BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 03:51 AM

Threat Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Sing Marching Songs."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia has increased the level from "What the fuck?" to "Who the fuck?". The next level for Australia will be "Well, fuck me" and then it goes all the way up to "Righto, enough is e-fuckin'-nough".

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Nov 08 - 05:13 PM

"Pepperoni Pizza"

An American businessman goes to Japan on a
business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so
he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any
place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a
pizza place that just opened, and they deliver.
The concierge gives the businessman the phone
number, and he goes back to his room and
orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up
to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts
sneezing uncontrollably.

He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did
you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We
put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Nov 08 - 08:37 AM

"Lawyers on the Bus"


A bus-load of Lawyers is traveling down a deserted
road. Suddenly it swerves into a field and hits a tree,
and catches fire.

The owner of the field, a farmer, runs up, surveys the
scene, and buries all the lawyers.

A week later, two policemen are traveling down that
same road and notice the wreckage. They run up to
the house and ask what happened.

"A bus-load of lawyers crashed into the tree and the
bus caught fire." replied the farmer.

"But what happened to all the lawyers?" asked the
policeman.

"I buried them," the farmer said.

"They were all dead?" cried the officer.

"Some of them said they weren't," replied the farmer,
"but you know that lawyers are very good at lying."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Nov 08 - 09:07 AM

"Truck Stop"

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed
his order. He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair
of headlights and a pair of running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to
appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to
the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three
flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running
boards. What does he think this place is, an auto
parts store?'

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three
pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny
side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp
bacon.

'Oh, OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it
for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of
beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for,
Blondie?'

She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for
the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you
might as well gas up!'

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Celtaddict
Date: 17 Nov 08 - 11:51 PM

I heard a clip from I believe Jay Leno's show, interviewing John McCain; he asked how McCain was doing since the election. McCain responded, "I sleep like a baby every night.



Sleep two hours, wake up and cry, sleep two hours, wake up and cry..."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 17 Nov 08 - 02:56 PM

If you want to find out who loves you most, your wife or your dog, lock them both in the car for an hour and see how you are greeted when you let them out.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Nov 08 - 09:27 AM

Oneliners Redux

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.
Landing is first.

I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

There is no time like the present for postponing
what you ought to be doing.

Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

I get six miles per gallon with my new car . . .
my son gets the other twenty.

If money won't make you happy, you won't
like poverty either.

Cease and desist! Don't make me use uppercase.

Many people's tombstones should read died
at 30, buried at 60.

The generation that criticizes the younger
generation is always the one that raised it.

I had a nostalgic English teacher who found
the past perfect and the present tense.

Happiness has one great advantage over Money.
People don't try to borrow it.

At my age, getting a second doctor's opinion
is kinda like switching slot machines.

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword
obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

The missing link between man and monkey can be
found in today's politicians.

What will happen to work when the trend toward
longer education meets the trend toward earlier
retirement?

I just saw the animals in my neighborhood lining
up two by two. Should I be worried?

There's probably nothing wrong with the younger
generation that the older generation didn't outgrow.

My doctor says I've got something going for me.
However, he can't stop any of it from going.

What the caterpillar calls the end, the butterfly calls
the beginning.

Health is wealth. . . . and it's tax-free!

Few things upset my wife. It makes me feel rather
special to be one of them.

She thinks that tactics are a new kind of breath mint.

I just got my bill for my stay in the hospital. Now I
know why surgeons wear masks!

If it wasn't for plumbers, you'd have no place to go.

Most would rather be ruined by praise than saved by
criticism.

Katrina victims are learning the Law of Diminishing
Compassion.

Force without justice is tyrannical.

Kamasutra Kamikaze: Willing to try every position in
one night or die trying.

When they say "instant credit," they actually mean
"instant debt".

I'd give up golf if I didn't have so many sweaters.

Boredom is a sign of unused potential.

Kraft Foods laid off six thousand workers and
profits are up. Now they have six thousand more
people living on macaroni and cheese.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the
fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

When someone asks you a question you don't
want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you
want to know?"

Dogs and cats, like humans, are either right or
left handed... or is that "pawed"?!

A father is a man who carries pictures in his billfold
where money used to be.

I either want less corruption, or a chance to participate.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Dead Horse
Date: 15 Nov 08 - 11:43 AM

Change !!!!!
(EFDSS)

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 14 Nov 08 - 11:39 PM

Reminds me of the shrink one - One, but the light bulb has to *want* to change.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bainbo
Date: 14 Nov 08 - 06:23 PM

Q. How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?








A. We don't want to change the light bulb. We want to smash the light bulb.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Nov 08 - 09:08 PM

A gritty pearl is just like a titty prune.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 12 Nov 08 - 10:34 AM

What's the difference between a street trader and a dachshund ?

A street trader bawls out his wares on the pavement (US : sidewalk), and a dachshund doesn't.

What's the difference between a seagull and a diarrhetic pup ?

A seagull flits all over the shore, and the other one doesn't.

The difference between True Love and Dubya ?

True Love is a Cupid's stunt, and Dubya isn't.

I'll get me Barbour . . .

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 12 Nov 08 - 02:47 AM

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You are on the other side.'

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: peterfirth
Date: 11 Nov 08 - 08:38 PM

A vicar books into a hotel and says to the receptionist, "I hope the porn
channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she says, "it's just regular porn................... you sick bastard."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Nov 08 - 06:57 PM

Did you know that eagles mate for life?

Well one day Bob the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her.   

She had been shot. Dead!

Bob was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is   

'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this got on Bob's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is,

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....



(scroll down)   







No, the duck didn't say THAT Blocked image

... Don't be SO disgusting. !


The duck said,            
'I am a DRAKE ,
You made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Nov 08 - 03:44 PM

The Virtues of Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the
doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their
little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about
his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared,
'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there
was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the
table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are
for your father.'

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Nov 08 - 03:42 PM

A Damn Good Sermon at Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand.. He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned
fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put
five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Nov 08 - 03:40 PM

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
woman told her about her fears and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that!

'I'm dating Susan!'

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Nov 08 - 07:44 PM

"New Ears"

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic
surgeon could offer him a solution.

He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and
went to him. The new surgeon examined him,
thought a while, and said, "Yes, I can put you
right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out,
he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a
rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells,

"You swine, you gave me a woman's ears!"

"Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference
whether it is a man's or a woman's."

"You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't
understand a thing!"

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 08 Nov 08 - 09:40 PM

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to try to make it a bit more relevent.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
"Oh, I dunno," she replied, "probably fishing & drinking beer with his mates."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Nov 08 - 04:12 PM

"Mathematics vs Morals"

A mathematician is interviewing for a prestigious
job. To make sure he has the right morals, the
interviewer gives him the following situation:

"You're late for a meeting, when you come across
a burning house, a fire hydrant, and a fire hose
lying across the street. What do you do?"

The mathematician responds:

"People's lives are more important than the meeting.
I screw the fire hose into the hydrant and put out
the fire before coming to the office."

The interviewer is impressed, but asks him a follow up
question just to make sure:

"You're late for a meeting when you pass a fire hose
connected to a hydrant, next to a perfectly safe
house. What do you do?"

The mathematician thinks for a moment, then replies:

"I unscrew the fire hose, carry it across the street,
and set the house on fire. Then I've reduced it to a
problem I've already solved."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Nov 08 - 09:37 PM

An old Jew on his deathbed asked for a priest. The family was scandalized. "What do you want a priest for?" "I want to be converted. Better that one of them should die than one of us."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Nov 08 - 07:59 PM

"Home Games"

At long last the good-humored boss was
compelled to call Fisk into his office.

"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed
out, "that every time there's a home game at the
stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor."

"You know, you're right, sir," exclaimed Fisk.
"I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's
faking it, do you?"

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Nov 08 - 07:58 PM

"Ending Troubles"

"Son, I just know you'll do the right thing by this little
girl," said the preacher. "You just marry her, and you'll
be at the end of your troubles."

So he did the right thing, and he married the girl, and
about six months later when he saw the preacher again
he tried to murder him.

"You miserable liar!" shouted the young man. "You told me
if I married her, I would be at the end of my troubles.
Well, I married her, and she has made my life miserable."

"That may be true, son, but you can't blame me," replied
the minister. "I said you'd be at the end of your troubles,
but I never said which end."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Riginslinger
Date: 05 Nov 08 - 05:20 PM

gawd!

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 05:22 PM

Two women chatting over coffee. One says "What's your husband getting you for your birthday?".

"Roses" replied the other, "Its always roses" - with a grimace.

The first lady asks what's wrong with that and she gets the reply that when the husband has given roses he has certain expectations and she didn't like spending three days on her back with her legs in the air.

"Haven't you got a vase?" asked her friend.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 05:14 PM

"Cooking Turkey"

A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She
sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it
was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought
a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the
price."

"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed,
"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll,
it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane
ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the
directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE
FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: quokka
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 08:14 AM

oh that's just mean.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Fifer
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 11:25 AM

what is the capital of Iceland?
about £12.50!

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 08:41 AM

What's the difference between a cross-eyed marksman and a constipated owl ?

A cross-eyed marksman shoots but can't hit, and a constipated owl doesn't.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 09:44 AM

"Seeing Faces"

A man charges into a bank wearing a bandana
and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "this is a raid - everyone get on the
floor!!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a
brave customer yanks off his bandana . The robber
immediately shoots the customer in the head and
shouts..

"Did anybody else here see my face?"

The robber notices another customer peering
from behind a counter and goes over and shoots
him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again,
waving his gun around. There is silence for a few
seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant
corner..

"I think my mother-in-law caught a glimpse...."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 Oct 08 - 09:44 PM

Polly Nomial and Curly Pi

Once upon a time pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix.

Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Poll however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored these conditions on the ground that they were unnecessary, and made her way amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns enveloped her on both sides. Tangents approached her surface; she became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point she tripped over a square root which was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once more she found herself alone, apparently in a non-Euclidian space.

She was being watched however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear co-ordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent, he wondered. He decided to integrate at once.

Hearing a vulgar fraction behind her, Polly turned round and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.

"Eureka" she gasped.

"Ho Ho" he said, "what a symmetric little polynomial you are. I can see you're absolutely bubbling over with secs."

"Oh Sir", she protested, "keep away from me, I haven't got my brackets on."

"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator, "your fears are purely imaginary."

"i,i," she thought. "Perhaps he's homogeneous then."

"What order are you," the brute demanded.

"Seventeen", replied Polly.

Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on yet", he said.

"Of course no," Polly exclaimed indignantly. "I'm absolutely convergent".

"Come, come," said Curly, "lets off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit".

"Never" gasped Polly.

"EXCHLF" he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He started at her significant places and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly, all was up. She felt his digit tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence was gone for ever.

There was no mercy, for Curly was a Heavyside operator. He integrated by partial fractions. The complex beast even went all the way round and did a contour integration. What an indignity. To be multiply connected at her first integration. Curly went on operating until he was absolutely and completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that evening her mother noticed that she was truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly increased monotonically. Finally, she generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place until she was driven to distraction.

The moral of the story is this: If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom.

http://www.isg.rhul.ac.uk/~sdg/story1.html

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,The Walrus (on a library machine)
Date: 31 Oct 08 - 12:20 PM

What's the difference between a pigeon and an investment banker?





The pigeon can still afford to leave a sizeable deposit on a Ferrari

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: quokka
Date: 31 Oct 08 - 10:01 AM

I've been trying to remember the joke about the guy that had a car crash and had a glass eye...does anyone remember this...I think it was a Jimmy Jones joke

Thanks

Quokka

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Oct 08 - 09:31 AM

"Halloween Costume at Office"

Everyone at the company where I work
dressed up for Halloween.
One fellow's costume stumped us.

He simply wore slacks and a white T-shirt with
a large 98.6 across the front in glitter.

He was a temp.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Cluin
Date: 29 Oct 08 - 09:57 PM

It is the spring.

Baby Bear comes out of his cave. His knees are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes.

Mama Bear says, "Baby! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?"

He says, "Hibernate? Shit! I thought you said masturbate!"

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Cluin
Date: 29 Oct 08 - 09:54 PM

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 29 Oct 08 - 03:39 PM

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the United Nations.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion
about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure, because:

in Africa, they didn't know what 'food' meant;
in Eastern Europe, they didn't know what 'honest' meant;
in Western Europe, they didn't know what 'shortage' meant;
in China, they didn't know what 'opinion' meant;
in the Middle East, they didn't know what 'solution' meant;
in South America, they didn't know what 'please' meant;
and in the United States, they didn't know what 'the rest of the world'
meant.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,machree01
Date: 29 Oct 08 - 08:06 AM

As a plane was flying over the Atlantic Ocean, all of a sudden the engines stop't, the captain said to the passengers "ladies and gentlemen i'am a fraid we or going to have to crash land" one women got out of her chair and started to rip her blouse open and said "i want to be a real women before i die" a man across from her stood-up took his shirt off and said to her "here iron this".

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 27 Oct 08 - 11:07 PM

I meant:

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Foolestroupe - PM
Date: 11 Oct 08 - 02:01 AM

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife...

I know I've seen the tired dog one here too, but it's not from the 5th or 4th thread, so I guess the statute of limitations has run out on that one!


... still good 'uns though!

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Oct 08 - 10:35 PM

*wry smile*... well, good humor usually does hit a nerve somewhere. My favorite jokes are ones which say something relevant about being human.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 27 Oct 08 - 10:12 PM

BillD, I'm getting a strong sense of deja vu on those two jokes...

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 27 Oct 08 - 08:06 PM

"Waiter! Come over here and taste this soup."
...
"Where's the spoon?"
"A-*ha*!"

Two old Jews come into a deli. One says, "A glass of tea, please." The other says, "Also a glass of tea -- and make sure the glass is clean." The waiter comes back with two glasses & asks "Which one wanted the clean glass?"

After the fare has left, the cabbie sees that the desperate man has left a huge turd on the seat. He pulls up to a cop and says mournfully "Look at what my last fare left." The cops says "You know the law. Keep it for two weeks, and if nobody claims it, it's all yours."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Oct 08 - 10:45 AM

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out..

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I please come with him tomorrow?

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Oct 08 - 10:44 AM

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

Her husband said, "Omigod! What should I pack -- beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," said his wife. "Just get out."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 27 Oct 08 - 05:15 AM

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grand-motherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle 'YOU'RE NEXT.'

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Gurney
Date: 27 Oct 08 - 01:25 AM

What's the difference between a good vacuum cleaner and a Swiss Admiral?
A good vacuum cleaner sucks and never fails.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Cluin
Date: 26 Oct 08 - 10:40 PM

What's the difference between Cirque du Soleil and the Miss America pageant?

Cirque du Soleil is a collection of cunning stunts.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 26 Oct 08 - 09:29 PM

What's the difference between a barmaid in the daytime and at night?
In the daytime she's fair & buxom.

What's the difference between a church and a bathtub?
In church you have hope in your soul.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Oct 08 - 06:24 PM

While I was guest-preaching in a church in Mississippi,
the pastor announced that their prison quartet
would be singing the following evening. I wasn't
aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I
looked forward to hearing them.

The next evening, I was puzzled when four members
of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor
introduced them.

"This is our prison quartet," he said, "behind a few
bars and always looking for the key."