Song Challenge! Part 47

Subject: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: Áine
Date: 23 Dec 00 - 09:04 AM

Sorry this Christmas Challenge! is so late, dear Challenge!rs; but, I've been busy with all the holiday stuff and the return from university of my big fella (a/k/a No. 1 Son). This Challenge! idea is from our own dear Bert, and it's a doozy! Have fun and enjoy!

-- Áine

(P.S. Don't worry, the Golden Cow Chips for Challenge! Part 46 will be given out later today when I return from the mall (aaaarrrrgggghhhh))

Giving Frosty The Cold Shoulder

THE snowman is sexist, out of date and should make way for snow-women, an academic claimed yesterday. Dr Tricia Cusack, of Birmingham University, carried out a five-year study into the "cultural meanings" of snowmen. She believes that they are old-fashioned symbols of gender discrimination. She has called for snow-women to appear on Christmas cards and wrapping paper.

Writing in the cultural history periodical New Formations, Dr Cusack described snowmen as the "rotund relics of Bacchanalia". They were gluttonous and indulgent, and symbolised the grotesque with their portly appearance and carrot noses.

However, she added: "I don't want to ban snowmen or anything, let's just be a bit more imaginative - why not have a snow-woman? We need to be alert to which particular images have got currency. Why is it always male, and why is it so popular at Christmas? At least the snowman has lost his pipe as society is less geared towards promoting smoking."

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: Matt_R
Date: 23 Dec 00 - 09:49 AM

Anyone hear the Napster gem going around?

Who put the dick on the snowman?
They could have used a baseball bat or a cucumber
But they went and used a thimble as his member
So who put the dick on the snowman
And made it look just like me?

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: Dharmabum
Date: 23 Dec 00 - 10:12 AM

Here's a quick first installment.

Frosty the snowman
Is an obsolete old vet
With his corncob pipe & his carrot nose
He's politicly incorrect.

(chorus)
One day the doctor came to town
From the university
She said "this glutton's gotta go"
"And I guess it's up to me".

Now Frosty the snowperson
Is what it will be called
Neither boy nor girl in a P.C. world
Where he's got no more snowballs.

DB.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 23 Dec 00 - 12:02 PM

"They were gluttonous and indulgent, and symbolised the grotesque with their portly appearance and carrot noses. "

Actually it sounds a bit like me, though I jib somewhat at the epithet "grotesque". "A rotund relic of Bacchanalia. I like that."

And that's what Dr Cusack reckons the female snowman has got to be like as well, I take it. Seems reasonable to me. (There were female snowmen in the film version of Raymonmd Brigg's The Snowman, and very Bachanalian they looked too.)

The Lady Snowman.

She stood in the yard
at the back of our place,
So white and so cold
and so broad round the base,
She had coals for her eyes,
and a spud for a nose,
And homely and snug,
though she hadn't no clothes.
Oh lady stay with us
as long as you may,
with the snow blowing around,
and the children at play,
you are back here for Christmas,
but just for the day,
for the sun in the morning
will melt you away.

The first time we built her
I can hardly recall,
We dug in the snow,
and we built her so tall,
And when we were finished,
my Dad said, "You know,
I think she's a lady,
that we've made out of snow."
Oh lady stay with us
as long as you may,
with the snow blowing around,
and the children at play,
you are back here for Christmas,
but just for the day,
for the sun in the morning
will melt you away.

And the next day she melted,
she was gone clean away,
And my Ma said, don't worry,
she'll be back here someday,
And the very next Christmas,
well wouldn't you know,
she was back there once more,
standing there in the snow.
Oh lady stay with us
as long as you may,
with the snow blowing around,
and the children at play,
you are back here for Christmas,
but just for the day,
for the sun in the morning
will melt you away.

Well most years at Christmas,
there's no snow around,
And that means the lady
is not to be found,
But as the years pass,
and it's just now and then,
the snow comes at Christmas,
and she's there once again.
Oh lady stay with us
as long as you may,
with the snow blowing around,
and the children at play,
you are back here for Christmas,
but just for the day,
for the sun in the morning
will melt you away.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 23 Dec 00 - 12:19 PM

Slight amendment:

She stood in the yard at the back of our place, So white and so cold and so broad round the base, She had coals for her eyes, and a spud for a nose, And homely and snug, with a coat made of snow.

(Well, it seemed more respectful. And more accurate, when you think of it.)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: Clifton53
Date: 23 Dec 00 - 12:26 PM

Its wintertime its Christmas time, its time to deck the halls,
And now they tell me they must go, yes, its Frosty's balls,
Oh how can I bear it, 'tis makin' my blood boil,
To turn me 'ol pal Frosty, into a blinkin' goil.

The corncob pipe, the button nose, acceptable you see,
But make your snowman feminine, make him squat to pee
I wonder how the snowman feels, it surely must be strange
To feel the parts a'comin off, during his sex change.

So now we must change everything, the song, and pictures too

Can someone come and help me, I haven't got a clue,
Perhaps while we are at it,we'll work on other things
I would like to start it out,by changing the three Kings!

Cliffrosty

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 23 Dec 00 - 08:33 PM

Any more for the snowman?

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 24 Dec 00 - 02:50 PM

I've been playing around with this, and here's how it is now.

The Lady Snowman.

She stood in the yard
at the back of our place,
with her hat on her head
and a smile on her face,
She had coals for her eyes,
and a spud for a nose,
And so homely and snug,
in her coat made of snow.
Oh lady stay with us
as long as you may,
with the snow blowing around,
and the children at play,
you are back here for Christmas,
but just for the day,
for the sun in the morning
will melt you away.

The first time we built her
I can hardly recall,
We dug in the snow,
and we built her so tall,
And when we were finished,
my Dad said, "You know,
I think we have made us
a lady of snow."
Oh lady stay with us
as long as you may,
with the snow blowing around,
and the children at play,
you are back here for Christmas,
but just for the day,
for the sun in the morning
will melt you away.

And the next day she melted,
she was gone clean away,
And my Ma said, don't worry,
she'll be back here someday,
And the very next Christmas,
well wouldn't you know,
she was back there once more,
standing there in the snow.
Oh lady stay with us
as long as you may,
with the snow blowing around,
and the children at play,
you are back here for Christmas,
but just for the day,
for the sun in the morning
will melt you away.

Well most years at Christmas,
there's no snow around,
And that means the lady
is not to be found,
But as the years pass,
and it's just now and then,
the snow comes at Christmas,
and she's there once again.
Oh lady stay with us
as long as you may,
with the snow blowing around,
and the children at play,
you are back here for Christmas,
but just for the day,
for the sun in the morning
will melt you away.

(If any one wanted to sing this, The Cliffs of Doneen fits it well, though my tune's a bit different.)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 25 Dec 00 - 02:42 PM

Refreeze

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: Amos
Date: 25 Dec 00 - 03:27 PM

Well, I got into all kinds of trouble as an eight-year-old for making full-breasted snow-women in my front yard in Connecticut. Wasn't done, dontcha know. They were Rubinesque in their measurements, if somewhat awkward in execution. Sigh. So I see I was before my time. But isn't it kind of sexist to portray mammary beauty in statuary?

Maybe we should make Snow-oids, flat-chested alien symbols of a sort of vague, indeterminate personhood with no sex to them at all -- incarnations of pure white frozen nominal existence, gonadless and incapable of standing any heat or pressure. That ought to celebrate the spirit of Grundy! Merry merry vacuum to all! Pox on pissant puritans, anyway!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: SINSULL
Date: 25 Dec 00 - 09:50 PM

This brings to mind a scandal of epic proportions which took place on the hallowed grounds of Mt. Holyoke College last winter. The art students chose to get creative with their snowman and instead produced an 8' snow penis. Some of the locals found the anatomically correct member offensive and had the security guards knock it down. Cries of censorship and artistic freedom led to an apology in the school paper. I imagine the headline went something like this: Frozen Phallus Farce Far From Finished.
Where has this Dr. Cusack been? Children have been building anatomically correct snow men and women for decades.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: Matt_R
Date: 25 Dec 00 - 09:58 PM

Ah, us art students are a wacko bunch, ain't we? Dang, where's Claes Oldenburg when we need him!!!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 25 Dec 00 - 10:28 PM

Praise be to Heavens.....

Back in town......

And Dick's ol' place has not let me down....

WELL DONE!!!!

Laughed a hoot....and will give this the boot...to others

THANX

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: Amos
Date: 25 Dec 00 - 10:40 PM

Deck us all with balls of Cholly,
Falarlarlar, delarlar lum.
Down the dick, that student folly
Awr begar, hardihar, ho-ho-hum! Melt the awesome, gelid penis
Fardelarfardelar, rah rah rah
Let it not now come between us!
Teiraleira polly-schmeera sis boom bah!


Fie upon you, students lusty!
Snicker-wicker, petty-dicker, poo-poo-poo!
Can't you stick to vixens busty?!
Colly-woddle, molly-coddle, shoo, shoo shoo!
Shame on those, their snowballs rolling,
Umpty-fratz, marmisatz, glee, glee, glee!
Building members vast and swollen!
Unterlichen, mausen stichen, whee, whee, whee!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: SINSULL
Date: 25 Dec 00 - 11:01 PM

Sorry Aine. It appears I have hijacked your challenge. Pretty funny stuff Amos. I will pass it along to one of the ladies responsible for the artwork. Yes, Matt. It's Molly. And No I don't know where she learned the details . Maybe anatomy class.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: Matt_R
Date: 25 Dec 00 - 11:16 PM

**GASP!!!!** Molly is a naughty girl!!! Lol!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: GUEST,Bardford
Date: 26 Dec 00 - 02:53 AM

Sinsull,
Your story 'minds me of the time we built a similar, ah, structure in a city park across the street from my friend's house, where he lived with his grandmother. We were in grade nine, I think, about 14 years old. "Hey gran, look at the big dick we made of snow!", we announce, waiting for the swift condemnation." "That's nice, boys, there's some spray paint in the garage if you'ld like to paint it." She was the first person in my life who embodied the notion of art patron.
Happy Christmas,
Bardford

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: Áine
Date: 26 Dec 00 - 09:37 AM

You guys are doing great -- so far ;-) Now, which of you brave (and extremely creative) Challenge!rs are of a mind to combine the original Challenge! and Sinsull's excellent addition??? My, my, the possibilities simply astound!

It's a double-dawg dare now, compadres, so Go For It, Challenge!rs!!

I love y'all to bits, Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: GUEST,nathan tompkins
Date: 26 Dec 00 - 01:44 PM

Then there is this gem

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: Clifton53
Date: 26 Dec 00 - 05:42 PM

Let it snow

Oh the weather outside's surprisin'
But the snow beast has it risin'
Last count it was 8 feet high
My oh my, my oh my, my oh my

Straight to the sky like a tower
Such anatomical power
Take a look now don't be shy
My oh my, my oh my, my oh my.

Oh the stuffed-shirts all were fainting
But granny was thinkin' of painting
And the kids will laugh 'til they cry
My oh my, my oh my, my oh my

There's only one thing that's missin'
What if this thing starts pissin?
Stand back and guard your eye
My oh my, my oh my, my oh my

The men were feelin' rejected
But the women, they inspected
Is there really any need to ask why?
My oh my, my oh my, my oh my

So there's the winter's glory
Risin' to the second story
Take a gander in passing by
My oh my, my oh my, my oh my.

Clifton53

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: John Hardly
Date: 26 Dec 00 - 06:04 PM

Frosty's New Song (Deck The Halls)


No more balls I'm now called Holly
Folly, folly, folly, la, la, la.
S'prano giggles still sound jolly,
Folly, folly, folly, la, la, la
Once I donned such gay apparel
Folly, la, folly, la, folly, la
Now it's straight to dress like Carole
Folly, folly, la, la, folly, la, la.

Fast away male habits passeth
Folly, folly, folly, la, la, la,
(like) Belching, scratching, and passing gasseth,
Folly, folly, folly, la, la, la
Now I'm judged by female measures
Folly, la, folly, la, folly, la,
Since I clipped the "family treasures"
Folly, folly, la, la, folly, la, la

apologies for succombing to the obvious,

JH

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: Dharmabum
Date: 26 Dec 00 - 10:38 PM

NOW FROSTY IS NO GENTLEMAN
(god rest ye merry gentlemen)

In the town of Birmingham
At the university
They've done a 5 year study
On snowman history
They've done extensive research
And their findings are complete
They conclude that snowmen are obsolete
They're obsolete
They conclude that snowmen are obsolete.

Now Doctor Tricia Cusack
Took her lecture out on tour
She felt an obligation
To say the snowman's just a bore
We need to change his image to one more feminine
Now Frosty's got to go to her from him
To her from him
Now Frosty's got to go to her from him.

Now gender reassignment
Is a tricky deal indeed
Where once he stood so proudly
He now must squat to pee
He once stood tall & statuesque
Among the other greats
But now he sports a pair of 38's
Big 38's
Now he sports a pair of 38's.

Doctor Tricia found herself
Way up in Holyoke
Where some there felt her theories
Were no more than a joke
They said "we'll give her what she want's"
"Then laugh at the effect"
So they built one anatomically correct
Very erect
They built one anatomically correct.

She looked out of her window
And behold what did she see
There stood an 8 foot cocksickle
As glorious as can be
She said"This isn't funny & this isn't very nice"
"To be honored with a dildo made of ice"
She had to look twice
"To be honored with a dildo made of ice".

The townsfolk were offended
The doctor was aghast
They said this giant snowdildo
Must be destroyed & smashed
The students cried out censorship
Please save our work of art
But they came & they blew it all apart
Blew it apart
They came & they blew it all apart.

So if you've got a mind to
Build a snowman in your yard
Make sure he's got no member
Be it flacid,big or hard
Be sure you don't offend someone
They might retaliate
Might as well just stay home & masturbate
They say that it's great
Might as well just stay home & masturbate.

DB.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: Amos
Date: 27 Dec 00 - 02:49 AM

LOL!! What MASTERY!!! As good as anything Gilbert and Sullivan can lay claim to. Well done, Dharma! Cracking up! Regards,

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: Dharmabum
Date: 27 Dec 00 - 08:12 AM

Thanks Amos, And congrats to you & all the other challangers on a job well done! Great stuff here folks!

DB.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: Clifton53
Date: 27 Dec 00 - 08:16 PM

Great job there DB! Best one yet. Big Kerouac fan are ye? I happen to be the foremost Kerouac authority on my street.

Clifton53

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: GUEST,emily b
Date: 28 Dec 00 - 04:30 PM

You guys are just too good.

What talent, what humor, what sick minds, I love it all.

And Nathan, thanks for the gem.

LOL

Emily

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: mousethief
Date: 03 Jan 01 - 02:33 PM

Male Snowman
(tune: White Christmas)

I'm dreaming of a male snowman
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the eyes are rocks
And no-one mocks
His gender or his carrot nose

I'm dreaming of a male snowman
With every snowwoman I hail
May your snow be frosty and pale
And may all your snowwomen be male

©2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

-----

It was Dumb
(tune: Titanic)

Well, I built a big ol' snowman
Outside one winter's day
When this doctor came
And melted it away
She said, in a voice so sweet,
that snowmen are obsolete
It was dumb when the doctor knocked him down

Chorus:
Oh it was dumb
Oh it was dumb
And I wonder just where she got her grants?
(from the bottom of the...)
"Snowmen are wrong, let snow-women wear the pants"
It was dumb when the doctor knocked him down

Now it didn't have a penis
It hadn't any balls
It didn't scratch its crotch
Or whistle out wolf-calls
It was just a lump of snow
With coal eyes and carrot nose
It was dumb...

Well if you look at a snowman
And think that it is male
I can't help but ask
Just why your wit's so frail?
If there's anything gender-free
Snowmen sure seem so to me
It was dumb....

©2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: Áine
Date: 03 Jan 01 - 03:09 PM

Here we go, the first "official" Golden Cow Chip Awards for 2001! You all did a fantastic job with this one, and thanks to Bert (and Sinsull) for the great subject(s). So, without further ado, here you go:

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Shamrock Cluster:
Deck Us All by Amos
Frosty The Snowperson by Dharmabum
Frosty's New Song by John Hardly
It Was Dumb by mousethief
Male Snowman by mousethief

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Harp Ribbon:
It's Wintertime, It's Christmastime by Clifton53
The Lady Snowman by McGrath of Harlow
Let It Snow by Clifton53

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Guinness Crest:
Now Frosty Is No Gentleman by Dharmabum

And may each new Song Challenge! stir your creative juices and bring you many kisses on each cheek from the Keeper of the Book! ;-)

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: Dharmabum
Date: 03 Jan 01 - 03:49 PM

Thanks Aine, & a big standing ovation for you & all you put into these challanges!!!!!! Keep 'em comin.

HAPPY NEW YEAR
Ron

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 03 Jan 01 - 04:14 PM

And here's a picture of Raymond Briggs's Snowman (And as I said, in the film version, he has snow-ladies in there too, barn-dancing.)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: Bradypus
Date: 04 Jan 01 - 06:46 PM

Sorry I'm late - we've had a very busy Christmas holiday.

Snow Business

There's no business like snow business
And snow business is fine
Snow men and snow women
Are cool, and they're sublime
There's no people like snow people
And snow people are good
But academic insights simply miss the mark
We've been misunderstood

There's no business like snow business
It comes round every year
People building snowmen in their own back yard
They're working hard, don't mark their card
With a PC paintbrush they have all been tarred
It makes no sense, I fear

There's no people like snow people
And snow people are grand
But if you've been reading what is in the press
It's such a mess, I must confess
Decent snowmen everywhere it does depress
It's all so out of hand

There's no people like snow people
There's no black, they're all white
No-one in their right mind wants a snowman black
My jaw hangs slack at this attack
When it comes to gender there's a plain sense lack
Snow men should be all right

There's no business like snow business
On hills, valleys and moors
People build a snowman, it's the simple thing
Not posturing, common sense is king
Academics snooping, can you please take wing
It's no business of yours !

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 47
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 05 Sep 01 - 09:12 AM

"White Christmas" run through the uncalibrated Politically Correct Spell Check Program

I'm dreaming of a multicutural winterval
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the treetops glisten
And children listen
To hear sleighbells in the snow
I'm dreaming of a multicultural winterval
With every winterval card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your wintervals be multicultural