BS: The answer is blowing in the wind

Subject: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: olddude
Date: 07 May 15 - 09:28 PM

Dang ate some ham and cabbage. Gave me the wind something terrible. I think I may need to tie myself down or I will float into space. Any way gasx that they sell.. Nope ya just fart soap bubbles. However, ya can blame it on the dog
if Your Mrs calls ya on it. Open the windows

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: gnu
Date: 07 May 15 - 09:45 PM

Yer just an old fart like the rest of us.

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: Spleen Cringe
Date: 07 May 15 - 09:46 PM

I grew Jerusalem artichokes last year. Turned me into a leaky zeppelin...

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: GUEST,#
Date: 07 May 15 - 09:47 PM

What windows? The glass got blown out.

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: olddude
Date: 07 May 15 - 10:24 PM

I sound like a broken accordian or maybe a bagpipe student.. Gotta find a kilt.. Yeah that is my story a student of the bagpipes

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: olddude
Date: 07 May 15 - 10:25 PM

Blew my little dog right off the couch

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: olddude
Date: 07 May 15 - 10:32 PM

Going to fart to the 1812 overture. I can replacethe cannon

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: Bill D
Date: 07 May 15 - 11:25 PM

YOU could be the next famous one:


The Farter From Sparta

There was a young fellow from Sparta,
A really magnificent farter,
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart God Save the Queen,
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.

This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.

He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom, er-tum, tootle, yum tah-dah!

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.

Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.

His repertoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.

Hi basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.

One day he was dared to perform,
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.

It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

The selection was tough, I admit.
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.

His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: olddude
Date: 07 May 15 - 11:57 PM

Lol perfect bill

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: Will Fly
Date: 08 May 15 - 08:30 AM

Great stuff Bill!

I love asparagus but still dislike the asparagussy smell from the piss after eating it.

Why asparagus?

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: GUEST,#
Date: 08 May 15 - 08:56 AM

Why corned beef?

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: Spleen Cringe
Date: 08 May 15 - 09:22 AM

Why are you eating piss, Will?

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: Will Fly
Date: 08 May 15 - 09:33 AM

Makes a change from Tetley's...

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 08 May 15 - 09:34 AM

Seen on a head stone, allegedly.:

Wherever ye be,
Let the farts fly free,
For the one that I held,
Is the one that killed me.

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: Musket
Date: 08 May 15 - 10:05 AM

Asparagus pee affects half the population.

Clearly the top half eh?

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: olddude
Date: 08 May 15 - 11:23 AM

Can't stop laughing, Mrs made me sleep on the couch. Oh the humanity

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: Will Fly
Date: 08 May 15 - 11:34 AM

A courtier at the court of Queen Elizabeth I knelt down and accidentally let fly a huge fart. Mortified, he left the court and travelled extensively abroad for some years.

Some years later, he returned to England and made his way to the court. As he knelt before the Queen, she said, "Welcome back, my Lord - we had forgot the fart..."

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: GUEST,#
Date: 08 May 15 - 11:40 AM

Dan, years ago I met a man in Alberta who made bean spoons. The spoons looked a little like this. The theory was that for foods that cause flatulance, one would leave the spoon in the pot as the food heated up. The little farts would then climb the ladder and jump over the side. Et voila. No more problem.

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 08 May 15 - 11:45 AM

Dan, "The answer my friend is ... Beano."

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: olddude
Date: 08 May 15 - 11:55 AM

Tee hee when I was a kid, my brother and I were acting up in church so we had to sit next to a mean old nun. I let one rip and gave my brother a sick look. The nun turned to my brother and said Francis excuse yourself. Lol he got blamed

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: GUEST,#
Date: 08 May 15 - 11:57 AM

The answer my friend,
Is Beano in the end,
The answer is Beano in the end.

You know, gillymor, there's a song in there somewhere.

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 08 May 15 - 12:01 PM

You are a wordsmith, #. Just be sure to cut me in for 50% of the royalties.

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: Jeri
Date: 08 May 15 - 12:11 PM

So #, they make suppositories now?

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: GUEST,#
Date: 08 May 15 - 12:25 PM

"You are a wordsmith, #. Just be sure to cut me in for 50% of the royalties."

Blush. But consider it done! Given the circumstances I suppose it's now a binding contract.


"So #, they make suppositories now?"

You bet. Next time you're up this way I'll read the directions to you.

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: Jeri
Date: 08 May 15 - 12:57 PM

...walked into that one.
I suppose it's healthier than a cork and superglue.

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: olddude
Date: 08 May 15 - 12:59 PM

I tried to hold it in but my ears got really big

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: olddude
Date: 08 May 15 - 01:14 PM

Dang women, one little fart under the covers and ya get banished to the couch with the dog

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: GUEST,#
Date: 08 May 15 - 01:20 PM

It's the luck of the draw, buddy. I was blessed with an intestinal system that produces gas with no odor. I'm not bragging, just stating a simple fact.

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: Don Firth
Date: 08 May 15 - 01:33 PM

Houston, we have liftoff!!

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: GUEST
Date: 08 May 15 - 04:11 PM

"Asparagus pee affects half the population."

Actually asparagus pee affects everyone but not everyone has the olfactory receptors to smell it.

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: Janie
Date: 08 May 15 - 04:47 PM

True story. Mom and Dad get home one Saturday from the weekly grocery shopping. Mom storms in the house, in tears and furious. Dad follows, apologizing between giggles. No groceries to unload from the car.

They were in the produce section. Mom (a short little whisp of a woman back then)was bent over a counter, having to make a long reach to pick up some piece of produce to examine it. Daddy was standing at her side gazing around the store. Daddy was as proud of his farts as a hillbilly man can be - if he couldn't contain it, might as well enjoy it. He let rip a big one. Mom, startled, jerked upright as heads throughout the produce section turned toward the remarkable sound.

Daddy pointed at Mom.

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: gnu
Date: 08 May 15 - 07:49 PM

Better out than in I always say.

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: gnu
Date: 08 May 15 - 08:14 PM

As a wee lad in Cat'lic school, Sister turned and said, "gnu! Stop that!!" And I said, "I will, Sister, if it comes my way." I was having nun of that.

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: olddude
Date: 08 May 15 - 08:16 PM

I prefer the walk by fart, like in walmart ya let it fly then duck into a different isle. One time I heard a lady after poking her husband say. John you pig.. He was then trying to explain that he was innocent while others just looked at him in disgust... Priceless

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 May 15 - 08:22 PM

B. Franklin answered

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: Ebbie
Date: 09 May 15 - 02:36 AM

Dan has discovered the secret ingredient in a hovercraft.

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: PHJim
Date: 09 May 15 - 11:31 AM

Jerry Jeff sang,

The answer my friend is pissin' in the wind,
The answer is pissin' in the sink.

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 09 May 15 - 12:06 PM

Why not seize the gas as an excuse to go fishing, Dan?

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: olddude
Date: 09 May 15 - 12:21 PM

Good idea Leeniea maybe if I blow into the water I can get fish.. :)

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 09 May 15 - 12:30 PM

Now I understand why those rivers catch fire up there.

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: gnu
Date: 09 May 15 - 04:49 PM

I wish my brother Spaw was here.

Apologies to Liberace.

(I say that because a buddy of mine, long gone, adored my imitation of Liberace and that was the line that always cracked him up the most.)

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: Ed T
Date: 09 May 15 - 06:02 PM

Brocoli does it with me-lifts the covers right off the bed. That's why I never eat it in the colder months.

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: olddude
Date: 09 May 15 - 06:17 PM

Cabbage always makes me feel like an early whaler.. There she blows

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: Long Firm Freddie
Date: 10 May 15 - 03:34 AM

This might be an appropriate number...

LFF

I've Farted (Ivor Biggun, 1978)


(Spoken intro)
My mother had the vicar and the vicar's wife to tea
They cleared the room, they blamed it on the dog
But it was me.

(Chorus)
I've farted, I've farted,
I've made a trouser cough,
I've whistled in my Y-fronts,
I've just peeled one off.
I've blown my bowel bugle (Alt: I've blown my bloody brains out),
I've been eating peas,
I've broken wind,
I've dropped my guts,
Open the window please

I've been eating cabbages, prunes and pears and beans
Drinking Dandelion & Burdock, and you know what that means
Polluting the environment, my friends leave me alone
The front of me sings tenor and the rest sings baritone

(Repeat Chorus)

(Interlude)
Bubbles in the bath! (echo: Bubbles in the bath!)
Real rip snorters! (echo: Real rip snorters!)
Up on one cheek and hope it don't make a noise.
Window rattlers! (echo: Window rattlers!)
Cushion creepers! (echo: Cushion creepers!)
Don't shake your leg and keep it in your corduroys.

A gentleman tells before it smells, he waves his jacket 'til it's gone
But I'm the kind of sneaky bugger, who lets off and doesn't let on
I let them go in lifts, in queues, in phone-boxes and trains
And when they stink, the people blink and blame it on the drains.

(Repeat Chorus)

(Spoken ending)
I say, have you farted?
Of course I have - d'you think I always smell like this?

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: Will Fly
Date: 10 May 15 - 04:53 AM

Dan, this thread should really be entitled, "Blowin' out the wind"!

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: olddude
Date: 10 May 15 - 11:53 AM

Yes my buddy or blow ye wind hi ho

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: frogprince
Date: 10 May 15 - 09:24 PM

Wish we could post images; our newspaper just had a cartoon with a guy sitting in a chair, with wind chimes hanging on the open back of the chair. Dan, maybe you could make the situation a little more pleasant that way.

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: FreddyHeadey
Date: 11 May 15 - 01:52 PM

I'm slightly reluctant to prolong this thread before it gets shifted to BS
but...


Olddude, is this you?
Mr Methane

Subject: RE: BS: The answer is blowing in the wind
From: Don Firth
Date: 11 May 15 - 02:15 PM

I understand that the atmospheres of the outer gas giants in our solar system, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune, are composed primarily of methane.

I sometimes wonder how it smells on those planets . . . but I don't think I really want to know--

Don Firth