The alternatve Wassail...

Subject: The alternatve Wassail...
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 04:49 PM

I have mentioned this a couple of times in other threads before but the more I think about it, the more it should get a thread of its own.

This time of year we see and hear a lot about the Wassail. It seems to be our American cousins who keep the tradition more than we do in the UK but maybe that is just because I have never come across it in the area from which I hail - IE urban Manchester. I came up with the idea that the Wassail tradition that is celebrated now is one that has been recreated from the rose tinted spectacles of rural history. In many years to come I reckon that the urban Wassail will be recreated from the activities more commonly associated with the inner cities.

Stemming from Salford and Manchester the participants will not be Wassailers but Wassailants. Where in one old tradition apple trees were beaten with sticks to ensure a good crop and in another houses were visited to gain gifts, the urban tradition combines the two and the people in houses are beaten with sticks to gain gifts instead.

There is a traditional Wassailant garb of course, comprising of Nike hoodies, with the hoods firmly up, scarves across the lower face for anonymity and Adidas sweat pants with both hands tucked firmly down the front.

There has to be a calling on song and, after the first couple of attempts, I think I have discovered the one which scans best

Wassail, Wassail all over the place
Hand over your money or we'll break your face
Our clubs they are made of fine oak and ash
We're jolly Wassailants so give us your cash

Once the audience have had all the money beaten out of them the Wassailants leave with the traditional dance. This comprises of the players being chased by a fearsome creature known as 'Old Bill', in his blue suit and blowing a two-tone horn while the Wassailants skip and frolic merrily away pausing occasionally to give the friendly two fingered wave of adieu.

Have I missed anything?

:D tG

Subject: RE: The alternatve Wassail...
From: keberoxu
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 04:52 PM

oooh, lawn ornament, this is DARK.

Subject: RE: The alternatve Wassail...
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 04:55 PM

One tries one's best.

Thank you :-)

Subject: RE: The alternatve Wassail...
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 05:04 PM

Doing a bit more research and I have even found a painting of a group of Wassailants in traditional garb!

Click and scroll down a little :-)

We can now surmise that the number in a traditional Wassailant team is 8!

:D

Subject: RE: The alternatve Wassail...
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 07:25 PM

You are pretty pathetic....

You have a well established region in the "lower kingdom".

What in all of Mr. Siegel' s expansive opportunity makes you want to spew...Up Here? IN The upper area?

Sincerly,
Gargoyle

The "curse be upon you.

Subject: RE: The alternatve Wassail...
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Dec 16 - 02:31 AM

Not up to me or thee owd lad. If the team want to move it downstairs they are free to do so but surely parody is as valid a folk art as any other?

Sincerely
DtG
Up yours

Subject: RE: The alternatve Wassail...
From: GUEST,Mark Bluemel
Date: 23 Dec 16 - 03:10 PM

DtG you are Rambling Syd for our age.

Subject: RE: The alternatve Wassail...
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Dec 16 - 06:02 PM

Thank you, Mark. I could not wish for a better compliment, I have a set of Rambling Sid tapes that I must digitise some day :-)

Cheers

DtG

Subject: RE: The alternatve Wassail...
From: Acorn4
Date: 24 Dec 16 - 03:23 PM

The Essex Wassail
1.Come all ye bold tosspots for' tis the New Year,
Pray weld on your baseball caps- and designer gear,
We'll go a binge drinking with language most foul,
Like rabid rotweilers through the streets of your town.

2. Happiness is a widescreen, if yer know warra mean,
We all love 'X Factor' and 'Pirates of the Caribbeen'.
So to celebrate good taste and with customary grace
We'll give you a knucklebutty or a glass in the face.

Chorus

Wassail, Wassail, from Essex we hail,
We'll drink gnatspiss lager and watch Jeremy Kyle, innit!
And like that used condom that floats in the loo,
We'll flush out the old year and welcome the new!

3. From the taxis they tumble, those birds of a kind,
Call each other "baybs" as they eff and they blind,
Some they will pewk up and some later may score,
And some will call each other effin slags as they roll around the floor.

4. Now some will present the most wond'rous of sights,
As vast tattooed flab spills from dresses too tight,
Though their gobs they are mighty, their braincells are few,
As they paint the town red while they turn the air blue

Chorus: Wassail, wassail

5. We're on a hair trigger, blue lights, broken glass,
As we stagger on like lemmings from bar unto bar,
In the doorways we'll copulate, with gruntsw and with groans,
And celebrate with a selfie on our mobile phones

Chorus: Wassail, wassail

Now Christmas is passed, it's time to kick arse,
To the sound of rap music played out at full blast,
Toast the genius of Katie Price while we're in the toilet queue,
So let's tweet this Essex Wassail the whole nation through.

Wassail...

Subject: RE: The alternatve Wassail...
From: JHW
Date: 25 Dec 16 - 12:10 PM

Wor Sale starts Boxing Day

Subject: Lyrics Add:Ring Out the Old
From: FreddyHeadey
Date: 09 Jan 17 - 06:14 AM

Written as a poem but this, written for 2017, fits pretty well to the Gloucestershire tune.

Ring Out the Old - doggerelbanksy (Phil Poster)

It's time to ring out the Old, ring in the New,
bring out the tissues and handkerchiefs too.
Time to reflect whilst there's time for a brew.
Start wringin' your hands. The World's sadly askew.

Form a tight circle. Form an orderly queue.
Ring all your friends and tell them it's true.
Here comes the comeuppance we're long overdue
with bastards aplenty, good people, too few.

Our worst fears incarnate. We all along knew
that warthogs and snakes would take over the zoo.
It's everyone's fault. That includes me and you,
but the solution? I'm sorry we haven't a clue.

We need to discover society's glue.
We're hung out to dry if all hope we eschew.
Ring out the Old? Let Past slip out of view?
Ring in the New. Wringin' hands just won't do.


https://doggerelbanksy.wordpress.com/2016/12/31/ring-out-the-old/

Subject: RE: The alternatve Wassail...
From: FreddyHeadey
Date: 09 Jan 17 - 06:18 AM

typo! 'Phil Poster' = Phil Poyser

Subject: RE: The alternatve Wassail...
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Jan 17 - 06:20 AM

Glad to see that the tradition is being updated in other parts of the country too

:D tG