Song Challenge! - Part 85

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: mousethief
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 03:39 PM

Tush
(think ZZ Top)

I been blind -- a long time
But my hands -- workin' fine
And I don't charge very much
I said baby come down to Hamburg,
I just wanna feel your tush

I can tell -- what's to come
Just by fee - ling your bum
And I don't charge very much
I said baby come down to Hamburg,
I just wanna feel your tush

So just take -- off your pants
It won't hurt -- take a chance
I don't charge very much
I said baby come down to Hamburg,
I just wanna feel your tush

Copyright ©2002 Alex E Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

(my but this is a hard one to put down. I mean, um...)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: MMario
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 03:34 PM

you people are all twisted! crazy! insane! bizarre! Must be why I like it here.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 03:25 PM

Well, Alex, you beat me to that song (I was thinking along the lines of "Put Your Can In The Hand Of The Man Who Feels Your Future"), but you done the song proud!

Genie

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: mousethief
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 03:07 PM

Put Your Buns in the Hand

(Chorus – repeat after each verse)
Put your buns in the hand of the man who reads the future
Put your buns in the hand of the man who knows your past
He can fondle your bum and tell you what's to come, and he can't even see
So put your buns in the hands of the man from Ger-ma-nee.

My mama told me how to tell the future reading palms and tea leaves
But this crazy German man has a more exotic plan, and he believes
He can tell me all about me just by feeling the lines a-written on my butt
And his wife chaperones and insists upon her 10% cut.

(repeat chorus)

Every time I wanna know what the future holds I go to Hamburg
There's a man with two hands who can wax more poetical than Sandburg
Cos my flabby derriere can tell this man who doesn't stare what the future holds for me
But he has eleven fingers and I'm not quite sure how that can be

(repeat chorus interminably, and fade)

Copyright ©2002 Alex E Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 02:55 PM

Very appropriate, Alex--a butt-groping song that needs to be done with a scratcher! LOL!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Deda
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 02:54 PM

It's a delight to have Aine back! So glad you're feeling better. I'm at work so I'll have to sneak back later, if I have any luck. Oh boy, song challenge is back, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy....

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: mousethief
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 02:42 PM

How about a folk rap?

Baby Got Tracks

I read your butts and I cannot lie
You other soothsayers can't deny
When a girl strips down below her waist
I can read her nether face
I feel lines in her cheek designs
Cos her future's in her butt
Take off the jeans you're wearing
I'm blind so I won't be staring
I just wanna read your futcha
I can feel from your patootcha
Whole life's written in these lines
It's like reading highway signs
...

I can't do any more. Sorry.

Alex

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 02:20 PM

Weird. Gotta be the gremlins.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: MMario
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 02:17 PM

they had mutated Genie. They weren't apostrophes no more.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 02:10 PM

Now I notice that there are some "+" signs scattered thru my epic poem. A few days ago, the same thing happened, but with question marks. Now THAT is a mystery to me.

And, Mudself, when I look at my lyrics pre-post--the ones I cut and pasted--, all the apostrophes are there, just as it shows up here in the thread. Were they missing from the post?

I DID leave out the word "a" in the first line of the last verse ("...what a bill of goods you'd sell...).

Anyway, folks, computer gremlins do exist. I'm sure of it.

Genie

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 01:59 PM

MMario, I think you are referring to some occasions recently when I have composed the post using Netscape Composer and then cut and pasted it into the Mudcat thread.  If you do your composition in Composer, as Amos taught me, and then go to "Source View" and cut ONLY the text and paste that into the thread, all your formatting is preserved.  BUT--as I have learned the hard way--if you have included some of your own typed-in HTML code within your text it will show up in the post as if it were text, but slightly altered.  So if I want to do a blue clicky and want to use Composer, I put in the HTML code as usual, but after I paste the post into the thread--before I Submit it--I need to fix (retype) a couple of things in the HTML code that got changed in the cut and paste.

If that's too complicated to be palatable, all you need to know is that it's a software thing and I know how to avoid it--provided I'm paying attention when I'm cutting, pasting, and posting.

Genie

On the other hand, if you're talking about this:

§;- )

that's a self-portrait emoticon.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: MMario
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 01:33 PM

BRAVA! - but Genie - why are your post lately having all sorts of strange characters in them (versus the strange charactors you are speaking to..)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 01:28 PM

If You Could Read Behinds, Doc

New words by Genie;  tune:  by  Gordon Lightfoot

If you could read behinds, Doc, what a tale my tail would tell,
Just like an old fart moving, very gauche with a fishy smell.
In a passage dark, with its odor strong and your hands upon my seat,
You read its history.
Perhaps my fate will be revealed
As you survey my sweet posterity.

And if I show you mine, Doc, what a tale its warts could tell,
Just like a Rorschach ink blot in a bus stop toilet stall.
When you reach the part where the short hairs start, a gentleman, please be,
But a hero you need not.
You need not read my tush again,
Because my 'ending's' just too big to take.

I stand there bare like a porno star who gets groped in a three-way script.
Enter number two: your office nurse to view the scene--
She's videotaping all you 'see' in me--
Oh, for God's sake!  Let's get real!
I never thought it was done this way,
and I've got to say
that I just might get it.
I don't know why you went bad,
But I'm feelin' had, and I want my money back.

If you could "read behinds," Doc, what a bill of goods you'd sell,
Just like an old-time movie 'bout a con with the ol' 3 shells.
In hospital gown with an open back and hands upon my seat,
I'm being told to bend.
And as you read my stretch-mark lines, you know, well, I'm
just tryin' to understand just where you got this knack.
I never thought it was done this way,
and I've got to say
that I just might get it.
I don't know were you went bad,
But I'm feelin' had, and I want my money back.

apostrophes inserted and 'a' added by mudelf ;-)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: wysiwyg
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 12:24 PM

How do you think I got to be the kinda girl that knows it ALL?

~S~

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 12:23 PM

Well, for starters:

By The Size Of Your Flabby Old Moon

words by Genie; tune: obvious

By the size
Of your flabby old moon,
I feel that soon
You'll be hearing love's old sweet tune,

A honeymoon
Will be coming in June.
Your stretch-marked beam
Reveals your dream
Will be coming true soon--
As I read by the moon,
 
 

and

If I could read your tail, love,
What a tale your tail could tell...

(to be continued)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: MMario
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 11:43 AM

Incredible, Don!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: DonD
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 11:27 AM

To the melody of 'Anacreon in Heaven"

Oh, say can you see?
No, I'm blind; pity me!
A new sense, though, I can claim
Which has gained me world fame!
If the tip of one finger
On bare ass cheek shall linger
All the future and past
I can read on your ass!
And each pimple and mole,
Or puckered brown hole,
Bring the truth shining bright
To my keen second sight.
Some may balk at the manner
I approach a ma-a-atter so gra-ave
But my reading would be clearer,
If your butt first you'd shave!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: MMario
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 09:30 AM

HAUL AWAY ULF!

When I was a little lad, or so Ulf Buck he told me
Way haul away, haul trousers down.
My future was both slim and drear
'tis writ on my pos-ter-i-er!
Way haul away! Haul trousers down!

Way haul away - The future do not fear!
Way haul away - It says so on your rear!

when I was a teenage lad, the spread was growing broader
Way haul away, haul trousers down.
Because I wasn't ignorant
And learned the things I oughta!
Way Haul away! Haul Trousers down!

Way haul away - The future do not fear!
Way haul away - It says so on your rear!

And when I reached a full man's years, my "future" was a giant
Way haul away - haul trousers down.
And Ulf said everything was fine
With fate it was compliant
Way haul away, Haul trousers down.

Way haul away - The future do not fear!
Way haul away - It says so on your rear!

So when I started losing weight, and my behind it grew less-oh
Way haul away, haul trousers down
Everything was going wrong, my life is was a mess-oh!
Way haul away, haul trousers down.

Way haul away - The future do not fear!
Way haul away - It says so on your rear!

But now I do not care at all , the size of my behind
Way haul away - haul trousers down
Don't ever trust the future sight
of a seer who is blind!
Way haul away - haul trousers down!

Way haul away - The future do not fear!
Way haul away - It says so on your rear!

Way haul away - The future do not fear!
Way haul away - It says so on your rear!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 06:54 AM

A skit on "The Cobbler's Daughter" as sung by Kate Rusby.

THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER
I am a farmer's daughter and me arse is four-feet wide
Much fame attaches to my name on account of my backside
It's at the village pump
They gossip 'bout my rump
The most splendid rear that you have ever seen

I am a farmer's daughter, I'm broad around the hips
Some men aspire, and some admire, my praise is on their lips
But jealous of my size
Some women folk surmise
That I'd be more attractive if more lean

It's at the travelling circus, I met the German seer
The seer said the future's read from fondling the rear
He doesn't study palms
Instead he studies hams
From whose topography the future can be gleaned

Bend over dear he says to me and let me have a feel
For in the braille of your fair tail, the future is revealed
As his digits he applied
From shock he nearly died
From information overload, it seems

Here he found the future and there he found the past
The now and ever shall be in the contours of my ass
You are a unique case
A walking database
From now on my life's work your bum shall be

You're the oracle of Delphi, with pleasure then, he squealed
The more I mooned, he nearly swooned, as more knowledge I revealed
Each dimple and each crease
Each mole on my tailpiece
Some light upon the future shed a beam

Oh wed me said the seer and be my darling wife
And I shall live in ecstasy as long as I have life
Beside you in the bed
No man better-read
Nimble-fingered on your arse I'll be

The farmer's daughter's husband knows all there is to know
The answer to all questions is in my down-below
My buttocks are a wonder
Which nightly he does plunder
No couple live more happily than we

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 04:18 AM

A parody of "The German Clockwinder" – an oul' Dubliners' number.

THE GERMAN CLAIRVOYANT
A German clairvoyant to Dublin once came
Herr Doktor Ulf Buck was the oul' German's name
And as he was windin' his way down The Strand
He grabbed my bumcheeks in his prescient hands

Singing toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay

Your future, he says, it is hard for to tell
Unless your thick clothing you choose to dispel
For you can't read a book till you turn the first page
And unless you are stripped, then your life I can't gauge

Singing toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay

Don't fear for your honour, for I cannot see
I lost my sight at the young age of three
No ulterior motive, no lechy intent
I am a most noble, dispassionate gent

Singing toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay

So into my lodgings, face down on my bed
My fine nether garments before him I shed
He poked and he prodded, he fumbled and felt
And me lyin' there in my natural pelt

Singing toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay

I see in your future a row with your man
A laddy as muscled as Desperate Dan
And heavens above, the oul' future's not bright
For Herr Doktor Buck who has no gift of sight

Singing toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay

And with that the door opened, and filling the frame
Stood my darling husband, Hugh Divney by name
With an oath and a curse he lit on Doktor Buck
And through the room window the Doktor he chucked

Singing toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay

Ah, wife Maryanne, ah, wife Maryanne
Why did you take in such an innocent man?
To fondle your arse and leave me on the shelf?
If your fortune needs telling, sure I'll tell it meself

Singing toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lumma-lumma
Toora-lye-ay
Toora-lye-oora-lye-oora-lye-ay

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Genie
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 12:57 AM

Áine, welcome back! Glad to hear you are on the mend.

Gotta give this one some thought. Don't wannna leap into the breach prematurely, y'know.

But what makes folks think that being blind would keep a guy from getting "a thrill from the buttock reading?" Isn't the lack of one sense supposed to intensify the others? ;-)

Anyway, Amos-- who is probably somewhere around Redding or the Bay Area by now -- will be delighted that you're back among the living. (See note at the Pacif. NW gathering thread.)

Subject: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 85
From: Áine
Date: 15 Jul 02 - 06:07 PM

OK, so it took me a while longer than a day to come up with this Challenge! (hehehe) . . . My PT really took a lot out of me; but, the good news is that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm feeling much more hopeful about things. Enough of that, now. Let's get to the good stuff! Hope you all have your crayons sharpened and plenty of TP ready for this one -- I'm expecting great things from my darlin' Challenge!rs (as usual!). So, Go For It, Challenge!rs!!!

-- Áine (who's tickled to pieces that she can touch her toes again!!)

'I See Your Future Growing Bigger And Bigger' (Hamburg, Germany) A German clairvoyant is reading his clients' futures by feeling their naked bottoms.

Ulf Buck says buttocks have similar lines to those on the hand, which can be read.

The 39-year-old, who's been blind since he was three, says the bottom is more 'intense' than the hand. He says a reading can give information about his clients' personalities as well as their future wealth, happiness and health.

Mr Buck from Meldorf, northwest of Hamburg, says he's attracting all kinds of clients including a soap star and a stockbroker.

He also says being blind helps to relax his customers as they know they'll remain anonymous and that he doesn't get a thrill from the buttock reading, adding he's happily married.