BS: Christmas Tavern 2015

Subject: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Dec 15 - 07:01 PM

Gently pushed open, the door squeals on rusty hinges. He steps into a dusty, cobweb-strewn, room. Cold air wraps like a reverse blanket, enhanced by the hole in the roof.

From somewhere comes the sounds of tentacles slapping on jello. Somehow he knows it's lime jello.

"This'll take some doing," he thinks, and whistles for his trusty steed. The horse, jet black save for three white socks, gingerly enters. "Let's get this place working again," he says. "Please."

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: frogprince
Date: 17 Dec 15 - 08:55 PM

Kewl, the tavern now has a talking horse...:)

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: mg
Date: 17 Dec 15 - 09:43 PM

And three buxom Swedish massage ladies dressed in white dresses with red rickrack and lots of crossstiching. Who link arms and sing Santa Lucia.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Dec 15 - 10:19 PM

While serving huge mugs of glog.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: mg
Date: 18 Dec 15 - 12:51 AM

the swedish ladies have an aversion to dust and cobwebs and smelly horses so after they have shampooed the horse they get to going with their brooms and mop buckets. singing all the while and thinking of the krumkake they have stashed away.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 18 Dec 15 - 05:17 AM

An grizzled old timer drags some timber across the dusty floor, axe strapped to his back "lets get us a fire going, sure is chilly in here he says, what we need is a good old blaze to get the place warmed up a touch ....... hey pass me that Bourbon bottle .........."

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: MMario
Date: 18 Dec 15 - 05:40 AM

Clicks on the audio

I'll pop into the kitchen and see what I can whip up for snacks.
Pour me an Old Engine Oil, will you?

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Dec 15 - 06:21 AM

"Nice to see you, MMario.", mutters the garden ornament drinking undiluted anti-freeze in the corner. "Raggytash, watch what you are doing with those matches!"

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 18 Dec 15 - 09:02 AM

Is this the time to invoke the Sanity Clause?
Who turned the jello pit into a mini ice rink, and is THAT a penguin?
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Dec 15 - 09:15 AM

Oh, go on then, I'll do it...

There ain't no sanity clause!

And no, it's a nun on roller skates.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Dec 15 - 09:49 AM

Squiddy, helplessly smacking the surface of the frozen jello pit with he one free tentacle, lies deep below the ice, hoping that someone will warm the place up.

At the same time, the fella with the sword politely requests a glass of Neversweat whiskey for himself and another, larger, for his horse.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: gnu
Date: 18 Dec 15 - 04:32 PM

And a star appeared in the east and three wise men ordered a round and fish and chips with an appetizer of tongues 'n cheeks. Squiddy got nervous.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Kampervan
Date: 18 Dec 15 - 05:51 PM

Whoa, back to those Swedish massage ladies,, did I notice their dresses getting really wet when they shampooed that horse?

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: gnu
Date: 18 Dec 15 - 06:05 PM

Horse? Is there an equestrian competition later?

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,mg
Date: 18 Dec 15 - 06:44 PM

you did not. Swedish ladies can clean and cook and chop down trees and shampoo horses and never get dirty or sweaty or sudsy like the rest of us. And wait till you see what they made for the burgeoning crowd with no real food on hand..some oats from the horse's sack, a can of condensed milk, some berries that looked pretty much like lingon berries growing outside, a splash of brandy and voila, some Christmas pudding.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Dec 15 - 08:58 PM

As the place warms, the ice on the windows panes starts to thaw. In some places this is not good, i.e. bad, because the ice was the "glass."

Meanwhile the horse (named "Bossy" after a cow) thoroughly enjoys the Swedish shampoo.

And the man with the sword downs another Neversweat.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Dec 15 - 10:31 PM

A view out of one of the windows. And from one of the others drifts in the sound of caroling.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 06:05 AM

The old timer, took the bottle "won't need the glass thank you Ma'am" dragged a broken chair over in front of the flames, sat down with his head bent low, staring into the fire. He seemed to be looking for something in the flames, something lost years before ......... "I remember, he started.... I remember ............" He took a swig from the bottle, reminiscing in his mind, was that really true, did that really happen, was I really there, all those years ago ........


(To be continued)

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 12:28 PM

The smell of roasting pork and the sound of crackling from the kitchen end are both getting stronger. Outside, a dog barks, but nobody inside hears it.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 02:45 PM

And the shampoo over, Bossy turns to the Swedish ladies and makes an indecent suggestion. Shocked by a talking horse, they turn and flee, stumbling over the edge and into the now-thawed jello pool.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,Severn
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 03:01 PM

I'm glad that they got things right this year. I remember the year that someone sent for a Swedish misogynist by mistake. Once it was explained that a masseuse rubs people the right way and a misogynist rubs them the wrong way, the Swede was banished through the magic connecting tunnel to the Mudcat Recovery Ward and is now assisting Hurty Gertie in the Physical Therapy room....

Speaking about the tunnel to the hospital, it was chronicled in last summer's adventures in The Recovery Ward that the Squid had found himself a wife and a number of young squidlets were running about in the Tavern. Their number was diminished by a few having perished in an ill advised journey into the hospital, where the Squid and Liz The Squeak had to rescue the survivors. For now, the link to the hospital has been closed and secured. There are quite a few left, and they are gathering whatever they can find to use as ornaments on the yet undecorated tree, so keep a close watch on your belongings.....

The alligator came back through the alley gate and has assumed his usual role as bartender....

Liz is once again hogging the loo, and the usual line is growing and folks are beginning to grumble....

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 03:13 PM

Outside, a dog barks, but nobody inside hears it.

Outside a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read...

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,mg
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 03:46 PM

have a yolly holly christmas sang the Swedes

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: gnu
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 04:06 PM

Should I stuff my turkey this year?

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: JennieG
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 04:12 PM

Now why would you do that? Was it empty when you bought it?

A long way away can be heard the sound of the dulcet tones of the Ozzies. It is so much further for them to come that they started walking right after last Christmas (although not backwards) bringing with them the smell of eucalyptus and wombat poo, a smell reminiscent of Christmases past. And dead stuff.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 04:28 PM

The old man took a swig from the bottle, the bourbon burnt his throat, should he call for a mixer, NO! NO! sod it, he took another swig, longer this time but swallowed it slowly delighting in the mellowness of the dram ........... He whistled quietly .......... an old tune, an old tune that he'd heard somewhere before ...........where was that? when was that? where all his years did that tune come from? ....He took another draught from the bottle ..........frowned a little, then smiled, ah ......... yes ....... a dim and distant memory recalled ... ah yes ... she was a good woman ..........He looked at the bottle again, grinned a little as a tear formed in his eye ..............

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 02:29 PM

Somebody wonders if the tune is Good King Wench's Lass...

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 04:00 PM

"Who ordered the pizza?", came a voice from the door. "Deep pan. Crisp and even..."

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 07:04 PM

And from the tree hang Squiddy's kids, pretending they are ornaments.

Meanwhile, the man with the sword walks out the door, unloads his pack donkey, and brings in several oversized boxes which are each marked "Explosives -- Be Careful!" He carefully piles them under a table and sits down, again drinking alone.

Several seasonal Slovakian songs are sung with oboe and bassoon accompaniment.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Janie
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 09:52 PM

A very irate voice shouts from the yard outside, "Why didn't my first shout post, and where is the friggin' wheelchair ramp!"

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 10:02 PM

And he thought, "Why would she shoot first?"

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: mg
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 12:14 AM

I think they tore it up to shutter the broken windows and someone used the rest for the yule fire. It was unsafe anyway and it had been years since anyone used it. But the Swedish ladies are very strong and ada certified.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Amos
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 01:01 AM

Muffled by winter wind, the distant thundering rumble of a 1948 Indian is heard on the cold air; the deep throb of it shakes the Tavern walls and grows slowly louder, finally coming to a rumbling halt in the parking lot just outside.

Shaking snow from a wide-brimmed bush-ranger's hat, a tall, handsome stranger enters, knocking the snow from his hand-tooled snakeskin boots. He sidles up to the bar, hoping for a glimpse of the Gaelic barmaid, but it seems she has left town.

Nettled, he orders a double single malt with a Guinness chaser and limps over to the far corner of the hearth, settling down with his honey-hued 1953 Dreadnought, and starts singing quietly about some cowpokes way high up in the Sierry Petes.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 01:26 AM

Somebody bought the gnome a drink. The tankard was nearly as tall as the wee man, but he'd earned it!

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 04:27 AM

The old timer looks across the fire now blazing at the old Indian. He noticed the ring on his finger made from the bone of a man who spilt whisky on the Indians wife, he saw the marks on his body under his shirt that looked like a bear had ripped him and saw the scars on his cheeks that appeared like a rattlesnake bite. "You've been around a while my friend he said"

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 04:32 AM

Past three o'clock and it's time to peel the Swedes: they, however did not like the sound of this and ran away screaming. The old man decided sprouts would have to do after all, and consoled himself with a new bottle of Sheep Dip.
Meanwhile, the man from Yodel was yodelling at the door: "where is your secret hidey-hole?" Parcel in the coal bunker.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 09:32 AM

Sierry Pete enters, spurs jangling. "Ah don't like anybody singin' about that dad-blamed song!" he says quietly but with venom dripping on every word. His hands quietly resting on the faux ivon grips of his twin, silver mounted .44s, hanging from his black, hand-tooled buscadero style gun belt with the silver conchos.

"Ah plumb don't like it," he repeats, and pulling his 1000x silver belly beaver down toward his eyebrows, glowers at the man with the guitar.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 09:04 PM

Suddenly, the air raid siren goes off.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: mg
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 11:24 PM

The man with the explosives is ready with some antiaircraft devices he already has rigged up should anyone intrude upon what he considers his personal airspace. The herald angels might be singing tonight.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 03:46 AM

"Hey carefully with those anti-aircraft things friend" says the old timer "you might just shoot down old Santa if you loose them things off boy"

He goes back to his bottle, giggling.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 10:10 AM

Quietly efficient, he places the pyrotechnics around the Christmas tree. What is Christmas without fireworks? he thinks as he places another star cluster near one of the fireplaces.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: mg
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 05:58 PM

Is that real Santa or false Santa? How can it be determined and action taken. There is a committee forming which is committed to making decisions through consensus.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: mg
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 05:58 PM

Is that real Santa or false Santa? How can it be determined and action taken. There is a committee forming which is committed to making decisions through consensus.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 06:07 PM

Egg nog with Cognac please! On second thought, double up on the cognac and scratch the egg nog. And a Merry Christmas to all of you!

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 07:48 PM

The pyrotechnics planted, he walks quietly back to his solitary table and orders another, a Wyoming Whiskey this time.

Reaching into a backpack he pulls out -- a 1929 C. G Conn nickel silver and gold B flat trumpet, inserts the mouthpiece, and begins to play smooooooooth jazz.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 08:03 PM

So that's why all he wants for Christmas is his 2 front teeth: danged explosives blew them out!
In the meantime, mg has had a very bad case of quintupulation: no committee needed to decide that he is utterly and completely false!

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Janie
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 08:49 PM

Dear Swedish maids, didn't mean to scare you so bad you stuttered when I yelled. Thanks for hauling me up the stairs. That is right Christmas of you.

She looks at the guy with the explosives, eyebrows raised. He gets it. Not until Old Christmas Day.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 09:14 PM

Of course not, he nods, and breaks into a Dixieland number, "Naked Dance."

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,Severn
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 05:34 PM

Over in the corner, Severn finds a stepladder surrounded a puddle of water, a broom, a top hat, a button, a corncob and some coal.

"Damn, he says to himself. I shouldn't have asked him to change that light bulb."

Severn then goes about placing a wreath at the spot with a sign saying "DeFrosty--Snowman (Ret.) 2015-2015", when a policeman runs up, stops, points his pistol and yells, "OK, FREEZE!"

The snowman gets back up, shakes his head and says, "Boy, I must've fainted and taken quite a fall! Thank you, officer!". He picks up all his clothing and gear and rejoins the party........

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,mg
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 06:40 PM

the instant the policeman said freeze, one of the more unassuming patrons, emerging from the cold coal bunker in case of the air raid thought..that is it. we can capture the energy of the falling snow, as well as the melting snow, as well as the light waves bouncing off the snow..this will make siberia and lapland and international falls prime tourist destinations, as they are already but mostly for the sturdier sort..this way everyone could enjoy the northern lights and the reindeer stews (sorry Rudolph and Vixen ec.) She grabbed a pencil and a tablet, as she was an old fashioned engineer, and worked out the equations. Sure enough..five times as much solar or other energy than straight solar. This would revolutionize the world. Did she dare hope? Did the world dare hope? Would big bad oil steal her patents, which she planned to open source? No more widows freezing in the garrets. No more frostbite in the Klondike. And the harold angels did sing then.