BS: New joke thread of 2015

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 16 - 08:53 AM

This joke thread is outdated, and also inconveniently
long.

Let's go to "First Joke Thread of 2016."

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Peter from seven stars link
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 05:11 PM

Genuine....traffic report, a truck lost a load of cooking oil.       Shall they call the frying squad, was it on a slip road !

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 01:44 PM

What did the snail say when it climbed up on the back of the tortoise?


WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 11:13 AM

Nah -- no good. It isn't just the joke, #·y: it's the way you tell them!

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jeri
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 09:57 AM

I always liked that one, #.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 07:52 AM

Number 148.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Mad jock
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 07:26 AM

It was deep in winter and the snow came on thick and fast and a cold wind howling. A mother duck was on the duckpond with her ducklings and quickly ushered themwith great difficulty into the yard and finaly into the barn for shelter. In the barn she wrapped her wings around her little ones to keep them warm only to realize that one was missing. She went to the barn door and called for her missing duckling. Her plaintive cries were drowned out by the wind and she feared the worst. She wanted to go out and search but knew that the rest of her brood needed her and would not survive long without her. So sadly she returned and wrapped her wings around them and cried for her lost duckling.

Out side in the terrible weather the little duckling tried to battle against the raging storm but was tiring fast ,the cold draining him of energy. The farm dog who was out rounding up the sheep and cattle heard the feeble cries of the duckling and came to his help. He picked him up carefully and carried him and dropped him up to his neck into a freshly laid cow pat and returned to herding in the other animals meaning to return later.

The warmth from the steaming pile of shit revived the duckling and soon he was warm again. He was glad to be alive and started to sing loudly. His singing attracted the attention of the local fox who was passing. The fox crept up and found the little duckling and thought a perfect little snack. He carefully grabbed the duckling by its head and started to pull it out then clean it on the newly fallen snow then ate it.

Now there are several morals to this story

1 Sometimes its your friends who drop you in it!


2 Sometimes its your enemies that get you out of it!


And most of all


3 When you are up to your neck in it it is best not to shout about it because you might make things get worse!

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 03:00 PM

Football Team Loyalty

Four rabid football fans--a Colts fan, a Packers fan, a Chargers fan, and a Patriots fan--are climbing a mountain, and a conversation turned to an argument about which one loved his team more.

The argument lasted the entire climb, and culminated when they reached the scenic lookout at the top.

The Indianapolis fan insisted he is the most loyal. "This is for the Colts!" he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain!

Not to be outdone, the Green Bay fan shouts, "This is for the Packers!" and throws himself off the mountain.

The San Diego fan is next to profess his love for his team.

He yells, "This is for Chargers!" -- and pushes the Patriot fan off the mountain.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: gnu
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 12:49 PM

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is
helping the other monks in copying the old canons
and laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of
the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make a
good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves
underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives,
in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R! We missed the R!
We missed the bloody R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

"The word was ...
CELEBRATE!"

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 07:15 AM

Two ladies at Francis assisted living land were talking about their bucket list.
Mrrzy said Oh look, my number 7 is to take a cruise, I always wanted to take a cruise ship.

Gnu said softly "We basically did that last year dear. Remember we went on the bus for our field trip to Chipoltle and missed the bus home and the doors were locked when we finally got home and we had to stay at the smokey motel with the clogged toilet?

Hmm well then how about number 8, a trip to Mexico ?

We could just go to Chipoltle.




ps

olive, Bays, gimme a dolla.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 04:36 AM

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, there's a drink named after you."
Grasshopper says, "Why would anyone name a drink Bob?"

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Fumage
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 04:19 AM

No one believes seniors - everyone thinks they are senile. 

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved a heart saying "Jerry loves Sally." 

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! 

Jerry said, We've got to give it back. 

Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" 

Sally said, No. 

Jerry said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." 

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile" 

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. 

One said: " Tell us the story from the beginning." 

Jerry said, " Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..." 

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "OK We're outta here!"

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 02:07 PM

Is that baruch or rococco?

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 06:18 AM

YOU GET POINTS FOR TRYING? Baruch Tihiye

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 04:56 AM

... and a non sequitur.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 04:55 AM

I didn't post

שלום

I posted

מזל טוב

so the previous reply from GUEST seemed something of a catachresis to me.

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 04:37 AM

May the Fourth, no it's December the twentieth

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 04:30 AM

May the force be with you

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 12:52 AM

Aleikhem Shalom

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 12:10 AM

מזל טוב

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 10:12 PM

THE JEWISH HORSE


Shmerel wants to borrow a horse from his neighbor, Berel.

"Sure you can borrow my horse," replies Berel. "But one thing you have to know about this horse. He is trained to start when you say 'Baruch Hashem' (thank God), and he stops when you say 'Shema Yisrael.'"

So Shmerel gets on the horse and practices. "Baruch Hashem" he says, and the horse breaks into a trot. "Shema Yisrael" he announces, and sure enough, the horse stops. After practicing a few times, he feels confident and begins his journey.

As he is riding along a road, he sees that the road ends up ahead with a steep cliff. Suddenly Shmerel realizes that he has forgotten the word needed to make the horse stop.

"Ashrei yoshvei vetecha" he squeaks, desperately. The horse keeps going.

"Um - Adon Olam" he intones.

The horse keeps going.

"Eh - Aleinu L'shabeiach."

But the horse keeps galloping.

Now fearful that he is about to die, Shmerel does what any good Jew would do when confronted with certain death. He screams our, "Shema Yisrael." As trained, the horse stops suddenly -- barely two feet from the edge of the cliff.

Shaking like a leaf, Shmerel pulls out his handkerchief and wipes the sweat from his forehead. "Whew" he exclaims, "Baruch Hashem!"

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 04:47 PM

Tunisia's one reminded me:

A Jew on his deathbed, surrounded by his family, asked for a priest. They were, of course, scandalized, but he explained: I want to be converted. Better than one of them should die than one of us.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 12:26 PM

OK, I am reminded of the time the brit, the yankee and the frog were caught by cannibals in the deepest darkest jungle. The cannibals are environmentalists, and will use every scrap of their prey's bodies - their bones for tools, their meat for food, and their skins for drumheads. This is all being explained to the three victims while they wait for the water to boil. When the pot is ready, the cannibal king asks the brit for his last wish, and the brit asks for a knife, shouts God Save The Queen, and slits his own throat. The frog, asked the same question, asks for a knife, shouts Vive la France, and does the same. The yankee, though, asks for a fork, and then starts stabbing himself all over, shouting Make a drumhead outa THAT, assholes!

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 10:01 AM

Football Team Loyalty

Four rabid football fans -- a Colts fan, a Packers fan, a Chargers fan, and a Patriots fan -- are climbing a mountain, and a conversation turned to an argument about which one loved his team more.

The argument lasted the entire climb, and culminated when they reached the scenic lookout at the top.

The Indianapolis fan insisted he was the most loyal. "This is for the Colts!" he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain!

Not to be outdone, the Green Bay fan shouted, "This is for the Packers!" and threw himself off the mountain.

The San Diego fan was next to profess his love for his team.

He yelled, "This is for Chargers!" -- and pushed the Patriot fan off the mountain.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Pete from seven stars link
Date: 03 Dec 15 - 11:49 AM

Many a true word spoken in jest , eh,.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Dec 15 - 09:37 AM

Secret to a Long Life

One day I saw a wonderful old gal sitting on her front step. Her face was wrinkled like a prune, she was so stooped she was almost folded in half, and her gnarled fingers could hardly grasp the glass of iced tea she was holding. But she had such a wide, toothless grin on her face that she positively spread cheer.

So I walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret for such a long, happy life?"

"I smoke ten stogies a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. All my life I've eaten only junk food and I put away at least a fifth of Jack Daniels every week. On weekends I pop pills, and never do any exercise at all."

Absolutely, absolutely amazing, I thought, and I just couldn't help but to ask her, "Wow! How old are you, anyway?"

She didn't hesitate at all. "Twenty-four," she replied.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Tunisia
Date: 15 Nov 15 - 12:16 AM

Home, Sweet Home     A good, old American Jew felt the death is close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.     The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and better and in some weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life. He called upon his sons and told them: " Take me quickly back to the United States."     The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: "Father how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!'     "Yes," answered the father, to die it's OK but to live here....!?" 

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 08 Nov 15 - 10:15 AM

There's a tragic second act to Jim Carrol's hunchback story below... after Quasimoto's death his wife shows up and fills in for her late husband. She throws her head against the bell as hard as she can and the return swing of the bell also throws her out of the bell tower and to her death on the street below.
"Who the hell is that?"
"I don't know, but she's a dead ringer for her husband."

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: DMcG
Date: 08 Nov 15 - 09:20 AM

Absurd excuses for not coming to work: one of my wife's colleagues phoned in for a day's compassionate leave because her budgie had fallen off its perch.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Nov 15 - 09:12 AM

A party of tourists being shown around Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris, reach the highst point - the bell tower and while they are standing around listening to the guide a hunchbacked man rushes in, walks over to the great bell and gives it a terrific head-butt.
He hits it so hard that the bell swings on its axle, swings back, catches the hunchback and knockes him out of the window and down to his death on the ground below.
"Who the hell was that?"
"Don't know, but his face rings a bell" .
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 08 Nov 15 - 08:14 AM

A dog walks into and bar and says to the bartender "How about a drink for a talking dog?" and the bartender replies "Sure, the toilet's at the end of the hall."

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Maximinus
Date: 07 Nov 15 - 10:33 PM

Day after the rapture-
(try not to be there)

Everthing exactly the same on television except-
they're playing Hal Lindsey reruns

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 07 Nov 15 - 07:30 PM

I tried to think of a rapture joke but all the good ones have been taken.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Nov 15 - 05:58 PM

True story: when my sister faked a note (in something like second grade) she'd have gotten away with it if she hadn't specified, my mommy doesn't write English too good.

But the joke I came here to tell is, I hear, they're telling Rapture jokes like there's no tomorrow.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Oct 15 - 10:09 PM

When I was a teacher in the early 70s I once got an absence note from a child's mother that informed me "Dear Mr Shaw, John couldn't come to school yesterday with his stomach." The best one I ever got was a very long-winded one on two scraps of paper that informed me that the poor lad had had to miss school yesterday because his pet dog had accidentally hanged itself on the garden fence.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Oct 15 - 09:03 PM

Most Absurd Excuses for Calling in Sick

A "study" by CareerBuilder asked employers to relate the "most absurd excuses" they've heard from employees calling in sick.

According to the CareerBuilder survey, 38 percent of employees have called in to work sick when they're actually feeling well in the past year -- they just want a day off.

Of those, 27 percent said they had a doctor's appointment, 27 percent said they "just didn't feel like" going to work, 26 percent said they needed to relax, 21 percent said they needed to catch up on sleep, and 12 percent blamed bad weather.

(Yes, that adds up to 113% -- now you know why they need so much Career Building.)

The job help web site says 52 percent of those surveyed work for a company that has a no-excuse-needed paid time off policy -- but most figured they needed to give an excuse anyway when calling in for a day off.

- - -

The Top 10 best time-off excuses the web site collected from bosses in the survey:

    Employee claimed his grandmother poisoned him with ham.

    Employee was stuck under the bed.

    Employee broke his arm reaching to grab a falling sandwich.

    Employee said the universe was telling him to take a day off.

    Employee's wife found out he was cheating. He had to spend the day retrieving his belongings from the dumpster.

    Employee poked herself in the eye while combing her hair.

    Employee said his wife put all his underwear in the washer.

    Employee said the meal he cooked for a department potluck didn't turn out well.

    Employee was going to the beach because the doctor said she needed more vitamin D.

    Employee said her cat was stuck inside the dashboard of her car.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 05:03 PM

A young monk turns up for the first day at his new monastery. The abbot greets him, then says "Young man, you do realise that this is a silent order, don't you?"

"Yes, Father."

"Once you're in, you are allowed just two words every five years?"

"Yes, Father."

"Good! Then off you go to your cell, my son."

Five years later, the abbot says to the young monk, "Well, you've done very well. Have you anything you want to say? Just two words, remember!"

"Hard bed!" He replies.

"Oh dear," says the abbot, "I'll get straight on to the furniture store and get that seen to!"

Five years later, the same thing again. "Anything to say, my son?"

"Cold food!" came the reply.

"Oh dear, I'll get straight on to the kitchen and get that fixed!"

So, after fifteen years have passed, the conversation resumes. "Anything to say this time, my son?"

"I quit!" Came the reply.

Thank Christ for that!" declared the abbot. "Ever since you arrived you've done nothing but bloody moan!"

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 12:46 PM

Oops I forgot the second woman who looked over at the drunken Scot lying unconscious in the ditch with his kilt over his head and agreed, it wasn't Nellie's huband, oh well.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 03:29 AM

St Peter rushed up to God and exclaimed, "Look, Lord. It's the Sabbath, and there's the Rabbi out on the links playing a surreptitious round of solo golf."

"Oh, yes?" says ‎יהוה
"Well I'll soon fix him!"

They watched as the Rabbi teed up, chose a club, addressed the ball, & drove -- sweetly right down the fairway, over all the traps and bunkers and hillocks, up on to the green - and straight into the hole.

"But, Lord," exclaimed the perplexed Saint, "the Rabbi goes out playing golf on the Sabbath and you give him a beautiful hole-in-one."

"Yes," replies the Deity grinning into his beard ·····

····· "and who can he tell?!"

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Oct 15 - 09:27 PM

Eeee, yer bugger. Wait till I tell me mum that one! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Oct 15 - 07:14 PM

The Tease

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a sexy, loose fitting pink dress.

As they walked through the primates exhibit, they passed in front of a large silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was pretty funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. With his encouragement, she did -- and it looked like the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now," he said, "show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. She was enjoying the attention and did it. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now," he told her, "tell him you have a headache!"

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Oct 15 - 07:02 PM

Bubba at the Revival

Bubba, the town's drunk and general no-goodnik, goes to a revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Much to the preacher's surprise, Bubba gets in line.

It takes awhile, but Bubba is very patient. When it's his turn the preacher says, "It's been a long time since you came in, Bubba."

Bubba simply nods.

The preacher says. "What you want me to pray about?"

Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.

After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Okay, Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

"I don't know preacher," Bubba says. "It's not set until next Wednesday."

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 10 Oct 15 - 08:54 PM

Bainbo, that is great. Bloody near spewed coffee on the laptop :-)

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Bainbo
Date: 10 Oct 15 - 08:27 PM

Tragic news that one of the Volkswagen engineers implicated in the latest scandal has killed himself in his garage.

He didn't mean to do it. He was just parking his car.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: DMcG
Date: 07 Oct 15 - 05:11 PM

From Shep Wooley's patter at our club a fortnight ago:


He: in your wildest dreams did you ever see me on Australian television?
She: I don't see you in any of my wildest dreams.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Oct 15 - 10:44 AM

Reminds me
Policeman walking along the street sees two men on the pavement, one lying face down with his trousers round his ankles, the other with his finger up his companion's arse.
"What are you two men doing?"
"My mate's had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him sick".
"You'll never make him sick like that".
"I will when I put my finger in his mouth".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Oct 15 - 10:09 AM

Am reminded of the Scotsman who passed out drunk in the ditch with his kilt up over his face, and along come the village women heading down the lane - one says, Nellie (whose hubby was a notorious drunk), isn't that your man? Nellie looks over and says, no, that's not MY man, and another woman looks and says of course not, He isn't even from our village!

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 Oct 15 - 03:32 AM

Oid lady 1
"Have you met the new vicar? - very loud voice - bawls like a bull"
Old lady 2
"Are they really?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 05:56 PM

Two older ladies were heard chatting over lunch. One says to the other, "So Harold brought a dozen long-stemmed roses home last night. You know what that means? I'm going to spend all weekend with my legs in the air."

The other lady ponders this for a moment and finally says, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 05:40 PM

The lady golfer came in from her round on the course. The golf pro asked her how she did.

"Terrible. I got stung by a wasp!"
"Where'd it sting you?"
"Between the first and second hole."
"Well then, your stance is too wide."