BS: Best Scottish joke of the year

Subject: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: Jim McLean
Date: 07 Dec 11 - 01:47 PM

I read this in today's Guardian that Scotland now has more pandas than Coservative MPs.
Explanation for non Scots: Edinburgh Zoo has just taken in two pandas from China. There is only one Scottish Conservative MP in the UK government.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 07 Dec 11 - 02:07 PM

How many Scottish MPs are there?

How many MPs are there?

(Just to put it in better perspective.)

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: Jim McLean
Date: 07 Dec 11 - 02:20 PM

Figures for 2010: Total MPs in the Westminster Parliament is 650 comprised of
533 from England
40 from Wales
52 from Scotland and
18 from Northern Ireland

The government is a coalition of Conservative and Liberal Democrat MPs.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: gnu
Date: 07 Dec 11 - 02:22 PM

If ya gotta explain a joke it's gonna be panda.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 07 Dec 11 - 02:46 PM

A fitting song in so many ways

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: Jim McLean
Date: 07 Dec 11 - 03:08 PM

Gnu, without the explanation would the joke have meant anything to you?

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Dec 11 - 03:19 PM

John MacK.: I am grateful for the opportunity to hear that song at last. George Orwell (in "Good Bad Books", Tribune, 1945) slightly misquoted it (as was his wont) in support of his statement that "There are music-hall songs which are better poems than three-quarters of the stuff that gets into the anthologies".

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: GUEST,Teribus
Date: 07 Dec 11 - 04:17 PM

The autobiography of a pair of Scottish conjoined twins entitled "Oor Wullie"

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: gnu
Date: 07 Dec 11 - 04:29 PM

Jim... of course... it was implied. Of course, I have heard far better jokes ABOUT Scots but most of them invlove kilts and... you know... I don't have to explain it, eh?

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Dec 11 - 05:50 PM

I've been reading a hardbound collection of the "Oor Wullie" comics recently. Amusing stuff. It's a window on a bygone era when the young lads sought adventure in the streets and fields outside their homes rather than at a video screen.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: GUEST,Allan Conn
Date: 08 Dec 11 - 04:29 AM

"(Just to put it in better perspective.) "

What puts in better perspective is what was the share of the vote. There was only 2.2% splitting the 2nd and 4th place party in Scotland. Yet the SNP who were the second placed part only gained 6 seats from 19.9% of the vote; whilst the Lib Dems managed to secure 11 seats from only 18.9% of the vote; and the Tories only got a miserly 1 seat from 16.7% of the vote! It seems the joke should be on the UK electoral system itself rather than the Tories :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 08 Dec 11 - 05:20 AM

as always - the poor old Scots are shafted with a tory government.

Think of it as revenge for giving us Tony Blair. doubt if it helps.

The pandas are brilliant though - they have their own tartan already!

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: Musket
Date: 08 Dec 11 - 05:24 AM

Before everybody starts taking the piss out of the Scottish...

A nation of inventors I'll have you know.

Copper wire for instance.

(Invented by two Scots arguing over a penny.)

I know, but it was funny when I first heard it.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: Jim McLean
Date: 08 Dec 11 - 07:09 AM

We also founded the Bank of England ...

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: GUEST,Allan Conn
Date: 08 Dec 11 - 11:22 AM

"Think of it as revenge for giving us Tony Blair. doubt if it helps."

Mind nobody living in Scotland voted for Tony Blair to be an MP. His constituency was an English constituency so it was English voters who made him an MP. He was then voted leader of the Labour Party by its members - the vast bulk of whom were English. Then Labour was swept to victory in 1997 by an electorate who were overwhelmingly English. And he was chief honcho in a House of Commons which is again overwhelmingly English. Blair himself doesn't seem to even regard himself as particularly being a Scot. He was born in Scotland but didn't live here long. Neither of his parents were born in Scotland though his father was brought up here. One of those people who could be but decided not to be :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: GUEST,songbob
Date: 08 Dec 11 - 05:43 PM

The problem with political jokes (not just Scottish ones) is so many keep getting elected!

Bob

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: gnu
Date: 08 Dec 11 - 06:07 PM

Yer doin better than the Yanks. We'll see how Obama does. So far, his presidency is "coasting" IMO. We'll see.

Oh, I should, of course mention, our Canuck PM is doing kinda okay but is still FAR below what most Canucks would expect. And THAT is as nice as I can be to the fuckin pussy suckhole prick.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: Ed T
Date: 08 Dec 11 - 06:08 PM

Oldie, but goodie:

A very popular Scotsman dies in Glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says
"I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid"
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Dec 11 - 08:07 PM

Likewise, a Scotsman sends his shirts to the laundry with his socks in the pockets.

A politically incorrect one analyzed by Orwell in an essay on antisemitism: A Scotsman & a Jew attended a public meeting at which a collection was unexpectedly taken up. The Jew fainted, and the Scotsman carried him out.

Q. Why is it a public service for a Scotsman to move to England?
A. It raises the average of intelligence in both countries.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 09 Dec 11 - 06:07 AM

Jock has just finished his sandwiches in a local cafe, and the waitress approaches and asks:
"Would you like a piece of cake, or a meringue?"

Jock replies:
"Ye'r no wrang, I'll have some cake."

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Dec 11 - 06:51 AM

Famous Scottish 'Stones song?

Hey, MacCloud, get off a my ewe!

:D tG

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 09 Dec 11 - 08:03 AM

Obviously not a joke of this year.

Why do threepenny bits have 12 sides?
So you can use a wrench to get one out of a Scotsmans hand.


The above joke has heritage status, as I heard it in the playground C1965. (long before 'pc' was invented)

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: Jim McLean
Date: 10 Dec 11 - 07:25 AM

Just remember that Scrooge was an Englishman.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 10 Dec 11 - 07:32 AM

Hey Jimmy, is that a doughnut or a meringue ?

Yer nay wrang Jimmy, it's a doughnut.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: GUEST,dug
Date: 10 Dec 11 - 03:53 PM

Blair senior was so much of an Englishman that he would have skinned a louse for its tallow.

If a rat be born in a stable that does not make it a horse.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: banjoman
Date: 11 Dec 11 - 07:54 AM

Definition of a Scotsman - A yorkshire man with the generosity squeezed out - with apologies to all my Scottish and Yorkshire friends.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 11 Dec 11 - 10:27 AM

Definition of a Geordie, a Scotsman with his brains kicked out.

Dave H

Subject: Re: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: Taconicus
Date: 11 Dec 11 - 03:18 PM

How does a thoroughly leftist Scotland square with the ancient stereotype of Scottish individualism?

Just asking.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: Joe_F
Date: 11 Dec 11 - 10:00 PM

A Scotsman, on leave during the war, is telling his friends what France is like.

"Ah, it is an unco cuintry. Gin ye want an egg, ye canna say 'egg'; ye maun say 'uff'."
"And gin ye want twa eggs?"
"Ye say 'twa uff', and then ye gie the silly lady ane back."

Subject: RE: BS: Best Scottish joke of the year
From: GUEST,Dug
Date: 12 Dec 11 - 12:53 PM

Taconicus---Labour in Scotland are probably more right wing than the Tories hence their eclipse at the May election by the SNP in a system designed to prevent any party having an overall majority.
Fridays Ipsos Mori poll produced the following figures :-SNP 51% Labour 26% [down 2 points from the last poll}.
People see that these self styled "lefties" are in politics for their own ends---an apt saying in these parts being:--"The fat soos erse is aye weel creeshed"
Work that one out for yourself!!