BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity

Subject: RE: BS: OneBright,Shining,MomentOfTrueClarity
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 07:39 PM

Laugh? I'd be feeding the elephant with prunes and beans!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 07:41 PM

The elephant shat directly on top of the Great Man's head! In the dark. I don't know if the elephant knew he was even there, but it scored a direct hit.

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: CarolC
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 08:15 PM

Was Shatner sleeping? If not, why didn't he get out from under the elephant's ass before it shit on him?

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 08:25 PM

No Carol, I have a feeling that Billy-Boy was 3 sheets in the wind and had stuck his head up an elephant's ass all on his own. The rest of this was made up as a cover story to keep him from appearing to be a complete idiot.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 08:59 PM

Okay, people. You wanted it, you got it (sigh). At the risk of suffering carpal tunnel syndrome, I will type most of it out for you...

Ahem.

Several years back Mr Shatner and his wife and daughters and their husbands went on a trip to Botswana, to see the African veldt and photograph the wild animals. So far so good.

They flew by bush place to the vast open plain near the Okavongo River. They camped in the place where vast migrating herds of wildlife gather...and where they attract many carnivores...hence...

****************

"Please listen," our guides intoned, "this is a dangerous place!" We all smiled, raised our eyebrows, and nudged each other's ribs. "All day long we will be at your sides, and we will keep you from doing anything that might get you into trouble. But at night you're on your own. Once we set up camp for the evening you must stay inside your hut. If you do go outside...you might not make it back in. You might be a midnight snack for a lion, or a pack of hyenas, and if you do go outside and get into trouble...well, don't come calling for me. I'm not the crazy one, you are."

Suddenly the giggles and bravado weren't so prevalent. Ashen stares and open mouths took their place. As you might imagine, that evening, we all retired to our huts, closing the windows and doors quickly and securely, before jumping into bed and remaining as still and silent as possible.

Mabe half an hour later, Nerine and I were still vainly trying to sleep and not get eaten, when a foul, vaguely organic odor wafted our way.

"Eeeeew, take a Tums will you, please?" asked Nerine, who was currently poking at me, half-asleep.

"What? Huh? No, it's not..."

I heard a loud, half-snorting, half-grumbling sound.

"Hey, c'mon...you're snoring again, honey. Quit it," came the sleepily annoyed stage whisper.

"Uhhhh...that wasn't me."

"Well then stop making that stupid noise trying to scare me."

At that point a loud noise that can best be approximated with the spelling "BLEEEEEAHHHHHARRRRK!" literally shook the walls of the tent.

"BILL, quit it, right now. It's not funny!"

Y'see, normally, I would've taken a moment to assure Nerine that it wasn't me shaking the tent with my bleating. Normally, I would've reminded her to remain calm and silent. However, both of these options are a bit difficult to pull off when you can clearly make out the shape of an elephant's head as it presses lightly at the side of your tent.

I think the brave and heroic comment I made was something along the lines of "Uhrrrrghle...ummmmm...oh boy."

"Shoo him!" said the pillow next to me.

"Shoo him? Perhaps I could get him to fetch the paper while he's at it."

"Should we run?"

"NO! The guides said to stay put!"

"Yeah, but do you 'stay put' if an elephant's about to sit on you?"

"Good point."

Gingerly, I made my way to the window, and lifted a flap. One square foot of elephant covered it entirely. I moved down the side of the tent to the next window, opened it and was greeted by another square foot of elephant. I moved to the door now...unzipped it very slowly, very quietly, stuck my head outside, squinted into the darkness, and realized that I was currently standing between the elephant's hind legs.

My eyes widened. I opened my mouth to yell, but caught myself...just in time to hear the elephant bleat again...and crap on my head. I kid you not. Have you ever tried to remain "still and quiet" while an enormous pachyderm evacuated its bowels on your head? I'm guessing "no". Let me tell you, it ain't easy.

Imagine twenty gallons of mashed potatoes falling on your head at one time. Imagine the single stinkiest baby diaper you've ever encountered. Multiply that by three or four and you've got the idea. Imagine that as you stand there, horrified, the elephant sighs, lifts its head, and dances away, pausing just long enough to take one backward glance, and (I swear) laugh at the direct hit.

"Do you want to borrow a magazine?" I yelled.

Now imagine you're Nerine, still in bed, watching your hunky studly husband turn from the doorway, covered head to toe in Dumbo poop. You laugh, heartily, until it suddenly dawns on you that neither of us can leave this tent before sunrise, and the only running water is at the other side of the camp. I don't think I've ever watched a woman's broad smile turn into a look of utter horror quite that quickly.

******************


And there you have it. All quoted verbatim from William Shatner's book, "Get A Life". Sheesh. I am all Shatnered out now for the evening.

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: GUEST,name withheld
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 09:05 PM

I'm a Mudcatter (almost said a regular Mudcatter) and embarrassed--but this hits too damn close to home. For medical reasons, the only way I'm at all regular is if every other day now I must use an artificial means of starting the flow. It can take 1 to 4 hours--and when it starts, I better be ready and near a commode. So giggle away good people.

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: Peace
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 09:08 PM

Nothin' to giggle about there, NW. I hope it isn't making your life miserable.

I hope too that you have a great holiday season.

Bruce M

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 09:13 PM

That would certainly not be pleasant, to say the least.

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: SINSULL
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 09:57 PM

That Shatner story reminds me of a video on the animal channel. Some poor guy is doing his daily chores among the elephants - bathing, hosing, feeding. Somehow, just as he gets behind this huge elephant, it sits. You have to see the footage to believe it, He became a human suppository and it takes several people to extract him - embarrassed but unharmed.

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: Amos
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 10:11 PM

There was a documented story not so long ago about a keeper who died curing his elephant of constipation. He fed her pills and such that didn't take and he kept on doing so until they all took effect at once as he was passing behind her, and the resultant avalanche of stored-up dung just drowned the fellow completely.

A

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 10:50 PM

Amos, I believe we have finally come back full circle. I think the guy you described probably had his one bright and shining moment of true clarity amidst that shitstorm, realizing that even an elephant can be given to much milk of magnesia. Not that it did him any good of course, but I feel confident he died wrapped in the warmth of both the elephant crap and the mantle of truth.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: harpgirl
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 11:08 PM

I'm changing your name to Spew...look what you propigated, you old fart...

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: Amos
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 11:47 PM

Wow, Spaw!! I never looked at the mantle of truth in quite that way before!! Thanks!!


ROTFLMAO!


A

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: CarolC
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 11:48 PM

It takes a long time to get the smell of elephant shit out of your clothes.

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: SINSULL
Date: 17 Dec 04 - 12:00 AM

How do you know that , Carol?

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: Amos
Date: 17 Dec 04 - 12:12 AM

That was before we exported tomato juice, I am sure.

A

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 17 Dec 04 - 03:52 AM

Nope... still doesn't beat Gervase... probably because I don't know that many elephants personally.

But I'd like to shake the trunk of the one that shat on Shatner....


LTS

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: CarolC
Date: 17 Dec 04 - 01:11 PM

When I was a zookeeper, I hitched a ride with some fellow keepers who neglected to tell me that the back part of the truck where I was going to be riding had just been relieved of a big load of elephant shit until after I'd gotten in and the truck was already moving. They nearly bust a gut laughing. Elephant keepers don't have much of a social life. Except with other elephant keepers maybe. Of course, my clothes perpetually stunk of fox and bobcat shit back then, so I didn't have much of a social life either (except with other zookeepers).

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 17 Dec 04 - 05:49 PM

Is there any other load of elephant shit other than big?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: catspaw49
Date: 18 Dec 04 - 01:03 AM

Yeah Liz, I think it also comes in "Huge," Monstrous," and "Oh My GAWD."

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Dec 04 - 01:05 AM

Elephant shit is never inconsequential.

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: Amos
Date: 18 Dec 04 - 10:46 AM

Well said, grasshopper.

A

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: wysiwyg
Date: 18 Dec 04 - 10:55 AM

Maybe the elephant thinks he only farted and ends up telling a story a little like Gervase's.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: SINSULL
Date: 18 Dec 04 - 11:00 AM

A happy childhood memory: Mom and Dad took us to the circus. The opening act was elephants and clowns. The clowns were tumbling onto the heads of the elephants, over their backs, and down their tails. You guessed it! One poor clown tumbled onto, across and over...into about 300 pounds of elephant droppings, slid a few feet, jumped up and gayly ran for the exit holding his nose.

Another happy memory: at the zoo, some teenagers were teasing a female elephant by pretending to have something for her to eat and then when she came over backing away with the treat. Amid their glee they failed to notice a large bull coming up behind with a huge turd in his trunk. He flung it at the bars, it splattered into a shower of shit and the tormentors were covered in elephant dung while the bull trumpeted a victory call. I love elephants.

Of course a similar fate befell my Aunt Pat who ran out of peanuts and decided to give a ripe banana to a willing elephant. The elephant was not pleased, removed the nasty slop with her trunk and flung it at the bars. There stood Aunt Pat covered in partially masticated banana.

Now of course there are signs everywhere "Don't feed the elephants".

Subject: RE: BS: One Bright Shining Moment of True Clarity
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 18 Dec 04 - 08:34 PM

Primates are often accused of pitching turds at people. I ain't sayin' it's never happened, I am just sayin' that it's a cultural stereotype that I am sick of hearin' about. If you got locked up in a cage and ogled at day after day by local rubes and yahoos, you might do something similar.

- Chongo