Being True to Oneself

Subject: Being True to Oneself
From: bbelle
Date: 21 May 00 - 04:16 PM

This thread is an offshoot of the "Most Difficult Song You've Tackled" thread so as to not diminish that thread.

Bonnie ... not to wax maudlin ... but you must be true to yourself and it looks like you are on the right path to doing just that. In the grand scheme of things ... that is ultimately all that is important. What you try to be to others, will make not a whit of difference in the end. I mention my father in many of my posts ... because I spent the first 40 years of my life trying to prove my value to him. When I quit the music business, I ceased to matter in his eyes. It took a traumatic period in my life to realize whatever I did to make myself look worthy in his eyes, was never going to be enough, anyway. So you find that "healthier" place, from whence to draw your goals and you move on.

Have fun learning to play the banjo ... you have a wonderful teacher ... set your priorities ... push a little ... love a lot ...

Jenny

Subject: RE: Being True to Oneself
From: Little Neophyte
Date: 21 May 00 - 04:31 PM

Wow, thanks Jenny
A whole self-worth thread set up just for me.
Maybe I should just write out 100 times on this posting, Just Be Myself, Just Be Myself, maybe that would be a good thing to do?
All kidding aside, it has been on of my biggest issue. I have even found myself falling into the trap of trying to seek Rick's approval. When I do that, I try to catch myself, talking about it and letting it go.
I do have a wonderful teacher, don't I Jenny.
He is the best and I need do nothing more than just have fun learning and see where it all takes me, right?

Little Neo

Subject: RE: Being True to Oneself
From: bbelle
Date: 21 May 00 - 05:43 PM

Bonnie ... approval and playing music go hand-in-hand. Even the best seek approval. The trick is to avoid being hurt when the approval is not forthcoming.

Here's another story about my father ... I started playing and singing again last year, really after I met harpgirl and she started hammering me to play and sing. I was in 7th heaven ... doing, again, what I love so dearly. I was telling my father and he said, without skipping a beat, you need to learn country songs. I said "Daddy ... I don't sing country music." His reply was "Well, then, I don't want to hear it and neither will anyone else." I was crushed and had to spend time out of my life regrouping.

Your teacher says you are a banjo player!! Not a "just beginning to learn" banjo player, but a banjo player. What a vote of confidence. I'd give anything to have my father say that.

Now ... all you gotta do is put it together with your voice and you got an act!!!!!! But don't let catspaw being your manager ... he'll be billing you as "Banjo Bonamie - The Amazing Nekkid Banjo Player."

Jenny

Subject: RE: Being True to Oneself
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 21 May 00 - 05:44 PM

I look around at people doing horrible things to each other, and sometimes wonder if they are "being true to themself". I think often they'd say they were - "Got to look after Number One", "Have to do your own thing" etc.

I don't actually think that is what being true to yourself means. I think it means finding out what sort of a decent person you are meant to be, and sticking to that, and not trying to be some other kind of decent person that you aren't meant to be.

Applied in musical terms that means, not just making a random racket for the sake of it, and for the sake of getting noticed, or spending all your effort trying to copy someone else, but rather finding what sort of music you have it in you to make, and working at that.

Subject: RE: Being True to Oneself
From: bbelle
Date: 21 May 00 - 05:49 PM

McGrath ... I think you're "spot on." Jenny

Subject: RE: Being True to Oneself
From: katlaughing
Date: 21 May 00 - 06:26 PM

I have heard some of Bonnie's own compositions, played by her on banjo and can tell you she is one wonderful and beautiful musician. You can hear her soul in her playing and it sounds to me as though she is very true to herself when making music, especially her own.

And, as far as Rick goes, she doesn't need to impress him, but she has, which is a testament to them both. 'd give anything to take a few lessons with him!

Jenny, the many years of struggle you write of looking for your dad's approval reminds me very much of what I went through with my brother. A friend once told me no matter what I did as his manager for his music, it would never be enough. I would never satisfy him. She was right.

It is still a struggle at times, but I am getting much stronger at letting it go and rediscovering my own musical talents and sharing them with Mudcatters has been a big part of my healing. Thanks for starting this thread.

luvya'llkat

Subject: RE: Being True to Oneself
From: Kelida
Date: 21 May 00 - 09:21 PM

"To be true to oneself is all that can be truly asked of anyone."

Peace--Keli

Subject: RE: Being True to Oneself
From: Sorcha
Date: 22 May 00 - 01:26 AM

Reminds me of my brother, nothing he ever did was "right" for Dad. Dad was a Real Cowboy, so bubba tried rodeo. Dad said that was stupid, you'll just hurt yourself, and he did. Dad was SignalCorps/UndercoverCop, so bubba tried police work. Dad said that was stupid, you are not cut out to be a cop, etc. Dad died in 89, and bubba still has problems resolving what his Daddy wanted from him. I did not have quite so many problems, as I was the oldest, and a girl. I was just not supposed to "hurt" him. I did, but he did finally get over it, I think. Because I had his Grand-babies.........Nobody is perfect, and nobody can ever satisfy anyone else's desires.

Subject: RE: Being True to Oneself
From: wysiwyg
Date: 22 May 00 - 02:28 PM

Subject: RE: Being True to Oneself
From: catspaw49
Date: 22 May 00 - 02:53 PM

Perhaps it was easier for me as my parents died early on. And maybe it was because, although their approval was important to me, they both forced me from a young age to be my own worst critic. Maybe they were so secure and true to themselves, that to be otherwise would have been unthinkable. Whatever caused it, I owe a great deal to my parents and when I hear many of the stories of others, I'm always amazed at how well they have adjusted and what strength they must have.

When Karen and I decided to have kids, I was ambivalent. I valued my parents ability to parent and their advice as I grew up......and I wanted to hear their advice, their reassurance, those voices again, just once more. Its hard for me to believe that I am older than either of them ever got to be. Hope I'm doing as well as they did as a parent.

Spaw

Subject: RE: Being True to Oneself
From: Peter T.
Date: 22 May 00 - 02:56 PM

I think one of the easiest ways to be true to oneself in almost anything is to give up being true to oneself and try and be true to the craft or the subject. Almost any real craft -- like music -- has a very long tradition which, if you approach it correctly, teaches you all kind of lessons and there are things about it that just demand you pay attention to what it wants, what it is asking of you. This seems to turn you truer. The materials or the history or the intuitive requirements of the craft just will not let you self-indulge, but can, over a long time, give you space to contribute to its furtherance. And, lo and behold, you end up finding that you have a different oneself than you started with. Contributing to its furtherance, furthers your own. Why this is, who knows. The relationship between a real craft and the development of the person is far more subtle than the usual "be true to oneself" rhetoric. In the end it has something to do with the old line about a violin maker not just being in the business of making better violins, but in making a better violin maker. At the bottom, for some mysterious Taoist reason, respecting and learning to work in something else's integrity builds your own. Probably because integrity of that sort is indivisible: they join underground. At least that is my experience in fields outside of music.

yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: Being True to Oneself
From: Ringer
Date: 22 May 00 - 03:06 PM

Praise, are you having difficulties? I've just opened 3 threads and in each one you've left a blank post. Since your "medical" posting, I've been concerned. Are you OK?

Subject: RE: Being True to Oneself
From: catspaw49
Date: 22 May 00 - 03:44 PM

I think she's being true to herself and saying that she has nothing to say.

Spaw

Subject: RE: Being True to Oneself
From: Little Neophyte
Date: 22 May 00 - 03:56 PM

Peter T., you make a good point
It reminds me that I will get much further with this issue if I just keep picking my banjo rather than picking my navel.
Oh, I mean navel gazing.

Little Neo

Subject: RE: Being True to Oneself
From: catspaw49
Date: 22 May 00 - 04:00 PM

I'm into naval architecture BonnAmie.......Put on some white socks and pull up your blouse.

Spaw

Subject: RE: Being True to Oneself
From: Amos
Date: 22 May 00 - 04:45 PM

Being focused on the acquisition of skills and art, as Peter describes, does not imply abandoning being true to oneself. It is best done BECAUSE you are being true to yourself, and this is the path that that leads you to.

A lot of the confusion on this issue stems from the unanswered question of what a 'self' really is, or rather, which of the many pieces one gets wrapped up in and claims as part of selfhood are not in fact anything to do with the genuine central viewpoint that is the true self.

"That's the way I was drawn" works for cartoons, but real people have to step up a little closer to the heart of things and discover who they really are after they've put down all their suitcases and diaper bags.

A

Subject: RE: Being True to Oneself
From: Little Neophyte
Date: 22 May 00 - 05:47 PM

I love it Amos
This one I will cherish
Dump the suitcases and the diaper bag and only carry a light heart.

Little Neo

Subject: RE: Being True to Oneself
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 22 May 00 - 08:09 PM

This above all: to thine own self be true
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Polonius in Hamlet, giving his parting advice to his son. He's a sententious and pompous old bugger, but I think most of what he says here is pretty sensible. (But then I'm a sententious and pompous old bugger myself sometimes...)