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BS: Humor Us, Chapter II
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: GUEST,Spot (at the kennels) Date: 18 Jan 02 - 12:42 PM Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows XP on my PC. I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows XP CD. To my surpise he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset because the CD had become precious to me but he said "Do not worry, it is unharmed." After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said "Take a close look at it." To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything but then on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright and yet remote, as if out of a great depth: 12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78BEDE8209450920F923A40EE10E510CC98D444AA08E1324 "I cannot understand the fiery letters" I said. "No, but I can." he said. "The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:" One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos Date: 22 Jan 02 - 12:23 PM The boss of a small company called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest, whose theme was "Viagra advertising slogans." Dividing into 10 groups of three,the only rule was they had to use past ad slogans that captured the essence of Viagra. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions, and created a "TopTen List." After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.
10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Jim Dixon Date: 22 Jan 02 - 01:21 PM Reminds me of this list of Possible Slogans Promoting National Condom Week which was being circulated as office photocopy-lore long before we all started using the Internet. (I'm too embarrassed to copy and paste.) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos Date: 28 Jan 02 - 08:49 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos Date: 29 Jan 02 - 06:58 PM And for futher wordivore delectation: [This strongly suggests another Washington Post contest, but my source gave no source. MJP] AFROPHOBIA Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles (or the Jackson Five). PSEUDONYMHOMANIA Compulsive desire to have a lot of sex under an assumed name. DEJA FLU The feeling that one has had this cold before. HYPOCOINDRIA Fear of not having correct change. HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool. HERPES CINEPLEX Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50. CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER Herbal-tea addiction. VISACARDITIS The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit. ALPOPLEXY Canine feeding disorder. STREISAND-BROLIN SYNDROME Excessive displays of affection. SONSTROKE An attack during the reading of a will ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien. POST-DRAMATIC STRESS DISORDER Formerly David Caruso/Shelley Long Syndrome. RUMBATOID ARTHRITIS Joint stiffness caused by "La Vida Loca." OREOPOROSIS Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk. Regards, A. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos Date: 30 Jan 02 - 05:08 PM This one had me crying in my keyboard over you.... The Canonical List of Outrageous Country/Western Song Titles/Lines Submitted to HumourNet by Steve Willoughby of the Oracle Service Humor List Augmented by various others, including Laura White "Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On the Bedpost Overnight?" "Don't Cry On My Shoulders Cause Your Rustin' My Spurs" "Drop-kick me, Jesus, through the Goal posts of Life." "Here's a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares." "How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?" "How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?" "I Been Roped and Throwed by Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral." "I Can't Love Your Body if Your Heart's Not In It" "I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling." "I Fell In A Pile Of You, And Got Love All Over Me" "I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart." "I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine" "I Meant Every Word That He Said" "I Wanna Whip Your Cow" "I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out of Town." "I Would Have Writ You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yecch!" "I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win" "I'd Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me than a Frontal Lobotomy." "I'll Get Over You, as Soon as You Get Out From Under Him" "I'm Gonna Hire a Wino to Decorate our Home." "I'm Just A Bug On The WIndshield of Life." "I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here" "I've Got Four On the Floor and a Fifth Under The Seat" "I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying on My Back in My Bed 'n' Cryin' Over You." "If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You" "If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?" "If It's Got To Be Later, How 'Bout Later Tonight?" "If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low" "If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick, I'll Fall In Love" "If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will" "It Takes Me All Night Long To Do, What I Used To Do, All Night Long" "Learning to Live Again is Killing Me." "May The Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose" "My Every Day Silver Is Plastic" "My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love Jesus" "My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him" "Oh, I've Got Hair Oil on My Ears, and My Glasses are Slipping Down, but Baby I Can See Through You." "Oh, Lord! It's Hard to be Humble When You're Perfect in Every Way" "Please Bypass This Heart" "She Got the Gold Mine, and I Got the Shaft" "She Got the Ring, I Got the Finger." "She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty" "She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without." "Swing Wide Your Gate of Love" "Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone" "There Ain't No Waste in My Baby's Love Canal" "They May Put me in Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face from Breakin' Out." "When the Phone Don't Ring, Baby, you'll Know it's me." "You Can't Deal Me All the Aces and Expect Me Not to Play." "You Can't Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd" "You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat." "You're Ruining my Bad Reputation." "You're The Reason Our Baby's So Ugly" "I'm Just a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love" "Tennis Must be Your Racket Because Love Means Nothing to You" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: GUEST,Uberzole Date: 15 Feb 02 - 01:17 PM ========================================================================== In case you're confused about what might have gone on last night... ] ========================================================================== CONTRARY to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship. Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that,as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward. . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking: . . .so that means it was. . . let's see. . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means. . . lemme check the odometer. . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. COMMUNICATIONS GAP And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their. . . "Roger," Elaine says aloud. "What?" says Roger, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. 'Maybe I should never have. . . Oh God, I feel so. . . " (She breaks down, sobbing.) "What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Roger. "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says. "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that. . . It's that I. . . I need some time," Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says. A BEFUDDLED BEAU (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" says Roger. "That way about time," says Elaine. "Oh," says Roger. "Yes." (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Roger," she says. "Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.) IT'S ANALYSIS TIME The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?" -- Robert F. Dailey |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: GUEST,Galen Date: 19 Feb 02 - 10:31 AM Why men aren't secretaries:
Husband's note to wife on refrigerator: Someone from the Guyna Colleges called. They said Pabst beer is normal. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Johnny Squints Date: 19 Feb 02 - 11:28 AM classic: Guy walks into a bar, and sees that there's a huge jar of money in back of the bartender. He gets a little curious, and asks "Hey man, what's the money for?" "You see that man over there?" the bartender replies, "well, he's a betting man. Likes to keep all his money over here. I wouldn't go against him, though: never seen him lose." And so, the guy sits down, has another seven drinks or so, and eventually stumbles over to the guy that the bartender pointed to. "Hey, man," he says "I heard you're a betting man. What do you gamble on?" "You see that window over there?" The guy with the money says, "I'll bet you that I can jump out that window, do a backflip, and bounce up quicker than you can." "Are you crazy?!" Says the first guy, "It's seven stories down!" "Those are my stakes. Take 'em or leave 'em." The first guy thinks for a while. "OK, I agree. But you have to go first." So, the guy with the money jumps out the window, does four backflips, and bounces back up, all in under half a minute. The first guy is flabbergasted, but it's already been done, so he takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and jumps. He falls seven stories, screaming, to a terribly ugly death. The bartender looks at the second guy as he's putting the money in the jar, and says "Superman, you're an asshole."
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Bill D Date: 19 Feb 02 - 12:00 PM So, two Psychiatrists meet on the street.
"Hi, there" says #1, as they pass.
So, two Psychiatrists meet on the street. "Well," says the first..."You're fine, how am I?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Pied Piper Date: 20 Feb 02 - 11:00 AM A woman went into a bar and asked the barman for a double entendre so he gave here one. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos Date: 02 Mar 02 - 01:41 PM Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won. "Last week I had bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. "Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea! I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of junk sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. "Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. "I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. "Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my dry chamber decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I get in the chamber. "The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't crap for 2 days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt."
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: CarolC Date: 02 Mar 02 - 04:23 PM This is pretty funny...
Go here. When you hear the baby laughing, start moving your mouse around on your screen. Move it around a lot. Try swinging it wide, and then move it around in circles. You'll be glad you did. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Mickey191 Date: 03 Mar 02 - 02:36 PM Jane & Tarzan meet, after a few days she asks what he does for sex. He points to a knothole in a tree and says I use that. Jane lays down and says Come over here, I'll show you the right way.She explains what he is to do, and he agrees. Suddenly he punches her in the stomach. She says, Why did you do that? He says, "I always check for bees first." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 03 Mar 02 - 05:26 PM Carol C: I get no sound. I see the kid laughing and having a good time, but no sound. And yes, my sound card and speakers work just fine. Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: CarolC Date: 03 Mar 02 - 06:43 PM That's weird Dave. I get the sound of a baby laughing. But you can still get some fun out of it if you move the mouse around. I don't know how they did this, but it's pretty interesting. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Elf Date: 04 Mar 02 - 12:07 AM A man walks into a bar. Ouch! Two men walk into a bar. I'd have thought the second man would have seen it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Nigel Parsons Date: 04 Mar 02 - 05:30 AM Abraham takes his son to the rabbi for ritual circumcision. The rabbi opens his drawer, and takes out a scalpel to perform the op. Abraham is a little concerned to notice that the scalpel does not gleam, and queries the rabbi. "That's right" says the rabbi "It's made of wood, Juniper wood!" After the op, Abraham asks the rabbi why he continues the practice, rather than leaving it to a doctor. "Ah!" says the rabbi, "The pay may not be good, but I get to keep the tips". Having, finally, understood the first two replies, Abraham asks what god the tips might be. The rabbi shows him a small purse made from half a dozen foreskins sewn together. Abraham then points out that it is rather a lot of trouble to go to just for a purse. The rabi replies "Yes, but if you rub it, it's a suitcase!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: GUEST,Hamshank Date: 04 Mar 02 - 02:10 PM This gal had been married for a few years, and she was getting fed up with her husband's complete lack of interest in sex. She decided she was going to do something about it, once and for all. She remembered having seen some crotchless panties in a lingerie store awhile back, and thought maybe they'd do the trick. So she went and bought herself a pair. One night, she was feeling particularly amorous, and her husband was in front of the TV as usual, oblivious to everything else. She went and took a shower, got all freshened up and pretty, put on her crotchless panties, sauntered into the livingroom and got between her husband and the TV. She put her foot up on the arm of his chair, leaving everything to view, and said, "Want some of this, tiger?" He said, "Are you kiddin' me? Look what it did to your underwear!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Mrrzy Date: 04 Mar 02 - 02:36 PM What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Micca Date: 05 Mar 02 - 02:01 PM A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse were he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?" "I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied. "No, I won't." Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool. See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh !" "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: The Walrus at work Date: 05 Mar 02 - 02:10 PM Two nuns are driving through Transylvania at night when a vampire lands in the road ahead of them. One nun turns to her companion "Quick, Sister, Show him your cross" So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts "Oi, you! Bugger off!" No one said they had to be funny Walrus |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Jim Krause Date: 05 Mar 02 - 03:23 PM Dead Horse reminds me of another Cajun story One hot summer day, Boudreaux decides a cold beer would be just the thing. So he goes down to Isidore's Pub to have a beer. So Boudreaux is sipping his beer, and Isidore says to him "Hey Boudreaux, how many doors you think I got in dis place?" Boudreaux says "Why Isidore, ev'rybody knows you only got two doors, a front door an' a back door." Isidore says "Bet you five bucks I got four doors." Boudreaux says "OK, lay your money down. You got a front door an' a back door." And Boudreaux starts to reach for Isidore's five dollars. "Not so fast, Boudreaux. I got a front door an' a back door, dat's two." "Right. So gimme dat five dollah." "Oh, no. What's my name?" asks Isidore. "Why ev'rybody knows it's Isidore." says Boudreaux. "An that brass spitoon, ain't that a cuspidore?" inquires Isidore. "Dat's four doors, front door, back door, Isidore, and cuspidore." says Isidore triumphantly, and takes Boudreaux's five dollars. "By dam, I never thought of that. I'm gonna try that on Thibodeaux when I see him." It wasn't three minutes later when Thibodeaux walks in. "Hey Thibodeaux, how many doors you think Isidore has in here?" says Boudreaux. "Why Boudreaux, ev'rybody knows he's only got but the front door and the back door." "Bet you five dollars he got four doors." says Boudreaux. So Thibodeaux lays his money down without a word. "Now," says Boudreaux, "he's got a front door and a back door, that's two." And Thibodeaux strats to reach for the money. "Not so fast, Thibodeaux. What's his name?" "It's Isidore." "Ain't that a door?" says Boudreaux. "And that....that....that.....that damn spitoon done cost me ten dollah today!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 07 Mar 02 - 10:12 AM How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought 'How did I get home?'? As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter. The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices. The beer scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans- dimensional portal. It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'. Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (unidentified drinking injuries). Independent studies have also shown that beer goggles frequently cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. Now we all know... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos Date: 07 Mar 02 - 04:42 PM 1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. 4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. "A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos Date: 07 Mar 02 - 11:13 PM Disorder in the court
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent, don't miss the last one. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Jim Krause Date: 08 Mar 02 - 02:08 PM A rabbi, a doctor, and a lawyer walk into a bar. And the barkeep asked, "What is this, some kind of joke?" Jim |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Justa Picker Date: 08 Mar 02 - 02:45 PM Not appropriate for children...or those easily offended. PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN 8:15 am : Wake up to hugs and kisses. 8:30 am : Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday 8:45 am : Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants 9:15 am : Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil 10:00 am : Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer. 10:30 am : Facial , manicure, shampoo, and comb out. 12:00 pm : Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe. 12:45 pm : Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs. 1:00 pm : Shopping with friends. 3:00 pm : Nap. 4:00 pm : A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer. 4:15 pm : Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage. 5:30 pm : Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror. 7:30 pm : Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing. 10:00 pm : Hot shower. Alone. 10:30 pm : Make love. 11:00 pm : Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling 11:15 pm : Fall asleep in his big, strong arms. A PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN 6:00 am : Alarm. 6:15 am : Blowjob. 6:30 am : Massive dump while reading the sports section. 7:00 am : Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and tea. 7:30 am : Limo arrives. 7:45 am : Bloody Mary en route to airport. 8:15 am : Private jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:30 am : Limo to Augusta National Golf Club. 9:45 am : Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par. 11:30 am : Blowjob 11:45 am : Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens. 12:15 pm : Blowjob. 12:30 pm : Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par. 2:15 pm : Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis. 2:20 pm : Blowjob 2:30 pm : Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap. 3:15 pm : Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew. 4:15 pm : Blowjob. 4:30 pm : Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs. 5:00 pm : Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel. 7:00 pm : Watch Sportscenter. 7:30 pm : Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20oz. New York strip sirloin. 9:00 pm : Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar. 10:00 pm : Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs. 11:00 pm : Massage and Jacuzzi. 11:45 pm : Go to bed. 11:46 pm : One last blowjob. 11:59 pm : Let loose a 14 second, fluctuating 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room. 12:00 am : Laugh yourself to sleep. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos Date: 08 Mar 02 - 04:33 PM Spaw's dogs are trained -- they never leave the room!! A. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 09 Mar 02 - 03:08 PM "Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as I did."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!"
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Amos Date: 10 Mar 02 - 12:20 PM LOL!! For the benefit of those who have slower connections this thread is continued in Chapter III of Humor Us, found by clicking on the link just provided. Regards, A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us, Chapter II From: Mickey191 Date: 10 Mar 02 - 12:22 PM OLD Jewish lady walking from her job in the NY garment district. Young man in a raincoat approaching her, whips open the coat to expose himself. As he passe she says, "Lousy Lining." I love that joke. |