BS: Amusing Memories

Subject: BS: Amusing Memories
From: Mickey191
Date: 31 May 07 - 08:55 PM

Thought some of you might like to share some of your personal memories which bring you smiles. My Dad was a quick wit and often made us laugh.

He was watching tv one night & my Mom stood in front of the set."Madam" says he, "You'd block the moon out of Brooklyn."

Another time I was to make him soft boiled eggs. I muffed it. When he cracked them open I hear: " They're as hard as a whore's heart!"

You get the idea........

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: Mickey191
Date: 31 May 07 - 09:29 PM

On the egg story,I should have added, I'd never heard him use the word whore in my life. My Mom & I almost did "spit takes!"

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: Neighmond
Date: 01 Jun 07 - 12:19 AM

My old dad and a neighbor were discussing another friend, who had just gotten a repeating rifle, and he came in through the door at that time, and started telling dad all about it, how it could shoot twelve rounds without reloading, to which dad replied:

"Don't shoot it in the house!"

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: RangerSteve
Date: 01 Jun 07 - 01:30 AM

Back when I was a rookie cop, during the first night I was allowed to patrol alone, I pulled over my first car. I walked up to the car, picturing myself looking very professional. THe woman in the car said in a very timid, Dolly Parton-like voice "What did I do, Officer?", and i said in my best serious voice "Ma'am, do you realize you just went through a sop stign"? I kind of lost my composure then, and just asked her to be more careful in the future and let her go.

I also once informed someone that I had pulled over for a traffic violation that he also had an inspired expection sticker on his car.

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: Mickey191
Date: 01 Jun 07 - 01:46 AM

Gentleman, after an inspired expection, I think we
are off to a great start.

While driving my Dad thru his small upstate N.Y. town, a man crossed in front of us. He was so bent over - his profile looked exactly like a seven (7) his chest & head were literally parallel with the ground. I said poor man he must be suffering so, Dad said "It was whiskey did that!" My husband's reply: "Well somebody must have hit him with the bottle!"

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: kendall
Date: 01 Jun 07 - 08:06 AM

A friend of mine said he heard a cabbie in Boston say to a very pregnant lady who stepped in front of his cab, "Hey Lady, you can get knocked DOWN too."

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: Becca72
Date: 01 Jun 07 - 08:35 AM

My friend's husband is very sweet, but not very bright. They were in a restaurant once and in the booth behind them was a young child about 1 or 2 years old who took a liking to Mike and was playing Peek-A-Boo with him over the back of the seat. The child's mother said, "I think he likes you" to which Mike replied, "Yeah, he must smell my dogs on me".

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: Sorcha
Date: 01 Jun 07 - 08:42 AM

I was about 14 (in the mid 60's). Mom and I were putting lights on the Christmas tree. One bulb wouldn't light; mom couldn't figure out why. I said, Well, screw it! One didn't say things like that to one's mum back then!

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: Bill D
Date: 01 Jun 07 - 08:43 AM

I was working part-time for my university's building & grounds crew. One day two of us student helpers were assigned to help a carpenter who was re-attaching some countertops in a room after some remodeling.
One of them was an 'L' shape, and fit in a corner. We had to hold both ends, and the guy had to lie down and guide it into place, then replace the screws as we tried to steady it.
It was heavy, and we didn't seem to get it quite right, so he braced his feet under it and tried to add the strength of his legs to the aim and the effort.
After several minutes of this, we said..."C'mon, Gene...this is getting heavy..what's wrong?"
"It ain't easy," came his voice from below, "did you ever try to lie on your back with your feet in the air and screw above your head?"

I bent over, peeked at him, and asked seriously, "Gene...would you like to rephrase that?"

He started laughing and damn near dropped the counter on his head.

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: Bill D
Date: 01 Jun 07 - 08:44 AM

(Honest...Sorcha & I did NOT plan those 2 posts)

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: Scoville
Date: 01 Jun 07 - 10:26 AM

My brother went through DARE as a kid (the anti-drug campaign thing). One hot day when we were out running errands, my mother stopped at a drive-in and got a cup of iced tea. My brother--who was sensitive and impressionable as a child--got hysterical and yelled at her that she shouldn't drink and drive!

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: JennyO
Date: 01 Jun 07 - 10:35 AM

Well there was the time when my ex-mother in law had bought a set of crockery at an auction which was promoted as being unbreakable. She came home all excited and invited us all to watch.

"Look - these plates are unbreakable!" she said triumphantly, holding one above the quarry tile floor. Then she let go.

It didn't just break - it exploded! It took her a long time to live that one down. She died a few years ago, but even now, 30 odd years later, someone only has to say "Remember the unbreakable plates.......?"

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: GUEST,saulgoldie
Date: 01 Jun 07 - 12:30 PM

Variation on a theme:

Some time back, we were in the kitchen talking about Corel dishware and how it was unbreakable. I was handling some, and I blithely tossed a plate onto the floor. It bounced, and remained intact. Everyone laughed. Some time later, several of us were in the kitchen discussing Corel, and my brother said, "Lemme show you what my crazy brother did." He threw down a Corel plate which, in fact, shattered worser'n glass. Everyone laughed.

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: SINSULL
Date: 01 Jun 07 - 04:42 PM

A postal temp hired during the Christmas season rang our bell and asked Mom if she knew the Bakers - he had a package for them. Without blinking an eye, she said "Oh yes! Schneeburgs on 95th street." (the local bakery owners) The man blinked, turned and left while my brother and I rolled on the floor laughing.

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: Sorcha
Date: 01 Jun 07 - 04:54 PM

Oh dear...these are priceless!

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: Mickey191
Date: 01 Jun 07 - 07:00 PM

Early 1950's
My Mom was told that the new tenants moving in next door were two Lesbians. The tenant was very upset. That old stuff about bad influence on the children, wild parties, etc.

My Mom questioned why would two Lebanese women be such a problem? The neighbor laughed at her as she explained what Lesbians were. Mother said, "I don't know about such things--I'm just a girl from Bantry!" Poor Mom.

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 02 Jun 07 - 12:21 AM

My was your typical decorous middle-aged mom when I was a teenager out buying rain gear for my first summer job with the Forest Service in the mid-1970s. We went to Sears to get some neoprene bib overalls and a rain slicker. I complained that they always made these for men, and without missing a beat, shoved my index finger out through the slot in the front. Mom nearly had a stroke she was laughing so hard. I'd never seen her loose it like that before.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: ranger1
Date: 02 Jun 07 - 09:36 AM

When my little sister was in third grade, her spelling list for the week included the word "alien". All the words in the list had to be used in a sentence and she and our step-dad (who is a German national) used to work on them at the dining room table after dinner. When she turned in the list on Friday, the teacher went up one side of her and down the other. The reason: the sentence "My step-father is an alien." When my sister was finally able to get a break in the tirade to defend herself, her response was "But he has a green card! And it says right on it Resident Alien!"

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: Mickey191
Date: 02 Jun 07 - 01:05 PM

Don't know if a stranger might smile at this, but I do. Regarding my Dad who was one strong, determined fellow.

He's working with his electric table saw doing some cutting & something goes amiss. He cuts the saw off & calls in to me: Mickey, bring a towel. I rush out to see the need for said towel. Lots of blood sprouting from a bad cut on his left hand. His next request:"Get me a needle & some white thread."

They don't make 'em like that anymore.

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: Adrianel
Date: 02 Jun 07 - 06:13 PM

Several years ago, I went in to our local pet store to get some cat food. Stading at the counter was a big bearded fellow with a gorgeous macaw on his shoulder. I couldn't help myself. and blurted out "You've too many legs to be wearing that parrot".
Well, I thought it was funny.

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: Mickey191
Date: 02 Jun 07 - 09:09 PM

it _IS_ funny!!

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: Sorcha
Date: 02 Jun 07 - 10:50 PM

Oh dear...just took me a second to get it....too many legs indeed!

My dad on a camping trip with his Boy Scouts--How do you want your eggs? I don't care. (cracks raw eggs onto his plate). MR GREEN! Well, you said you didn't care, now how do you want your eggs?

My mom, on a camping trip with her Girl Scouts. Mrs Green, where shall I dump the dishwater? Honey, there are 500 acres out there, anywhere will do. The girl dumped it on her feet.

Dad, with Scouts in the Quetico/Boundary Waters going over a rapid in a canoe...Paddle faster dammit, paddle faster! (became a 'family saying')

My mom had a glass top Corning stove, and the FLAT bottom cook pots that go with it. Dad accidentlly dropped the big one, a gallon I think. Landed on the outside corner...it was like a bomb had gone off in the kitchen. We all just stood there gobsmacked.........then laffed our asses off.

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: Mickey191
Date: 02 Jun 07 - 11:18 PM

Sorch, took me two minutes to get the parrot joke-but that doesn't diminish the humor.

Your Dad's cracked eggs will always bring a smile to the kid when he recalls it.

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: Sorcha
Date: 02 Jun 07 - 11:46 PM

Yea....but you know, it REALLY sucked growing up with as many as 14 'big brothers' at a time.....and they rotated out too! I was always getting new ones!

Mom once baked a chocolate cake for a church carry in. Left it on the counter. Scouts came in for a meeting/handbill delivery...saw food ate food. Mom blew her stack. Dad said, well, was there a NO sign on it?

We now routinely put NO signs on anything that is not for comsumption by anybody who wanders in. I learned the hard way from mom's experience. The rule in our house when I was growing up was, if you can find it you can eat it. Unless it has a NO sign. Same rule here now.

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: gnu
Date: 03 Jun 07 - 06:30 AM

Family BBQ. Yard is completely fenced in with a six foot chain link fence which hugs the ground tightly. Mum hears quacking and turns to see two ducks begging to be fed. She asks, "How did they get in the yard?"

When we regained our composure, Mum was still beet red with embarrassment!

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Jun 07 - 09:40 AM

Sorcha...my grandmother had a way of dealing with cake thieves.


once when my father was about 14, she had just baked a cake for her church, and was peeling apples for a pie, when Dad and a couple of his friends came in. One of the boys was a smartalec, and wanted some cake...she said "No...that's off limits"...but as they turned to leave, he reached and grabbed a chunk right out of the middle of the cake and headed for the door ..and grandma saw him!....Without thinking, she turned and THREW the apple corer she had been using (two little prongs on the tip), threw it clear across the room! and stuck it right in the wrist holding the cake! As she gasped at what she had done, the boy slowly walked over, put the cake back, plucked the corer from his wrist..(it wasn't too deep) and snuck out....and story of Mrs. Day and her wicked arm became legend in Emporia, Kansas.

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: Sorcha
Date: 03 Jun 07 - 11:07 AM

Oh, Bill! Priceless!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: Ythanside
Date: 03 Jun 07 - 11:45 AM

During pregnancy my dear wife suffered from some pretty weird dietary cravings, chocolate & pickle sandwiches and fish sticks with ice cream becoming standard if stomach-churning fare for a while. One day she declared that she just HAD to have 'some of those nuts that you get on those chocolate whirly things.' I stifled a laugh and asked what kind of nuts these might be.
'You know, those nuts that are on top of Walnut Whips.'
Cruel of me, I know, but I held out for three days while she grew increasingly irate, before suggesting the word 'walnut'. She still blushes at the memory.               

Same wife, same pregnancy; Approaching both confinement and the dimensions of a barrage balloon simultaneously, she could find no clothing loose enough to cover all three of her. Arriving home from work one evening I was greeted by her showing off 'her' new comfortable attire, MY sports trousers, and asking 'What do you think?' It was one of those too-few sublime moments, and I just smiled indulgently and replied, 'Well, darling, you've always wanted to wear them.'   

Same wife(amazingly), some years later, her birthday; Early morning, the kids have left for school, and she staggers into the kitchen and sits down at the table. 'Oh, God, I'm forty years old. Forty years old, I can't believe it?' She looks across at me and asks, pleadingly, 'Do I LOOK forty?'
Me, ever the gentleman: 'Naw,' then, after a short pause, 'You USED to!'   

PS Mr & Mrs Ythanside are still happily married I know, I know, I can't quite believe it myself.

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Jun 07 - 11:48 AM

A friend of mine was asked to bring some cigarettes back from the shop.

"What if they don't have your brand?" He asked.

"Oh, bring me anything."

They didn't have that brand so he ended up with a pound of Cheddar cheese...

:D

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: DMcG
Date: 03 Jun 07 - 12:11 PM

I was sent out to buy a large orange on one occasion, which I duly did.


How was I to know she meant a large container of orange juice?

Subject: RE: BS: Amusing Memories
From: GUEST,Scoville at Dad's
Date: 03 Jun 07 - 02:02 PM

Sorcha: Dad, with Scouts in the Quetico/Boundary Waters going over a rapid in a canoe...Paddle faster dammit, paddle faster! (became a 'family saying')

Flashback to a family canoe trip in the Quetico: Various aunts/uncles/cousins/Grandma in about five canoes paddling across Sarah Lake with a storm blowing in. The canoes were being blown sideways and whitecaps were coming on over the gunnels and you could hear my aunt (Sarah, named for the lake) shrieking about it all the way across the lake. It's still a running family joke when she's not around.

To be fair, there was a miserable storm that night--cold, howling winds, and heavy rain--and it was my brother's tenth birthday. We were all huddled under a shebang trying to keep dinner from blowing off the camp stove (fire was out of the question) when my brother looked at my father and said miserably, "This is the worst tenth birthday I ever had!" (It was bad, too. Our tents were blown flat by the wind and we discovered on the way back into Ely the next day that, had we not changed campsites, we might all have been killed. The campsite we had used the day before, which we had considered keeping for a second night because of the weather, had lost a lot of large trees, which had fallen over the clearings where our tents had been pitched.)