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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: catspaw49 Date: 08 Dec 09 - 02:56 PM So........This guy I knew was planning a trip across the desert and he goes to the Hertz Rent-A-Camel joint and tells them he wants to rent one. The Hertz guy asks if he wants a 7 day or a 14 day camel. Well, the trip is for 16 days and the fellow can't figure out a way to shorten it. After much cajoling, the Hertz guy says, "Okay...Okay...I'll see what I can do." He walks over and selects a large 14 day camel and sticks its head in the water trough. As the camel is drinking, he goes into the Hertz Kiosk and returns with two bricks. The camel is almost full and ready to take its last slurp when the Hertz guy walks behind it. Then, with a powerful swing, he claps the 2 bricks together, smashing the camel's nuts in between. The camel goes 'SSLLLLLUUUOOOORRRRPPPSSSSHHH', and sucks up a ton more water. The Hertz guy walks around to the front and says, "There ya' go pal. That oughta' do it." My traveller friend is appalled. "JESUS CHRIST MAN!!!!!! Doesn't that HURT???"...to which the Hertz guy replies, "Nah........Not if you keep your thumbs out of the way." Spaw |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Steve Howlett Date: 08 Dec 09 - 04:13 PM Boots are selling a "Festive Tampon" with tinsel on the end. But it's only available for the Christmas period. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: GUEST Date: 09 Dec 09 - 08:28 AM They've invented a new express stair lift; it gets you to the top before you forgot what you're going for! Much love, Theresa |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler Date: 09 Dec 09 - 09:04 AM Just to add a bit of musical note. The history of hair-style fashions has been the inspiration for several songs, and one has been revealed in the recent re-discovery of a Victorian news-report concerning a near public riot. Apparently a gentleman had arrived in the north-west of England purporting to be from Paris and had set up a new salon. He was advertising a new process for creating a permanent wave hair-style. The method then current to produce the permanent wave was lengthy, involved several washes of the hair at different temperatures, the theory being that the hair was alternately made supple and brittle, and finishing with a prolonged brushing using an elaborately shaped brush made from specially prepared sheep's wool. The new process dispensed with most of this elaborate procedure and used a small amount of crushed ice shaken onto the head to prepare the hair, followed by the use of a normal comb to put the hair into the desired position. The news report concerned an excited mob of potential customers who had gathered outside the new salon chanting "Comb, comb, comb and shake ice at me. Down with the old woollen brush". |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: GUEST,Noreen Date: 10 Dec 09 - 08:26 AM A white horse walked into a bar. The landlord greeted him cordially, sayng: "Well hello there! We have a whisky here named after you!" To which the horse replied: "What, Eric?!" :0) Hi, Theresa! Nx |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 10 Dec 09 - 09:43 AM Another duck joke: A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano. "Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man. "Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want." Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie. "You grant wishes right?" "Yes." replies the genie. "Hmm, I'd like a million bucks." Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar. "Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!" His friends sitting at the table replies, "Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?" |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: GUEST,Charmion's brother Andrew Date: 11 Dec 09 - 08:04 AM Siamese twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two draft beers, please, Molson Canadian'. The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, boys?' 'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive around for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees. 'Ah, England !' says the bartender 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...' 'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. 'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they can be so arrogant.' 'So why keep going to England?' asks the bartender. [Wait for it.] 'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.' |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 11 Dec 09 - 09:13 AM GROANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: GUEST Date: 11 Dec 09 - 04:09 PM Unnamed guest at 8.28 was me. Don't know when I lost my cookie! Willa |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Willa Date: 11 Dec 09 - 04:11 PM Unnamed guest at 8.28 was me. Don't know when I lost my cookie! Have logged in again. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 12 Dec 09 - 12:33 PM An oldie but a goodie: A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!" |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: kendall Date: 12 Dec 09 - 08:50 PM Sinsull suggesteed this one: During WW2 there was an American GI on a train from London to his unit. He'd spent the weekend in London and was quite "Shagged out after a long squawk". Looking for a seat he noticed one beside an old woman with a little dog on the seat beside her. He said "Madam would you mind moving your dog please"? She replied, "Yes, I'd mind you bloody Yank! You are all so pushy, bugger off." Not being up for a fight, he went looking for another seat. There were none, the train was loaded. Back he came and said, "Madam, there are no other seats, please put the dog in your lap." She replied, "I said, that seat is occupied by my little Fifi, you damn yanks are all alike now push off." There was an old man in the seat just ahead and he had turned slightly to hear the row, and as he did the GI grabbed the dog, opened the window and chucked it off the train! Well, she went ballistic, yelled at the yank and the old man who had now turned completely around and she said, "Did you see what that bloody yank did"? The old man said, "Yes, and you are right, they are all the same, they eat with the wrong hand, they drive on the wrong side of the road, and that one just threw the wrong bitch off the train." |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: katlaughing Date: 12 Dec 09 - 09:34 PM A new homeowner is standing out in his front yard looking up at his roof. A fellow walks by, stops, and also looks at his roof. He says, "Got that roof for free?" The homeowner replied: "It was on the house." (another oldie!) |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Gweltas Date: 13 Dec 09 - 02:54 AM Another one for Theresa..... A Guide to Ireland, but only for the bravehearted... This Special Guide sheds light on the world of Irish politics. Good morning, tourists. Thank you for visiting our wonderful country. Political information has not been included in your brochures, so here to help you understand us better is a special guided tour of Irish politics. Ireland is an island to the west of Britain, but Northern Ireland is just off the mainland – not the Irish mainland, the British mainland. (Look, if you wanted a region where politics are easier to understand, you should have gone to the Balkans.) Now pay attention, please! The capital of Ireland is Dublin. It has a population of a million people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland. Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be part of Ireland, but a successful 30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now definitely in the UK. Had the campaign lasted longer the North might now be in France. Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland. It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in Donegal. Donegal is in the north, but not in the North. It is in the South. No, not the south, the South. (Those who cannot follow this might like to go off to the Giant's Causeway instead. You cannot miss it... it is near a car park.) There are two parliaments in Ireland. The Dublin parliament is called the Dáil, an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers' money. The parliament in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug. Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the Border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste. (Note for Americans tracing their ancestors – fuel launderers are descendants of one branch of the ancient Irish tribe known as Na Níteoirí [launderers]. They are found today, mainly near the Border. The other branch of the family, money launderers, are found all over Ireland. It was Na Níteoirí Ola who composed the ancient Irish air, "I love the smell of freshly laundered diesel in the morning.") Protestants are in favour of the Border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are opposed to it. (Note for Germans learning English – a cross-border body is an organisation, not a Sinn Féin minister who travels frequently between Belfast and Dublin. It should not be confused with a cross border-body, which is a grumpy person in Strabane.) Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the price of drink. We have two types of democracy in Ireland. Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result. If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again. Twice in recent years the government decided the people's choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum. (Note to visitors from North Korea – we told you that you would feel at home in Ireland.) Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin. Ireland has three economies – northern, southern and black. Only the black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red. All IRAs claim to be "the real IRA", but only ONE of them is the REAL IRA. The North's biggest industry is the production of IRAs. We now have the Provisional, Continuity and Real IRAs. The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers because it is the easiest to spell. (Literacy levels are improving. Department of Education inspectors report that every Catholic child at Key Stage 2 can now spell IRA.) So now the rest of you want to go to the Giant's Causeway as well? Fine, but before you go, did you know that the causeway was an attempt in the Tertiary geological period to build an interpretative centre, but the developer ran out of political connections? Oh dear, they appear to have gone – which shows that politicians may advocate tourism, but the systems and society they have produced do little to encourage it. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 14 Dec 09 - 11:29 AM Why did the snowman get kicked out of the grocery store? He was caught picking his nose in the carrot bin. Sorry... |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 15 Dec 09 - 08:17 AM Just gave out my Christmas card. It pictures a very angry Virgin Mary snarling at JC as he walks in the door with a gust of wind and snow behind him. He is of course all saintly. Says she: "Jesus Christ! Shut the damn door! Were you born in a barn?" Says it all...ho ho ho. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: kendall Date: 15 Dec 09 - 08:47 AM SINSULL, Manger! |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: GUEST,badgerbiker Date: 15 Dec 09 - 09:09 AM A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the hell are you?''Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.' |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 18 Dec 09 - 10:36 AM What did the banjo player get on his IQ test? keep scrolling..... Drool. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 18 Dec 09 - 10:39 AM Cannot believe I am resorting to banjp player jokes... What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise?" |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Big Mick Date: 18 Dec 09 - 10:44 AM What do you call a woman on the arm of a banjo player? | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | > > > > > a tattoo! |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 18 Dec 09 - 11:07 AM LOL That's funny. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 21 Dec 09 - 09:55 AM "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SussexCarole Date: 22 Dec 09 - 05:09 PM Hope you're reading all these smiles from your new laptop Theresa Carole xxxx |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Folkiedave Date: 22 Dec 09 - 05:59 PM A party of school children are visiting a church. As they go up into the bell-tower it strikes on and the bell hits a child and knocks him out. The vicar rushes up to the teacher. "Who is he", he asks? "Not sure" says the teacher, "But his face rings a bell". |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: bradfordian Date: 23 Dec 09 - 05:24 PM A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs: In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.' This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?. The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.' 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.' Hmmmmmmmm! |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 23 Dec 09 - 09:06 PM Oh my! Merry Christmas! LOL |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 02 Jan 10 - 10:57 AM Happy New Year, Theresa. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: GUEST,Peter Laban Date: 02 Jan 10 - 11:56 AM Obit |
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