BS: New Planet?

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: MMario
Date: 04 Aug 05 - 03:38 PM

Well - it does make sense for Uranus to be greek -

or maybe not.

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: GUEST,Cluin
Date: 05 Aug 05 - 12:43 AM

Uranus had the same name in both the Greek and Roman myths.

Maybe the Romans thought it was too funny to change.

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: GUEST,The Council of Krith
Date: 05 Aug 05 - 01:13 PM

We Krithians just recently discovered a new planet. Yours. What came as a real surprise to us was that your planet has intelligent biological life. Well...semi-intelligent biological life, at least. This came as a big surprise, because our learned people have always maintained that Krith is the only place in the Universe that has such intelligent life. We poo-pooed all those ridiculous stories about interplanetary visitors, UFO's, crop circles, and all that kind of thing. Most UFO reports, after all, emanate from either hoaxers or foolish people who are mistaking the planet Nemral for a spaceship! Or in some cases, it's probably swamp gas or a hallucination of some kind, under the influence of drugs or overactive imaginations.

But we digress...

Our scientists have always been willing to entertain the possibility that simple forms of microscopic life might be found somewhere in space, but the possibility of another highly developed biosphere and civilization on some other world seemed very, very remote. Krith has ample supplies of water, oxygen, benzene, sappo, and all the other substances needed to support life. In the case of your planet, there was little benzene and no sappo. Accordingly, it was thought that Earth, as you call it, could never support life as we know it.

Well, imagine our surprise this week when our probes determined beyond any shadow of doubt that your planet Earth is positively infested with biological life, in bewildering variety AND has a developed civilization capable of interplanetary travel!!!

We have now monitored your TV programming and find it quite puzzling. Are you all completely insane? It seems that you may be, if your television programs are indeed an accurate depiction of your daily life.

We on Krith are willing to help, but with caution. You appear to be dangerously insane, so we intend to remain at arm's length, as it were, for awhile until we can decide what will work and what won't in terms of cultural exchange, trade, and all that sort of thing.

At any rate, the undeniable proof we now have of complex life on another world, despite the general absence of benzene and sappo, has shaken our scientific community to its core. We have also confirmed that you have orbited spacecraft and have sent some beyond your world. This suggests that at least some Krithian UFO stories may be correct.

The Amazing Skandy, Krith's most famous professional skeptic, has experienced a nervous breakdown as a result of these revelations about the new planet, Earth, and is now under heavy medication. It appears that his skepticism has been confounded for all time.

- The Council

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: John Hardly
Date: 05 Aug 05 - 01:25 PM

There have always been more and extra planets. They hide behind the bigger ones and peek around the edges of them only when telescopes from trailer parks are aimed their way. That's why ET's always abduct folks that live in trailer parks.

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: GUEST,The Council of Krith
Date: 05 Aug 05 - 01:29 PM

That is interesting, John Hardly. On Krith it is illegal to abduct anyone, so we don't have those kind of problems, nor do we have "trailer parks". Can you describe your trailer parks for us? Are they a kind of building or a large vehicle? Do you have a TV show about them that we can tune into? Also, please explain what is an "E.T."?

- The Council

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: John Hardly
Date: 05 Aug 05 - 01:46 PM

I would assume that and "ET" is to Earthlings as an "EK" would be to you.

As to trailer parks...

trailer parks are the center of the universe for:

Maury Povich and Jerry Springer watchers
Howard Stern listeners
Tornados
Tall hair
Prison tattoos
UFO 's'ficianado's (see Gary Burbank)
Monster trucks
Gravy-on-everything cuisine

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: GUEST,The Council of Krith
Date: 05 Aug 05 - 01:56 PM

Aha! "EK's". Yes, we have had many stories about EK's, all of which were dismissed as complete claptrap by the scientific community and the Amazing Skandy. Now that we have discovered advanced life on Earth, we are a bit more open to the concept of EK's. We are a bit relieved that your spacecraft appear to be somewhat primitive at this point in time, as we would not want to have to deal with a large influx of insane Earthlings for the time being. We are preparing holding tanks in case you do arrive...and Nilch Blasters. Nilch Blasters turn all your skeletal structure into jelly, thus rendering you unviable without major injections of sappo.

You have us completely befuddled on the trailer park matter, but we will continue to investigate it.

As an Earthling, John Hardly, would you describe yourself as:

1. intelligent life
2. semi-sentient life
3. mobile but barely self-aware life
4. semi-conscious life
5. life possessing a measure of free will
6. self-activating unit
7. able to conform with programmed routines, but incapable of independent thought
8. or none of the above ???

- The Council

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: John Hardly
Date: 05 Aug 05 - 02:01 PM

"...Now that we have discovered advanced life on Earth..."

Really?!! Where?!!

Okay, so "advanced" isn't exactly the same as "intelligent".

"Advanced" is past tense however, and I could hardly agree more.

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: GUEST,The Council of Krith
Date: 05 Aug 05 - 02:10 PM

Your modesty and self-deprecating humor are refreshing, John Hardly. We on Krith appreciate such wit. You will have to pardon us now, as we must temporarily suspend this connection for a recess. We will return later.

- The Council

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: MMario
Date: 05 Aug 05 - 02:18 PM

I say introduce the krith to the ralphs.

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: GUEST,Cluin
Date: 05 Aug 05 - 09:25 PM

Is there oil on Krith?

Because we have some people here who might like to help you out with how you run things there... for your own good, mind.

We'd be glad to export them to you.

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: GUEST,The Council of Krith
Date: 06 Aug 05 - 12:08 AM

We have small amounts of that useless stuff, oil. No one cares much about that. It seems to weigh heavy on the minds of Earthlings, though, and we find that strange. Why are you burning it? That makes for bad air, doesn't it? Of course, you have no sappo, so that means you are already labouring under some considerable disadvantage.

The people you mention...perhaps we could use them for entertainment here. We have a game where we release such beings in a large natural arena with Thoths roaming around. Thoths are huge predators that catch and eat social undesirables. It's quite a spectacle. Almost no one here qualifies anymore AS a social undesirable, so it would be good if we got some outside visitors for that purpose. A hungry Thoth is a sad thing to see.

Do your oil people qualify as social undesirables?

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: Peace
Date: 06 Aug 05 - 12:11 AM

Do you have krithanthemums there?

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: Cluin
Date: 06 Aug 05 - 12:18 AM

Do you celebrate Krithmath?

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: GUEST,The Council of Krith
Date: 06 Aug 05 - 12:23 AM

We have no krithanthemums, but we do have krithmath. Examples:

1 + 1 = 2

3 x 7 = 21

It works pretty much the same as on Earth, as far as we know. One exception, however. We have different versions of zero. We have bigger and smaller zeros, to provide emotional emphasis to our calculations. Zero comes in many sizes on Krith.

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: Peace
Date: 06 Aug 05 - 12:28 AM

They come in many sizes on Earth, too. There is one who is president of a powerful country.

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: Cluin
Date: 06 Aug 05 - 12:32 AM

To provide promotional emphasis to his machinations.

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: Amos
Date: 06 Aug 05 - 01:23 AM

From Physics News Update, an e-zibne:

POSSIBLE NEW PLANETS in our solar system have been spotted
recently. Reservations about claiming new planets arises not from
anything to do with the observations, but with semantics; there is
no universally accepted definition for planet. Even Pluto is not a
planet according to some scientists. The two newest planet
candidates are the latest residents to be discerned in the Kuiper
Belt, the zone of debris material beyond the orbit of Neptune. Two
earlier specimens go by the name of Sedna
(www.aip.org/pnu/2004/split/677-1.html) and Quaoar
(www.aip.org/pnu/2002/split/608-3.html). One of the new objects,
discovered by astronomers at the Sierra Nevada Observatory in Spain,
is called EL61, with an orbital radius of about 51 AU (1 AU, or
astronomical unit, is equal to the Earth-sun distance) and a size
about 2/3 that of Pluto (which itself orbits at a distance of about
32 AU). The other object is called UB313 and was spotted by
astronomers at the Palomar observatory in California and the Gemini
telescope in Hawaii. It orbits at a distance of 97 AU and has an
estimated size larger than Pluto).

***********

A

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: John Hardly
Date: 06 Aug 05 - 09:39 AM

Our Zorro only comes in one size. But he rides a horse.

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: GUEST,Cluin
Date: 06 Aug 05 - 12:43 PM

The horse comes in one size too.

About a cup.

I saw a video once.

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: GUEST,The Council of Krith
Date: 07 Aug 05 - 10:16 PM

You have zorros on Earth? That is exciting! We would be willing to trade for zorros, as we find them very useful. Ours come in many sizes. It is most surprising that yours come in only one, but it really doesn't matter all that much.

- The Council

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: John O'L
Date: 07 Aug 05 - 11:47 PM

Zorros, Ciscos, Hoppalongs, Paladins, Yodellers, Oakleys, Cartwrights, Mavericks, even Rinties, you name it, Krithdudes, take y' pick.

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: GUEST,The Council of Krith
Date: 08 Aug 05 - 10:50 AM

Better and better. We are beginning to think that Earth is worth visiting, despite the face that you are under the rule of violent, delusive psychopaths with weapons of mass destruction. We would most certainly be interested in acquiring some zorros. Also some Hoppalongs, Paladins, Yodellers, and Mavericks. All of these are useful on Krith. How do you suppose we can make an appearance over Washington without provoking a violent military response from whoever is in charge? We would like to set down right beside the big white building with the dome...or not too far from the giant phallus or whatever it is. The one that points straight up. There is a good landing area there for our ships, which are about the size of one of your bigger ocean liners. Can we talk?

- The Council

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: MMario
Date: 08 Aug 05 - 11:01 AM

Though our Zorro comes in only one size it has been known to appear in many different colours.

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Aug 05 - 12:18 PM

No use "beating around the Bush", Krithians...

I say, go for the landings in Washington! But come well armed and prepared for anything.

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: John Hardly
Date: 08 Aug 05 - 12:26 PM

Don't land in Washington. The center of Earth's culture is in Nashville, Tennessee. Not coincidentally, Nashville is also very near the center of most trailer parks, and Krithians would be most welcome.

If Krithians can wear cowboy hats they'd fit right in. If you can't wear cowboy hats, a one-size-fits-all seed cap will do.

Do Krithians do snuff?

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: John Hardly
Date: 08 Aug 05 - 01:24 PM

"...which are about the size of one of your bigger ocean liners"

What? You mean you don't boat around the universe on a mahogany Krith-Kraft?

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Aug 05 - 02:25 PM

Millatary aggresion is no problem!
We can get David Blane to do majic show to counjor you up about 100 feet abov London Bridge. We assume that female nudity in your presence is not a problem? Can we have the T.V. rights?

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Aug 05 - 03:50 PM

Female nudity is almost never a problem...

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Aug 05 - 06:34 AM

Getting them nude sometimes is though

Subject: RE: BS: New Planet?
From: Cluin
Date: 09 Aug 05 - 12:24 PM

"Female nudity is almost never a problem... "

`Cept when their frying bacon.

That's true for the guys too.

The lessons life teaches...