BS: Dating help ??

Subject: BS: Claire M's dazed & confused -- dating help ??
From: Claire M
Date: 17 Apr 13 - 04:05 PM

Hiya,

OK. I was happily single but am about to hit the big 3-0., & I want to start courting. I've come to terms with the fact that I occasionally , erm, "peck me own ground" if you get my meaning.


Whether I actually do said pecking, or whether it's due to the fact I haven't had much, if any, experience of relationships, due to disability (certain things I can't do) or just that I want to meet someone similar to me so much I don't care what/who they are, I don't know, & at this point I'm past caring. So I signed up to various (free) dating websites.

I can switch easily between Olde English & normal. I'm the lone folkie where I live. I get teased (not in a nasty way) about my "fairy music".

I write fantasy & I've made up various characters who are older Witches, like sort of Arthur Rackham characters. They give advice & can block out problems with their voices, via songs & chants, & I want to meet someone who can do this (& more), without any drama if it doesn't go well.

I thought I'd better inform my parents, as I value their opinions, we are very close & they're very rarely wrong – they don't mind but my mum thinks I don't know what I'm doing & I'll get a big shock.

Any ideas ??

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: GUEST,olddude
Date: 17 Apr 13 - 04:55 PM

Claire
you are a wonderful person and any guy would be thrilled to be with you. get out there and do it ... young lady

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: GUEST,olddude
Date: 17 Apr 13 - 04:57 PM

And guys won't care about disablilities especially when they see your heart

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 17 Apr 13 - 06:34 PM

Pick a country. COnventions differ

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: gnu
Date: 17 Apr 13 - 07:22 PM

I love a love story. Keep us posted.

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Bobert
Date: 17 Apr 13 - 09:16 PM

I hate to sound crude but I once heard the following: "For every seat there is an ass"... Hey, sometimes you have to do a little hunting for that right ass but the hunt is worth it...

Happy hunting and remember to have fun in the hunt...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Bert
Date: 17 Apr 13 - 11:41 PM

Do something different.

Take up new activities.
Take an auto mechanic's class.
Join a songwriters club (lots of lonely guys there and you can tell their character by the songs they write).
Learn pottery (or anything new).
Do guy things like home brewing, mountain climbing, fishing, hunting or whatever.

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Ebbie
Date: 18 Apr 13 - 12:14 AM

Bert, Claire M can explain herself; she doesn't need me - but just a headsup: If she were physically able to go mountain climbing, etc, she wouldn't be in the situation she's in.

You're right about songwriting, though: Claire, is there a songwriting club available to you? As good as you are at expressing yourself I'll bet you could write a zinger of a song or two!

Here in Juneau, Alaska, we keep talking about forming a songwriting circle but we never seem to get it started. I still have hopes though.

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 18 Apr 13 - 02:33 AM

You sound as if you are on the American continent somewhere, Claire M. I cannot envisage anywhere in the UK where you would be so isolated from other folkies.

TBH, I can't think of a better hunting ground for a young disabled woman than the folk music scene. The vast preponderance of active folk participants are older men, so catching one should be like shooting fish in a barrel: they will be flattered by any interest from a younger woman and folkie society accepts the disabled/impaired/differently abled (physically and mentally) better than many others.

You COULD try Filk or SF circles. Lots of lonely men there, and you have a good chance of finding a follower of Pratchett or McCaffrey - but with luck not John Norman or E E Doc Smith!

I'm not clear what you mean by "peck your own ground" - you might mean you self-harm, you might mean you are bisexual, you might mean you prefer solo sex to paired sex or you might mean something else I have not thought of yet. I don't know if it makes a huge difference. I'd say that the latter two things are largely acceptable today. As for self-harm, many many people have young relatives or know people with young relatives who self-harm and it is often recognised as a cry of distress which ends if the distress is reduced.

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: GUEST, topsie
Date: 18 Apr 13 - 07:40 AM

Whether or not you are disabled, unless you are in a 'singles' club or 'dating' organisation, to appear to be looking for a partner/relationship can be a big turn-off. But if you are doing something interesting and appear to enjoy it, people will find you interesting and want to share your enjoyment - then you, or they, can take it from there - or not - with no loss of face if the answer is 'not', and the basis of a good friendship in any event.

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Becca72
Date: 18 Apr 13 - 08:43 AM

Speaking from recent personal experience, Claire...be prepared to "kiss a lot of frogs" so to speak. It's a jungle out there. :-)
The reality is, many people on dating websites are only looking for one thing (and a large portion of them are married!). It gets frustrating not being able to take people a face value, at least for me.
But I remain cautiously optimistic. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: GUEST,CS
Date: 18 Apr 13 - 09:07 AM

Claire, as you are signing up to dating websites and presumably being honest about being disabled in your profile, you may or may not be aware (I don't know) that there are men who have sexual fetishes for girls in wheelchairs (and with other disabilities) - they call themselves 'devotees'.

You may find the thought of being very sexually attractive to someone specifically because of your disabilities interesting and be curious to find out more, or you might find it exciting and feel like actively exploring a relationship on such a basis, or you might find it disturbing and prefer to avoid that kind of scene altogether, but just in case you were not already aware it's something to be alert to when interacting with strangers online with a view to possible dating and relationships.

I thought I should flag this up as you say you've not had a lot (any?) of relationship experience. I agree with Richard above about the folk scene, there's probably a folk club hidden in one of your nearest pubs. Are you able to get help going out in the evening?

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Bert
Date: 18 Apr 13 - 03:29 PM

Thanks for the heads up Ebbie. I missed that bit about disability. I was just throwing out things at random to emphasize that it doesn't matter what it is as long as it is different.

Good luck with your song writing in Juneau. Just invite some friends 'round and start.

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: GUEST,Ginny
Date: 19 Apr 13 - 02:38 AM

Dating is not easy when you are a female in your 50's.
I do go to folk venues (not with the intention of trying to meet someone) but because I like the singer or singers/guitar players that are performing. I go to different veneus, house concerts, small folk venues and folk festivals during the summer.
I have not had any luck meeting guys even though it would be nice to meet someone who is interested in the same music you are.
I see men at these folk events of course, but they are with their wives. They are men who are in my age group, maybe some in their 40's & others might be older but they are never alone.

Even at the church I sometimes attend, the only singles are guys/girls much, much younger then me, 20's & early 30's.
The older men there in my age range are there with their wives. No, no one where I work available either. It is a small company and not a place to meet anyone. Once went to lunch with a couple of ladies and we got talking about this. Both have brothers - around my age - one a little younger, the other one above 7 years older - but both guys are married and have been for a long time.

On-line dating - met a few - but were real jerks.
I take care of myself, am about 5'1" medium build - don't smoke, don't do drugs and just drink occasionally - but not a lot.
I travel sometimes - trains or coaches - but have not come across single guys there either. Guys 45 to 65 all seem to be married or gay. So....I have come to the conclusion that it just may never happen.

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Claire M
Date: 19 Apr 13 - 01:46 PM

Hiya,

Richard, I meant option #2. I do wonder why people who have no disabilities at all would want a disabled partner when they don't have to have one (unless he/she became disabled/ill of course). People say I'm interesting. & my music tastes are right across the board. I have come across someone when looking up jewellery designs but they're in the US.

I get on, & have always got on, better with those older than me.

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Apr 13 - 03:51 PM

By far the best use of time is to go among others who share your interests. Music, crafts, gardening.... whatever. Then... do not look at it as "looking for a partner" but as having fun and meeting people. A happy, enjoyable person sends better vibes and attracts others far more than one who is too obviously 'looking'.

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: GUEST,Kathy - Guest
Date: 19 Apr 13 - 04:02 PM

To Claire M.

Even though the person in jewelery design is in US it still would be good to contact them - making new friends with your interests is always a good thing to correspond with them.

Relationships are complicated even in the best of circumstances.
Yes, sometimes it can get lonely when all you see are couples everywhere you go.

The divorce rate is so high though these days and there are many couples who don't have a good marriage but just stay together for financial reasons or their kids, etc. So you think about all the people that do get divorced (about 50 %) and the percentage of people who do stay married but don't have the best relationship either - maybe a 1/4 of those in that category - cheating spouses, etc. Really, does not seem like it is even worth getting married the way things are going these days.

Yes, of course there are good marriages out there but not a lot.

Are there any on-line sites to actually meet others who are in the same situation? Probably various degrees - but perhaps they would be more understanding of someone with a disability then others.
Not saying this would always be the case - doesn't necessarily have to be the exact same disability but just a caring person regarding other's disablities.

Someone mentioned doing the outdoorsy thing, hiking, biking, etc or auto mechanics. I am not disabled but I am not into the hiking , biking, outdoorsy stuff myself. Certainly not into auto mechanics - even when I had a car (don't drive now) but use public transportation (city buses). OK - so I don't like to get my hands dirty just not my thing.

Actually come to think of it, I did know this one lady years ago who enrolled in a auto mechanic class at a local college.
She said the guys were young, young about 18-25 and older ones were married (did wear their wedding band.) Sometimes even brought their wive to class. I remember her telling me about that.
She had a lot of car problems on a car she drove and could not afford all the expensive car repairs so I think that is why she took the class - but as she was single she thought she might meet a guy there. No luck meeting a guy even in a auto mechanic class. She was nice looking and she was about 38 or 40 I think at the time.   

I have taken a few classes myself, photography and creative writing - NO SINGLE MEN AT ALL IN EITHER CLASS! I still like photography as my hobby and love folk music more then anything.

No song-writing classes anywhere near me either. (also mentioned by this same person.)

It is hard to meet someone these days - even when not disabled.
Much easier when you are young - in the 20's probably.

Kathy

P.S. I was reading another post here by a woman in her 50's I think and also said it is very hard to meet someone. Not everyone has the good luck of being introduced to someone by a friend or at a job.
I guess many people do meet people this way - but not everyone can meet people this way. I am in my 40's and also never met anyone by being introduced, etc. I did at one time try with ads in the newspapers (before the internet). Met some ok people but nothing really worked out in the end.

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 19 Apr 13 - 04:27 PM

EHarmony, might be a place. They supposedly match people by compatibility and screen out the marrieds. "Just go out there and look" is good advice for someone with energy but considering that people who fit your criteria are probably rare it might be exhausting.

Craigslist might be another option. Be positive in outlook but be forthright and honest and watch out for the users and crazies. Good luck!

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: GUEST,Kathy
Date: 19 Apr 13 - 07:51 PM

I haven't heard too much negative things about EHarmony but HAVE heard many bad things about meeting someone through Craigslist.

Seems like there has been many reported crimes committed from people on Craigslist - everything from dating to people selling items on Craigslist. I know any dating on-line could have wierdos, criminals, etc. but ....have heard a LOT of bad things about meeting people on Craigslist in particular. These are people who initially met in public places, did not give out their home address but just had bad things happen after they dated someone on Craigslist.
I guess because it is free, is that right?

EHarmony is not free but has a fee?

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 20 Apr 13 - 03:14 AM

I did try e-dating before finding someone the traditional way (through folk music actually) and one some of the sites there were forums for discussions. They were filled with men not getting any e-dates at all. And women complaining of being inundated with men whose only purpose was to get sex. The corollary would seem to be that a free e-dating site might produce something - but I would point out that many of the men contributing to debates on such sites looked and sounded like (a) wimpy losers or (b) right-wing idiots or (c) troglodyte wannabee alpha-males spreading their genes about. So what they produce might be pretty crap.

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: GUEST,Bonnie
Date: 20 Apr 13 - 04:01 AM

Why don't some of you lucky ones who do have a spouse, significant other, let us know exactly how you met each other and how old you both were. If you met in church for example, exactly how did you meet?
Introduced, sitting near each other? Or if you did meet at a folk venue, how did you meet each other exactly?
Interested to know how old you were when you met and (if married) is this is your first marriage or second, etc.

If at a folk club did you just walk up to each other and just start talking and was she/he the only person you did talk to there? I want to know the details of how you met. :-) Did you ask for the phone number right away that night or run into each other at the folk club again?
Or how ever you met - let us know.
I am the dating police - just kidding!! :-))

And for you guys in the 40's & 50's would you date a woman who was in her 50's if you had interests like folk music in common? Or would the woman really have to be younger for you to ask her out?
Be honest now.

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: GUEST,mg
Date: 20 Apr 13 - 05:03 AM

perhaps there is a matchmaker in your area....that sometimes works out quite well.

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 20 Apr 13 - 05:15 AM

Some of us have met here Bonnie. CarolC was interested in Newfoundland and fun. I am from there and she liked my jokes. Jacqui an Kendall can tell their own story.

A while ago I suggested that Claire go on 2nd life,WoWC or other fantasy based sites and to be honest and to be careful. Based on my experience that is still my advice. Who knows maybe she can get to know some of the men here and pursue them in PMs, that is sort of what Carol did.

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: GUEST,Manuel
Date: 22 Apr 13 - 12:50 PM

Claire, I sense a degree of recklessness in your first post in that you say you don't know and are past caring. I am therefore more than a little worried for your sake. You seem very vulnerable and should be more cautious. One poster couldn't figure out what "peck me own ground" means. Neither can I.

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Q (Frank Staplin)
Date: 22 Apr 13 - 01:01 PM

Lately, as advs. on TV, dating "clubs" such as Christian Mingle have appeared frequently. Haven't seem Atheist Mingle yet.

My wife says I am too old even for a first wife; "Forget it!".

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 22 Apr 13 - 01:01 PM

Manuel, she did explain. You should re-read.

I suspect that the degree of paternalism in your post may be something that the OP would wish to avoid.

Certainly I'd avoid church like the plague - full of judgemental people who don't approve of sexual liaison and tend to think that the "handicapped" should be grateful for well-meaning help, that the charity done for them is a penance to earn a first-class ticket to the clouds after death, that sort of thing.   

A visually impaired friend of mine met a woman through his church. Disaster. Her own eyesight was poor, she insisted on reorganising his wardrobe to very detrimental effect, put things on his piano so he could not play it, left things where they would trip him up (INCLUDING ON THE STAIRS AND ON PURPOSE) and on one occasion pushed him into traffic at a well known folk festival.   On divorce she flatly refused to make proper financial disclosure of the assets she had inherited from three predeceased husbands.   Yes, dead ones. Lucky escape, I'd say!

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Wesley S
Date: 22 Apr 13 - 01:56 PM

I met my wife at church and couldn't be happier. People find what they are looking for - hence Richards reaction. Are there church's where you'll find folks like he describes? Sure. The same can be said of any grocery store or bus stop.

My suggestion would be to stay as active as possible with things that interest you and you'll eventually run into other people who enjoy the same activities. Get involved with service projects. And don't forget to network with friends. Let them know you're available and looking. They might know someone in the same situation.

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Claire M
Date: 22 Apr 13 - 02:08 PM

Hiya,

Thanks Manuel.

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: GUEST,Manuel
Date: 23 Apr 13 - 09:22 AM

Claire, you're very welcome. I've advised you in the way I'd advise my own daughter. I wish you, from thousands of miles away, every success in finding, soon, one to whom you can safely surrender and who shall, in turn, completely surrender to you.

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 23 Apr 13 - 11:07 AM

While most suggestions have been that you "get involved with things that interest you" it might be useful to get into something that is "less interesting." You're probably already fairly active in some things, and if you haven't found persons who satisfy your purpose digging in a different field might widen your view.

A tendency when you look only where you've had interests before is to look for someone who's respected in that area. The area of interest for you is not who's interested in a subject, but someone who's an interesting person to you. You're more likely to look at the person when the subject of the group is of less importance - or sometimes even absolutely boring at the moment.

If you haven't been "socially active" (i.e. into dating) you may need to make an effort to put part of your effort into associating with people who are. Even if you don't find "the person(s?)" you want, exposure to "how it works" (and sometimes learning more about how it doesn't) can open up abilty to find your prospects and to recognize which ones to concentrate on. (You're less likely to see the people if you're there for the music?)

While I wouldn't suggest that "go someplace boring" is a particularly good strategy, confining yourself to activites where you've been very interested may limit your prospects.

While probably not appropriate for you, several decades ago I participated briefly in a US group called "parents without partners." An advantage was fairly strict control of membership so that you "knew" who the members would be. I found no one in the group of particular interest, but did get significant experience in "reading" intentions and interests in people a lot different than any of my previous associates.

One thing I did observe is applicable to your comment:

"I do wonder why people who have no disabilities at all would want a disabled partner "

The lesson was that they all (at least most of them) have their handicaps, but many of them aren't visible until you learn to see them. And usually those so handicapped don't know they are, but do interact differently than others. (You may benefit from exposure to some in order to learn to protect yourself from them, if for no other reason.)

John

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Apr 13 - 11:28 AM

"it might be useful to get into something that is "less interesting." You could, for instance, move to Kansas;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: GUEST,CS
Date: 23 Apr 13 - 11:51 AM

Richard's first post above was bang on the money, re-read it.

Lots of lonely 'nerd' males into fantasy and sci-fi, LARP (Live Action Role Play) could still potentially be fun for someone in a wheelchair so long as you can get someone to take you out.

The Pagan scene has plenty of single men - lots of ale drinking goes on there, just like the folk scene, but it can also be filled with odd paranoid people who are worth staying well clear of! Probably the most relaxed pagans are the ones you'll actually encounter IN the folk scene.

Game online or find your local World of Warcraft and game and chat with lots of lonely men who love fantasy and role play:

http://eu.battle.net/wow/en/

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Bert
Date: 23 Apr 13 - 12:07 PM

Dunno about church, but I met Tree in a bar. Bernard Miles said something like "Where the hymn books have handles, and they fill them up once in a while".

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: GUEST,Manuel
Date: 23 Jun 13 - 04:13 PM

Someone said a couple or so months ago on this thread that he loves a love story. Who amongst us doesn't? I join him in the hope that, not if, but when something begins,our dear Claire shall be quick to share with us.

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Ebbie
Date: 24 Jun 13 - 12:36 AM

In Juneau, Alaska, we have a service place called The Canvas. Their core group is/are people of all ages handicapped in one way or another, from wheelchair bound to blindness to developmental disabilities. Some come with their caregivers. There are also people from the wider community who go there regularly for the social life and for honing the skills and talents that are nurtured there.

They do everything from painting to pottery to marimba lessons and I don't know what all.

A local service transports those who need it and there is a parking lot for those who bring their own vehicles.

Is there something like that where you live, Claire M?

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Anne Lister
Date: 24 Jun 13 - 04:45 PM

I've forgotten the precise percentage, but for all the negativity on this thread the number of relationships that started on line has been increasing over the years and I think it's now nearly half of all marriages in the US. Certainly if you want a love story, that's how I met my husband (celebrating 9 years of marriage, 12 of being a couple this year). You have to sift through the frogs to find a prince, but you do have to do a lot of that in "real life" as well.

I'd say the best route for on-line stuff is follow your own instincts but (and this is the important part) don't take it too seriously. And (and this is also important) stay safe by always finding out as much as you can about the other person, not giving away anything crucial (like a real phone number or address) until you're 150% sure you've got a good'un and ensuring that at least one other sane adult knows what you're up to.

Good luck, Claire!

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Ron Davies
Date: 25 Jun 13 - 12:08 PM

Those who cite common interests have it right.    If you do what you like to do and meet somebody there you will automatically have a common bond--and you'll be most attractive yourself, since you will be happy.    Music is one of the alltime best connections--and regardless of what happens socially it just makes you feel good.

But I suspect all of this was already obvious.

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 25 Jun 13 - 01:11 PM

Claire M: "I thought I'd better inform my parents, as I value their opinions,..."

Excellent!!!!!!!!!.....and be aware that the man you meet, must be worthy of that same respect.....and be careful NOT to think that you will 'convert' them to be that way!!!...after all, you will have to look to him.

Advice that I've given men, "Don't go out 'looking' for a woman..just do what you do, so you do it well, you may attract several women in the course of doing it, but pay attention to the one who is there to HELP you!"

Advice to women, "Do not play the 'victim', to attract a man, you may end up with a man who preys on weak or vulnerable women....and those are weak men!!...and that's not what you want, is it??"

Remember, the choice you are making will have lifelong consequences, do not 'talk yourself' into that 'scratching an itch', will be forever satisfying....itches go away after they're scratched!..and after all, in wishing you the VERY Best, which I do, we want it to last!!

The Best To You!!

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 26 Jun 13 - 02:45 AM

Oh!!.....How did I forget this?!?!...."When LOVING comes to GIVING, some people stop at NOTHING!"

(from the script)

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Ebbie
Date: 27 Jun 13 - 02:27 AM

I like better this aphorism: You can share without caring, but you can't care without sharing.

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Joe Offer
Date: 27 Jun 13 - 04:49 AM

Claire, if you want to meet somebody, the best thing you can do is go to singarounds and sing, and to contra dances (or the like) and dance. You'll find lots of kindred souls if you go folk singing and folk dancing, and there isn't the pressure you'd find in other situations.

I met and dated some wonderful women at singing sessions and contra dances. I could meet them and talk with them many times before more direct contact, and that took away a lot of the apprehension.

My wife was somebody else's date when I met her in about 1995. Then she married somebody else, and I became best friends with her husband. Then he died, and his widow and I got married in 2002.

And so, I highly recommend singarounds....

-Joe-

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 27 Jun 13 - 05:37 AM

Joe - I think Claire might find the dancing bit rather difficult.

Subject: RE: BS: Dating help ??
From: GUEST,Manuel
Date: 30 Jun 13 - 04:11 PM

Joe's advice is to be applauded if for no other reason than that, like that of the rest of us, it comes, plainly, from a caring heart. Long live all caring hearts!