BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016

Subject: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Dec 16 - 09:57 PM

Dark and cold. A skiff of snow blew around his feet and blast of wind blew him hard against the oaken door.

It gave, and opened wide. He nearly fell.

Inside it was warmer, not much, but out of the wind. While no one had been inside for quite a while he found that there were still live embers in the massive hearth.

He kindled a fire, small and friendly and warming. Taking his billy from off his bong (he used it for a hook) he filled it with water.

As the warmth and light began to fill the hall he looked around and whistled for his trusty steed.

His call went unanswered, as the horse had already found warmth and shelter in the stable. The stallion was unsaddled and given food and water and clean hay.

Inside, the billy was boiling. He tossed in a handful of ground coffee, put the lid back on, and let it brew.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: keberoxu
Date: 18 Dec 16 - 10:09 PM

And so the fun and games begin. I'm scared to go in. Darn, not again...I'm a poet and don't know it....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 19 Dec 16 - 12:31 AM

sandra leaves hot, humid Sydney in the hope of finding cooler weather -

but is she looking for snow & snowy winds and ...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: JennieG
Date: 19 Dec 16 - 02:36 AM

She won't find them in Yass! The Yassians are pouring out the cold bubbles and setting out a plate of excellent local cheeses while they wait for the weary travellers' arrival.

Meanwhile, in front of the empty fireplace, a small child is hazing forlornly and expectantly into the hearth, hoping against hope that a fat men wearing a red suit may come tumbling down any minute.

Outside in the shade of a gum tree stands a strange four-legged creature, and nearby is an open cart piled high with........

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Dec 16 - 03:26 AM

...manure.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 19 Dec 16 - 04:00 AM

A rather plump old woman on a sturdy carthorse arrives. Carthorse is stabled too, and plump old woman enters tavern. Rap's fire is burning beautifully and the warm glow makes the place lovely and cosy.
Old woman orders a half of Adnam's ale and settles in for a nice chat with all the others.
(Any buttered crumpets landlord....?)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Ebbie
Date: 19 Dec 16 - 12:48 PM

I shrug. In the warmth of the rough walls and dumped manure I accept that I shall never see the inside of the tavern itself. And that is all right; it is cozy where I am and it is where I choose to be. As each animal arrives I lead it into the stables and unsaddle or unharness it as the case may be and give it a quick rubdown with clean gunny sacks. As oblivious of my presence as their humans are, I cannot ignore the needs of the steeds.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 19 Dec 16 - 01:03 PM

Old lady hurries outside to the stables bearing mince pies and mulled wine for kind Ebbie with the horses. Her own carthorse is enjoying a bran mash and is deep in warm straw.
More people arrive as the evening progresses.. who shall we see next? Ah! A man with blond hair, an American accent and a rather strangely-coloured tanned face...No! No! It can't be!! Aaaaaaargh!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Dec 16 - 05:18 PM

And I' brought coffee and Colorado Northern Comfort weed. I'll smell like sweaty Tee shirts in here in no time.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 04:05 AM

Well if that's a kind of cannabis Donuel, don't smoke it near me please. I don't approve of drugs. And don't smoke it in the stables either, the horses will go all wibbly-wobbly and giggly. We won't be able to ride them home.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Ebbie
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 04:31 AM

Not to mention that we don't want flames in the stables! Thanks for the mulled wine, Senoufou (What does your name mean?) It's a chilly night out there but the drink will make me all the toastier. Just for that, I'll give the horses an extra measure of oats.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 04:43 AM

It's the name of my husband's tribe in Ivory Coast. I was originally Eliza on here years ago, but when I eventually joined, Joe said someone else already had 'Eliza'.

Tanned-face-man with blond hair has wandered off to find a more flashy tavern. He was a bit weird in my opinion.

When is the music going to start? I've brought my trusty harmonica and my recorder too. And I think I'll have another half of Adnam's thank you.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 05:28 AM

sandra saunters in, having left a giant wombat in the stable where it started eating the straw in the stall where an unfazed Ebbie placed it.

Giant wombats are herbivores, allegedly extinct 25,000 years ago & they certainly don't belong to people (maybe people belong to giant wombats??) Maybe JennieG will sort out the situation when she gets back.

sandra places an order for hot spiced orange juice and a chicken sandwich & looks around ...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 06:36 AM

Oooooh hello there Sandra! Love your giant wombat!
Didn't realise they serve chicken sandwiches here. I'll have one too.
Later, can I have a ride on the wombat please? You can have a go on my carthorse if you like. :)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 08:18 AM

Look the Wombat likes it, cough cough, cough cough cough.

STOP THAT! Senofou yelled.

blonde pale face says 'no judgments mate' its fictional isn't it?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 09:25 AM

Fictional? No! He thinks that this is far more real that, say, Washington, DC, where he spent 38 Christmases. THAT was fictional. Fantasyland On The Potomac.

He needs a drink.

"Landlord! A toddy, and don't spare the rum!" and he places his drinking horn on the bar.

MMario does auroch, he muses. And the giant squid...where IS Squiddy?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 09:29 AM

Gaaaah! Now we have a stoned giant wombat to cope with! Donuel, I shall smack your bottie.
Never mind, have a mince pie and a pint of Adnam's. In fact, you can have one of my toasted crumpets, here you are; it's Christmas after all.   :)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 11:05 AM

I rubbed some myrrh on my lips and meandered toward the dark where the Stallion stood and watched. The pale blonde held out his fingers and thankful lips licked them while huge eyes looked pleased. Just then an ocarina sounded what I took as announcement so at looked to the wide open doors where a silhouette against pinks and purples appeared and I murmured "is that Sheila pregnant"?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: JennieG
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 05:07 PM

Looking down, Sheila is shocked......"Where did that come from?" she muttered. "It wasn't there last time I looked!"

From the other side of the hill she hears a mysterious noise, which turns out to be a solitary diprodoton (the technical name for the abovementioned giant wombat) who had wandered in from its home in far-flung Coonabarabran. Being a shy retiring creature it is more cautious of Sheila than she is of it, which is really saying something.

As Sheila leaned closer the diprodoton opened its mouth and said......

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 05:22 PM

Whisky, Power's, hot.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 05:43 PM

Enter Fool:

Room, room, brave gallants! Give us room to sport;
For in this room we wish to resort
Resort and repeat to you our merry rhyme,
For remember good sirs, this is Christmas time.
The time to cut up goose pies now doth appear,
So we are come to to act our merry Christmas here.
At the sound of the trumpet and the beat of the drum;
Make room, brave gentlemen and let our actors come...

Enter Gnome, with much loud belching and breaking of wind, much to the consternation of the fool.

Fool:

Are you a merry actor that traverses the street?
Are you a merry actor that fights for your meat?
Are you a merry actor that show pleasant play?
I thought you St George, the champion, to clear the way!

Gnome: St George? That poofter in a bed sheet with a red cross and rubber sword? Nah. He p****d off when I asked him for the price of a pint. Now how much money have you collected up to now? I'm sure you must be in a festive and generous mood :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: ranger1
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 08:35 PM

The little Ranger slips in and unleashes the Tennessee Brat Terrier before removing her snowshoes and standing them in a corner. From a rather large rucksack, she removes several Tupperware containers filled with home-made gingersnaps (they pair nicely with Laphoaig), sugar cookies, and oatmeal raisin cookies. There is also a box of dog biscuits for the Brat Terrier.

"Barkeep, I'l take a lovely hot cup of cocoa, thanks."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 09:33 PM

Eliza, the wombat & I met up when I was looking for cooler weather. I unno what it was looking for or how it travelled across 25,000 years, but we wandered along together.

It was a dignified animal & much taller than me so we just walked along together till we saw the lights. But if might like a crumpet - maybe not - do they have eggs in them? so why not offer it some grasses or flowes (are there any left from last year?)

I haven't sat on a horse for decades. Our neighbour used to let all the kids on Gypsy's back when she brought her into her paddock - not all of us at once, of course, but Gypsy was not a carthorse.

has the Fool put his money on the bar? or are we operating on last year's credit card?

recorder, harmionica, ocarina, let the music begin! (please she sez. politely)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 09:38 PM

(Grumpily) Actually, that whisky was for me. I didn't realize that dinothing could throw its voice!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 11:08 PM

It's always on a credit card.

He drains the drinking horn and then, taking a mouthpiece from his pocket, plays a melody to dance to, lad (and lassies).

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 11:25 PM

Relax M
doncha see she just has a bad case of Munchies. Reaching in my pendulous sack...Weedenscense, myrrh, mold, ah cinnamon sugar mushrooms, with that she bumped me in the armpit and I dropped the weed and whoomph it was gone. When eating it definitely sounds like whomph bat batbat. The pleading of the beast sounded like stereo high pitched whine on top of a deep resonant slow motion chortle of a dreaming bear...again a bigger bump and I stumbled backwards and the mushrooms were gone.   Damn that was enough for a month. That two foot schnoze was now flaring its nostrils that could swallow my arm. It suddenly took a rather rude sniff that vacuumed a sensitive area.
In twenty minutes this Kodiak bear sized gerbil is going to be on the verge of speech, I need a trail of crumbs or a Pied Piper to get'er away from the Tavern,

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Ebbie
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 11:53 PM

Ebbie grins as the first lively strains of music waft from the tavern. This will be an orchestra to remember!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 03:36 AM

Gnome, please stop belching and breaking wind, you're making my eyes water.

Now. Mrrzy would like her whisky, and as it's on the credit card, make it a double.
My carthorse is called Cyril, and he would be happy to let you ride on his back Sandra.
If we're allowed to sing in here, I'll give you a rendition of my favourite song of the moment : Bells Of Norwich

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 03:52 AM

songs are always welcome!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 05:17 AM

That's a bit speciesist of you Eliza! Gnomes can't help it. It is how we are built :-D

Gnome looks blearily at the crowd. "Whassamatter? We need to release gasses to stop us exploding. the only alternative is fine single malt. Taken internally in great quantities and at regular intervals. Or, in the absence of fine single malt, rubbing alcohol, meths, paint thinners or anything. Trouble is I buried all my treasure and I can never find it when I go to the pub so, anyone good for a loan. Or a drink...."

:D tG

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 07:47 AM

In self-defence, old lady quickly orders a large, single malt for the windy gnome. And offers him a swig of her bottle of Gaviscon too.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 09:17 AM

the self-proclaimed old lady carries a large bag full of useful stuff ...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 09:52 AM

Blah! Not fond of that pink stuff. Got any rubbing liniment?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 10:08 AM

"Try this!" he says and tosses a garment that appears to be a cross between an adult diaper and a gas mask to the gnome. "It will also contain bodily excretions. Here, you might enjoy this cocktail of pentamethylenediamine and tetramethylenediamine -- it's nice and warm to combat the cold night."

And he goes back to blowing his own horn, using a cup mute.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 10:13 AM

Hic!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 11:15 AM

Old lady has another rummage in her huge bag and produces... a bottle of horse liniment. Pouring Gavescon down the gnome's throat and rubbing the liniment vigorously on his tum, she manages to stem the flow of noxious vapour. Rap's handy garment is then donned by said windy gnome and all heave sighs of relief.

Rap continues to play with his horn, while the laydees toast more crumpets at the fireside and have a lovely chat about carthorses, cats, diprodotons, the meaning of life and so on.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: keberoxu
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 12:59 PM

Oh, good Lord, what is the Tennessee Brat Terrier going to make of the pit of green jello?!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: JennieG
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 04:30 PM

Green jello! Yum, double yum and triple yum!! Last one in is a rotten tomato......

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: ranger1
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 05:15 PM

Beau takes one look at the jello pit, whimpers in terror, and bolts for under the darkest table in the darkest corner. Must be a compadre of Olddude.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: gnu
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 06:07 PM

In a dark corner, a man sits. Crumpled. Hovering over his ale and slowly shaking his head in a muddled manor. He motions the keep. When at the table, he mumbles to the keep, "A round of Turkey Turd Beer for the house. Tell them to raise their glasses to Spaw." He shuffles out the back door without saying a word and leaves but a few tears on the table.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 07:27 PM

sniff - glass raised ...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 09:19 PM

Gnu thought he saw through the bottom of his beer and the open door a guy running full tilt chased by a bear, when gnu put the beer down he saw an ASPCA Animal Control truck drive by. He put the beer close to his good eye and read Turkey Turd Ale 15% and pursed his lower lip in approval.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 06:24 AM

Old lady rummages once more in her huge bag and draws out...three Siamese cats. Tennessee Brat Terrier looks quite interested, but isn't sure if these are actually cats or monkeys. (Old lady isn't entirely sure either) Cats sniff at the green jelly in the pit, then wee copiously in it for good luck.

Old lady raises her glass and has a quiet moment for Spaw.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 06:45 AM

The Gnome rouses from his slumbers with a look of confusion. Realising that he appears to be in fancy dress his instincts take over and an old tradition from his native Salford springs to mind. In the rose-tinted rural world of history the Wassail is performed by Wassailers and involves supping from maple bowls and blessing apple trees. In the harsh reality of the urban concrete tower blocks the Wassail is performed by Wassailants and is far darker.

A glass is raised as a lusty voice sings out the words of the ancient rhyme

Wassail, Wassail all over the place
Give us some dosh or we'll break your face
Our clubs they are made from oak and from ash
We are the Wassailants so give us your cash

As the glass reaches his lips he discovers that a mask covers his face but before the pint of Turbott's Really Odd spills down his shirt he manages to bite a hole in the leather covering, pouring the heady brew down a parched gullet.

"What b*****d put this on me while I was asleep? Show yourself! Come here and I'll bite your knees!"

Old lady offers another shot of horse liniment which serves as a suitable peace offering.

"Mmmmm. That hit the spot. Now, did someone mention Turkey Turd beer? Reminds me of an old departed friend. Pass me a pint to better remember..."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 09:43 AM

Rap started some syncopation on his horn to a Re: in car Nation song when a guy in a green hat&uniform walked over to the bar and announced "We got him, Ee's tied up in the truck!"

Every level of dialog was frozen when Sandy yelled out "That animal is not just endangered IT"s EXSTINCT!!

"No maam" said the guy with a green hat and ASPCA patch. "we caught the perp. Someone called in a animal poisoning incident anwe gottem."
(music starts back up with more joining in.)

Sandy added, "oh that's different, nevermind" " Thank goodness " Senufou said.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 09:57 AM

Green hat Joe tried to speak over the music "Does anybody know him?
"Not me", me neither, "I do, er no I guess not"

"anybody at all" then Joe turned and walked out.
The gnome said under his breath -gud riddance.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 01:18 PM

(less grumpily, draining the steaming mug) OK, so, where's them pipes?

(FYI Eliza, we always pronounced it SenouFO, so I thought your name was punny!)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 01:23 PM

Pipes? Did someone mention pipes? I'll take one full of a good rich shag...

Hic.

Zzzzzz.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 01:30 PM

Yes Mrrzy it is Senoufo, but I always put 'u' on the end to make it 'fou' (as in mad) My husband's father is called Noufou, from Nafamadougou. He calls his dad 'Noufou le fou de Nafamadougou'. Every other word in Malinke seems to end in 'ou'!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 02:40 PM

(tilting slightly - haven't noticed it was a double yet) (thinking I'm sitting up more straightly, loosening the outermost layer) (I peer through the haze trying to locate the source of that smell... that smell!)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 04:32 PM

"O, you," he thinks. And his mind drifts back to one Spring night when he held up a coach on the King's Highway and the fair young lady who he relieved of her baubles and....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 08:19 PM

Hours had passed and the novice drinkers were zombie eyed but adding the right notes now and the. Frequent drinkers drove the rhythm and song selections and the really frequent drinkers stole the show with antics like singing different songs combined on top of other folk song and surprising high notes. Slowly the volume came down as the animal control panel truck backed up to the front doors and flung open tits doors. A dozen bird cages surrounded a giant wombat and donuel walked forward from the shadows as the tavern fell totally Silent.

Ladies and gentlemen, Joe was assured our gentle giant was fine and helped me out with all these Myna birds which are here to regale you in three part Harmony. Like a conductor he hummed to the wombat and tapped the wombats nose when a deep bass ostinato sounded and when tapped twice dropped down a fourth and back up again, Joe was moving to the first cages and he hummed a tune and the Cockatoos began a simple tune. Again and again he cued the other cages in time.

What emerged was Beethoven's 2nd Movement of Symphony number 7. Shaw sreeamed Oh MY GGAWD! HOLY SHIT


And now' This band is your band' followed by the Christmas song!
A novice drinker puked into the jello pit and...while Rap...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 23 Dec 16 - 04:41 AM

Old lady, made merry by the Adnam's ale, starts performing a jig (think Riverdance) while Siamese cats sidle seductively up to Brat Terrier with a view to weeing on him later.
The pit of jelly is beginning to change colour. Mrrzy regards it apprehensively, being careful not to fall in in her wobbly state.
Donuel rummages in his pocket for some more LSD so he can continue the interesting psychedelic vision of singing birds and Beethoven.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Dec 16 - 04:51 AM

The room falls silent as the Welsh songstress arrives to get this party started.

Gnome sucks in his overhanging belly, straightens his back and mutters something about it just going to show that us old folk need not let ourselves go...

:D

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 23 Dec 16 - 06:11 AM

Old lady likes Shirley singing James Bond songs, but really adores Pink's version of this one. (She loves Pink)
Where IS everybody eh? Do you think they'll be along later?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Dec 16 - 07:50 AM

Senofou slow down you are missing the double and triple entendre, a temperance argument would have broken out the food was finally ready., It smelled amazing.
It was

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Dec 16 - 07:59 AM

it was Joe the bird trainer from animal control pushing a huge cart of spicy delicious

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Dec 16 - 08:52 AM

Tentacles -- large, very large, and with suckers the size of automobile tires (tyres to some) -- slips from the jello pool and snags the brat terries, two cats, and a drum of Midleton Barry Crockett Irish whiskey. With a "blurp" they disappear into the jello.

Squiddy is back!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Dec 16 - 09:19 AM

mmmm the equivalent of road kill but high in protein.

Ya know the nervous system of tentacles feature independent ontrol.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Dec 16 - 09:24 AM

(I knew something smelled amazing! And I think I got a double in that last shot... whee, another outer layer can come off!)

Squiddy! Merry Midwinter, you old reprobate! Barkeep, how much liquor is in that jello already?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Dec 16 - 09:29 AM

Gnome eyes the squid and his eyes light up as he asks

"Is that the sick squid that you owe me?"

Then rolls about laughing. He has been waiting years for that to happen...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Dec 16 - 12:19 PM

Good calamari , not too chewy but what is it about this place that presents local gigantism in one day. Donuel feels a stirring in his pocket WTF

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Severn
Date: 23 Dec 16 - 03:54 PM

Severn finally arrives and asks the alligator behind the bar for a cup of coffee.

"We're our of skim, sir"

"Well, no use crying over split milk.", sighs Severn. "Cream will do. Is this the good Columbian?"

"No, but the weed is!", slurs a voice from the corner.

"Juan Valdez is as good as the next in a pinch. It's colder than a Republican's heart out there! Thank God you're just a regular publican" Severn tells the gator. "It's awful quiet around here. Where are the Squidlets?"......

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Dec 16 - 04:13 PM

Mrrzy removes another layer, picks up the next hot whiskey and an extra one, and ambles over to the corner...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Dec 16 - 06:04 PM

Mrrzy - Is this the dance of the seven layers?

:D

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Severn
Date: 23 Dec 16 - 07:34 PM

Severn at the bar tells Mmario. "The usual. Auroch On Roll and hold the poppy seeds"

"I always get stuck holding the poppy seeds." grumbles Mmario.

Having arrived late, Severn looks around to see what strange animals are about. There's usually a few each year, and most always, a giant something, as squids, a caterpillar, a moth, a whale and a few others have visited, with Squiddy becoming a full fledged member of the gang having settled into living in the Jello pit and after many years of falling in love with and chasing females of various sorts and species (Liz The Squeak, Nurse Ratched, a giant caterpillar and others), had finally settled down with a female squid and were raising a whole bunch of squidlets. Squiddy seems to be holding four or five toddies in his tentacles and seems to be ready to party. Severn does not see the rest of the family yet and seeing that the huge Christmas tree does not have everyone's belongings hanging from it as of yet, wonders where the rascals all are.

He does hear three black birds singing in a mynah key, but nothing giant yet, when both the aliigator and Mmario on the other side of the bar start giggling and pointing behind him and Severn turns around on his barstool and immediately gets nose tweaked by the giant wombat and his hat pulled down over his face.

"Assault and wombattery!" he sputters.

"I think she likes him" laughed. Sandra.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Dec 16 - 08:43 PM

Oh, I had way more than 7 layers on - it's COLD outside. So far, I've taken off the cloak, the lumberjacket and the overshirt off...

Anybody see the platypus?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Severn
Date: 24 Dec 16 - 09:40 AM

A strange vehicle pulls up with its driver standing in a large fish tank. It's none other than Ethel MyrrhrMaid herself, resupplying us with more Myrrh, as we were fast running out. I think either someone's trying to smoke it or feed it to the horses, because it went rather fast, some of it heading out to the stables, but anyway, we're getting another load, straight from the source.....

The line to the loo is backed up, so I figure Liz The Squeak will emerge eventually.....

Mmario brings Severn his Auroch-On-Roll sandwich, meduim extinct, the way he likes it...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Dec 16 - 10:29 AM

And finishing his horn solo, he returns to the baragator and politely asks, "Landlord! Fill 'er up agin! With that Balbair you keep for yourself! And do it quick!"

He draws his horse pistol, intending to shoot into the ceiling to make his point, and the baragator bites it in half.

"Ah," he says. "The laser of the two evils," and throws the remains away. Drawing his rapier, the baragator bites that in half as well.

"So," he responds meekly, "What's the good sword, barkeep?"

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Dec 16 - 11:58 AM

Ethyl starts her aqua truck and an impenetrable fog came out the exhaust. I yell I think you've blown a seal and Ethyl says just leave my private life out of it and help me fix the damn thing. Ethyl drops a few squid from her perch and says I need a 6 inch manifold ring and please herring. Its to late for Walleye Mart but one from Marlin at home is a possibility.

Back in the bar Mrzzy was arguing with the barrater and he is saying she was drunk as a fi...,was too drunk to take over the sand bar.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Dec 16 - 01:35 PM

I am NOT a "she" huffs (but does not puff) Mrrzy. But no, I canna do the sand bar right now. And goes back to the corner to puff some more...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Ebbie
Date: 24 Dec 16 - 06:31 PM

Hearing a liquidy commotion from inside the tavern, Ebbie takes long strides to the back door. Little does anyone know that she is a frequent visitor to the scene and in fact, long ago took it upon herself to keep a stock of cuttlefish and clams on hand to keep the squid happy and well fed. Humph. It always amazes her that anyone might think that a squid can go for a year without eating.

She reaches into the murky pool and fishes out several lumpy green objects: a brat terrier and four cats. They are bedraggled and angry but well enough for all that. The Brat goes off running across the floor but the cats take to cleaning and preening. With the other hand, Eb grabs a handful of assorted shellfish and tosses them to the waiting and eager tentacles.

Then Ebbie does a double take. FOUR cats?. One of the cats is distinctly different from the others- in fact, it appears it may not be a cat at all.

Ebbie shouts: Anyone lose this thing?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: keberoxu
Date: 24 Dec 16 - 08:46 PM

Ebbie to the rescue! You go, Beau.
Initiation at the Tavern. Poor lamb.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: ranger1
Date: 25 Dec 16 - 12:08 PM

Beau, having gone out for a roll in the snow to clean the slime off his fur, goes dashing back to the pit, dives in and emerges with a severed tentacle in his teeth. He heads for the back of the Tavern, savagely shaking the tentacle and getting goo everywhere.

The Little Ranger wanders over to the pit and reminds the Squid that terriers are not to be trifled with, and perhaps it might want to think twice about harassing Siamese cats, as they prefer to serve revenge cold.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Dec 16 - 09:21 PM

The tools of his trade bitten in halves by the baragator, he sidles to the middle of the room. Taking a position immediately below the gaping hole, he removes from this satchel a series of cylindrical cylinders, each with a red or green string sticking out from the bottom. No one notices, or if they do they think nothing of it as everyone else is watching the terrier.

Lighting a massive cigar, he applies the ember tip to the string. Suddenly the place is filled with various exploding fireworks. His aim was off and every one of the pyrotechnics missed the hole in the roof!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: gnu
Date: 26 Dec 16 - 12:40 PM

Senoufou... this one? Me too.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 26 Dec 16 - 01:01 PM

Siamese cats are busy serving revenge cold on Squiddy (ie weeing on him)
Old lady has had a nice nap and is now trying to click on gnu's link. But it says 'not allowed for your country'. However, it's evidently of Pink singing 'I'm Coming Up'. She really loves that version.
Beau the Brat Terrier is resting his head on her knee; lovely creature.
This year, patrons of the Tavern seem a bit thin on the ground...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Dec 16 - 02:46 PM

"It's that dag-slab Temperance Movement!" he exclaims. "Only the REAL 'catters show up! Now, I remember one time when Spaw..." and drifts off to sleep amid the carnage of the fireworks.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: keberoxu
Date: 26 Dec 16 - 06:55 PM

Who belongs to Ebbie's Thing from the jello pit?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Dec 16 - 07:50 PM

Ebbie. It's her pet.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: keberoxu
Date: 26 Dec 16 - 08:22 PM

No, Rap, Ebbie's domain is the stables, not the jello pit. Unless somebody/something wandered from the stables into the pit where it is not supposed to be. Maybe it is whatever keeps the stables varmint-free.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: keberoxu
Date: 26 Dec 16 - 08:24 PM

Could it be a mongoose?
Anybody know any songs about the mongoose? I don't even recall Flanders & Swann writing one, although they wrote about the three-toed sloth.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: keberoxu
Date: 26 Dec 16 - 09:20 PM

Sly Mongoose

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Dec 16 - 09:59 PM

Didn't he have a group? Sly and the Family Mongoose?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: JennieG
Date: 27 Dec 16 - 04:24 AM

I thought that was the well-known group The Goose and Mon Sly Family......didn't they record in a pit of green jello?

The slurping sounds have to be heard to be believed.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Dec 16 - 10:09 AM

Like falling asleep at four PM and waking not knowing what day or night it is, Rapaire was still emerging from visits from the spirits of Mudcat past and future without knowing of the Mall riots and Mudcat arguments that emerged while he was asleep. As Rap's dance of sugar thumb fairies faded from dreamland he noticed his Mossberg was not in the car but by his side and evidence of a melee was all around.

He had no way of knowing of the chemical reaction of green jello with nitrogen or the fighting words he muttered before his nap. Like a fuse to a nuclear bomb the fateful words that started the mean drunk debate was REAL MUDCAT MEMBERS.

Classical musicians were vilified for always stealing folk tunes for their compositions then the protest folkies fought with the olde timey crowd and the superiority of the Irish bounced off Dylan purists who insisted a Siamese cat on your head was critical for some reason then white national folk clashed with Leadbelly blues...

No one expected a Folk music Inquisition. Joe from animal control was feeding a horse and tending to business when Rap asked, "was Amos here last night? Joe said more like 2 nights ago, now there is a real...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Dec 16 - 10:26 AM

Ah, Rikki-tikki-tavi...

Coming out of the corner, time for more whisky. Power's, hot. The saw side of the seesaw comin' up, literally and, since it now means figuratively, literally. Snicker.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Dec 16 - 10:45 AM

Sorry bout that Mrrzy but admittedly your pecs are huge. Another 10 days of Christmas, One giant Wombat, 2 Cockatoos, Three...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Dec 16 - 10:59 AM

In his dreams there is a shotgun, an H&H "Royal" side-by-side double, but even in his dreams he knows better. He stirs and touches his old, faithful, flintlock pistol. Even now, bitten through, it's what he's used and will use again on the King's Highway.

The baragator rouses him and gently helps him get outside of a hot buttered rum. "Aw-rock nerelee dun," the baragator says, and helps him to his feet. He looks around and quietly states, "This place is a mess."

From the jello pit comes an agreeing sucking sound as Squiddy eats one of the chickens.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Dec 16 - 07:43 PM

Pecs et lux, baby. Pexs et lux.

Three squiggly squidlets
Four...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Dec 16 - 08:32 PM

Four shots of whiskey
Five old time Kings

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Dec 16 - 08:54 AM

Six 'cats a-meowlin'
Seven banjoes howlin'...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Severn
Date: 28 Dec 16 - 11:22 PM

Uh, oh! The terrier picks up a Black and Decker weapon of choice from a toolbox and starts back toward the jello pit humming "Drill Ye Terriers, Drill"......

Does anybody even know the plural of "Mongoose"?....

The birds have stopped singing when they find out they're not getting paid. They walk off to a corner to huddle and talk and plot their revenge, singing "Union Mynah's Stand Together". Some drunken Old Left fool, thinking it's all part of the act, calls out a request for "The Internationale" but is ignored......

Not likibg it that the music has stopped and since one of the back doors of the Tavern, as used in past years, leads to a bright sunny beach. Ethel Myrrhmaid goes out toward the reef to practice some carols with her coral group, while out at the edge, the sponges watch from the porifera, absorbing it all.....

As she goes out, Ma Squid and a number of squidlings reenter the building.....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Ebbie
Date: 29 Dec 16 - 02:26 AM

Ebbie sits in the corner and sulks.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Senoufou
Date: 29 Dec 16 - 03:09 AM

Old lady laughs at all Severn's puns, then goes to sit with Ebbie, offering her yet another buttered crumpet and a nice cup of tea. Whisky is all very well, but nothing beats a nice cup of tea.
The Union of Mynahs then marches out with their banners, followed by old lady who is heading for the chorale beach, where she dons her low-cut bikini (not atoll too small for her) and relaxes in the warm sun, with the three Siamese cats.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Dec 16 - 08:17 AM

I might go out there and take off my remaining layer... any sour widow or whatever out there?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: frogprince
Date: 29 Dec 16 - 03:17 PM

At which point a weathered looking old frog hops in. "I was hoping to make it here a bit sooner", he notes, "but I had to hop to Minnesota and back first. I was especially hoping to meet Mrrzy in person; did someone say she was going out to the beach to skinny dip? which way did she go?

Mrzzy isn't what ? But I aways assumed...

          ...never mind...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Dec 16 - 03:56 PM

Unknown to everyone: Severn broke into Rap, has a new stage name Sir Pun Zeal, had minor plastic surgery and has completely made his songs and performance computer generated. He picked up some very cheap land near Bimini and sleeps in a bed of cash.

Support the Mynah Union.
I am for the birds.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: keberoxu
Date: 29 Dec 16 - 04:12 PM

I'm sorry, Ebbie, I never meant to hurt your feelings. Honest. I just thought you could use a bit of help with the unidentified swimmer from the jello pit. Especially with everybody watching the Tennessee Brat Terrier. I apologize for making you sulk.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Severn
Date: 29 Dec 16 - 05:05 PM

The mynah birds reemerge and finding three strategic perches in the more crowded paert of the Tavern, just quietly sit and listen......

The terrier does a test press on the drill's trigger and finds it to be missing batteries and lays it aside. Admitting defeat the dog grabs a terrier cloth robe and towel and heads for the beach, passing Ethel Myrrhmaid returning, croaking as to how she's lost her singing voice completely.
    She goes to consult with Severn "Doc" Savage, a man of both bronze and brainz. Severn tells her to say, "Aaaah" and shines a pocket flashlight down her throat.
    "My voice was in fine shape when I went out to the reef," she rasps.
    Severn puts his chin in his hand and goes "Hmmmmm...." in true doctorly fashion and tells her, "I'm afraid you have polyps in your throat."
    "Does anyone know of a good cure?", Ethel says as loud as she can manage.
    "Hickory Smoke has always worked well for me." says Mmario from back at the stove. "You could go down to Virginia and take the Smithfield Cure.".......

The bats swoop down from the Belfry to try to figure out what a Wombat is.....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 29 Dec 16 - 05:36 PM

giant wombat in La La Land

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Dec 16 - 08:47 PM

Well, I'm not sure it's exactly *skinny* dipping....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Ebbie
Date: 29 Dec 16 - 08:57 PM

keberoxu, Ebbie isn't quite sure why she is sulking but AH! she is quite all right now since Froggie has arrived. Surely he hasn't used only his own legs? She will run to the stables forthwith.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Severn
Date: 29 Dec 16 - 09:30 PM

The alligator reaches down under the bat in a special place among the Cajun spices he brings up every year from Chef Michael Rodebodecheaux for some of the secret ingredients obtained from a local conjure man he saves for an emergency and mixes up a unique drink containing some Hoodoo charms and powders that are not to be revealed to all but the initiated and says lapsing into more of a Louisiana accent then he had been speaking in previously, "Bring the Fish Lady ovuh heah now. I have just de stuff. You come swallah some uh dis now, Ma'am."

She takes the glass of a purlple potion fizzing strangely, closes her eyes and downs most of it in one swallow and loudly yells "HOOOOO WHEEEEE!" She starts singing a bit of "Some Enchanted Evening" to test her voice out and exclaims, "I can SI-I-I-ING again!" and gives the alligator a great big wet sloppy kiss.

"Now y'all keep quiet 'bout dis." says the gator.......

The curious Giant Wombat, who up until now had uttered noises only intelligible to other Wombats picks up the glass, swallows what little is left, and breaks out into a lovely rendition of "Waltzing Matilda".......

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 30 Dec 16 - 02:24 AM

a much better version than that our illustrious ex-Prime Minister Bob Hawke did at the Woodford Folk Festival yesterday

But the wombat would not be at the Tavern unless it was musical

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Dec 16 - 02:48 PM

Does one shuck layers back on? I wonder, heading back in for some squiddly squishy hugs, with whiskies, um, whiskers...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Dec 16 - 02:56 PM

tHE WOMBAT SANG THE bass ostinato in the Beethoven symphony.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 Dec 16 - 11:59 AM

Time for the toasts! Cries Mrrzy, hoisting another hot whiskey, moustachioed with cream. Here's to what we ditched on purpose this year, in contrast to all we lost in our despite!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 17 - 11:33 AM

Okay, he thinks. Everyone is sleeping it off. Oh, look a Squiddy and the kids, cuddling up to everyone and leaving hickies! That's going to make for some who-did-what-to-whom conversations when they wake up.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Jan 17 - 02:56 PM

Jocularity, jocularity! mumbles the Joxter, there for no good reason.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jan 17 - 02:00 PM

As he stands holding his joxter strap.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Jan 17 - 03:11 PM

(I couldn't remember the name of the sad one, the Eeyore of the valley.)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jan 17 - 03:45 PM

Having not sung the whole time donuel sucked in a breath sufficient for a 700 hp Mustang



"Here they come to save the day
Someone else is on the way

By night or by day It means that
someone else is here to stay

Mr. Online never hangs around,
when he hears this scary sound,

Here I come to save the day!
That means that someone else is on the way!

Yes sir, when there is a wrong to right,
Some one will join the fight!

On the sea or on the land,
They have the situation well in hand!

We know that when there's danger, we'll never despair;
Because we know despite danger someone is there...
On the land on the sea in the air.

We're not worrying at all
We just listen for their call
"Here we come to save the day!"
That means that someone else is on the way.

When there is a wrong to right,
someone else will join the fight
"Here I come to save the day!"
That means that Someone else is on the way! "



Despite embarrassed at the counter tenor operatic delivery, donuel slunk back to sitting against the wall.


Someone else started the song "you gotta down and join the Union, Ya gotta go down all by yourself...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: keberoxu
Date: 03 Jan 17 - 01:19 PM

bye bye, 2016 Christmas installment of the Mudcat Tavern.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Jan 17 - 03:26 PM

(shuffling off in all my layers) toodles, a l'an prochain!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: JennieG
Date: 03 Jan 17 - 05:22 PM

And so, as the sun slowly fades in the west, we bid farewell to the denizens of the Tavern for another turn of the sun.

Better shut the door quickly, I hear a squidlet stirring......

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 03 Jan 17 - 06:49 PM

sandra & the wombat resume their travels ...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jan 17 - 07:24 PM

Quietly he walks out, turns, surveys the not inconsiderable damage, sighs, and closes the door. "Until next time," he thinks.

Entering the stable he saddles his rusty tweed...er, trusty steed...and like all great heroes, gallops off into the sunset.

Back in the jello pit, Squiddy hears a faint "Hi-Ho, Gadolinium, AWAY!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Severn
Date: 03 Jan 17 - 07:36 PM

Until next holiday! It was nice meeting a real Giant Wombat and meeting up with Ethel again.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 04 Jan 17 - 04:07 AM

when I said sandra & the wombat resume their travels, I didn't mean they would necessarily travel together.

sandra was looking for cooler weather than currently found in hot humid summery sydney, the wombat is a traveller from another time, & their paths crossed somewhere in that strange space-time outside The Tavern ...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016
From: gnu
Date: 04 Jan 17 - 06:30 PM

YAAAAAWWWWNNN. Mmmph. What? Did I miss it? Oh well, maybe next year. 16 wasn't a good year for me. Hope you guys had a good party. Catch ya on the flip side, eh?