Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012

Subject: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 01:15 AM

A slight white-haired woman slowly pushes open the door to the Mudcat Tavern, shifting dust from the jamb into the air, visible floating in a beam from the porch light as it shines through the glass transom over the door.

"So this is where they come to get up to such hijinx" she whispers to herself. "I've laughed myself silly about that jello pit and the Giant Squid and barbecued auroch and cats swinging in pendulum upside down decorated trees, the ducks, dogs, the various doors, and the closet into the recovery ward."

Stepping into a cavernous wood-floored room with robust beams overhead, she pulls in her shopping cart, stolen from a Kroger parking lot in southwest Fort Worth, Texas, and begins to set boxes and bags on the bar. Cheese and crackers, kim chee, Ro-tel tomatoes, barbecued sausage and brisket, a grilled salmon, and from under the basket, three cases of Shiner Bock beer.

Long considered a figment of Khandu's imagination, the Mother of All BS Threads (MOAB) steps behind the bar and opens the fridge. Tsking in disgust at the state of the molding food on the bottom shelf, she pulls the large plastic trash can over and sets to work. "These kids need to have a great xmas this year without food poisoning sending them all to the ER" she mutters to herself.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 01:19 AM

Carol pulls out the book of Christmas accordion arrangements I gave he last year and plays some Christmas classics.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Ebbie
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 02:37 AM

Ah. You didn't see me? I've been sitting in this corner for nigh on three days. Too much hullabaloo out there for me. But I'm glad you've come- I like company in fairly small doses.
And wine too. In small doses, I mean. Sometimes larger doses. If you'll look behind the bar counter there - there is a clean spot there I washed off when I came- anyway, if you look behind the bar you'll see a couple of empties from the last couple of days. All cab. Wonderful stuff.

But you're right. It is high time for some food. Meditatin' and cognitatin' call for occasional food.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 03:18 AM

My contribution this year? Two "interesting" drinks. A sweet red wine from Greece given to me by my guitarist friend Yorgos "Is like port- drink at Christmas" he said. Also a bottle of Hungarian moonshine- home brewed Palinka from the father of my nephew's girlfriend- a souvenir of our trip to Budapest- you could run a plane on it. Perhaps a cocktail of the two? Ottoman Surprise?
RtS

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 04:08 AM

A freak "thunder snow" storm breaks over the tavern, and the interior population of small animals and birds increases as ducks, cats, bats, and one giant squid move into the Tavern to escape the cold and racket of the weather.

After about 20 minutes the storm passes, but the critters don't exit.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 07:00 AM

And in rides a bold highwayman, his sword a trifle bent and his trusty rifle a trifle rusty. Falling from his horse (who trots over to talk with the Giant Squid), he opens one bleery eye and says, "Aagh" as he falls face down into a bowl of warm rice pudding left over from Hallowe'en.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: SINSULL
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 10:01 AM

grumble grumble grumblr "damn randy lords are leaping all over those slutty milkmaids. There's cow shit and bird shit everywhere. Swans are nasty things. grumble gRUMBLE


Drums! Drums! Who the hell needs drums first thing in the morning?


And with that SINS goes rummaging in the kitchen for a cup of hot coffee.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 03:14 PM

Damn, he thinks to himself, this isn't warm chocolate rice pudding. My horse has the scours again. Wiping his face with his sleeve, he again falls face-forward into the "pudding."

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 03:27 PM

I'm in the corner, offering a banana to Chongo Chimp. I'm wearing my new Christmas Bonnie Green Garters. After a half of Adnam's I will be performing Speed The Plough (agricultural amphetamine).

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: gnu
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 04:03 PM

A figure enters, eyes to the floor, his wide brimmed felt hat adorned with ruff grouse feathers and pine needles and stained with conifer gums, his red checked woolen Humphrey jacket and black woolen Humphrey pants adorned with needles, gums and burrs. He breeches his over and under, removes the shells and pockets them, and snaps the breech shut with one hand in a fluid motion that is so precise it is barely audible. He gently stands the gun against the wall by the door and moves toward the bar.

In a tired voice, he asks, "Keep, d'ye and yer patrons wish a feed of fried fresh Birch Pahhtridge?", reaches into the back pouch of his Humphrey jacket and produces a brace of cleaned large cocks still warm. He says, "I have no money but I have these and some may return the feast I offer with trade in whiskey."

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: MMario
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 04:26 PM

gnu - good thing you brought that brace of partridge...I was afraid the stew I was putting together wouldn't feed everyone....I only had half a mastadon and a small brontosaurus to put into it...the partridge will make sure no one goes hungry.

And they go well with the dried pears in the stew.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Ebbie
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 04:42 PM

Oh goody! Not just food but a feast!

Please make the bold highwayman wash up first. I don't mind bird poo and dino droppings in the proper place but I do draw a line.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Severn
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 05:10 PM

Seeing that highwayman playing "Fathom The Bowl" was very off-pudding. So was the frontiersman unloading his breeches in public.

Unable to play outdoors in the blizzard, the kids have taken a bunch of hardened bricks of fruitcake of questionable vintage that they found in a back corner of the barn and have constructed the seemingly impregnable Fort Claxton out of them in place of the usual snow fort.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: gnu
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 05:24 PM

Mastadon? Brontosaurus? The figure asks for drink from those that desire trade in ultimate finger food and accepts libations humbly and sips them slowly and knowingly for he is guaging the price of barter for fine culinary delights. He knows what he holds back.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 05:56 PM

Suddenly he springs up, wipes his face, smells his sleeve and heads for the (men's) showers, his rusty blunderbuss and bent sword left hanging in the air like a cartoon character who has just run off a cliff. Meanwhile, his trusty steed and the giant squid are having a good horse laugh over at the lime jello pit.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 06:13 PM

Clean, and his brocade jacket, velvet breeches and silver hose cleaned and pressed, he grabs his trusty musketoon and his blade before they come near to hitting the floor. He straightens his blade and sheathes it, hanging the frog and baldric from a coat hook, and with a casual toss over his shoulder the gonne vanishes from sight.

"Landlard!" he says in a quiet, yet commanding, voice. "Come! Fill the flowing bowl until it doth run over!"

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: SINSULL
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 07:41 PM

Clean large warm what?????
SOmewhere in this is a bad Laorena Bobbitt joke.

And SINS sidles into the back booth coffee in hand and watches the goings on at the Jell-O pit.

"It's always lime green" she muses.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 09:15 PM

is someone trying to keep olddude aaway?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: ClaireBear
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 09:21 PM

So this bear walks into a bar...

"Lime green goes so well with the Spanish-themed red and black patterned carpet we installed around the pit when Rapparee pulled it out of his house a few years back," it says. "And SINS, swans are lovely in their place" (as are bears).

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: ClaireBear
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 09:27 PM

Ahhhh -- the Anchor Christmas beer is good this year! Kinda ... coniferous, as it were. It would go well with this pine-nut fudge I brought. Have some?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Tinker
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 09:27 PM

.....finally the angel's halos are all packed away and the busiest week of the year is done...

The family has feasted on 24 hours of appetizers and now it is me time for a long cold drink ....

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Tinker
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 09:28 PM

and pine nut fudge...

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: ClaireBear
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 09:34 PM

May I order you an Anchor Christmas to go with that?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Tinker
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 09:58 PM

Yes please.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Dec 12 - 10:11 PM

May I borrow an anchor before I set sail? This flowing bowl of grog will leave me groggy, I fear, and I may wander about -- drift rudderless, one might say, save that my trusty steed would find me and take me home to sleep it off assuming he doesn't stop hitting on the squid.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: ClaireBear
Date: 26 Dec 12 - 12:53 AM

Sure! I'll weigh you one. A pint's a pound...

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: GUEST,Mother MOAB
Date: 26 Dec 12 - 09:48 AM

MOM MOAB pushes an empty plate away and nods at the barkeep as she raises her empty glass. A small old-fashioned wood and leather-hinged box sits on the table. She waits till Rapparee walks past her table and under her breath mutters Ever seen a Higgs boson before?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Amos
Date: 26 Dec 12 - 10:00 AM

BEtween Gnu's cocks and Rapparree's carefully adjusted musket, the place begins to heat up.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 26 Dec 12 - 12:35 PM

Breaks out a case of Duplin muscadine Port, "This will compliment the game nicely. That is unless you like your wine weak and watery." My dad sent me up a few cans of seal and rabbit from da rock, trow dat in the stew if ya wants. but I only go one can a moose so I'm keeping that back as a hangover preventer.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: MAG
Date: 26 Dec 12 - 01:38 PM

Fruitcake tastes just fine if you soak it in brandy until it's soft.

a little Andean pipe music would do fine

cherries and cream, anyone?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Ebbie
Date: 26 Dec 12 - 01:52 PM

Cherries and cream go wonderfully well with red wine. Would someone check to see if there's anything left in that bottle? My shape makes it difficult to walk at the moment. But I can still sit and sip.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 26 Dec 12 - 04:19 PM

The bottles rarely run out in the Mudcat Tavern. Not only does it save a great expense, it allows more space on the shelves for a generous variety of wines.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Dec 12 - 04:47 PM

Hmmm, he wonders. Could that be that cute little bosun from HMS Higgs that I met that time in Papeetee? She was a redhead, I remember, and we had a heckuva good time even if she did beat up six cops when they...ah, the memories!

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 26 Dec 12 - 05:34 PM

Just then I see a yard sign on the yard arm. It says
Elect
Ron

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: gnu
Date: 26 Dec 12 - 06:02 PM

No worry, Jack a Tar. Me buddy dropped in weeks back wit a bo'le a mooze from yer Granite Planet. Sure cookie kin spare some onions and biled spuds fer a pan scoff, eh? Now, yee'll be patient until New Year's Eve, eh wha? I ain't ad but one bo'le a mooze in years an she's gotta be done up right, on occasion, sir. I'll secure some decent dark n dirty fer ta go along, sure. I daresent say she'll be Ragged Rock but she'll be Screech at least, me son, and Dock if I can get er. Even Old Sam if it's all she wrote, eh?

Translation transcripts for this episode of The Granite Planet are not available. If ye can't unnerstand plain English, visit Newfoundland and Labrador an get yerself a scoff a yer mooze and some good rum. Some shockin good.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: SINSULL
Date: 26 Dec 12 - 06:34 PM

I love Screech, Can't always get it here.

Barkeep - Screech! Double! Straight up!

Filthy disgusting boids!!!!!!

Name the movie says SINS as she slides along the swan droppings to the bar.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: gnu
Date: 26 Dec 12 - 06:46 PM

Two Screech clean? Lard dynin Jaysus yer a hard woman, ye! I daresent cut pulp along side a ye. Tha horses would bolt!

Keep! Find that lass some rum, no matter what rotgut it is. Best slick that one flat cam. Did ye know she's got a huge pet lobster tied to the tree in her yard? Sic it on ya like a dawg. Watch yerself round er.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Dec 12 - 07:36 PM

"Ho," says he. "Varlet cook, where be the vittles? Riding the ribbon ofo highway over the purple moor gives a man an appetite! Ale, man, ale's the stuff to drink! Lusty wenches all around!"

And so saying he falls back against the wall, through the wall, and into the ladies' rest rooms.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: SussexCarole
Date: 26 Dec 12 - 08:36 PM

From the luxurious depths of the ladies rest rooms, the lusty wenches await....

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: GUEST,Patsy
Date: 26 Dec 12 - 10:32 PM

... Each in anticipation of the flowing beer and who would be lucky to find and snap the magic garter tonight.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 26 Dec 12 - 11:08 PM

At least the stalls were fixed so no one gets stuck in them anymore. But the doors do still close. . .

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: gnu
Date: 26 Dec 12 - 11:19 PM

I am headin fer the luxurious depths and snap some garters, me! Been about 15 years fer me but I figure I can remember enough to get by in a pinch... er a snap, as it were.

Keep... hold the ales... I have ahhh... ladies to attend to... god, and the ladies, willing.

Hey... you lasses started all that talk.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 27 Dec 12 - 11:25 AM

From last Sunday (true story): Mary (real name) walks into the pub session: her man is sitting way over the other side with his 3 melodeons scattered around him.
Mein host - "Come in Mary, there's plenty of room in the inn".
(Me) "just so long as you're not planning to have a baby in here".

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: gnu
Date: 27 Dec 12 - 09:18 PM

OOOOOooooh, if I had money enough to spend

And leisure tiiiiime to sit a whhhhile..........

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Dec 12 - 10:32 PM

But you do. It's all on Bert's credit card. And I did manage to get free of those lust-crazed crazies in the ladies room. Now I can properly celebrate Christmas by shooting skyrockets up the Christmas Tree -- WHEEEE!!!

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 28 Dec 12 - 12:18 AM

Barkeep, are the fire extinguishers behind the bar fully charged? Forget about putting out a fire, we may need to use them like rocket packs to get out of here if Rap sets off that tree. . .

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Dec 12 - 07:51 AM

They're fireproof rockets. I make them myself.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: SINSULL
Date: 28 Dec 12 - 12:13 PM

Last time he tried that stunt the tree went thru the roof with an octopus, duck, cat and ...

DUCK!
quack

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 28 Dec 12 - 11:59 PM

it's never boring in the Tavern

sandra (resting quietly in a corner, crossing fingers it's a safe spot)

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2012
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 29 Dec 12 - 01:43 PM

If I may, Sandra, I'll sit and rest beside you. I'm a bit tired now having had my garters ripped off by the Rampant Gnu. Someone fetch me a glass of Adnam's ale please. (Room temp, not ice-cold!)