BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?

Subject: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Larry The Radio Guy
Date: 07 Jun 14 - 04:39 PM

Hi folks, now that my Parties conversations thread has gone off the radar, I'm going to take my query a step further.

For my episode of my Musical Therapy radio program, tentatively entitled "Parties and Social Events: What We Most Want, I want to to be able talk about some of the different 'goals' we have for social conversations----the play songs related to it.

So I've done much of the musical part (although certainly feel free to suggest other songs).

But now I want to focus on the following question:

Why do we engage in social interactions via parties, dinners, etc?

It's clear why we do it when we're single (as per the Waltz of The Wallflowers),,,,since it's part of that 'finding a special person' ritual.    It's also clear why we have social interactions when we're working together on a special project.

But......once we're 'settled', mature, etc. many of us still go to parties, dinner engagements, social get-togethers, etc.   Why?   What is it we want from them, and what is the criteria for a successful one?

People will talk about great food, great music, etc. as being the criteria for a fun get-together.   But what kind of social interactions make the difference between a dismal one and a great one?

It used to be for me that I really needed 'inspiration'. Something to really resonate for me----and I'd feel so frustrated because it rarely happened. Now? I rarely go......and when I do, I've learned to be more content with 'small talk', chatter, etc. (although I can still enjoy really good gossip....but it seems rare for that to even happen).

And the rare time something significant is talked about-----the other day, for instance, 3 of us were talking about mortality and how questioned whether or not all anxiety is triggered by the recognition of our eventual end.   

But you rarely get talk like that at parties.

What conversations would interest you in a relatively unstructured social event?

-Larry

P.S. Thanks to those of you who contributed song ideas in my "music" thread----Anglogeezer, Jaze, Howard Kaplan, Guest, Vic Smith, Joe Offer, Peter Mork, Mike in Brunswick, and Phil Cooper.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Amos
Date: 08 Jun 14 - 01:15 AM

Insight, shared views of reality, new discoveries, validation, admiration, humourous banter, lively sense of being alive...all the good things of live communication.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Ebbie
Date: 08 Jun 14 - 02:19 AM

Great question. (Al)most all of my in-person social interactions involve music; there is some chatter and on occasion a serious discussion but it tends to be secondary to the music itself.

I'm not particularly fond of or good at small talk. I'd far rather delve into beliefs, politics, anecdotal anomalies, and so on, but I think most people would rather save those discussions for their really close intimates. Assuming they do have those discussions. :)

Frankly, I suspect that the main reason that there are not more discussions of the kind of thing I like is that there an element of discomfort, if not actual fear, in it. For me, the frisson of fear adds spice.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Musket
Date: 08 Jun 14 - 06:37 AM

Football, cricket, the best pint I ever had.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: akenaton
Date: 08 Jun 14 - 07:38 AM

"And the rare time something significant is talked about-----the other day, for instance, 3 of us were talking about mortality and how questioned whether or not all anxiety is triggered by the recognition of our eventual end."

Was that an intentional joke?

I would rather discuss, football, cricket and beer .......with Ian.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Musket
Date: 08 Jun 14 - 09:40 AM

But don't forget my drill once I have finished my pint.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Jun 14 - 10:45 AM

Obligation... sheer bloody joyless obligation..

I try my best to live as a reclusive hermit
and the wife is content enough to enjoy regular socialising with her friends, without me.

But there is one family wedding later this summer
she is just not going to let me avoid.

I've made it clear how much I don't want to attend,
and she's made it even clearer how much bloody minded sulking I'll have to contend with if I don't.

BTW, glad you might find the Lesley Gore & Lou Reed songs useful..
2 of my favourite artists.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 08 Jun 14 - 10:45 AM

I'm dead nosy, so I like to hear all about another person. I tend to draw people out and get them talking about their life, hopes and/or troubles. Nearly everything a person says is very interesting to me; I find human beings infinitely fascinating.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: akenaton
Date: 08 Jun 14 - 12:44 PM

Oh well just for the hell of it, what was the question?

Would we get anxious if we discovered that we were going to develop, dementia, cancer, galloping arthuritis, have our heads lopped off by a chainsaw wielding maniac?.........well gee whizz were gonna have to give that a bit of real thought!!!

Get a life.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Q (Frank Staplin)
Date: 08 Jun 14 - 01:02 PM

With age, I have joined the hermit category, as a guest has mentioned.

Get-togethers often involve discussions of operations, children's smartness or athletic abilities, who died and aspersions upon their life, where so-and-so is going on vacation, the best herbicide for dandelions, some ones planned events, Tigers baseball (or other) sport, the poor quality of ....tires, TV programs, etc.

The quiet if my den is preferable.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Larry The Radio Guy
Date: 08 Jun 14 - 01:25 PM

This discussion is a great simulation of what might (or might not, from some people's standards) be a fairly interesting gathering. When you get somebody like ELiza drawing people out, that sometimes makes for an even more interesting time. (I wonder how she'd do it with this crew of people).

Anyway.....do any of you mind if, after a few days of this discussion (should it continue) that I 'script' it and use it as the basis of a short skit on the topic for a radio show?   I'll give credit to mudcat, but won't mention anybody's identities.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Janie
Date: 08 Jun 14 - 07:56 PM

Realizing it is a hard question to answer, Larry. I really don't know. I'm very introverted, though not shy. I spend my days listening intently to others. Not inclined to want to draw others out outside of office 'hours.' I think showing up for weddings, funerals, graduations, i.e. rites of passage and those community celebrations that also involve the community 'bearing witness to and supporting' others are important to show up for. I may not feel a sense of positive anticipation beforehand, but am glad that I show up for them and generally enjoy myself. Also feel drained afterward.

I can turn into a hermit and know that is not good and not a place I like or need to be. Although it can be very comfortable, it is not healthy. I guess, in the sense in which you are inquiring, parties, dinner parties, etc. I just want and need a sense of connectedness to community, but definitely need to feel in control of how deep or personal that connectedness is. I want and need a sense of deep and intimate, effortless connectedness to a few people, and have always been able to have that. I also want and need a sense of being part of a community that I can count on and who can count on me for instrumental support and a sense of interresponsibility but with whom I do not want a sense of intimacy. Belonging? Yes. Intimacy? No.

I'm guessing that your inquiry here, on an on-line community, and our responses reflects, at a minimum, that many of us who invest ourselves in on-line communities are introverts who don't want or desire to feel disconnected, but who find it very easy to titrate our interactions on-line in a way that is not possible in 3-D.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Ebbie
Date: 09 Jun 14 - 12:17 AM

You bring up some interesting thoughts, Janie. There was a time when I did live as a virtual hermit; my idea of the perfect life would have been a cabin in the mountains with a couple of dogs and with very limited contact with humans.

With time I discovered that as I started liking and admiring more people, I started needing them more. I could no longer live like that.

Not so coincidentally, just about the same time that I started liking and admiring other people more, I started understanding myself better and therefore liking myself more.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 09 Jun 14 - 03:31 AM

Lonely people seem to seek me out, which I quite enjoy. Just yesterday at Sheringham (Norfolk) we sat down for a bit and an elderly lady started chatting. I listened with great interest and she soon told me loads of stuff about her life. then sadly she became tearful, as she'd recently lost her husband and was feeling miserable. We both gave her a hug and offered to take her for a nice cup of tea in one of the many local cafes, but she had to catch a bus, so we parted. I like to think she'd let out some of her grief, and this is the sort of interaction I seem fitted for. It's happened so often that I reckon it's my calling in life! One only has to listen with interest and empathise a bit and it appears to help a lot. There's far too much loneliness in modern society IMO, and not everyone relishes solitude. Personally, I can cope with being alone, as I was so for many years before my marriage. My hobbies are very suitable for a hermit: gardening, wildlife, reading, sewing/knitting, church, my cats. I can't take parties and dinners as I get exhausted with all the small talk, which mostly seems pretty pointless.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: GUEST,Claire M
Date: 09 Jun 14 - 11:44 AM

Hiya!! Went to gathering for 31st w/ live band, who happened to be my dad's fav, & then mine. They weren't Pentangle/Steeleye but it was near as damn it. Ragged Staff, they were called, they did 1 of my favs, '* Of Co. Down'. I was so pleased.

I went to 1 the next day for a friend of my mum's 70th. It was so posh we had 2 forks, there were white bits on the ham, I knew nobody, & I was bored out of my skull. Then this woman sitting next to me, who'd noticed the silver dragon encircling my slender wrist, told me she took classes in Greek myths & Latin. Another lady told me she was into crystals.

My ideal gathering, the 1st type, full of people I've actually got something in common w/, which is difficult cos not only are my interests quite obscure, you've got my problems actually getting to these type of things. I thought I had Aspergers for yrs cos I too find small talk not only difficult but pointless, but as more people who share my interests (my ahave filtered into my life I find it much easier.

I can be happy w/ or w/o socialising, as I spend ½ my time on the Disc, write, etc. I've a flatmate who is afraid to even leave her room to go outside. I'm lucky in a weird way cos it wouldn't be safe for me to be *totally* isolated.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Musket
Date: 09 Jun 14 - 12:44 PM

Introverts??

The vast majority on Mudcat get up and entertain people, drag themselves pub to pub at festivals and post themselves singing on YouTube. Quite a few do all this for a living.

There again, for some, this is a cyber version of the folk world as getting out and about is not easy or indeed possible. Some can but are, granted, introverts. We are a broad church.

I'm not at all surprised when I asked the question a while ago to find that I am not the only one for whom Mudcat is the nearest thing to social networking. No Facebook, no twitter (I post professionally but that's different and certainly not my personal view) and most of my social interactions are face to face, preferably in proximity of a bar but often in an office.

Some of the stereotyping and assumption by some on Mudcat is rather cute, but sad.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 09 Jun 14 - 03:40 PM

1. I might get laid. Even by my significant other if she likes the event.
2. We get to kick the shit (metaphorically speaking) out of neocons, racists, sexists, BNP EDF and Britain First morons. Oh, and god-botherers of all kinds.
3. We can reminisce about the 60s and when dope was a pleasant buzz rather than instant bi-polar disease - oh and laugh at the acid casualties who are still walking even if talking no sense.
4. If someone else is designated I can get ratarsed.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: LadyJean
Date: 10 Jun 14 - 12:38 AM

When I was 9, I got my first steady job, walking the back door neighbor's pug dog. (An excellent career move for a fourth grader.) In the afternoons, now and then, the neigbor lady would pour me a glass of gingerale and heself a glass of something that wasn't gingerale, and talk to me, almost woman to woman. I have been everybody's confidante for a long time, and I am heartily sick of it!!!

I am a Celt. I am verbal. I like conversation.

I don't want to sit and listen to somebody else's woes. But it's mostly what I do.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Larry The Radio Guy
Date: 10 Jun 14 - 02:23 AM

LadyJean, what do you want to listen to, if not somebody's woes?

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Phil Cooper
Date: 10 Jun 14 - 09:13 AM

I usually like parties where some socializing and music occur. If I'm somewhere in a group of people I don't know, I tend to be quiet and observe. In a group of people I know, I do contribute some to the conversation. Though there's one friend, who when she has parties, is very good at holding court on various interesting topics, and there, it's great to just listen. If I'm somewhere where there's loud differences of opinion, I tend to tune it out. That's the time to make excuses to go.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Musket
Date: 10 Jun 14 - 10:02 AM

I think it was Billy Connolly who said he likes parties but not orgies.

Three hours of having to hold your stomach in.......

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 10 Jun 14 - 01:05 PM

LOL Musket! My idea of the perfect party would be a lot of Morris dancers dancing, and an enormous pile of crumpets dripping with butter. No need to hold my stomach in (a lost cause) no silly small talk and perhaps a half of Adnams. Not much 'social interaction' but a lot of pleasure!

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Jun 14 - 05:30 PM

We *are* a social species AND a specializing one, with language (got a radio needs fixing? I can teach your kid math) so part of it is that it's just plain *fun* to be with other people bouncing language around, or we wouldn't do it enough for it to work for us as well as it does... also spreading "gossip" tells you who's untrustworthy before you get duped by them, also useful - so conversation is a HUGE part of what makes a social interaction fun. Food is also a lovely social thing, apparently it takes a village to maintain a rice paddy but individual families can raise wheat, so rice societies tended to be more collectivist than wheat ones, and the French can have "lunch" from one to five easy, even without multiple courses. "Entertainment" (to me at least) should be background to the conversation first and food second, alternating with food third and entertainment second in between courses, say. But movies, for instance, or music too loud to converse, to me are much less social since you can't talk. And while I like background music I tend to want it turned down all the time so that it's really background. Now, going out to dance to really loud music is a very fun thing to do but it's a music social thing, or a social dancing thing, rather than a plain social thing, even when you are doing it with friends.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Jun 14 - 05:32 PM

Also I like multiple generations - people from babies to senescent are fun. Some of the best rafting trips I've been on have had teenagers and people in each decade of life through their 70's.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: GUEST,Dottie
Date: 10 Jun 14 - 06:48 PM

"What conversations would interest you in a relatively unstructured social event? "

Music, art, culture and current events, books, nature, perhaps a little bit of gossip and a nod to how good the food is.

There's really only one conversation that leaves me flat; and that is when it's not really a conversation; it's when I realize I am are trapped in an airless room of words with someone who can only talk about themselves.

As long as there is a back and forth, it doesn't really matter what I'm talking about and what kind of person I'm talking to- it's fun to discuss topics I"m fond of and just as fun to learn something new about someone and the world.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 Jun 14 - 09:13 PM

Hugs.
Singing.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: LadyJean
Date: 10 Jun 14 - 10:41 PM

I would do a lot to hear a good funny story. Heaven knows I've heard plenty of those too, over the years, though not lately.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: GUEST
Date: 10 Jun 14 - 11:08 PM

Since I gave up drinking I've lost all interest in going out.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Larry The Radio Guy
Date: 11 Jun 14 - 01:03 AM

The 'back and forth' criteria that Dottie mentions is interesting----particularly the fact that the topic doesn't really matter.   I guess what must matter is a 'mutual curiosity'.   

It's a nice add on to Eliza's point from From: Jun 14 - 10:45 AM...she said "I tend to draw people out and get them talking about their life, hopes and/or troubles". And that nearly everything they say is interesting to her.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 11 Jun 14 - 04:23 AM

In the Western Isles of Scotland, multi-generational get-togethers are the norm. Anyone and everyone attends, sitting on the floor if all the chairs are taken. The evening is a mix of singing (in Gaelic usually) party-piece recitation by the children, long tales of the past by the old folk and plenty of simple but tasty food. And the essential ingredient - whiskey passed around from hand to hand. I heard some of these events in the flat above my room in Glasgow where I lived among lassies from Skye and Lewis. They always spoke in Gaelic, and had superb evenings where odd old men, lonely lassies and drunken lads would turn up, people from the Hebrides, and pass the evening like this. I suppose on a bleak chilly and windy island, it's a good way to be cheered up.
Don't you find that the trend for ghastly ear-splitting music kills any attempt at 'socialising' at parties? I just can't follow what someone's saying if they have to scream the words in my ear.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 11 Jun 14 - 04:54 AM

When Truth is lifted up, and it lifts the human spirit to inspire creativity....and creativity that inspires making the place healthier, mentally, emotionally and Spiritually...and opens doors to the unseen powers, that set the power of Love into action...whether it be uniting or healing....and points the way.

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Musket
Date: 11 Jun 14 - 05:28 AM

I'll have a pint of what he's on

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 11 Jun 14 - 06:12 AM

GfS, I'm still waiting for the verb in your post!

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Mo the caller
Date: 11 Jun 14 - 09:05 AM

Musket said
"Introverts??

The vast majority on Mudcat get up and entertain people, drag themselves pub to pub at festivals and post themselves singing on YouTube. Quite a few do all this for a living."

And why do we do this? Might it be that if we are 'up there' we have a structure to the interaction - putting on an act.

Certainly I find dances easier than parties. There's something to do other than talk, and you find out about people gradually, starting from having one thing in common you find the similarities and differences.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 11 Jun 14 - 11:39 AM

Eliza: "GfS, I'm still waiting for the verb in your post!"

......is lifted , lifts ...inspire .... inspires making , .. opens... ... set ... be uniting, healing..... points .

Eliza, I'm still waiting for the point in yours!..(wink)...

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Musket
Date: 11 Jun 14 - 11:47 AM

I do it because I enjoy a pint and a good song, and enjoy listening to talents of others, as well as being helpful to those who see me as a teacher. My mate however would make Cecil Sharpe look complacent and takes his notepad up to people to ask them where they got that song from (oh yes, my other pleasure is watching his face when the answer is a Martin Carthy album.)

Conversely, a rather well known guitarist on the folk circuit got into it on the basis of "chicks dig guitarists" when he was in his 20s. He reaches 70 next year and to my knowledge, we are still to give him an embarrassing chorus of "Land of Hope and Glory."

I have lost count of the mates in the clubs who would fall into Sir Thomas Beecham's category of "The English don't appreciate music but love the sound it makes."

Yes, on a series answer to your point, I am sure there are many who fit the category you mention too. The reason I am not eager to agree generally is that I keep reading that entertainers are lonely people who have problems with one to one and the microphone one way conversation is the only social interaction they can be comfortable with. It would be serendipity if that were the norm, because it would suggest you have to be shy to be talented.

Mind you, I'm not especially talented. I just hope others like the noise I make and if they don't, they can always catch me at the bar and try me with football, cricket and the best pint I ever had...

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: akenaton
Date: 11 Jun 14 - 12:37 PM

Some of the most talented performers that I have met, turned out to be the nastiest individuals.
There's something stinks about the "music business" and it has even permeated the folk scene.
There is one famous guy who writes and performs the most beautiful songs, yet his only interests seem to be money and young girls.
The groups are only interested in producing a "commercial sound".
Real traditional music is all but dead, kept alive by immigrants from Gaeldom and a few of the old guard.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: akenaton
Date: 11 Jun 14 - 12:38 PM

I agree with Eliza.....again.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 11 Jun 14 - 12:53 PM

GfS, if one removes the fifth word ('and') a sentence will remain. However, as it stands, beginning with 'When...' there is merely a clause with no main sentence. But thank you for the saucy wink! (Well, I'd like it to be saucy. It's many years since anyone winked at me!)

akenaton, it's nice to know you agree with me again, but not sure about what? About people having to scream in your ear over the loud music? Or about winky GfS having no main sentence? Or maybe you have, like me, a passion for hot buttered crumpets?

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: akenaton
Date: 11 Jun 14 - 01:02 PM

About the impromptu ceilidhs Eliza....used to love them and we still have some occasionally....I like GfS...and I would happily share "hot buttered crumpets" with you anytime!   :0)
As long as nobody screams in my ear!

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 11 Jun 14 - 01:41 PM

I've got a blooming cheek to ask GfS about a missing verb when I see I've spelt whisky with an 'e'. However did I come to do that??

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Mo the caller
Date: 11 Jun 14 - 02:06 PM

OK Musket. Not every entertainer is an introvert. But certainly the fact that you are an entertainer doesn't prove that you are an extrovert, just that you can put on a new personality with your 'stage name'.

Eliza. That's not a mistake if you prefer your spirits from the west not the north.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 11 Jun 14 - 09:26 PM

Eliza: "I've got a blooming cheek to ask GfS about a missing verb when I see I've spelt whisky with an 'e'. However did I come to do that??"

By looking into it...VERY thoroughly???!!?

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 12 Jun 14 - 08:31 AM

LOL GfS! You mean doing detailed research for whisky-tasting reviews?
Sadly, I don't drink at all nowadays, and only liked Guinness and Adnam's ale when younger.

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: GUEST,old misery guts
Date: 12 Jun 14 - 09:12 AM

See - this conversation over the last few posts is a a great illustration
of why I can't stand going to dinner parties and other social occasions....

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Musket
Date: 12 Jun 14 - 09:25 AM

Oh, I don't know. I find that sitting back, loosening my cummerbund and farting is a great social interaction, especially if you wish for peace and quiet all around you...

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 12 Jun 14 - 11:55 AM

"See - this conversation over the last few posts is a a great illustration of why I can't stand going to dinner parties and other social occasions.."

Well then contribute!....These folks are just sittin' back guzzlin' and fartin'....That shouldn't be TOO intellectually challenging for ya'!!

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: GUEST,old misery guts
Date: 12 Jun 14 - 12:55 PM

.. and another thing, what exactly is the differenced between 'social intercourse'

and 'anti-social intercourse' ???

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 12 Jun 14 - 12:57 PM

LOL! The latter produces eleven children, all on benefits!

Subject: RE: BS: Social Interactions:What do you want?
From: Larry The Radio Guy
Date: 12 Jun 14 - 03:23 PM

I realize I started this thread, then sort of went silent. '

I kind of feel like the narrator in Phil Ochs song "The Party", shrugging my shoulders as I crawl beneath the rug and retune my piano.

I wish I could use this material and write a song, but I'm not a songwriter.

But it does provide potential fodder for a short radio script. I hope I can fit 'anti-social intercourse' in there somewhere.