BS: First Joke Thread of 2013

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 05:01 AM

refresh

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 05:44 AM

Two snowmen in a field. One says to the other, "can you smell carrots?".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 09:36 AM

If you see a fat man
Who is jolly and cute,
Wearing a beard
And a red flannel suit,
And if he is chuckling
And laughing away,
While flying around
In a miniature sleigh
With eight tiny reindeer
To pull him along,
Then let's face the fact that
Your eggnog's too strong.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST
Date: 25 Dec 13 - 07:08 AM

refresh

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Dec 13 - 10:39 AM

"A Horse of a Different Color..."

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from
one generation to the next, says that when you discover
you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy
investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other
strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including but
not limited to the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Appointing an intervention team to re-animate the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase the rider's load share.

9. Re-classifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

10. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."

11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harness several dead horses together for increased
speed.

13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby
deducting its full original cost.

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's
performance.

15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders
would improve productivity.

16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses
run faster.

17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and
therefore performs better.

18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for
dead horses.

19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for
horses.

20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

21. Apply for a government subsidy to retrain dead horses.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Dec 13 - 03:08 PM

More carols for the fruitcakes!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Dec 13 - 08:46 AM

"Dormitory Rules"

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the
students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, so too the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first
time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time
will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty
fine of $500.

"Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "Err... How
much for a season pass?"

-----------------------

"The Stork"

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby
stork. Baby stork is crying and crying, and father stork is
trying to calm him, "Don't worry, son. Your mother will
come back. She's only bringing people babies and making
them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son
are sitting in the nest, son is crying, and mother is saying,
"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now
he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork parents are desperate. Their son
is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he
returns, and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
Says the baby stork, "Nowhere in particular. Just scaring the
hell out of college students!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 30 Dec 13 - 03:56 PM

Oh, be forewarned....women don't like these jokes......

         
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting,...so I knew I made it home OK!


The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

         
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

         
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" a she likes to call it.
         

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Fuck it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

         
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
         

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

         
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

         
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

         
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

"No one can go back and change the beginning, but we can start a change today to write a new ending."

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Dec 13 - 05:08 PM

'Twas the Week After Christmas

'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house,
I found nothing to fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibble, the eggnog I'd taste,
all the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales, there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I remembered the marvelous meals I'd prepared...
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,
and the way that I never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
and prepared once again to battle the dirt,

I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter dressed up like a man!"
So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
until all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or cornbread, or pie.
I'll munch on a carrot -- and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
but isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all!!!
.....and to all...a good diet!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 01 Jan 14 - 10:47 AM

"Oy, Hymie. Terrible news: the doctor says little Abie has an Oedipus Complex."

"Nu, Oedipus-Schmoedipus! What does it matter so long as he loves his mother?"

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 01 Jan 14 - 10:48 AM

A day late!

So sue me!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 14 - 01:41 PM

Happy New Year, 2014!

The end of this thread. Please join the fun and
jollity at The First Joke Thread of 2014!

Dave Oesterreich