BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 07 Jan 09 - 07:26 PM

Continued in 1st joke thread of 2009

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Dec 08 - 08:46 AM

THIS TELLS IT ALL..   I'M GETTING A GLASS BUBBLE TO LIVE IN !!! And I swear it is all the "truth" because my great-aunt who is an investigator for the F.B.I. checked it out, and it was sent to me by my brother-in-law who is a lawyer and he would NEVER lie.

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Plastic Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't e-mail send this message to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.





.

__,_._,___

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 30 Dec 08 - 11:51 AM

What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
Both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

How do you keep the Dallas Cowboys out of your yard?
You put up a goalpost.

What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Superbowl ring?
Retired.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Dec 08 - 09:08 AM

"Post-Christmas: Santa's Pet Peeves"

Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake
on your breath and not booze.

When the last guy to use the beard leaves
bits of his lunch in it.

Even with the costume, people recognizing
you from "Crime Watch."

Parents who get all uptight when you offer
their kids a swig from your hip flask.

Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from
Drama School.

Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes
get all the babes.

Kids who don't understand that Santa's been
a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam.

Lap rash.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 29 Dec 08 - 07:12 AM

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit."


Mick Hucknall was arrested while trying to have sex with a rabbit. Apparently, he was "holding back the ears" but the "bunny was too tight to mention"


I've been trying to help childless couples by making anonymous donations of my sperm. However, I've
now been told I should really be doing this through a clinic and not straight through their letterboxes.

Viagra ... Now available in powder form to put in your tea. Does f*ck all for your erections, but it stops your
biscuits going soft!

One night I managed to make love for an hour and five minutes. It was when they put the clocks forward.

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I sent her my ironing, that'll keep the bitch busy.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Dec 08 - 08:42 AM

"New Vocabulary Words"

1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed
just after you've accidentally walked through a
spider web.

2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito
that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning
and cannot be cast out.

3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid
people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite
period.

5) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

6) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you
feel you've been abducted and experimented upon.
Also known as an E-T-ry.

7) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie
about yourself that leads to sex.

8) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts until you realize it was your money to
start with.

9) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives
who come to visit.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 23 Dec 08 - 07:12 AM

The fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle..

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by
her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' he said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the little girl said.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little Partner', the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar
instead of its' testicles, I think it could run faster.'

The little girl replies thoughtfully,

'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 22 Dec 08 - 10:02 PM

How the bail-out works

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."


A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998. Less the $100 I gave you."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 22 Dec 08 - 07:10 PM

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Dec 08 - 06:00 PM

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
            
            His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.


The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 21 Dec 08 - 10:46 AM

Apols if this has already been posted.

===

A blonde phones her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What's it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over, and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in, and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says very gently, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then...." he said with a deep sigh...


(scroll down)












".... we'll put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

===

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Dec 08 - 10:24 AM

"Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns"

Dear Walter,


I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set
off for work leaving my husband in the house watching
the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down
the road when the engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my
husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was
in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32,
my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22.
We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted
that they had been having an affair for the past six
months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let
go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him
very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he
has become increasingly distant. He won't go to
counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him
anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

----

Dear Sheila:


A car stalling after being driven a short distance can
be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel
line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses
on the intake manifold and also check all grounding
wires.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it
could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing
low delivery pressure to the injectors. Mainly have
your air filters cleaned or replaced.


I hope this helps with your problem.

Walter

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: freda underhill
Date: 18 Dec 08 - 10:22 AM

"I've got to give President Bush credit for this, because he's taking it all pretty well. He says that he's actually happy about the shoe-throwing episode, because he says it proves finally that Iraq does, in fact, possess foot wear of mass destruction." --David Letterman

"As you know, yesterday in Iraq, President Bush was attacked by a 'shoe-icide' bomber. President Bush was speaking at a news conference in Iraq when a journalist threw two shoes at him [on screen: the video of Bush having shoes thrown at him]. You see what President Bush did? You see what he did to keep from being hit? Something he's never done before. Lean to the left. He's never done that." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's my favorite part. Cable news just over-thinks this. On CNN, they brought in an expert on Iraqi culture. And he said, 'Let me clarify what happened here.' He said, 'In the Arab world, throwing your shoes at someone's head is considered an insult.' Oh, really? As opposed to here in America, where it's a huge compliment." --Jay Leno

"Bush is in Baghdad, he's having a press conference, and a guy, a reporter from Iraq jumps up and starts heaving shoes at the guy. And in Iraqi, or Arabic, he starts screaming, 'Here's your farewell kiss, you dog!' That's what the guy says. I mean, it was the same goodbye I got from NBC." --David Letterman

I don't think Bush really has dodged anything like that, well, since the Vietnam War." --David Letterman

"The man who threw his shoes at President Bush is being hailed as a hero in Iraq. In fact, when he dies, he'll be greeted in heaven by 72 podiatrists." --Conan O'Brien

"The shoe-throwing incident has made Sarah Palin want to be president even more. Free shoes! You betcha!" --Craig Ferguson

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 18 Dec 08 - 03:47 AM

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you - unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first.'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Gee thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?'

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!'

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 17 Dec 08 - 07:48 AM

Not a joke exactly but funny nevertheless (received by email from colleague)

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).


We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked: 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing it would be a good one.
And in classic style he didn't bat an eyelid in his response: 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Dec 08 - 05:19 PM

"Seeing Faces"

A man charges into a bank wearing a bandanna
and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the
floor!" and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a
brave customer yanks off his bandanna . The robber
immediately shoots the customer in the head and
shouts..

"Did anybody else here see my face?"

The robber notices another customer peering
from behind a counter and goes over and shoots
him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again,
waving his gun around. There is silence for a few
seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant
corner..

"I think my mother-in-law caught a glimpse...."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Dec 08 - 12:46 PM

The Beauty of a Woman

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

A woman multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

Why is this important for every man to know?

Because if you give her any crap, you need be ready to receive a ton of shit in return.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 12 Dec 08 - 11:06 AM

Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."
The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog."
"Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?"
"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal."
"Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.

And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Dec 08 - 08:41 AM

"Ghostly Drive"

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking,
jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple
of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger
window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed,
"Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face
there!"

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in
the window. The passenger rolled his window down
part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do
you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and
yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the
window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started
laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what
happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says
we're doing 80 now."

All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the
window and the old man reappeared.

"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled
down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.

The passenger threw a lighter out the window
saying, "Step on it!"

They were flooring the gas at about 100 miles an
hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and
heard, when all of a sudden there came some more
tapping.

"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled
down the window and screamed in stark terror,
"WHAT NOW?"

The old man gently replied, "You want some help
getting out of the mud?"

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Dec 08 - 08:41 AM

"Christmas Cards"

I wondered if I could get my husband to address
Christmas cards, as I had so much to do. I arranged
everything we needed, then hopefully pulled up a
chair and said, "Come on, Dear, let's get these out
of the way."

He glanced at the array on the table, turned away
and went into the den, only to return moments later
with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and
addressed.

"They're last year's," he said. "I forgot to mail them.
Now let's go out to dinner and relax. You've been
working too hard."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 09 Dec 08 - 12:23 PM

There are two Santa's standing on the corner. Which one is the Aggie {graduate of Texas A&M?}

The one holding the Easter basket saying "Trick or Treat"!

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Dec 08 - 05:46 PM

"Wise Choice"

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells
the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and
exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite
wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean
selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke
and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded
by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues
whispers, "Say something wise."

The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken
the money."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Dec 08 - 06:35 AM

Just in case you've had a rough day or you ARE having a rough day.

Here is a quick 7-Step stress management technique recommended in the
latest psychological texts.

The funny thing is - this really works.

Try this:

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water.

See - You are smiling already.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Dec 08 - 01:53 AM

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,


' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'


My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'


We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,


''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
In capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Dec 08 - 08:58 PM

DaveO: Cf.:

Two cool cats are sitting on a pier dangling their feet in the water.
"Hey, man, an alligator just bit off my leg."
"No shit! Which one?"
"Beats me. You see one alligator, you seen 'em all."

*

Axiom 1. Before you do anything, you have to do something else.
Axiom 2. Everything takes at least 5 minutes.
Theorem 0. You can never get anything done.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Proogle
Date: 04 Dec 08 - 04:06 PM

In light of the current climate in the most part of Britain i thought this appropriate...




2 Snowmen in a field. One says to the other,
"Can you smell carrots?"

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Dec 08 - 09:15 AM

"Blonde Patient"

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and
screaming in pain. "Please doctor you've got to help
me. I've been stung by a bee."

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream
on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away
by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor,
"I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my
house."

"No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated,
"I mean on which part of your body did that bee
sting you."

"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee
stung me on my finger and it really hurts."

"Which one?" the doctor.

"How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same
to me!"

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Dec 08 - 01:55 PM

"Better To Let The Guilty Walk"

Frederick II, the eighteenth-century king of Prussia,
fancied himself an enlightened monarch, and in some
respects he was. On one occasion he is supposed to
have interested himself in conditions in the Berlin
prison and was escorted through it so that he might
speak to the prisoners. One after the other, the
prisoners fell to their knees before him, bewailing
their lot and, predictably, protesting their utter
innocence of all charges that had been brought
against them.

Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally
Frederick's curiosity was aroused.

"You," he called. "You there."

The prisoner looked up. "Yes, Your Majesty?"

"Why are you here?"

"Armed robbery, Your Majesty."

"And are you guilty?"

"Entirely guilty, Your Majesty. I richly deserve my
punishment."

At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the
ground and said, "Warden, release this guilty
wretch at once. I will not have him here in jail
where by example he will corrupt all the splendid
innocent people who occupy it."


Source: Isaac Asimov

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 03 Dec 08 - 07:24 AM

When I woke up this morning and looked out of my bedroom window guess what I saw? A gorilla in my apple tree! Well, I called the zoo and asked them if it was their's; yep, they'd lost a gorilla. So I gave 'em my address and they said they'd send someone round in a little while.
Half an hour later this chap knocks on the door, tells me he's from the zoo. We go into the back garden and I show him my tree (with his gorilla in it!) Zoo-man then goes back to his van and comes back with some stuff: a net, a jack russell and a shotgun. He then tells me the plan...
"I will climb the tree, crawl out along the branch where the gorilla is, and then shake the branch. When the gorilla falls to the ground, the jack russell is specially trained to run across and bite the gorilla in the balls. This will temporarily paralyse the gorilla, giving us enough time to sling the net over him and get him into the van, OK?"
"Er, yes - that all sounds pretty straight forward" I replied
The man from the zoo then started to climb the tree
"I've just got one question" I shouted
"What's that?" said the man from the zoo
"What's the shotgun for?" I asked
"Well," he says "if I fall out of this tree, shoot that bloody dog!"

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 03 Dec 08 - 06:55 AM

Mickey Mouse is in the divorce court -
the judge says "having big teeth is no reason for you to divorce Minnie"

Mickey says "I didn't say she had big teeth. I said she was fucking Goofy!!"

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 03 Dec 08 - 06:51 AM

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 03 Dec 08 - 06:45 AM

A military advisor rushed into George Bush's office & said "Sir, three Brazillian soldiers have been killed in Iraq."

George Bush says "My God, that's terrible"..........he then turns to the aide stood next to him and asks "how many's a Brazillion?"

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Dec 08 - 06:22 AM

Guy visits the doctor and tells him he has a difficult sexual problem so the doc tells him to relate the prob...." Well doc, I wake in the morning and make love to my wife before getting out of bed, getting breakfast and sometimes having a 'quickie' with the wife before leaving for work. Then I get a taxi to the station.. always with the same female taxi driver, and we stop for a sex session on the way. When I get to the station it is always quiet and the ticket lady invites me round for a what is always a good sexual encounter before my train comes. On the train there is this girl who always keeps a compartment for us and we drop the blinds and make love on the way to work. When I get to work, my secretary is ready and waiting to have sex over the desk and I then do my mornings work. I have sex with my secretary before going for lunch at a local cafe... where the proprietress invites me upstairs for sex. I go back to work and have sex with my secretary again before doing afternoon work and have sex with her again before going home. On the way home, same girl, own compartment, same ticket lady, same taxi driver and have sex with them all. When I get home I find my wife waiting in her best sexy lingerie and we go upstairs and have a long love making session before she presents my tea.... after tea we sometimes make love again and I relax and watch TV for a while with a can of beer. At bedtime we always have a love making session before going to sleep.... and doctor this happens every day"!!!!!!!!!!!
"Well said the doctor, I can understand perhaps that you are very tired and under some emotional strain"
"NO!!!! you don't understand" said the guy.... "The problem is that I get very sore when I play with myself"!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 03 Dec 08 - 06:11 AM

Three surgeons, a Russian, an American and a Briton were discussing transplants (as you do).

The Russian : "I transplanted a heart into a man, and six months later he was looking for work".

The American :"I transplanted a heart and a kidney into a man, and three months later he was looking for work".

The Briton : "In the UK we transplanted a pillock from Kircaldy to Downing Street - and now we're all looking for work".

I'll get me Barbour . . .

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ed T
Date: 02 Dec 08 - 09:32 PM

Guy in his 50s visits a Dr. for a mid-life check up.
Dr. says, you must stop playing with yourself.
Why, asked the patient.
Because, I am examining you, said the Dr.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bert
Date: 02 Dec 08 - 08:35 PM

...duck under the dashboard... She only divorced him. It's a wonder she didn't beat the holy crap out of him.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Dec 08 - 06:10 PM

"Reasons For Divorce"

A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce
because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator
that read: "I have gone to the bridge club. There'll
be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2."

A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because
she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his
hamburger without asking for permission."

A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for
divorce because his wife "was always nagging him
in sign language."

A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her
husband because he forced her to "duck under the
dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's
house."

A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband
on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and
was much too affectionate."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 02 Dec 08 - 10:40 AM

An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked. "Well,"she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked

"Is that one word or two?"

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 01 Dec 08 - 11:06 PM

Ron,
I don't know where the joke originated, I got it from a joke thread on another forum.

This one too:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe Offer
Date: 01 Dec 08 - 09:19 PM

I heard this one at Bible study this morning.

A kid was having a terrible time with math, and his parents didn't know what to do with him. No matter how much they coached him, he flunked every test. Finally, they decided to send the boy to a Catholic school that had an excellent reputation for success in math.

Sure enough, within a week, the boy had perfect grades in math, and he continued to do well for months. Finally, his parents asked him what had made the difference.

"Well," the boy said, "They took us into a big building, and when I saw what they did to that guy hanging on the big plus sign on the wall, I knew they were serious."

OK, so there's your Catholic joke for the week.
-Joe-

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ron Davies
Date: 30 Nov 08 - 08:25 PM

Excellent contributions by John O' L and Bainbo. Jan loved John's post about threat levels as much as I did. And intends to pass it on to people on both sides of the Pond. Is that your original, John?--we'd like to credit the source.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 28 Nov 08 - 06:40 PM

A knight vassal returned to his liege's castle with prisoners, bags of gold and other riches from all of his victories.

"Tell me of your battles," said the ruling liege.

"Well, sire, I have been robbing and stealing on your behalf for weeks, burning the villages of all your enemies in the north."

The liege was horrified. "But I have no enemies in the north," he said.

"Well," said the knight, "you do now.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Nov 08 - 08:38 AM

"Rough By Southwest"

The following was an announcement made over
the P.A. system of a Southwest Airlines flight (or
so they say)...

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome
aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate
your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt
and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

"If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two small children, decide now which
one you love more."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 28 Nov 08 - 04:58 AM

Skinny Dipping...

An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Nov 08 - 04:44 PM

"Basic Guide For Scientists"

I.   Science Classification

1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's part of Biology.

2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.

3. If it doesn't work, it belongs to Physics.


II. Rules for Laboratory Workers

1. When you don't know what you're doing, do it
neatly.

2. First draw your curves, then plot the data.

3. Experience is directly proportional to the equipment
ruined.

4. Experiments must be reproducible. They should all
fail the same way.

5. A record of data is essential. It indicates you have
been working.

6. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

7. Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

8. Teamwork is essential in the lab. It allows you to
blame someone else.

9. Always leave room to add an explanation when it
doesn't work.

III. Finagle's Laws, Creed, and Motto

1. First Law- If anything can go wrong with an
experiment, it will.

2. Second Law- No matter what result is anticipated,
there is always someone willing to fake it.

3. Third Law- No matter what occurs, there is always
someone who believes it happened according to his
pet theory.

4. Fourth Law- No matter what the result, there is
always someone eager to misinterpret it.

5. Creed- Science is truth. Don't be misled by facts.

6. Motto- Smile; tomorrow it will be worse.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Nov 08 - 08:34 AM

"Thanksgiving Pie"


The new bride had spent two hours preparing
pumpkin pie for their first Thanksgiving dinner
together.

During desert, she watched her husband
slowly savor each forkful.

"How was it, Honey?" she asked when
he'd finished.

"Well," he began thoughtfully, wiping his
lips, "you probably could have beaten the
eggshells a little longer. But on the whole,
it was a good start."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Nov 08 - 05:30 PM

"Blondes and the Telephone Pole"

A phone company put an ad in the paper in order to
recruit workers. The next day, two groups of workers
show up - a crew of five men and a crew of five blonde
women.

The company can not decide who to give the job to, so
they give the two groups a test. The company boss says,
"Each crew will receive a telephone pole that must be
installed into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it
in first will get the job."

Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they
go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles
sticking out the back. A few hours pass, and finally,
at 5:00, the male crew returns. "Yes!" they shout. "We
came back first, so we get the job!!"

"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait
until the other crew comes back to make sure that the
reason they're delayed is not because of traffic or the
truck breaking down."

"Fine, no problem," say the men. An hour passes, two
hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 8:30, the Blonde
crew arrives. All the group is flushed and breathing
hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.

"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the
boss incredulously.

"What do you mean, 'what took so long'?? Do we get the
job?"

"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS
ago!"

"Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They
only put the pole in halfway!!"

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Nov 08 - 02:53 PM

"Golf and a Heart Attack"

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green
when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear,
I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying, "I'll go get some help." A
little while later he returned, picked up his club and
began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said,
"I may be dying, and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole
who said he come and help."

"The second hole?? When in the hell is he coming???"

"Hey! I told you not to worry." he said, practice
stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let
him play through."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 10:48 AM

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . .. . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 09:54 AM

A POOR IDIOT.

A natural fool, who lived in Kirkcaldy, well known over a great part of Fifeshire, as "Daft Willie Law," was a pretty regular attendant on tent preachings, at a time when these discourses were in fashion. One very warm day in summer, Willie was attending the preachings at Abbots-Hall, he being nigh-sighted, and having a short neck, stood very near the tent, gaping in the minister's face, who, greatly irritated at a number of the hearers being fast asleep from the heat of the weather, beating on the board of the tent, bawled out, "For shame, Christians, to lie sleeping there, while the glad tidings of the gospel are sounding in your ears, and here is Willie Law, a poor idiot, hearing me with great attention." — "Eh go! Sir, that's true," says Willie, "For if I hadna been a puir idiot, I wad been sleepin' too!"

—from "The Scotch Haggis; Consisting of Anecdotes, Jests, Curious and Rare Articles of Literature, with a Collection of Epitaphs and Inscriptions, Original and Selected." Anonymous, Edinburgh: D. Webster and Son, 1822.