... And, now that 'bathroom' has taken over [or had last time I looked], what do Americans these days call the room in which one does - er- bath [or as they would say, bathe]?

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 24 Mar 16 - 02:20 PM

The stuff that goes between bricks is 'gobbo' here in the Backwoods, KV.

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: Kampervan
Date: 24 Mar 16 - 02:05 PM

Alternatively you mix 'muck' in a concrete mixer.

Concrete is for paths and things,cement, as you say, is the binder that sticks things together, don't know if there is a technical term for the stuff that goes in between bricks other than 'muck'.

I think that saying 'cans' is a bit of an industry thing to prove that you're in the know. A bit like when I first joined Findus in the mid 70's and was told that the parent company was called 'Nestlay' not Nestles. Although lots of people say Nestlay nowadays.

Don't you just love it.

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: Musket
Date: 24 Mar 16 - 02:02 PM

Aye Eliza. I used to take a newspaper with me though to get sone rest back in the days of two toddlers, two dogs and her lot always coming over for a cuppa. Rest room indeed in those days. I called it the library.

Pussy is used less, presumably since the double entendres of Mrs Slocombe?

On related titillating humour (note the U) a fanny is not quite our definition, geographically speaking. There was an American music hall song a friend used to sing along the lines of "Everybody wants to hold my fanny, everybody wants to caress my fanny but if anybody was to kiss my fanny! Well, my fanny belongs to me!" In The US, a man could sing it and be funny, takes a feminine touch over here....

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 24 Mar 16 - 01:52 PM

A public 'restroom' is the last place one would want to 'rest'. They usually smell awful. Deposit and go.

I wonder if the expression 'a can of worms' is US or UK? I've never heard 'a tin of worms'.

My old dad was in the RAF and always used 'kite' for an aeroplane. I don't know if this was general or just one of his eccentricities.

I believe if one is 'pissed' in USA one is a bit cross, not inebriated.

They also call a pet cat a 'kitty' not a 'pussy' like us. Perhaps that's rather wise...

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: Musket
Date: 24 Mar 16 - 01:44 PM

Naw they're tins. Never been anything else. You make tins at a cannery.

Sure you weren't making them for the export market? 😂

(To be fair, people say cement mixer when they mean concrete mixer. Cement is just an ingredient. In the industry, you say it correctly, elsewhere you go with the flow.)

Oh... Almost forgot. "Friendly fire." That's as American as pumpkin pie and a bath sponge on a long stick.

Oh, when I went earlier to drop the kids off at the pool, I didn't use the rest room nor the John. I used the shit house, thank you very much.

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: Kampervan
Date: 24 Mar 16 - 01:33 PM

Tin? Can? I started work at Smedley's in Spalding (UK)the early 1970's and one of the first things I was told was NEVER to use the word 'tin'.

I worked in a canning factory,putting food into cans.

A bit like the RAF never say 'plane', it's always 'aeroplane.'

Cans are sometimes tinned but they are always cans.

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 24 Mar 16 - 12:58 PM

"All those extra letters (especially 'u') use up SO much ink over the years, and take extra time to type. we poor colonists prefer to save whenever possible."

Errrrrmmm....'anesthesiologist' (US) v. 'anaesthetist' (UK)? Four extra letters for.....what?? 😜😄

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Mar 16 - 12:46 PM

Will you be going to the rest room for that, Musket? :-)

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: Musket
Date: 24 Mar 16 - 12:42 PM

How the fuck the colonies can out anything Mother Albion is beyond me.

Anyway, if it were "can", the song (faithfully sung above by Raggy) wouldn't work. Tin. Live with it.

It can work the other way of course. Back when I was a volunteer on hospital radio, I recall the first time I ever heard anything by ZZ Top. Yes, I introduced them as Zed Zed Top. My bad, as we are encouraged to say these days.

Oh, and whilst we are at it, I am about to go and have a shit. I am most certainly not going to "take a shit." If anyone wishes to argue over that, you will have to wait as I can only deal with one shit at a time.

💩

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Mar 16 - 12:42 PM

Don't tell them US girls what you keep in your trunks, Dave. They'll only think you have two cars.


Maybe I should kerb my enthusiasm for this little thread diversion...


You're not wrong, Bill, though over here we decidedly say "aluminIum". As a touché, the misspelling of "phosphorus" with a third o is very common your end!

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 24 Mar 16 - 12:36 PM

Enjoy!

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Mar 16 - 10:59 AM

I may have to go outside and roll a fag...

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Mar 16 - 10:55 AM

"Talking of tomatoes, they come in tins, not bloody cans.

Oh, and its aluminIUm."

'Can' is generic, no matter what the material is: those containers have not been made of tin for many years.... same with TIN foil, which is now aluminum foil. (and you may remain stubborn about your cherished pronunciation & spelling, but world-wide you are outnumbered.

http://www.worldwidewords.org/articles/aluminium.htm

All those extra letters (especially 'u') use up SO much ink over the years, and take extra time to type. we poor colonists prefer to save whenever possible. ;>)

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Mar 16 - 05:56 AM

To give the thread a musical bent (bent what, I hear you ask) I wonder if Tam Lin was a Time Lord. Same initials and he does come and go very mysteriously...

That should set the conspiracy theorists off :-)

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Mar 16 - 05:02 AM

The American Tarm Lard?

Mike (from behind the setee!)

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Mar 16 - 01:47 AM

The American Time Lord - Dr Woohoo.

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 11:44 PM

The DH says "WooHoo" sometimes, but not with respect to anything as trivial as emptying the Inbox. For example:

The Royals just beat the Yankees 10-6 after 10 innings.
WooHoo!

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,Captain Hadlock
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 10:30 PM

Well, la-dee-da! or whoop-de-do! depending on income bracket.


http://www.tintinologist.org/guides/lists/curses.html

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 09:54 PM

"Woohoo!" is something one says when "Well, fuck me silly!" would be inappropriate.

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 08:57 PM

Lighter is right about Homer.
The last candidate to say YeeHaa was Howard Dean.

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 07:37 PM

Oh bugger. I've been pm'd. That means logging in grrr..

A quiet night, he says, putting it politely.

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: meself
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 05:38 PM

"Woohoo!" is the cry of young women possessed by the urge to express their joie-de-vie while in a bar drinking their faces off.

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 05:10 PM

The Border Checkpoint's still closed, Musket, but I would have come the long way round, via Sunny Scunny and the M180, if it had been at the Red Lion. But I don't find the Wheatsheaf such an attractive proposition - sorry!

I PMd you, BTW.

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 04:18 PM

From market to market with my brother Jim
well somebody threw a tomato at him
now tomatoes are soft and they don't pierce the skin
but this bugger did it, it come wrapped in a tin.

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,Lighter
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 04:13 PM

Few people say "Woohoo!" You know who says it a lot? Homer Simpson.

Decades ago they sometimes said "Wahoo!" and "Yahoo!" (hence Yahoo.com).

But most of us now say "Wow!" "Whoa!" or "Yes!" in such circumstances.

A few say "Yeehah!"

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 03:49 PM

Nothing to bray about.

Talking of tomatoes, they come in tins, not bloody cans.

Oh, and its aluminIUm.

Has anyone noticed the American styled adverts for films coming to the cinema lately? "In Cinemas June Twenty Three." No, stop it. An advert in The UK should say "In cinemas Twenty third of June." We don't all wear baseball caps, have no sense of decorum and have kids with type II diabetes.

It's been one of those days. Off to the local folk club now. Tatty bye.

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 03:45 PM

Hahaha Steve! I have to admit I do covet my lovely neighbour's 'ass'. She's a super lady and looks very attractive. My 'ass' is enormous, but there...too many crumpets...

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 03:26 PM

"I do find 'ass' for arse ambiguous. It could cause all sorts of misunderstandings with donkeys and bottoms."

Not only that, it causes confusion as to what it is belonging to your neighbour that you are and are not allowed to covet. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 03:13 PM

Eyup BWM! Have The UN opened that bridge yet?

Tonight, Wheatsheaf. The rookery is in France so silly sod here is "running" the singaround.

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 03:09 PM

Thank you Backwoodsman. I stopped posting on here ages ago because someone else calling themselves Eliza was impersonating me, and I got the wind up. But I have missed everybody. I can always turn my laptop off if the going gets rough again. Also I've been rather ill, but am fighting fit once more, and ready for anything!

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 03:02 PM

I'll put my WooHoos on here as well as the wrong thread...

Better WooHoos

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 02:57 PM

Welcome back Eliza,more at to have your words of wisdom here again! 👍😊

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 02:50 PM

.. and I'll have the bearded collie pup on her lap..... 😜

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 02:44 PM

Dunno but if she's selling those puppies, I'll have the one with the pink nose.

(Child Gag No.207. Circa 1979)

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 02:34 PM

I rather like the expression 'baby shower'. I imagine a flock of obliging storks arriving with a mass delivery.
And 'washroom' for toilet is good too.
'In back' is strange. What happened to 'the' in there?
I do find 'ass' for arse ambiguous. It could cause all sorts of misunderstandings with donkeys and bottoms. (Jesus springs to mind)
I've never been to The States. I think I'd like it, but I'd need a phrase book.

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 02:32 PM

... or not...

maybe I just have 2 threads open in different tabs and got momentarily confused....????? 😜

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 02:27 PM

Blimey Dave... something told me you had that on your mind.. must definitely be telepathy !!!!! 😜

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 02:25 PM

Woo Hoo

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,HiLo
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 02:21 PM

I have never understood why Americans say erb instead of herb .

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 02:05 PM

Musket - Do you do that at the same time you weigh their breasts? :-)

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 02:03 PM

Well, punkfolkrocker, the early fifties is when I learned to speak English (born late forties) so that film would be right up my street!

I really am fascinated by the R&B songs on TV. What does it mean please when the singer mentions his girlfriend 'getting low'? In English it would mean she was feeling rather depressed, but I have a suspicion it's something a bit rude.

Flo Rida, Chris Brown, Enyo and Usher all sing brilliantly, but I often haven't much of a clue as to what about. And what are the 'Popo'? Police perhaps? Fascinating stuff!

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 01:53 PM

Today while I was stuck in the house waiting for an amazon logistics delivery,
I watched the 1953 British crime melodrama "Grand National Night" [aka "Wicked Lady"]

toffs, servants, a butler, a village bobby, and a persistent big city police detective...

Now that is how English should be talked proper... 😜

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 01:32 PM

My husband loves McDonalds (poor sod) and it's taken me ages to get used to the person behind the counter asking, "Ter go?" I used to reply, "I beg your pardon?" They'd repeat it, "Ter go?" and I'd repeat, "I beg your pardon?" This little charade could go on for hours, and very pleasant it was, but my husband was waiting at home hungry. The lad then asked if I wanted to eat the thing there and then, or take it away to poison myself with later. I requested the latter. But the 'ter go?' thing never did sink into my thick brain for ages.

I also could't appreciate the word 'fries' for chips. But the tiny, hard needle-sharp matchsticks in a cardboard envelope are certainly NOT chips anyway.

When I watch the music channel on TV, and the American R&B rappers (which I enjoy) I can see how American is actually a completely different language to ours; a Creole perhaps, or a pidgin?

I'm too old for these capers. English aint what it used to be.

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 12:53 PM

Where did me soddin' "don't" go?
🤔

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 12:22 PM

Tomatoes enter into it.

Vinegar does though, at a stroke.

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 12:21 PM

It's pure Derbyshire mate.

It's to do with wooing the ladies.

You grab hold of their bum whilst shouting Woo!Hoo!!!

Subject: RE: BS: You say tomato...
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 Mar 16 - 12:20 PM

You say mis-syle, I say mis-sul....