BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity

Subject: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: Justa Picker
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 02:37 PM

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity


1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

5) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

6) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

7) In the memo field of all your cheques, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS."

8) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

9) Dont use any punctuation

10) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

11) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

12) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

13) Sing along at the opera.

14) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

16) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

17) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

18) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"

19) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

20) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: SINSULL
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 02:48 PM

My nephew finishes every sentence with "But that's neither here nor there" whenever he is dealing with a difficult client. Some of them are impressed by his astute assessment - SIGH!

I did try #18 during a particularly grueling convention in Atlantic City. Put a twenty in a change machine and started shouting "I won!" as the quarters tumbled out. Those that noticed only looked confused - checking to see if they could find a similar slot machine.

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: Midchuck
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 02:51 PM

We just got two new little kittens. That's a s***load easier than remembering that whole list.

P.

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: SINSULL
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 03:15 PM

Neat Midchuck. My youngest is almost two and still falls in the toilet bowl to entertain me.

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: wysiwyg
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 03:27 PM

If yer runnin' a little on the low side, see me-- I can help.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 03:54 PM

The Bratling falls in the toilet bowl for my amusement. I laugh like heck and then she cries to be let out. So I have to let go of the lid......

Why not see how long you can go up and down in the one lift before someone actually asks you what floor you're after.

Smack yourself repeatedly on the forehead and say 'shuttup in there.... I won't do it.....'

In a meeting, sit by the heater, take your shoes and socks off and see how long it takes to clear the room and/or set the alarms off.....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: Skipjack K8
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 04:22 PM

I talk to God - I'm praying

God talks to me - I'm schitzophrenic

(Rita Rudner)

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: SINSULL
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 04:30 PM

I have a young man living with me named Siddhartha Mukherjee. I have great fun when telemarketers call and struggle through "Is Swa harda mook her jee or Swapni k=mack or whatever available?" I wait patiently until they are all done. Then respond, "Sorry. He's not home." Great fun when the semi-literate callers selling subscriptions to the NY Post try to get him. They usually stop halfway through, hoping I will intervene. But it would be rude to interrupt.

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: Wavestar
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 05:20 PM

Write a very long paper on films versions of King Lear for three days straight, stopping only to eat, go the bathroom, and read more sources. Oh, wait, no, that's UNHEALTHY insanity. Help! PLEASE!

-J

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: Kim C
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 05:49 PM

THAT is TOO funny. :-D

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: JenEllen
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 06:06 PM

21) When someone says "Have A Nice Day!" Tell them you have other plans.

22) Put your kids' clothes on backwards and take them to preschool as if nothing were wrong.

23) Fill out your taxes using Roman Numerals

24) Go through the Nation Geographic at the doctor/dentist's and draw underwear on the natives.

25) Send a PLAYGIRL subscription to your bosses wife.

26) Tell someone to "Blow it out your mule" and let them figure it out...

27) Stare at people through the times of a fork and pretend they are in jail.

28) Keep your windshiled wipers running in all weather "Just to keep them tuned up"

29) Publically investigate how slowly you can make a croaking noise

30) Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Oh, nevermind..."

31) Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No...Wait! I messed it up!" and repeat.

32) Start a "wave" in a packed elevator

33) At meetings, introduce your 'invisible friend' in the empty seat beside you, and ask for additional copies of memos to keep him/her updated.

34) Correct everyone on the pronunciation of your name. Even if it's Smith....claim the 'i' is silent.

35) Wink at srangers every chance you get.

~Jen (who NEVER sings along at the opera...:)

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: CarolC
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 06:29 PM

When I took intro to sociology in college, my teacher told the class to conduct an experiment. He said we should knock on the door when we got home and ask to be let in. He told us to ask permission for everything we do, like using the bathroom, eating food, etc. He had a whole big list of things we were supposed to do to play with the minds of our families.

Next time the class met he asked us how the experiment went. I told him "pretty interesting seeing as how I live alone".

(There should be a law against sociologists... )

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: Kim C
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 07:02 PM

Jen, I like the one about the fork. It's sort of like smushing someone's head... when you hold your thumb and first finger in front of your eyeball and place the offender's head in view, then... SMUSH!!! Haha!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: JenEllen
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 07:05 PM

LOL Kim...except for when they get wise, start putting their hands by their ears and pushing outwards....that can get damn tiring!!

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 08:48 PM

You can populate your world with a bunch of marginal losers and misfits with obnoxious personalities and even more obnoxious personal hygiene and habits. That part is easy....just log on to Mudcat regularly.

Then you have to come up with some characters even more outrageous and tell their tales on the 'Cat on a regular basis. Having long talks with an ass-blown possum and taking his picture doing normal things works pretty well too.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: hesperis
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 08:57 PM

What do people have against skipping? Is it just envy that someone else can be light-hearted enough to skip in public? What?

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 09:37 PM

Hesperis frequently skips in public, so it's a sore point with her...she is unafraid to do all kinds of lighthearted things in public that most adults are too inhibited to do.

Now here are a couple I do. When you have that half second of warning that you're about to sneeze, give it all you've got when the sneeze gets there. A full-throated screeching bellow of a sneeze will not only clear your nasal passages and clear out all those nasty negative feelings that sometimes build up through the day...it will also drive other people nuts, if they're the nervous type. The kind of sneeze I'm talking about should be loud enough to make a potted plant sway, and a sleeping dog leap 3 feet straight up in the air.

AAAAAHHHH-gha-FFFFLLLLAAAAARRRRRPPPHHHHHH!!!!!

God, that felt good!

Here's another one I used to do: When driving down any handy small street somewhere, grin like a total idiot at pedestrians who are walking the opposite way. It really gives 'em the creeps! (Warning: don't do this in your own neighbourhood...or word will get around, and people will start spreading malicious rumours about you.)

Oh...here's a good one...act like Spaw, dress like Spaw, talk like Spaw...got the idea? Need I say more?

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: JenEllen
Date: 26 Apr 01 - 10:28 PM

Aw, HesDarlin'...I'd skip with you any day.

Heavy-hearted masses. It always reminds me of the intro to that Joe-vs-TheVolcano movie, everyone so gray and dreary. It gets to the point where if you even so much as smile at a person, they look shocked.

Along with the winking at strangers, you need to drive around with the windows down and sing along to the oldies station on the radio. How many 'sane' votes will you get at the commitment hearing when they show that loverly video of you at a 4-way stop singing "Volare" at the top of your lungs??

~JE~

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: Kim C
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 01:21 PM

I frequently dance at the grocery store. Takes the monotony out of shopping. ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 01:47 PM

Facing the back of the elevator is another good one. I'd be afraid to try the hairdryer trick, someone might shoot back!

Also, simply where I work - 6 company names in 7 years... they are going to change the signage on the building again... and the way the phones are answered... and the swipe cards... where AM I????!?

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: Mrs.Duck
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 02:04 PM

36. Answer you phone and pretend to be the answer machine. Half way throught the message beep and say "I'm sorry I didn't catch that bit could you repeat it after the tone beep!"<
37. Ring someone up and when they answer say "Yes what do you want?"

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 02:25 PM

I skip quite often.... I also sneeze like a volcano..... shouting out a few towns from India helps too.... Dehli makes a good sound, Ahmedneggar is a great one.

In a meeting, take some marbles, sit at the back of the room and slowly roll them down to the front. Give yourself points for each one that reaches the front and double points if it hits the feet of the person speaking....

Make a card containing 10 pet phrases used by your boss. Things like 'I hear what you're saying', 'downsizing', 'corporate health', that sort of thing. Tick them off during the meeting. If you get all ten, shout 'Bingo' and run out of the room.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: Kim C
Date: 27 Apr 01 - 03:27 PM

I've done that one about pretending to be the answering machine. Whoever it was hung up on me.

Also I've done the answering machine recording where you say, "Hello? Hello? I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Can you speak a little louder? PLease leave a message blahblahblah......" That was when I was in college and my friend who called me started his message with the word "Bitch." ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
From: grumpy al
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 09:52 AM

truly insane people think they are normal and every one else is crazy.

I know without doubt I'm totaly crazy Q.E.D. I am really normal. Please can i go to the padded cell again?