BS: Boyfriend or husband

Subject: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Scooby Doo
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 01:24 PM

How long did it take from boyfriend to husband.It took me 18 months before i married Miskin man.Now i got a new boyfriend who i am taking each day as it comes.
Maybe he will come round the festivals with me you never know!!!!!.



Scooby.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 01:38 PM

Well, just one observation here. Some relationships that work great while unmarried seem to deteriorate noticeably soon after the marriage papers are signed...although, I'd have to add that that is not always the case. It all depends on the individuals, and how their minds work.

I think some people are better off not to marry. It somehow keeps them more motivated or something.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: gnu
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 01:48 PM

Now ya tell me.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Becca72
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 01:58 PM

I'll let you know if I every get past the "boyfriend" stage. One was 6 1/2 years living together and the other was 3 years living together but no walk down the aisle for me yet. Of course, I was perfectly happy just living together. Well, for most of it, anyway. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 02:25 PM

I was the boyfriend for 25 years!...

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 02:28 PM

Eight years. And as LH observes, divorced after 12. We were better off unmarried to each other. Better friends now after the divorce.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 02:28 PM

(That means a total of 20, not 12)

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Amos
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 02:53 PM

In my case, about three weeks; that was 28 years ago and we are still laughing, and going strong.


A

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: MBSLynne
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 03:04 PM

I lived with one for 3 years, got married and we split up 8 months later.

Anyone we know Yas?

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 03:11 PM

I've been living with the same girlfriend for, well, we'll be starting year 35 this October.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 03:22 PM

Amos, you are one of those shining examples that proves marriage can work for some people. Good on you!   ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Becca72
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 03:26 PM

Then there's my sister. She started dating my brother-in-law when she was 15. Married him when she was 20. They celebrate their 25th anniversary next month.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: mrdux
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 03:55 PM

We've been boyfriend and girlfriend for twelve years last week. We've been married for almost five of those twelve years.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Becca72
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 03:57 PM

Sorry..25th wedding anniversary. Together a total of 30 years.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Mr Yellow
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 04:10 PM

seven year and no plans to be less than 5 miles apart. Aged relatives start to affect the decision.

Mind you getting her into yellow took 6 years - some things take time.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: catspaw49
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 05:13 PM

I met Karen on a Thursday night and proposed on Sunday night. Her friends all thought she was nuts (and of course she was) and pretty much got us to wait 6 months which allowed us to have a fun wedding with friends from all around the country able to come.......but we were both ready that Sunday night.

That's been over 20 years ago and the best ones of my life. Somebody said to us the other day that we were lucky to have married our best friends, not knowing how little we actually knew of each other at the start. But I think it is how James Dickey the author and poet once described it. His character said that when he met his wife he saw something inside of her...a tiny flame, small but brilliant in his eye. When he saw it, he married it...and so did I. I have no idea what that flame was or is but Karen has it and I see it today brighter than I did that Thursday night in Atlanta.

I wish the same for all of you.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 06:05 PM

On one Sunday, a while back, on July 13, I was enchanted to meet a personable and sightly young woman.

On that Labor Day, (I figure it as 48 days later), she said she'd marry me. She was a public school ("public", US style) music teacher.

"When shall we get married?"

"How about next summer?"

"Okay. Sounds good to me."

Still, as a few weeks went on, that seemed a long time away.

"That's so long! How about during spring school vacation?"

"Great!"

After a few more weeks or so, spring vacation seemed a long time away.

One night in late November, as we were talking, she asked if I REALLLLLY wanted to marry her.

"I'd marry you tomorrow!"

"How about Christmas?"

"You're on!"

So as soon as both of us were available for the Christmas break (me from the court, she from school), we were married, on December 21st. The longest night of the year. We were no fools!

Now some might think that was a thoughtless whirlwind courtship, and predict a brief married life. And maybe it will all go kerflooey pretty soon.

Maybe. We'll have to see. It's only been forty-three years.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 06:23 PM

Well, actually, after I'd been hanging out with her for about three or four years I said, in my romantic way, "You'll have to let me know when you want to get married." And she said, "Fine, how about this Fall?" and I said, "Okay, how about October 11?" and she was all for it except that her mother nixed it, saying that I was not going to marry her on her birthday and only buy one present -- so we decided on October 6. And she called my mother with the news and said, "We're going to get married in October" and my mother paused and then yelled to my sister, "Martha! Pat's pregnant!"

She wasn't and we did and we've been living together ever since.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 06:28 PM

I thought my marriage was great until we started sleeping in seperate beds...me in the marital one and her in someone elses!!!!!
Been much better off on my own as I can go to any folk club or festival I want, whenever I want and not have anything spoiling my plans.......one of the advantages of being single again.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Mrs.Duck
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 06:51 PM

Geoff and I met one year in Whitby Folk week, got engaged the next, married the next and took two week old twins to the next. This year will be our 11th Whitby as a couple and we've been married for nine of those years.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 06:51 PM

And there was me thinking this was a thread about which to choose!!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: katlaughing
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 07:20 PM

Here's me wondering if Scooby's still got Miskin Man AND the boyfriend???!**bg** (Not living on that side of the pond, I don't keep up.)

The third time was a charm for me. Met my Rog on April Fool's day when he asked me out the same day! We were both sure from the get-go but he is not to be rushed. (Well, he'd never been married!) The kids and I moved out to his mini-ranch that June, he told me he loved me that July and as soon as our mutual employer lifted their nepotism rules, we were married the following March.

He told me he wouldn't wear a ring because his work was too dangerous for losing fingers that way, but he showed me a beautiful tattoo of red roses on his right upper arm/shoulder and said he got them with the plan to put his true love's name there someday. A few years after we married, we went to a friend's wedding. Right after that, we went to the tattoist and he got my name in a beautiful script placed right under the largest blossom. I got a small vine with a tiny star and flower with his name in script on my upper right arm.

This last anniversary was our 27th.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Bernard
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 07:36 PM

My parents married in December 1945... they are now in their mid-eighties, and have celebrated 61 years of marriage (60 is Diamond, and they had a card from the Queen).

Now here's spooky for you... I produce 'Sounds of Folk' for Radio Britfolk and Oldham Community Radio (we started on BBC GMR), and the show's presenter is Mudcatter Alio... her parents married just a few days before mine, and both are still going strong!

Me? No, not so fortunate... my wife walked out over twenty years ago, and there's been no-one since... ho hum.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: GUEST,Son of a Teacher Man
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 03:43 AM

I've got neither, but it's not long to 30 years of married blips.

Where's tha bin lad?
I've bin courtin'.
Where didst go?
Down by t'beck.
What'd she give thee?
Nobbut kisses.
Was it worth it?
Was it 'eck.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Folkiedave
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 05:14 AM

Met at start of December, engaged Valentine's day - married August 5th - 35 years this year and never a cross word.......... well not since yesterday.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Scooby Doo
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 05:16 AM

MBS Lynne,
No he is a very quiet person,not know on the folk scene yet!!!!!.
Thanks for asking though Lynne.



Scooby.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 05:50 AM

First clapped eyes on her November 1972. Smitten.
Finally got courage to ask her out 27 Feb 1973. Over the moon.
Lived together since Jan 1974. Bliss.
Married 25 August 1979. More of the same, paperwork made no difference.
Doing the sums says "6 years, 5 months and 2 days" between the two.
The real answer is more like Richard's: She still my girlfriend 34 and a half years later, and being 3 months younger, I am still her toy-boy.
May she toy with me forever.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 06:05 AM

Oh all right....I met Manitas in November, 1986, outside the Elizabeth Garrett Anderson school, Islington. He didn't become a boyfriend until late 1989, and we were engaged 27 Jan 1990. Married 8 Sept 1990. It'll be 17 years this year. Don't get that for armed robbery these days.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Cats at Work
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 06:29 AM

Jon and I won't have been married for 20 years this Oct 31st. We never really have been boyfriend / girlfriend but have known each other since the mid 1970's.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: MBSLynne
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 06:43 AM

I met Ted at Sidmouth 1989, at which time I had been married for 8 months and already knew it had been a mistake. Never actually went back to the husband. The following Sidmouth I was pregnant and, of course, the one after that we took 7 month old Richard. Got married in January 1995 so we've been together for nearly 18 years and married for 12. Interestingly we never celebrate our wedding anniversary but only our meeting.

If you're asking whether one should get married or not, I personally don't see the point but it depends on the feelings of the individual

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Scooby Doo
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 06:57 AM

Well it was whether to be married or not.I don't think i will get married again,i think that piece of paper does make you commit to a long relationship rather than living together which my eldest brother has done since 1980.So that will be the way i would go next time.



Scooby

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: jacqui.c
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 07:19 AM

Kendall and I had to get married.

If I wanted to stay in the USA, that is. We met online in about September 2003, met in the flesh April 04 and married in October 04. Didn't have the chance to live together beforehand and did most of our courting online.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 08:43 AM

So, not a shotgun wedding then! It sounds like you "groomed" each other on the internet instead.

MBSLynne, snap! Nessie and I also celebrate our "stepping out" together, rather than our wedding anniversaries (we got married twice, CoE and Orthodox, thanks to the intransigence of the Greek Orthodox Church at the time).

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: jonm
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 08:53 AM

Met end of July, got engaged mid-August (and she had a fortnight's holiday in between!) and married end of July the following year, due to the organisation hassles of a large family (hers makes ant colonies look small, all my folks could have shared a taxi if they'd been talking to each other).

At the end of this month that will have been 13 years ago.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 09:00 AM

Most of you know my story...or parts of it anyway. We lived together for 3 years, got married after that. Things fell apart, I knew we'd made a mistake getting married. We technically are still married but separated after 18 months. During that time a friend and I became closer and closer. Paul and I have been together a year now and have a beautiful son. We made a commitment to each other earlier in the year but we have no plans to get married. We are still blissfully happy and in love and enjoying family life. Long may it continue.

Best wishes to you and your new boyfriend Scooby.

Khatt

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: MBSLynne
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 09:10 AM

We kind of got married three times. We had a very low-key handfasting at Sidmouth the year after we met, then went to Australia where my family lives to get married then we had a 'blessing' back in England so that Ted's family could share it.

I think getting married is fairly irrelevant to whether you stay together or not. Those who have said they've been married for ages would probably still have stayed together just the same if they hadn't been and vice versa.

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 09:37 AM

I think the key ingredient is how you feel about marriage in your subconscious...not necessarily in your surface consciousness. It goes back to your childhood experiences, and the impressions you received about marriage at that time.

The impressions I received were very conflicted. They gave me the impression that marriage would bring a lot of unhappiness and frustration and be an inescapable thing that tied me down and trapped me for the rest of my life.

When you believe that sort of thing deeply, it tends to happen. You replay the old tapes.

I had a pretty keen sense of that possibility occurring, so I have never married...although I thought about it a couple of times. In retrospect, if I had gone ahead on either of those occasions it would have been a disaster. I can say that with absolute clarity. So it's a good thing I followed my basic instincts and did not marry either one of those people.

Is there someone out there with whom I could have a lasting and harmonious marriage? Possibly...

They say that anything is possible. ;-)

I just finished watching a movie about Charlie Chaplin. He had a series of oddball marriages and relationships with women mostly far younger than himself. Amazingly enough, the last one turned out to be the right combination...and she was only 18 years old when she married him, but they remained together very happily until his death at 83, and she turned out to be a wonderfully supportive and responsible partner, despite the age difference.

From wickipedia: During Chaplin's legal trouble over the Berry affair, he met Oona O'Neill, daughter of Eugene O'Neill, and married her on June 16, 1943. He was 54; she had just turned 18. The elder O'Neill refused all contact with Oona after the marriage, up until his death. O'Neill and Chaplin each seemed to provide elements missing in the others' lives: she longed for the love of a father figure, and Chaplin craved her loyalty and support as his public popularity declined. The marriage was a long and happy one, with eight children. They had three sons: Christopher, Eugene and Michael Chaplin and five daughters: Geraldine, Josephine, Jane, Victoria and Annette-Emilie Chaplin.

So yeah, anything's possible.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Scoville
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 09:50 AM

The impressions I received were very conflicted. They gave me the impression that marriage would bring a lot of unhappiness and frustration and be an inescapable thing that tied me down and trapped me for the rest of my life.

I've always suspected that this is more of an impression of what they think of long-term commitment in general. If there's nothing legally binding, there's a psychological "out". If you get used to the idea that marriage is a jinx, I'm pretty sure it's more likely to go wrong even if those involved are not consciously thinking so.

My parents have been married 31 years and neither of them is going anywhere. My brother and SIL have been married only two years but, knowing him, especially, I suspect that opposing teams of the NFL could not pull them apart. I'm not married because none of the guys I've been with have been right, but the idea of marriage doesn't scare me.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 10:09 AM

"more of an impression of what they think of long-term commitment in general"

Perhaps...but every time I ever fell in love with anyone up to at least age 50, I was definitely expecting to be with them "forever". I am 100% monogamous by nature, and I was always looking for the "one true love of my life"...not playing the field.

It would have been a lot easier on me emotionally if I had been inclined toward short involvements with little committment, I assure you.

But, yeah, the idea of marriage definitely scares me. No question about it. I associate it with what I saw in my parents' and grandparents' marriages. The idea of monogamous committment and remaining faithful to one person does not scare me, not when I'm in love with the person. It comes naturally to me.

Concerning the legal ties: Do those not mostly have to do with society's control over a person? If 2 people make a committment to each other then it's under their control, as it should be. It's their private business. If they make it a legal marriage, however, then it comes under the control of the government, the legal system, the courts, the lawyers, possibly a church, and NONE of those people have any business whatsoever in MY emotional relationship with someone! Understand? Why must a couple by subjected to the outside control of a host of strangers in their own private lives?

That is the part of it that I cannot contemplate tolerating, frankly.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 10:18 AM

Agree with you, LH, about childhood experiences being important; and with Scoville's interpretation of your statement.

I committed myself to Nessie the day well before we/she decided to move in. Not the first day of going out, perhaps, but not long after either. I knew pretty soon that she was the one. But that's nothing compared to my folks, which I guess is where I got my impressions from:

My sister and I nicknamed our parents "the doves". She was his first and vice versa, at 20. They stayed together for 68 years, and all my life I remember them being loving and caring towards each other. I remember frequently Dad saying to her "Let me be first!", right up to a year before his death, meaning he wanted to die first because he knew he couldn't survive without her. She'd scold him for that, but my sister and I were very pleased that he got his wish. This eventually gave rise to a song, "Pieces":

"...and yet, without you I go to pieces.
To see you hurt, I think my heart will burst.
I'm hooked, and my dependency increases.
So when it's time to go, let me be first."

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: MBSLynne
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 01:15 PM

Well perhaps I blow that theory. My Mum and Dad have been married for 56 years and they had only known each other for five months before they got married. There were occasional sticky patches in their marriage, as with most, but on the whole they have been happy and provided a solid, united front as an example to us three kids. However I ran a mile as soon as commitment loomed to the extent that I didn't get married until I was 38 and have now been married twice. My sister has also been married twice and my brother is about to marry for the second time. We couldn't have had a much better view of marriage when we were children, but we none of us managed to do tyhe same.

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 01:40 PM

Yep, that puts a hole in it. Clearly there's more than parental example in whether one accepts or is afraid of commitment.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: gnu
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 02:55 PM

The state definitely has a vested interest in your marriage, LH. Number one, the welfare of the children. Number two, YOUR welfare and HER welfare. It's a 50/50 deal here in Canada. It's the only way a divorce can be settled resonably. And, it stops a lot of people from killing each other.... mentally as well as physically.

BTW, as far as "making a marriage legal", you have no choice. I don't know what the law is in your province, but every province has a time limit on it... it's called "common law marriage".

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 06:17 PM

Yes, I am aware that the state (and society in general) have a vested interest in people's marriages, gnu....but I don't like the fact that they do. ;-) Not one bit. I don't want anyone else having a vested interest or any form of intrusion in the most intimate matters of my life. I thoroughly resent their legal intrusions into such matters. I resent churches in the same fasion, if they mess around judging people's moral behavior when no harm has been done to either party.

Looking at Charlie Chaplin's life, which involved a series of relationships....he could have handled them a whole lot better if the legal apparatus of society (and the press) had minded their own business and left him and his wives and/or girlfriends alone. As it was, they virtually ruined the man's career and his life, largely because J. Edgar Hoover thought he was a "communist" and spent decades persecuting him until he was finally refused residence in the USA. This was a case of a decent, harmless, and very talented man being driven out of the country by a twisted, paranoid monster with a badge. Hardly a shining moment in American history!

The state IS needed to protect people against other people who are genuinely dangerous or harmful in some way. Charlie Chaplin wasn't the least bit dangerous toward any of his partners, and neither am I. Therefore, like Chaplin, I would prefer that the state mind its own damned business, and I object to its "vested interests" in people's relationships.

The state is theoretically supposed to serve the people. In truth, it is exactly the other way around. The people are made, by force or the implied threat of force, to serve the state. And thus it has ever been, sad to say.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: GUEST,petr
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 07:31 PM

friend for 4years,
girlfriend for 1year
wife for 4
mother of 2 girls for 2 1/2 & 8 months

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Alba
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 07:36 PM

There are some really wonderful stories on this thread. I have enjoyed reading them all. Ah Romance..

It just goes to show that if you and yours are meant to be, youlle get together, stay together and not because you have to...but because it was indeed meant to be..*smile*
Jude

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: katlaughing
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 07:40 PM

Why must a couple by subjected to the outside control of a host of strangers in their own private lives?

Why, indeed. Yet it is that outside control which keeps gay and lesbian partners apart at times of great need, i.e. hospitalisations, etc. and makes them seek laws which will protect their rights as a couple.


Infidelity can be a terrible thing to have happen to a marriage, too. Many years ago, my first husband lost me and his two beautiful children mostly because of his playing around. Of course, we both lost our house and good credit, too. I spoke with him for the first time in thirty years, recently. His life has been a mostly sad thing ever since. He never remarried and, as far as I know, has never had another partner nor owned his own home.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Little Hawk
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 08:25 PM

Infidelity is the absolute pits. I've experienced it, but I have not inflicted it upon anyone else...not in this lifetime, anyway. Matter of fact, I experienced it with both the females I was considering marrying (after having lived together for awhile), and that's one of the reasons I thank my lucky stars I did not decide to marry either one of them.

I had other girlfriends who were entirely faithful, I'm happy to say. If you're inclined that way yourself, you never expect the other person to cheat, and it's a real shock when they do.

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 08:29 PM

Ah Little Hawk, how true that last sentence is...

Trouble is, not everyone will accept gracefully that what is sauce for the goose, is also sauce for the gander. Some of the bitterest fights I've witnessed have been between partners where one cheated and got all bent out of shape when the other did the same.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Boyfriend or husband
From: JennieG
Date: 20 Jul 07 - 09:11 PM

Moved in together after knowing each other properly for a month.....although we had worked in the same office for 2 1/2 years before that.
Married almost 2 years later because:
a) we wanted to make the commitment to each other
b) I was 9 months pregnant (although he tells people he really married me for my cooking!)
c) family expectations in 1974 were different to now, we were the only people we knew who lived together without being married and there was pressure which, being hormonal and pregnant, I found difficult to withstand
d) the divorce from my practice marriage had just come through

That was in March 1974 and we are still together!

Cheers
JennieG