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BS: Humor Us
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Amos Date: 31 Aug 01 - 03:31 PM This hilarious thread is being continued over here on Part Two. Regards, Amos |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Amos Date: 31 Aug 01 - 01:08 PM Another engineer joke: Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees". The cannibals promised. Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shake their heads no. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, Which of you idiots ate the janitor?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Don Firth Date: 31 Aug 01 - 01:37 AM Michael decided to leave Ireland and go to America to earn his fortune. As he stood on the dock waiting to board the ship to New York, he was approached by a little old lady who appeared to be very sad, almost on the verge of tears. Moved, Michael said, "Ma'am, is there something I can do for you?" "Are ye are goin' to America, young man?" she asked. "If ye are, then indeed there is." "And what might that be?" young Michael asked. "You have a kind face," she said. "If it isn't too much trouble . . . well, you see, years ago my son left home to go to America, much as you are doin', and he promised that he'd write faithfully to his poor old mother and let me know how he is and how he's gettin' on. I got one letter from him, tellin' me that he'd was in a place called Vermont, and that he was livin' in a little white house there. He didn't write his address on the envelope, so I couldn't write back to him, and I haven't heard from him for all these years. But he did say it was a little white house in Vermont. I don't know whether he's doin' well or not . . . I don't even know if my boy is still livin'," she said, wiping away a tear. Michael felt both apprehensive and angry. He was apprehensive about what might have happened to the woman's son, and angry that, should he be all right, that he could be so neglectful of his mother. "Ma'am," Michael said resolutely, "I give you my solemn promise, on my honor, that the first thing I'm goin' to do when I get to America is look up your son and see how he's gettin' on. And if all is well, I'll see to it meself that he writes to you straightaway! Now, what might your lad's name be?" "His name is Patrick Dunn," she said. "And God bless you for your kindness to a poor old woman." "I'm happy to be of service, Mrs. Dunn, happy to be of service." And so Michael boards the ship and sails off to America. Michael is as good as his word. The very instant he sets foot on American soil, he goes to the nearest railway station. He goes to the ticket window and tells the clerk, "I'd like a railway ticket to Vermont, please." "Okay," says the ticket clerk, slouching against the counter and shifting her chewing gum to the other side of her mouth. "Where in Vermont?" "Well . . . Vermont! You have a place in America called 'Vermont,' haven't you now?" "Well, yeah. But where do you want to go in Vermont?" "Where do I—" Not only is she cheeky, she's a snoop as well! "None o' your bloody business, woman! Vermont! Just give me a ticket to Vermont!" Okay for you, smart guy, she thinks. And she sells him a ticket to a place in Vermont that has a train station, but it's so small it isn't even on most maps. Michael boards the train. Some time later, the conductor informs him that he has arrived at his destination. He gets off the train and other than the platform and a small station, he doesn't see much of anything around. The station-master, a wizened-up, stooped old gentleman looks out the door to see why the train stopped, and he squints at Michael. "Good day to you, my man," says Michael. "Tell me, is there a little white house somewhere around here?" "Ayup!" says the old man. "Around back." Michael walks out behind the station and there he sees a little white house. A very little white house. As he approaches to knock on the door, the door opens and a man comes out. And he's zipping up his fly. "Are you Dunn?" asks Michael. "Yeah," says the man, "I'm done." "Then for the love of God, man," says the angry Michael, "write to your poor old mother in Ireland!!???" Don Firth |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: AliUK Date: 31 Aug 01 - 01:06 AM Not a joke but this was just to good not to stick in here: In May, a court in Edmonton, Alberta, sentenced William Piggott, 55, to 18 months' house arrest for three 1999 offenses in which prostitutes had turned him in for talking too dirty. According to court records, Piggott had merely asked the women if they would have sex with dogs. [Edmonton Journal, 5-19-01] |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Rich(bodhránai gan ciall) Date: 31 Aug 01 - 12:15 AM Two nuns are driving through Transylvania, when a vampire bat lands on their windshield. Sr. Mary switches on the wipers but the the bat keeps landing back on the window. Sr. Agnes says, "I put holy water in the squirters, when we stopped at the gas station this morning. Use them." It barely phases the bat. "Sr. Mary, show him your cross", says Sr. Agnes Sr. Mary rolls down the window And says "GET THE FUCK OFF MY CAR!!!" Paddy is playing golf at his favorite course in Cork, when he runs into a leprechaun. Says the leprechaun, "How'sd you like to be making a hole in one on this hole?" Now Paddy's heard about leprechauns. Cagey little rascals and tricksters the whole lot of them. He asks "What'll it cost me?" "5 years off your sex life." Now Paddy is not exactly the best player ever to swing a club and as a matter of fact, has never shot a hole in one in his life. He's a young guy, and surely will have many good years left, so he agrees, albeit reluctantly. Sure enough it goes right in the hole. He can scarcely believe his eyes. He progresses to he next tee and sure enough the leprechaun is waiting. "Now only once before has there ever been a man to shoot a hole in one on 2 consecutive holes on this course and that was the great Jimmy Daly, himself. How'd you like to do the same?" "and what will it cost me?" "another 5 years off your sex life." Well to be held in the same regard as THE JimMy Daly!!! Paddy reluctantly agrees. Pop! Straight in the hole! At the next tee the leprechaun is of course waiting. "And how'd ye like to SET A NEW RECORD?" Well, Paddy's come this far, and as costly as it might be, to have his name on the wall in the lodge and people speaking his name like that......he (very) reluctantly agrees. And that is the story of how Father Patrick Flanagan set his record in golf. Rich |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Troll Date: 30 Aug 01 - 11:06 PM Thankee kindly, Jack. troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: AliUK Date: 30 Aug 01 - 08:12 PM this is a brazilian joke so I hope it translates. Out here the portuguese are treated like the polish in the U.S. and the Irish in Britain: An American , a Brazilian and a portuguese were in a shipwreck and the found up on a tropical island where they were captured by a tribe of cannibals. They gave the three castaways a chance to live but they had to go into the jungla and pick a fruit which they would then shove up their...well...their assholes.If they did so without making a sound then they would be aloud to live. They all three ran into the forest to find their fruits. The Yank returned first with a peach, as he was shoving it up he squeked and the cannibals slit his throat. The Brazilian came out with a grape and as he was shoving it up, he made a sound and they slit HIS throat. When he reached heaven the yank was waiting for him and he said "Man, you had it made how come you started laughing?"and the Brazilian turned to him and said, "Well, everything was going fine until I turned around and saw the Portuguese guy coming out of the jungle with a pineapple...." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Gareth Date: 30 Aug 01 - 07:14 PM Then there was this Rabbi and The Catholic Father sitting next to each other on the Airplane, and they got talking, and discussing thier religions. "Well", says the father, " Have you never eaten bacon ?". "Just the onece, Just the onece", says the Rabbi, "and have you ever had Sex ?". "Just the onece, Just the onece", says the priest. "Better than Pork, isn't it", said the Rabbi. Gareth |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Jack the Sailor Date: 30 Aug 01 - 03:31 PM An experiment Hope this increases the readability
A friend(Dirtsprite) sent these. >FW: The Blues: tutorial _________________________________________________________________ troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: GUEST Date: 30 Aug 01 - 03:31 PM So Jesus and the apostles go out for dinner. And Jesus looks at the bill, realizes he doesn't have that kind of money and passes it to Thomas. Thomas looks at the bill "Doesn't have that kind of money? I doubt it" and finds Judas in the crowd. "Hey, Judas, Jesus wants you to take care of this for him. Pay the bill, okay?" And Judas looks at the bill-"Where the hell am I gonna get thirty pieces of silver!?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Deda Date: 30 Aug 01 - 03:02 PM During the week the rabbi gets an envelope in the mail; inside is a sheet of paper with just one workd "Shmuck", written in big, black letters. So that Friday night he addresses his congregation and he says, "We've all heard of people sending letters that they didn't sign. Well, this week I got something like that, except that the person signed it all right -- he just forgot to include the letter!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Metchosin Date: 30 Aug 01 - 02:33 PM Big Blind Bake-apple Buchanan
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: SharonA Date: 30 Aug 01 - 01:31 PM "Make your own Blues name Starter Kit" names? Awright, I'll try the formula. Lessee, now... Flat-footed Fat River Navel-orange Nixon Bulemic Bessie Blueberry Bush Bipolar Big Mama Paw-paw Polk |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Metchosin Date: 30 Aug 01 - 01:10 PM I had trouble reading your post Troll...not because of the funny little arrows, but because my eyes kept tearing up...what a hoot!... I don't know about not being able to sing the blues in Newfoundland though....unless of course your dog ain't a hound... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: annamill Date: 30 Aug 01 - 12:21 PM Three nuns were standing around talking and one says "My goodness! I was cleaning Fathers room this morning and I found porno magazines". The second nuns asks "So, What did you do??". "Well, I threw them in the trash, of course". NEXT DAY: The same three nuns were standing around talking and the second nun says "Oh dear!! I found profilactics cleaning Fathers room this morning.". First nun says 'So, what did you do??". "I stuck a pin in each one". The third nun fainted! L.A. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Metchosin Date: 30 Aug 01 - 12:12 PM Two Newfoundlanders were out for a walk one evening with their dogs. They were passing through town when they noticed that there was a dance in progress in one of the local establishments.
They both decided that they would like to go to the dance but realized they wouldn't be able to get in with their dogs. Just then, one of the buddies got a bright idea. "Watch me! Just do exactly what I do and I'll guarantee they will let you in!", whereupon he slipped a leash on his dog and donned a pair of sunglasses and approached the fellow who was minding the door.
The man at the door said "Hey, you can't go in there with that dog!"
"But this is my guide dog!" the Newfie protested, "Why without him, I'd be crashing into the tables, falling over the drums and bumping into people, I need him!"
The bouncer looked at the dog and said, "Well, I've never seen a doberman used as a guide dog before, but I guess its OK," and reluctantly allowed the fellow into the dance.
His friend across the street watched and after his buddy had gone in the door, he put on his sunglasses and a leash on his dog and approached the man at the door.
"Just a minute, buddy, you can't be going in there with that dog!" the doorman protested.
"But this is my guide dog!" the fellow cried. "I have to take him in there! Without him I'd be crashing into the tables, falling over the drums and bumping into people, I need him!"
"Well I can understand how they might be able to train dobermans as guide dogs, buddy, but, retorted the bouncer, you are never going to convince me that your chihuahua is a guide dog!" The Newfie looked stunned, "Chihuahua!!! Chihuahua? They gave me a CHIHUAHUA????" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Troll Date: 30 Aug 01 - 11:16 AM A friend(Dirtsprite) sent these. >FW: The Blues: tutorial > > > > You too, can learn to write the Blues; A tutorial. > > > > > > 1. Most Blues begin with "Woke up this morning..." > > > > > > 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you >stick > > > something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the > > meanest > > > face in town." > > > > > > 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat >it. > > Then > > > find something that rhymes... sort of "Got a good woman with the >meanest > > > face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. > > She's > > > got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weighs 500 pounds." > > > > > > 4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in >a > > > ditch-ain't no way out. > > > > > > 5. Blues cars Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues > > don't > > > travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues > > > transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft >and > > > state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the runnin.' Walkin' plays >a > > > major part in the blues lifestyle. So does a-fixin' to die. > > > > > > 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't a-fixin' to die yet. >Adults > > > sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get >the > > > electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. > > > > > > 7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any >place >in > > > Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just >clinical > > > depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still good places >to > > > have the Blues. Most places that start with San are good bluesy >places > > like > > > San Diego, San Francisco, and San Antonio. > > > > > > 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't got the blues. A woman with > > male > > > pattern baldness does. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is >not > > the > > > blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is. > > > > > > 9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The >lighting > > is > > > wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. > > > > > > 10. Good places for the Blues: > > > a. highway > > > b. jailhouse > > > c. empty bed > > > d. bottom of a whiskey glass. > > > > > > Bad places for the Blues: > > > a. Nordstrom's > > > b. gallery openings > > > c. Ivy League institutions > > > d. golf courses. > > > > > > 11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you > > happen > > > to be old and you slept in it. > > > > > > 12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if > > > a. you are older than dirt > > > b. you are blind > > > c. you shot a man in Memphis > > > d. you can't be satisfied. > > > > > > No, if > > > a. you have all of your teeth > > > b. you were once blind but now can see > > > c. the man you shot in Memphis lived > > > d. you have a 401K or trust fund. > > > > > > 13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger > > Woods > > > cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also >got >a > > > leg up on the blues. > > > > > > 14. If you ask for water and your darling gives you gasoline, it's the > > > Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are cheap wine; whiskey or > > bourbon; > > > muddy water; and nasty black coffee. The following are NOT Blues > > beverages: > > > Perrier; Chardonnay; Snapple; and Slim Fast. > > > > > > 15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues > > death. > > > Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. >So > > > are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a >broken-down > > > cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or > > while > > > getting lipo-suction. > > > > > > 16. Some Blues names for women Sadie; Big Mama; Bessie; or Fat River > > > Dumpling. > > > > > > 16. Some Blues names for men Joe; Willie; Little Willie; or Big >Willie. > > > > > > 18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer and Heather >can't > > sing > > > the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. > > > > > > 19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: > > > a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) > > > b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) > > > c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For > > > example Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi > > > Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.") > > > > > > 20. I don't care how tragic your life if you own a computer, you >cannot > > sing > > > the blues. > > > > > > (DAMN!) > > > > > > _________________________________________________________________ troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Dagengham DOC Date: 30 Aug 01 - 02:25 AM Jesus was a typical man.... he said he'd be back again and no one's seen him since DD |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: catspaw49 Date: 30 Aug 01 - 12:00 AM This guy goes into a computer bar and says, "I wanna' drive someone fuckin' nuts." Bartender looks at him and says, "Log onto www.mudcat.org and start a thread about that movie 'Songcatcher.'" Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Troll Date: 29 Aug 01 - 09:56 PM Lena and Ole are sitting on the sofa watching TV when suddenly Lena reaches over and gives Ole a good hard thump on the back of his head. "Now what the heck was that for?", he says. "That's for being such a lousy lover all these years." So Ole thumps her."Why'd'ja' do that?" says Lena. "Thats for knowing the difference." syas Ole. troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Amos Date: 29 Aug 01 - 04:38 PM These two old men are sitting by a park bench, one a gray-haired Formosan, the other a tired Jewish gentleman of some eightfive years. After a while the Jewish gentleman gets up and slaps the othe rman in the face. Outraged, the Formosan demands "Wot was that foh?" "Pearl Harbor", says the other man. "HEY!! I not Japanese, I Chinese!" says the Formosan. "Japanese, Chinese, all the same to me!" says the grumpy Jewish gentleman, and sits back down. After a while the Chinese gent gets up and slaps the other man in the face. The Jewish gent immediately demands to know why. "For sink Titanic!!", replies the Formosan. "The TITANIC??" yells his companion. "That was a damn Iceberg!!" "Iceberg, Greenberg, Goldberg, alla same ME!!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: GUEST,PAH Date: 29 Aug 01 - 02:06 PM Brandy, a single parent was praying one day, "Dear Lord, I'm a single parent and don't make much money, please if you could, let me win the lottery". She doesn't win and a few weeks later she is praying again, "Lord, please, I've been a good servant, I've lost my job and I don't know how I'll pay my bills, please let me win the lottery," Again she doesn't win and a few weeks later she's praying again, "Lord, why have you not heard my prayers, I've always traveled the moral path, I've always been a good servant, and now I've lost my house, please, please, let me win the lottery!!!!" The sky rumbles and with a crack of thunder the Lord speaks, "Brandy, meet me halfway, buy a ticket!!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: SDShad Date: 29 Aug 01 - 10:30 AM Ah, Jim, me boy, you're getting me all misty-eyed for the Motherland with your Ole joke. So, one year, it's a pretty hard winter, and it starts early. First big snowstorm in November, and Ole and Lena are sitting watching the WCCO six o'clock news, and it's announced that all cars need to be parked on the even-numbered side of the street for snow removal or you'll get ticketed. "Better get out there and move the car, then, Ole," says Lena. So Ole dutifully puts on his winter gear, and goes and moves the car to the even-numbered side of the street. Snow plows come through, and don't you know five days later there's another big blizzard. So this time WCCO announces you've got to park on the odd-numbered side, and being a good citizen, Ole goes and moves the car to the odd-numbered side of the street. More snow plows, and not another four days goes by before there's another storm. Lena goes to turn on the TV at six to get the snow-removal-parking instructions from WCCO again, but Ole stops her. "Darn it, Lena, I've had enough. I don't care if they do give me a ticket, this time I'm leavin' the car in the garage." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 29 Aug 01 - 09:49 AM At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they had missed the final. The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Mark Cohen Date: 29 Aug 01 - 12:13 AM Not even an urban myth, Dave...just a good joke! And very well told, I think. Aloha, Mark |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 28 Aug 01 - 09:26 PM Classic urban myth. DAve Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Mark Cohen Date: 28 Aug 01 - 08:08 PM Here's the story about the Corvette as I heard it sung by Betsy Rose, who got it from John McCutcheon, who got it from...who swears it might be true. I'll leave in all the 80s references--I heard it at the Puget Sound Guitar Workshop in 1986. If anyone's interested I can probably make a MIDI of the tune as I remember it. Betsy said that John did it as a basic three-chord folksong, but "I can't write a three-chord song to save my life, so I changed it to an Irish a cappella ballad." A TRUE STORY One morning while reading the paper, in search of a new set of wheels The classifieds had such a curious ad, in their listings of automobiles I read in suspicious amusement what seemed like a wild stroke of luck: "Corvette Stingray," it said, "low mileage, bright red, '83 model...sixty-five bucks." Now I was used to my newspaper's typos, still I called up the number straightway "'Bout that '83 'Vette, have you sold the thing yet?" She said, "No, you're my first call today" I said, "There's been some mistake in the paper, they've printed the ad wrong somehow" "Oh, no," replied she, "They got that from me" -- I said, "Don't sell that car, I'm leaving now!" Well, her address was in a part of the city where I'd wandered just one time or two Where the doctors, bank presidents and lawyers are residents, and the houses are massive and new As I drove up her half-a-mile driveway, there in the heat of the day In the sunlight it gleamed, the car of my dreams -- only sixty-five dollars away The interior was made of white leather, it had a 487 V-8 Gull wingspan doors, Hurst four on the floor, and the 8-channel tape deck was great There was chrome on the chrome on the fenders, in an aerodynamic design A phone, a TV, and it was bogglin' to me how for sixty-five bucks it was mine Now I suspected the woman was crazy, to be selling the car at this price But as we walked down the lane she seemed perfectly sane; she was charming and really quite nice She smiled with such great satisfaction as she handed me title and keys I said, "I've just got to know why you let this thing go--What's wrong with this car, tell me, please?" She said, "I'll be sixty come Tuesday, and I've lived here with my husband Earl After forty years wed, and without a word said, he left me for some young teenage girl With his credit cards here on the table, I knew that he couldn't go far Last night from Florida he sent a wire to me, it said, 'I need money, dear....SELL THE CAR!'" Aloha, Mark |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Gareth Date: 28 Aug 01 - 07:54 PM AliUk thanks for correcting my spelling - I can assure you going on the beer with the RN is not something you want to do to often - but then youv'e learnt- as did I. Gareth |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: SharonA Date: 28 Aug 01 - 07:34 PM Thanks for the info, AliUk. Biskit: It was just a hunch! (The back-of-the-knees thing tipped me off.) They do stay in your heart, don't they? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Helen Date: 28 Aug 01 - 07:16 PM A variation on Amos's last joke: A man is out driving in the bush, speeding along late at night. Suddenly he hits something, jumps out of the car and checks it out. He gets out his mobile phone, and in a big panic, calls his best mate. "Hey, mate! I've just killed a pig. What am I going to do with it?" His mate says: "That's great! Gut it and tie it to the car bonnet and we'll have a barbecue." So his mate hangs up, goes and does it and then gets back on the phone. "Okay, I've done that, but what am I going to do with the motorcycle?"
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: GUEST,AliUk (from a different comp) Date: 28 Aug 01 - 04:34 PM Matelots are sailors it's pronounced /mattlows/. My brother was a Rn sailor and I went out with him and his mates one night down the strip in Plymouth...my one and only ever lost weekend |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Biskit Date: 28 Aug 01 - 04:31 PM Sharon, How'd you know I was talkin' about my ol' huntin' bud?? Best darn Birder I'd ever had! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: SharonA Date: 28 Aug 01 - 04:30 PM But who/what are Mateloes? (please define for the ignorant American – thanks!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Gareth Date: 28 Aug 01 - 04:23 PM Naemason Sorry at times I forget we are a common people sepperated by a common language. Ah happy days - funny enough my brother recently had 3 months a relief manager of a bar in Union Street, Plymouth, things havent changed. Translation - Things don't change. My Brother was sent by the Brewery which he worked for to Manage a Pub in Union Street Plymouth as a tempory posting whilst they found a permenant manager. Union Street Plymouth is the main drinking area etc in Plymouth. Plymouth has a big Navy base, and Army Barracks. The Mateloe's, Marines and Army still take turns to beat each other up. Gareth
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: GUEST,PAH Date: 28 Aug 01 - 04:12 PM A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat! Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. After all, it was the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the friggin' ship?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Amos Date: 28 Aug 01 - 12:00 PM A couple of Redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." ...There is a silence, then a shot is heard.... The hunter says, "OK, now what?"
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Jim Dixon Date: 28 Aug 01 - 11:21 AM Here in Minnesota, we tell lots of "Sven and Ole" jokes, or "Ole and Lena" jokes. Here's one: Ole got a job with the State Highway Department, painting the stripes down the middle of the highway. The first day on the job, he painted 5 miles of stripes, and his supervisor was mighty pleased. The second day on the job, he painted only about a mile and a half, and the third day, he painted less than a mile. The boss asked, "What's wrong, Ole?" Ole said, "I think I'm getting too far away from the paint can." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: GUEST,Celtic Soul Date: 28 Aug 01 - 10:05 AM Two men sitting in a prison cell. One says to the other, "Apparently, it's OK to clone sheep but not dollar bills". A guard and an inmate are conversing in the yard when the inmate says, "I'm through bouncing checks. It's too easy to qualify for a credit card".
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Naemanson Date: 28 Aug 01 - 06:59 AM Gareth, it was USN and USMC. And I didn't understand your last sentence at all! Are we speaking the same language? *Grin* It occurred to me that there are pplenty of joke songs out there. Mark mentioned Matt McGuinn's song and that reminded me of the song about the woman selling her husband's corvette and then there is I'd Like To Have A Mistress. Maybe that topic deserves a thread of its own... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Jack the Sailor Date: 27 Aug 01 - 11:58 PM As we are rcycling or favourite jokes... A Newfoundlander calls the Salvation Army "Do you save fallen women?" "Of course we do." "Good! Den save a couple for me for Saturday night!" - A Newfoundlander |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Mark Cohen Date: 27 Aug 01 - 11:19 PM Matt McGuinn turned that joke into a wonderful song, Grigaloo, which I'm happy to see is also in the DT. It's on Gordon Bok's collection, "The February Tapes" (vol. I), and I'm not sure who else has recorded it. Possibly true thread creep: Matt had been mostly known for writing parodies and funny songs, and then wrote the lovely song, "The Rolling Hills of the Border". Apparently he was somewhat chagrined when John Roberts and Tony Barrand turned that into the classic parody, "The Rolling Mills of New Jersey." Aloha, Mark |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: GUEST Date: 27 Aug 01 - 09:09 PM |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Gareth Date: 27 Aug 01 - 08:56 PM USN or RN, Royal Marines or USMC ?? Not that it matters but it reminds me of the story of when the RN, the Booties and the Army had barracks in Chatham Kent. Taditionally the Redcaps & Regulating Branch of the Navy would go round in joint patrols for tradition had it that :-
On Fridays the Marines and Army would gang up against the Navy Ah happy days - funny enough my brother recently had 3 months a relief manager of a bar in Union Street, Plymouth, things havent changed. Gareth |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Naemanson Date: 27 Aug 01 - 08:08 PM Gareth, I first heard that joke when I was in the Navy. As we told it there was a sailor on a hill who taunted a company of Marines marching by. It's one of the old gold jokes. I love them all. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Gareth Date: 27 Aug 01 - 07:57 PM Oh my ! - look you ! - The Rabbi and the Blond - this is about to become the Minister and the Druids. DaveO - BravO - I thank you.
Which reminds me of the old, old story. Gareth
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 27 Aug 01 - 07:05 PM The Rabbi rose with a red face..."Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community." No one moved. The Rabbi continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!" Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop, rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan... I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Amos Date: 27 Aug 01 - 03:47 PM Biskit: Peace in return, mate. I understand about the compelling beauty of redheads. I was just cracking wise about the politically correct currents of our age and how dumb I think they are. Now about your love affair with that Irish Setter.... A. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: SharonA Date: 27 Aug 01 - 02:50 PM "The beautiful,thick, red hair that hung to the back of her knees in curls..." But enough about Biskit's Irish Setter... ;^) (kidding! just kidding!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: Biskit Date: 27 Aug 01 - 02:39 PM Mark, How did it know what? and Amos I've always had a soft spot in my heart for redheads,...every since my first love, "Heather",(Biskit softly sighs at this point) there are many things about her that I'm gonna miss forever. The beautiful,thick, red hair that hung to the back of her knees in curls is but one thing. Now that you are aware of my nostalgia where red hair is concerened I hope you won't find fault in my describing one that I wanted to portay as having great beauty as one also having red hair. It just kinda goes together for me. *Peace* ~Biskit~ |
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Subject: RE: BS: Humor Us From: GUEST,PAH Date: 27 Aug 01 - 11:11 AM More Thermos humor... A blonde/brunette/redhead (take your choice!) walks into a store and asks about the thermos behind the counter. The salesman tries to explain that it's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. She is just amazed and buys it immediately. The next day at work she is bragging about her new thermos to a co-worker. She said, "It's great!! It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!!" Trying to control his laughter he said, "So, whatdaya got in there??" She said, "Two cups of coffee and a popcicle!!" Frank |