BS: New joke thread of 2015

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Bill D
Date: 17 Jul 15 - 04:40 PM

A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Jul 15 - 10:02 AM

The Cowboy and the MBA Grad

A young, well-educated man on his first business trip gets on a plane to find himself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans and a cowboy hat. Thinking himself above the old cowboy, the young man decides to make sport of him.

"You know," he says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."

The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right. What'd ya like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the young man with a hint of sarcasm. "How about nuclear proliferation?"

"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing the young man's attempt to belittle him. "That could be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a question first: horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff--- grass. Yet, a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

Dumbfounded, the young man replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me then," says the cowboy with a knowing smile, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss geopolitics when you don't know shit?"

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Jul 15 - 09:46 PM

The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody of her little girl, who didn't look surprised.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Bill D
Date: 10 Jul 15 - 10:57 AM

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,

" I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down
next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
"You've built a Golf Course?"

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Bill D
Date: 10 Jul 15 - 10:38 AM

"DEAR ABBY" ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUERIES:

Dear Abby,A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, foul language and violence on my VCR?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Bill D
Date: 10 Jul 15 - 10:27 AM

Sign in window of small restaurant:

"Pie like Mother used to make.. 50¢
Pie like he says she made... $1.00"

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jul 15 - 07:22 PM

The new Texas textbooks had just arrived when Nate Wisenheimer insisted that they be returned due to editorial errors. Marion Muller, President of the school board, scolded Nate, I told you before the chapter on the war of Northern Aggression was going to stay just the way it is
Madam President that's not what is wrong at all. Its the chapter on WW2.
Oh dear what is it?
You of all people should know that WW1 should read as "the war to end all wars" and WW2 should read as The War of Polish Aggression, Czech Aggression, French Aggression, Russian Aggression, Latvian Aggression, English Aggression, Belgian Aggression, Crete Aggression, American Aggression, Lithuanian Aggression...

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Jul 15 - 10:47 AM

There are 2 brothers, both adolescents, one still a virgin, the other not. Their father is complaining about the active one to the other, and says, I don't like his attitude towards women, he seems not to think of them as *people*. The other shoots back instantly, well, he's had experience.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jul 15 - 09:35 AM

* $1.99: Extra Ham on Eggs



* Cartoon of the profit.
More ham Ed?
Piece be up on'em.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Jul 15 - 06:32 PM

A driver was approaching an intersection when the traffic signal turned from green to yellow. Ordinarily, he would have blown on through the yellow light, but he glanced in his rearview mirror and saw the light bars of a police cruiser two cars back, so he stopped. The driver directly behind him, who had not noticed the cop car behind him, was running late for work and became furious when the first driver stopped. He began blowing his horn and leaned out his window screaming, "What the hell's wrong with you, you fucking idiot? There was enough time for both of us to make that fucking light! Fucking ssholes like you shouldn't be allowed to fucking drive!"

Suddenly, the red and blue lights on the police cruiser erupted into life, a cop jumped out and ordered the driver out of his car. The cop then handcuffed the driver, pushed him into the back of the cruiser, and got on the radio to headquarters. About five minutes later, the cop got out of the cruiser, opened the rear door, and told the man to step out. He then released the handcuffs and told the man, "I'm sorry about that, but I was behind you and noticed that your rear bumper is plastered with Christian bumper stickers. Then, when we stopped for that light you started cursing like a sailor and screaming abuse at the guy in front of you, so I assumed the car was stolen."

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Jul 15 - 05:10 PM

Jim, I am reminded of the old Irish couple, the old woman finally dies, and after the wake the pallbearers staggered erratically out of the house and in exiting the garden, bashed the coffin into the gatepost. Well, then there was banging from inside the coffin, and lo and behold, she isn't dead after all. Lives another 10 years, in fact, and after the next wake, as the pallbearers weave drunkenly down the path you hear the old man cry...

Careful at the gate, boys, careful at the gate!

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jul 15 - 04:28 PM

This week Safeway started selling packs of Popits for the 4th of July.

While nobody likes free Comedians Dan figured his pranks and jokes
were best served up to enjoy himself without the blowback of getting
caught. At work in the Flood Plain management division of the Coast
Guard Dan carefully stretched the plastic to open his pack of popits
so they wouldn't go off in his hand. Rebecca was always easily
startled and Dan was already in trouble for overdoing his scare
tactics with "Becca" . He threw a couple popits behind Becca's desk
and onto the carpet. nothing. So tossed one onto Ben's desk since he
was out today. Nothing but it went right into a cup of old coffee.

This time he aimed for the window with the3 air conditioning vents
right below. BAM BAMBAM BAM some went off half way down the vents
that acted like a megaphone. Rebecca went off like a scary movie
scream. Now practiced Dan did two more. BAM. Rebecca is also
practiced and called 9-11 like the last time the Navy Yard had a
shooter in the cafeteria.


It was 3 hours before the shelter in place warning was rescinded.

For Dan reassuring Becca was more promising than than he ever
anticipated and finally wrangled his first daate with here.


His fortune cookie at Fuket read "tiny fireworks yield big results".




True story except for cookie. The Chinese restaurant name is also true in the DC area.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jul 15 - 03:00 PM

An elderly parishioner goes to the vicar and asks him will he marry him and his widowed neighbour.
The vicar agrees; "I'll read the banns next Sunday, but the wedding will have to wait until I return from my holiday".
On his return, he is visited by the old man again.
"Does it matter if I marry somebody else, I've changed my mind?"
"Of course not" said the vicar, "it's just as well you made up your mind in time".
"You don't understand; will it cost me any more?"
"Well" said the vicar, "I'll have to read the banns again, so you'll have to pay for that again".
The old man thought for a minute; "Leave it same as 'twas", he said.
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Jul 15 - 09:19 PM

The year2015 is more than half over and we have far less than 16,000 posts, Lets pick up the pace folks


Mrrzy along a similar vein it was 2:30 in the morning in the hospital when the elevator door opened. The weary new and exhausted mother asked her husband 'what floor is this?" Her bleary husband said "linoleum".

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Jul 15 - 05:53 PM

Canada: The US of eh,?

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 16 Jun 15 - 06:42 PM

It always works out in the end, Pete.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Pete from seven stars link
Date: 16 Jun 15 - 05:35 PM

.....glad you got that out your system, mrrzy!

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Jun 15 - 06:39 PM

Autocorrect is my worst enema.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Don Firth
Date: 14 Jun 15 - 06:32 PM

A couple of monks decided to go into business to earn some money to help maintain the monastery. They opened up a fish and chips shop.

One of their customers, fancying himself as a wit, asked the monk who was serving him, "(Snicker snicker) I suppose you are the fish friar?"

"Well, no," responded the brother, "that's my partner. I'm the chip monk."

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Pete from seven stars link
Date: 14 Jun 15 - 02:32 PM

That reminds me of the story of the teacher who loved to mock pupils faith. He said it was impossible for a whale to swallow a man, and that man survive. Little Lucy replied    " well when I get to heaven, I,ll ask Jonah ".       " what if he went to hell," the teacher jeered " .   "Well" said Lucy "then you can ask him"

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 14 Jun 15 - 11:04 AM

"True exchange"
Liverpool schoolteacher Peter Maloney specialised in stories he heard from his pupils he used to teach at a school not far from Childwall Abbey, in South Liverpool
Two kids on their dinner break were walking along the street past the Abbey when they met one of the monks - long grey beard, shaven head, grey robe down to the ground
"Eh father, were you in the Ark?"
"Of course I wasn't, you cheeky lout".
"Why weren't you drowned then?
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Andrez
Date: 14 Jun 15 - 07:57 AM

Computer Haiku

The Web site you seek
cannot be located,
but countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Jun 15 - 09:48 PM

Another true one: I asked one of my kids (who combs his beard a lot) if he was vain - he laughed No... Have you *seen* me?

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Jun 15 - 01:39 AM

True exchange between my twins - I laughed so hard I cried and almost couldn't see the road. We drove past an industrial park with a zillion Pepsi trucks in it.
Wil: Is that a Pepsi plant?
Tim: Of course not, silly! Pepsi doesn't grow on trees!

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 May 15 - 09:26 AM

The Purina Diet

Definitely NOT for the easily offended, so if that's you, move on....
-----

A friend of mine has a huge Labrador Retriever. It eats a lot, and we went to the store to buy a large bag of dog food. We were in line to check out and a woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

The "what a moron!" look on my buddy's face was priceless, and I knew what it meant: he was going to toy with her. He told her that no, he was starting The Purina Diet again although he probably shouldn't -- he said he had ended up in the hospital last time, but that he'd lost 50 pounds before he awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.

He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. He said that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a big tall guy who was behind the woman who asked about dog-ownership.

Horrified, she asked why he ended up in the hospital: had the Purina made him sick? He told her no, he'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and a car hit him.

The woman turned fire-engine red, and I helped the tall guy up off the floor.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: frogprince
Date: 26 May 15 - 08:17 PM

Why they started calling 'em Boobs:

    B: that's what they look like, looking down on them.
    OO: There's the frontal view.
    b: And there's the side view.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 22 May 15 - 12:32 PM

Just saw the following on Facebook posted by a fellow named Jim Davis.


A husband went to the sheriff's department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Musket
Date: 12 May 15 - 05:39 AM

100

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 11 May 15 - 03:01 PM

A South Wales miners story from the 1950s.
Three retired Welsh miners sitting on park bench discussing how they would like to end their days,
The youngest of the trio, a mere 70 years old, said, "well, I've been watching these young fellers driving around in fast cars and I think I'd choose to get into one, drive through the village at 50 - 60 - 70 miles per hour, right through and out the other side, off the road and into a tree - that's the way I'd like to go".
The second, aged 75, thought a minute and finally said, "Well, I've been reading about these here Sputniks - I think that's how I'd like to finish my days; up into the air, one hundred miles, two hundred, three hundred, then up among the stars - that's where I'd like to end it all".
THere was total silence for a few minutes, then one of them torned to the eldest, just coming up to 90, "You're very quiet David; how would you like to go?"
"Well boys", he said, I have to say I'm very disappointed with your lack of ambition".
"What do you mean - how would you like to end your days?"
"I'd like to be shot by a jealous husband".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 11 May 15 - 03:33 AM

Similar theme
A small, tatty circus touring the small villages and towns of the West Country relies as its main feature, a magnificent gorilla - people flock for miles around to see him parade around the enclosure, beat his chest, roar and display his manliness.
One morning they go to feed him, only to find him sitting in the corner of the cage, head down and refusing to take his food.
The manager panics - "What are we going to do - we have little else to draw the crowds in - a few sad clowns and a couple of clumsy acrobats - we're in real trouble"
So they call in the vet who tells them, "I can't find anything wrong, he seems in the best of health. I would suggest that he is just missing female company".
So after some thought, they set off for the nearest town, purchase a female gorilla suit and look around for somebody prepared to put it on, and climb in the cage with the patient.
Eventually they find a man so down on his luck and not caring what he would do to earn it - they take him back to the site and explain what he has to do - they tell him that, despite his apparent fierceness, he is in fact, a very gentle creature "But just in case things get out of hand, we'll have six of our strongest men standing by to prevent him from harming you".
Fine, he is introduced to 'your man' - he takes a closer look and says, "O.K, but he's very ugly - how am I going to get in the mood?".
"We'll tell you what, we'll put a mask on to make him look more attractive.
Into the cage, the gorilla tentatively shambles over and sniffs, sits down next to him (David Attenborough style) and begins to stroke and fondle the man.
Things begin to warm up until suddenly the man leaps back and starts screaming, "Take it off, take it off!!"
The six bouncers leap into the cage and start to drag off the gorilla.
"No, no" says the man, "take the mask off - I want to kiss it".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 11 May 15 - 02:52 AM

Young Australian man gets a job shearing sheep miles from the nearest town - he gets on fine except for the lack of female company
After a while he begins to ask around - "what do you do for women around here?" and receives the same the same answer, "No women, here's only the sheep".
He dismisses the idea, but eventually comes around to it out of desperation, and asks how he goes about it.
They explain that he just climbs into the pen, picks the one that takes his fancy and does "what a man's gotta do".
"but won't everyone laugh at me?"
"Nah - how do you think the rest of us manage?"
So one evening after work, he showers, spruces himself up goes out, picks a sheep and gets down to the job in hand.
Half way through, he turns to see all his mates lined up along the fence doubled up with laughter - he is furious.
"There", he said, I knew you'd laugh at me; I thought you said you all did it".
"We do, but why did you have to pick the ugliest one?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 May 15 - 08:48 PM

"A wife", uncle Dave? Heheh...

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 May 15 - 08:37 PM

An Australian sailor was ashore in San Francisco, and he soon happened on a lady who met his advances more than half way. When they reached her lodgings, she went to powder her nose, and when she came back she found that her customer had piled all the furniture in one corner of the room. "What did you do that for?" she asked. Said he, "Well, I'm from outback and I don't know much about this woman business, but if it's anything like kangaroos, we'll need all the room we can get."

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 May 15 - 06:36 PM

Kids in Church

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus's mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus's father's name was?"

A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about 'Verge n' Mary.'"

- - -

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

- - -

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.

I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail...."

- - -

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 May 15 - 06:34 PM

Kids in Church

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus's mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus's father's name was?"

A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about 'Verge n' Mary.'"

- - -

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

- - -

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.

I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail...."

- - -

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 10 May 15 - 01:45 PM

"How much?" said the young man
"£250," replied the woman on the corner.
"I'll make it £500 if you'll do it my way."
"No, sorry; but I don't go in for that sort of stuff. Try one of the other girls."

Then, overcome with curiosity: "Anyhow, what is your way?"

"One pound down and twenty-five pence a week."

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 May 15 - 09:07 AM

Bound to upset somebody:
A trainee priest decides to have a taste of the world so he goes into Soho and finds a woman.
Back in her flat they undress, but when she sees how well he's endowed, she backs off - sorry father, that'll put me out of business for a few weeks".
"I understand" he says, and leaves.
He picks up another woman and the same thing happens, "Sorry - couldn't manage that".
Eventually he finds another willing woman and when they get back to her room he says, "would you mind if we turned the light off first?"
"No problem father, I understand, you being a priest and all that".
They get into bed, and she says, "You know, when I saw you were a priest I thought you were going to give me a lecture on JAY-SUS
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 09 May 15 - 07:45 PM

So also: When Napoleon invaded Russia, he wore a red shirt, so that in case he was wounded, his men wouldn't notice.

When Hitler invaded Russia, he wore brown pants.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 May 15 - 05:57 AM

This - from melodion player Bob Cann of Devon.

A6 THE LION TAMER
Bob Cann South Tawton, Devon, England
There was this farmworker, you see, out on Dartmoor. He had seven kids, poor sod. Just down the road was another bloke; he had seven kids. The only difference between the two, the bloke down the road was on the dole, the social security, and he was picking up more money than this poor sod working on the farm.
So one day he thought to himself, "If I had the sack, I should be better off." So when he went to work Monday morning the farmer set him out in the field spreading heaps of dung and he went to sleep beside hayrick. This went on with three or four days, you see. So one afternoon the farmer thought he would go and see how he was getting on. When he gets out to the other one, a heap of dung had been spread and he found him asleep. So he kick him in the boots and woke him up and told him to come in and get his cards. So he went in and got his cards.
But the trouble was, you see, the next day he had to go to the labour exchange to sign on. And on the way in, he thought to himself, "Well, I must be clever here, because if I say I'm ... he'll sure to ask me what my occupation is, and if I say I'm a farmworker, there's plenty of farm work about and he'll put me on a farm again."
So off he goes into the office, the bloke behind the office, and he looks up and he says, "Good morning, what can I do for you?"
He says "I'm come in to sign on."
"Oh yes," the bloke said. "In case a job comes up for you, what's your occupation?"
"Oh," he said, "I'm a liontamer."
The bloke said, "What a coincidence," he said. "Yesterday the circus moved into town and the liontamer got mauled by a lion and he's in hospital. Here's your green card, and you go down and take the job."
Couldn't do nothing about it so away he goes down. When he gets there, there was the ringmaster outside the ... outside the cage, you see, and the old bloke was shaking like hell.
And he said, "Well," he said, "I don't think I shall be any good with this job because I can see they lions don't know me, they don't like me."
"Oh," he said, "you'll get used to it after a few mauls and scratches."
"Well," he said, "you'll have to tell me what to do."
Well the old bloke said, the old ringmaster said, "That's easy," he said. "All you do," he says, "you put your hand down, catch hold of a lump of meat," he said, "and throw in over the cage." He said, "You slide open the cage door," he said, "and make sure to slide the cage door shut behind thee," he said, "and make sure never to take your eyes off a lion else he'll have 'ee."
"Oh Christ," he said. "I've got to do..."
"Oh yes," he said.
"Well," he said, "what do I do then?"
Well he said, "You creep over," he said, "grab the meat and pull it away from the lion."
"Christ," he said. "What the hell do I do then?"
"Well," he said, "you'll find the lion coming towards thee, very gently. Then he's a-just about to pounce at 'ee."
"Well," he said, "what the hell do I do then?"
"Well," he said, "you go backwards," he said, "and you'll finish with your back up against the cage," he said, "and just before the lion's going to jump, pounce at thee," he said, "you keep your eye on the lion," he said, "but put your hand down," he said, "pick up a lump of dung and throw it right in his face."
"Oh," he said, "oh," he said, "no, oh," he said, "that's all right," he said, "but suppose there ain't no dung down there?"
He said, "There will be."

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 May 15 - 05:47 AM

A mother is taking her daughter around Parc Zoologique de Paris, when they come across an elephant on heat
The little girl points to the enormous waving penis, "Mummy, what's that".
"It's nothing dear".
A Frenchman standing next to the and says, "Madame is bláse"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 08 May 15 - 11:00 AM

Rumours of an earthquake on the Isles of Scilly are proved to be unfounded.

The source of the tremors is now known to be Harold Wilson turning in his grave.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: frogprince
Date: 08 May 15 - 09:34 AM

Men look at boobs for the same reason that women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 May 15 - 03:07 AM

Same theme
A priest cycling along country lane, meets a little girl leading a cow along by a rope
"Where are you going Mary?"
"Taking the cow to the bull father"
"That's not a suitable job for someone your age to be doing, can't your father do it"
"No father, the bull has to do it".
Jim carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 May 15 - 09:01 PM

A boy and a girl were sitting on a fence, watching a cow and a bull.
Boy (shily): "I wish I was a-doing that."
Girl (shrugs): "It's your cow."

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Don Firth
Date: 07 May 15 - 08:25 PM

An amateur acting company decided to put on a Shakespeare festival in hopes that it might become an annual event. They spend most of their meagre resources on sets and costumes, but they justified that expenditure by assuming that they could reuse them.

But they forgot about publicity—and posters – until their funds were all but gone. They could get some free publicity by asking local radio stations to put on public service announcements.

And one of their company volunteered to come up with a design for an inexpensive poster they could have distributed.

They forgot, however, that this particular volunteer had a penchant for double entendres and was absolutely obsessed with sex.

He presented them with a design that would be economical to print. He condensed the titles:

3"         6"          9"
Wet                Dry
    Miscarriage

They stared at the poster, then said "We don't get it. How are people supposed to know what plays we have lined up?"

"Isn't it obvious?" he says, and explains:

3" = Much Ado about Nothing.
6" = As You Like It.
9" = The Taming of the Shrew.
Wet = A Midsummer Night's Dream
Dry = Twelfth Night.
Miscarriage = Love's Labours Lost.

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,DTM
Date: 07 May 15 - 09:31 AM

For JoeF:
The collective noun for crows is "A Murder Of Crows"

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 May 15 - 08:42 AM

OK, so, the Quaker had a cow that every morning, when he milked her, managed to kick over the bucket when it was almost full. One morning the Quaker just loses it when she spills all that new milk, and he says Bossie, now, I can't strike thee, but on the morrow I'll sell thee to a Baptist, and he'll kick the **** out of thee!

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 May 15 - 08:33 AM

A woman living alone except for her old tom cat at the top of a house - every night, the same, read the paper, watch television, go to bed alone.
One night, after an exceptionally bad run of television programmes, she is preparing to go to bed and she lets out a loud sigh - "I wish I had someone to keep me company".
A passing Fairy Godmother hears her wish, points her magic wand and, FLASH - her tom cat turns into a handsome young man.
Delighted, she sits him down and tells him to make himself comfortable, then she races to the kitchen, prepares him a meal, sets the table for two, with candles and wine, and eventually, calls him in to eat.
They sit down to eat the delicious meal, open the wine and finish the bottle, then they relax on the sofa.
"Wouldn't it be nice", she said, "if we were now to go to bed and make passionate love".
"It would", he says. "Isn't it a pity you sent me to the vet to have that operation?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 May 15 - 06:41 AM

A zebra goes on an exchange visit to an English farm and on her arrival, she goes around finding out about each of the different animals.
She meets a pig - "who are you and what do you do?"
"I'm a pig - the farmer fattens me up all my life and when I die, I'm sent off to be slaughtered and my meat feeds people and my skin is used to make useful things".
Next, a chicken - "I'm a chicken - a lay eggs every morning and when I die, my meat is used for food and my feathers are used to make bedding".
As sheep; "I'm a sheep, I'm a sheep and I eat grass and the farmer regularly cuts my wool to make clothes, and when I die my meat feeds people and my skin is taken o make coats".   
A cow - "I'm a cow and I'm milked every morning, and when I die, my skin is used to make leather and my meat feeds people".
Finally, the zebra trots off to the meadow to eat some grass, and in the corner of the field she sees an enormous great bull.
She trots over and says, "I suppose you're another cow?"
The bull turns around and glowers, "Feck off", he says, "I'm a bull"
"What do you do?"
"Get those feckin' pyjamas off and I'll show you".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 May 15 - 03:00 AM

A mouse was making his way though a forest when he came across an elephant pinned to the ground by a rotting tree branch which had fallen on its trunk - it had been there for several days and was in a pretty bad way.
The mouse set-to with a vengeance, scraping and burrowing under the branch for a long-long time, until at last, the elephant was able to drag itself free.
Overcome with gratitude, the elephant profusely thanked the mouse and told him that anything it could possibly do in return, it was there for the asking.
The mouse looked a little embarrassed, and finally said; "to tell you the truth, as stupid as it may sound, I've always wanted to make love to an elephant".   
"No problem", says the elephant.
So they sat down, worked out how it was going to be done, and made a start.
They hadn't been at it for a minute or so, when another huge rotten tree branch broke and smacked the elephant squarely across the head - she let out a might roar.
"I'm sorry", said the mouse, "was I being too rough?"
Jim Carroll