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BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: GUEST,Sick Squid Date: 21 Dec 06 - 04:33 AM Squid borrows a pair of tweezers to remove the pine needles from his tentacle and gives them back to Douglas fir recycling. Appalled at his own bad pun he settles back to read a few posts at which point he realises that he thought the "p" was silent in snow!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 21 Dec 06 - 02:07 AM I have to agree with MAG--way too much methane in here. Pushing open the large skylight to let the vapor rise and dissipate, Sage then has several elves and one larger tentacle from the squid help maneuver through the door and into it's old place in the same ol' tree stand a crisp, tall, and very fresh and sweet smelling Douglas fir (pseudotsuga menziesii--the "t" is as silent as the "p" in swimming). A sling from the ceiling beams helps stablilize the tree. The apparatus was redesigned two years ago to prevent the tree from again being shot through the roof as if from a sling shot. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MAG Date: 20 Dec 06 - 08:54 PM mmmm, and nary a shred of music anywhere. We gotta fix THAT. Throught this smellproof curtain over here, holiday rounds are beginning. And the nog is homemade, not the nasty stuff in a cardboard quart carton. also champagne. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 20 Dec 06 - 08:45 PM A multitude, a plethora, of large, lime-green bubbles begins to fill the room and as they come in contact with the candles in the candlabra, they explode. Violently. And with a very, very fetid odor. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 20 Dec 06 - 07:17 PM Jungle bells, Santa smells Pracer's pooped his hooves. On his way into the loo He felt his bowels move. Cabbage and onions Broccoli and beans All let loose at once. Should have stuck to cookies and milk But that is just a hunch. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 20 Dec 06 - 05:57 PM Dashing to the Loo, There's not one on the sleigh, Through the bar he goes, Farting all the way. Santa holds his ring, Holds on to it tight, Will he get there just in time? Or will lose the fight? LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 20 Dec 06 - 05:53 PM somebody shat upon the Festivus pole. Oh dear! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Mingulay Date: 20 Dec 06 - 04:36 PM Something stirs in the NORAD command post and it's not the coffee. "Hey Chuck I don't know how but somehow we're picking up some sort of equine shaped veehickle with a nasty looking con trail". Chuck looks intently at the screen "Sho' nuff we is boy, wonder what it is, could be one o' they Russki...................." PAAAAAAAARRRRRRPPPPPPPPPP. SPLAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MMario Date: 20 Dec 06 - 02:25 PM oh Jay-ZUS! guys! I told you! That is not a Christmas tree - it's the multi-directional multi-frequency antenna for the local NORAD station. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 20 Dec 06 - 02:22 PM And here come the Reg Boys and Cletus with a huge recycled Christmas Tree complete with baubles, bangles and bright shiny lights. SINS sits awestruck by the starry, shiny, sparkling display. The cat wisely slinks to the floor and heads for the door. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 20 Dec 06 - 01:14 PM And then the elf, laughing manically, serves the horse the entree. Cabbage with onions. Broccoli. Brussels sprouts. Kale. Cauliflower. And all topped with curry sauce! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MMario Date: 20 Dec 06 - 11:49 AM notice that the horse is not eating cruciferous vegetables (members of the cabbage/mustard families) but cruciform vegetables; particularly in this case daikon and carrots and other root veggies formed into crosses. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 20 Dec 06 - 11:46 AM Meanwhile, the horse is quietly chewing up a couple hundred pounds (about a hundred kilos) of cruciform vegetables. He is grinning wickedly at the elf.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: GUEST,Sick Squid Date: 20 Dec 06 - 11:35 AM Squid peruses the menu crayoned above the bar and finds it hard to read the strange spidery writing, especially as it's in red on a creosote background. The only thing he recognises is the Ceolacanth, he met him once somewhere off Madagascar, and didn't fancy him then let alone in a pate. No, he fancied something less ichthyologically based and minus any sort of sauras. "WAITRESS, DOUBLE EGG, CHIPS AND QUADRUPLE BAKED BEANS PLEASE" he shouted, "I'll fix that farting horse and his elfy friend". "MWUAHHHHHAHAHAHAHAH" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 20 Dec 06 - 11:04 AM Sage comes in a side door with a platter of smoked salmon. Ew! I think I stepped in something. . . sorry, Santa. That must have hurt. Gingerly she steps over Santa's leg. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Leadfingers Date: 20 Dec 06 - 10:52 AM Bit dodgy trying to pull ANYTHING in a bar like this !! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 20 Dec 06 - 09:30 AM My God, no! The barman's pulled a mussel! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Geoff the Duck Date: 20 Dec 06 - 05:19 AM Duck glances around the Tavern. I'm sure I saw the Reg boys come in while back! Wonder where they disappeared? Probably one of those random wormholes! I expect they'll be back shortly. Best get a pint of Rudolph's Revenge before they do. "Hey Barkeep! Can you pull me a good pint and a small plate of the mussels" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 19 Dec 06 - 10:01 PM I think Stiffy the Snowman is beyond protecting the family jewels.... LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 19 Dec 06 - 09:58 PM "Jewels," he muttered to myself. "Gotta protect the family's jewels." And after another drink of rum he slid, face forward, down the front of the bar and laid on his belly on the floor, snoring quietly. Meanwhile, back at the jello pit, someone was lighting the bubbles as they emerged. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 19 Dec 06 - 08:01 PM No worries, sweet kitty. Your treasures are safely tucked away in a re-sealable Glad Bag. I know from experience how precious these rare items are. For anyone interested in seeing the crucified snowman, Jacqui has posted a picture, not the best, but given the lost dog emergency, not bad, on the sacrilige thread. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: My guru always said Date: 19 Dec 06 - 06:23 PM 'Mmmm, lovely brush but what happened to all my lovely tail jewellery I'd been collecting? Some of it was quite rare, I hope it's been put aside safely! Mmmm, nice lap, nice cuddly Catter!' The stray Tabby purred her contentment and tried to keep her claws to herself for the time being. 'That squid's a bit of a worry all covered in jello, he'd better not get a slimy tentacle over here by the bar, you'd never get that out with a flea comb in a million years!' |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 19 Dec 06 - 06:14 PM I hate to admit this Liz but yes. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 19 Dec 06 - 06:10 PM But did you get the pictures??? LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 19 Dec 06 - 06:00 PM Jack Daniels! Straight up! Make it a double and leave the bottle! Jacqui and I are in deep doo doo. She came over to take pictures of that damn light display and while our backs were turned, Seamus snuck out. Try to find a lost dog in the dark in rush hour traffic. Up and down the street we shouted. Jacqui toured the neighborhood. She took one last walk down the street while I went up. Fortunately, a neighbor had seen him and taken our wandering boy in. He hoped no one would claim Seamus because he had altready fallen in love with him. "What a nice dog." he kept saying. Kendall looked as if he could kill the two of us and then shoot the dog. Fortunately, he arrived just as we pulled into the driveway. So - JD straight up until I fall down. Auntie Mary is in big trouble and may not be allowed to see her puppy alone ever again. SNIFF!!&^%*$#@) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 19 Dec 06 - 05:25 PM Wow... 32 inches.... Ah, if only...... LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MMario Date: 19 Dec 06 - 04:08 PM Amos? Do you want me to take away Bert's credit card. I get cranky when I'm trying to fit a 16 foot diameter baking dish into a 32 inch wide oven. L-space isn't the safest thing to handle in a kitchen, you know - and my library card lapsed.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 19 Dec 06 - 04:00 PM Somebody give that man adrink. He needs one. Meantime, I will go with the Fennel Semolina. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Amos Date: 19 Dec 06 - 02:52 PM Just on principle, MM, regarding " a pate comprised of chestnut and Coelacanth" that should read either "composed of chestnut..." or "comprising chestnut...". To comprise is to include or be composed of. From the French and Latin, "to take along with". But no matter how you word it, it sounds scrumptious in a Cretacious sorta way. Does it include post-meteoric iridium seasoning? A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MMario Date: 19 Dec 06 - 01:12 PM Try a taste of this fennel semolina bread. It's subtle - but I think it will go better with the Elasmosaur then the plain. I've got both though. And some whole grain spelt Kaiser rolls as well that are excellent. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 19 Dec 06 - 01:08 PM Hey MMario! Any semolina bread in the back. I would love an Elasmosaur sandwich on semolina with just a touch of salt and horseradish. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 19 Dec 06 - 01:00 PM " Santa slumps back down onto his bag stool " So Santa does poop after all. Somebody let the folks in the other thread know that Santa has baggy stools. Nevermind - I'll tell them myself. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MMario Date: 19 Dec 06 - 12:00 PM The menu's up over the bar - it's written in multi-coloured crayon - maybe that's why you didn't notice it. Being offered tonight (only) is the crown roast of Nile Crocodile Tail with a lotus and wild rice stuffing; garnished with glazed pearl onions, baby golden beets and roast parsnips. crown roast of Elasmosaur neck; stuffed in this case with a pate comprised of chestnut and Coelacanth. Accompianied by Salsify patties and Oyster mushroom ragu. (Note - serves 160 hearty eaters or 240 lesser appetites) Pan seared Belantsea "mussels" - bite sized morsels of prehistoric shark - pan seared in a ramp and butter sauce; served over millet polenta; your choice of salad and vegetable of the day. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: artbrooks Date: 19 Dec 06 - 11:57 AM As Santa finishes slurping the Bushmills from off the bar, he notices the elf sitting over in the corner. "You, elf! Where are all of your buddies? They've run off with all of the toys for the children of the world...and there are a few adult toys in that sack as well." The elf stands up, flips him off, and jumps into the jello vat with the horse and squid. Santa slumps back down onto his bag stool and, ordering a pint of Old Frothingslosh, groans to himself, "and the sleigh, the bloody big red sleigh...where has it gone off to? I have less than a week to get my shit together. Why did I take this job, anyway?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: GUEST,Sick Squid Date: 19 Dec 06 - 11:23 AM Just my luck, a farting equine quadraped. At least everyone looks a bit squiddy now, reminds me of home < |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 19 Dec 06 - 11:11 AM That squid is just pretending to be sick so no one turns him into calamari (or is it scungili?) Squid in Green Aspic with Reindeer Giblets - YUM Kitty, when was the last time you were brushed? Mats and grit and hairballs. You're a mess. Let's see if I can find a brush and flea comb and make you all pretty for Christmas. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 19 Dec 06 - 11:09 AM Quietly, the horse begins to sing. "I'm forever blowing bubble Pretty bubbles in the lime...." Not so quietly, huge bubbles rise to the surface of the jello and burst, scattering bits of green everywhere. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: GUEST,Sick Squid Date: 19 Dec 06 - 10:50 AM Heeyyyyyy, wait a cotton pickin' minnit there, I only just got outa the bay. Bloody freezin' in there it was too. Much better in the jello pit even if it is contaminated with Dobbin exhaust. Still, it'll be good for the rhubarb and roses. Looks around for a serving wench to bring more ale and the menu for lunch. Hopes it's not Ocean Stix again. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 19 Dec 06 - 10:16 AM Over here, Kitty. SINS of the ample bosoms needs a cuddle. Nice warm lap for the kitty. (And sharp claws to keep the squid at bay) SIGH! I hate Christmas. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: My guru always said Date: 19 Dec 06 - 09:30 AM 'Mmm, well poured that Cat! Time for a wash & brush up before napping till the Roast's ready', thought the satisfied Tabby as she surveyed the grotty room for a likely lap.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MMario Date: 19 Dec 06 - 08:48 AM There's a crown roast of Nile Crocodile in the oven - but the honey-glazed gingered pearl onions for the garnish aren't quite done yet. I will serve no roast before it's time!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 19 Dec 06 - 08:43 AM "What? Ain't there nothin' ta eat around this joint? Where's the joint's joint, anyway? No free lunch? No pickled eggs or pickles pig's tails? Not even a wee bit of barbecued brachisaurus to quiet the rumblings of a hungry (and unsuccessful) highwayman's stomach? "Oh well. Pour Bowmore, por favor, mein bierfraulein." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MMario Date: 19 Dec 06 - 08:33 AM That's a Bailey's for the Tabby, some disgusting stuff for the gentleman(?) at the bar; Patented Hangover cure for the Pickled ppoch and Bert's card avaialble all round! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: My guru always said Date: 19 Dec 06 - 07:07 AM A bit of tender Hilary, now that sounds tasty! Not keen on that Pickles, looks like he's been a touch sozzled, he'd better keep his pickled paws off my Baileys if it ever gets here. Now, where's a nice Catter who can get the top off the bottle & pour a seasonal saucer for me?'thought the Not-so-Gruntled Stray Tabby. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 19 Dec 06 - 06:14 AM Heard about the dyslexic pagan? Sold his soul to Santa. Now he's sitting over in the corner, wearing the stripy tights, pointy ears and jingly hat that is the uniform of all Satans' little helpers. LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Black Beauty Date: 19 Dec 06 - 06:09 AM Christmas gets earlier every year. I brought a friends two kids to see Santa in Belfast in the first week of December !! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Geoff the Duck Date: 19 Dec 06 - 04:38 AM Pickles looks around and climbs out of the jar. He blinks once or twice, looks around him to take in the scene. His small wiry haired ears prick up at the sound of horse and squid cavorting in jello. He looks back at the large jar and quietly woofs. "It must have been one bitch of a party!!!" "I've not been that ratted since I woke up in the World Cup all them years back." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: GUEST,Sick Squid Date: 19 Dec 06 - 04:22 AM Squid watches with apprehension as the horse clambers into the jello pit and the level rises dramatically. With a final lurch the horse is in and jello slops all over the floor. "That could cause a nasty accident" says Squid in a concerned, Health & Safety voice when, at that moment, the door burts open and in rush Cletus and the 'boys' looking for their box and its contents............... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 19 Dec 06 - 02:55 AM Never heard of sea horses? Just watch out for the giant chocolate chips.. they're chips, but not chocolate! LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 18 Dec 06 - 11:23 PM Uh oh. I don't believe it. The horse is stepping into the lime green jello pit with the squid. I can't watch. |
