BS: malapropisms

Subject: malapropisms
From: Mr Happy
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 04:04 PM

many years ago, an old auntie took me & my sister out to her garden to show off her 'lovely peonises' to us.

she described them with pride saying something like 'my peonises are so big this year, and such shapes and colours!'

i also recall my mother telling me of her friend who'd bought new curtains, and her husband had made 'a pelvis' to go round the top of them.

then there's 'the paranoid camera'

any more?

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: C-flat
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 05:11 PM

A lady I know uses "canine" pepper when she's cooking!

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: GUEST,Fat b****rd
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 05:30 PM

An old workmate of mine refeered to "flourishing" light fittings and was sometimes "Dublious" about things.

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: GUEST,cookieless in DC
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 06:05 PM

One of our local folk community has uttered a number of really good ones, such as the time she said one of our friends had given up smoking because "he didn't want to be a social piranha", or the time another friend's child had to have surgery "to have his androids removed"...

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Eric the Viking
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 06:25 PM

one of my kids at school asked me if he should put a virgin on every page!(he meant margin)

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 06:27 PM

katlaughing calls her PC a 'pewter'

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Mr Happy
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 08:14 PM

my brother in law was working at chester zoo, cutting & trimming some trees.

during the morning tea break, a zoo staff asked if him & his colleagues could trim the larch tree near her office window.

at afternoon break, she came to them agin to ask when they would do the larch tree.

joe said 'oh we've already cut down that large tree!'

this workmate,joe was well known for other gaffes such as referring to a large road excavation as 'the captivity in the road!' and putting waste in the appropriate 'reptacle'

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Mr Red
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 08:20 PM

C-flat
canine pepper? must be hot dogs!!!

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: The Pooka
Date: 16 Jul 02 - 10:40 PM

HAHAHA...Guest F.****B., one time I became rather Dublious , m'self, in Dublin...of course that was long ago, ahem...Speaking of ancient history, in 1969 it was reported that New York City Democratic mayoral candidate Mario Proccacino, advised by an aide that his speeches were too "corny", replied: "Corn is in the Ear of the Beholder." To combat his racist reputation, he is said to have told a Harlem audience, "My heart is as black as yours."

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: GUEST,open mike
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 02:52 AM

I have a friend who refers to well-endowed females as volumptuous...and one of my favorite numbers is eleventy seven....and my least favorite time to get up is zero dark thirty....my children both had a difficult time with the word zipper, so chose their ownb pronunciation (pronounciations) one said yippser, the other, zwipper. and they called bananas "Neenums". Have you heard of Spoonerisms?

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Jeanie
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 04:05 AM

Best of all is hearing malapropisms to do with health, when you *have* to keep a straight face - which of course makes it all the more difficult to achieve.

My favourite is the girl telling me, in hushed tones, about the trouble her uncle was having with his digestive system: "He's having a test today to see how strong his stomach is. They're giving him one of those Bavarian meals."

Dumpling soup, bockwurst and sauerkraut sounds like a pretty thorough test to me !

- jeanie

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 04:22 AM

While out for dinner with the family in an Indian Restaurant my Grandms asked the waiter for a couple of 'pomperdoms'. My brother in an argument with my mother said that he was 'only fuman' (Human).

cat

Subject: Lyr Add: WITH ONE SWELL FOOP (Robin --?--)
From: Robbyanne
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 04:44 AM

The guest named Open Mike asked if anyone had heard of spoonerisms - I love 'em! They quite often slip out of my mouth, and being a songwriter, it's always good fodder for a song idea. Here are the lyrics to a song I wrote and recorded a few years back. It's called "WITH ONE SWELL FOOP".
Love, Robin

1. Have you ever had a time when it happened to you,
You'd be talking along, and then out of the blue,
You'd begin to hear the words that you just said.
Well the words you've been saying are nothing but mush,
The realization comes in a terrible rush,
And your self esteem is hanging by a thread.

CHORUS: Well, I done there, been that, many a time
With one swell foop, I butchered my line.
A miscalulation, a tip of the slung,
Man oh man, is my hoose gung!
People grin and start to smirk,
I feel just like a jupid sterk.
Ignore me, please, and bet me lee,
Just let me die dith wignity.
Well, if you get your tang tungled,
Just poll with the runches, and don't you tet upgight.

2. I was giving advice to a lovesick friend,
Everything was fine, 'til I got to the end
Of a lecture filled with wisdom, quips and hints.
I was finishing off, my point to press,
When out of my lips there dribbled this mess:
"You've gotta fiss a lot of krogs, before you pind your frince!" CHORUS

3. Over the years, I've pulled some beauts,
Like telling my husband to leave on his boots,
"Cause I didn't like to smell his finky steet.
Or the time I got pulled over, and I was aghast
I said; "Occifer, was I driving foo tast?"
He just smiled and said I'd made his day complete. CHORUS

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Trevor
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 05:12 AM

I was delivering a boat for somebody one time and we were in Fishguard (South West Wales). That afternoon we'd seen the Prescelly Hills in the distance. We were sitting in a pub full of lorry drivers waiting for the ferry to Ireland and the girl that I was sailing with said 'Didn't the Pessaries look lovely today...'

Newspapers rattled, ash fell of the end of all the fags, and I almost exploded laughing.

Also, I remember my brother saying, for years, when reciting The Lord's Prayer '...and deliver us from eagles..'

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: KingBrilliant
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 05:18 AM

Hammerite reckoned that, since Mark & his mate seemed to reach the same conclusions at the same time, that they must have a psychopathic link.

Despite having that one explained - she made the same mistake again several weeks later. A friend at canoe club said that the teachers at her school thought she was psychopathic - to which Hamm innocently replied :"Go on then - what am I thinking?".

Mark is the architect of a huge number of malaprops - its just the way his dyslexic brain works. I'm so imune to them now that they don't particularly register anymore. His best was when he told me that my friend Pam was pussy in his hands. She should be so lucky!!!!!

He also, many years ago, went to see "Ackerbilk III" at the cinema (of course everyone else was watching Apocolypse Now.....)

KRis

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Mr Happy
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 05:23 AM

a friend in the police told me when he was in court one day, a colleague was reading aloud from his notebook that the accused's car was 'clearly expeeding the seed limit!'

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Mr Happy
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 07:23 AM

apologies folks, my last post is really a spoonerism.

but to continue,

"His best was when he told me that my friend Pam was pussy in his hands. She should be so lucky!!!!!"

obviously his freudian slip was showing!

during a break in a session, we got to talking about pets.

i said 'dogs love cat food, but cogs.......?'

someone piped up 'cogs don't like dat food!'

then another interjected with 'dey only like dis food!'

the room then ROTFLTAO!

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Jeanie
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 07:46 AM

"Good constanoon aftable. What - me ? Under the affluence of incahol ??"

- jeanie

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 12:27 PM

I once introduced the anthem that was about to be sung at a wedding as 'Garlic Dressing' instead of 'Gaelic Blessing', our choir master was not impressed!

cat

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Ebbie
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 12:47 PM

A somewhat negative person was telling me how her daughter's shoulder injury was coming along and said mournfully, And now she has THIRAPPY. I nodded my head encouragingly while wondering just what kind of further ailment her daughter could have developed, when it hit me.

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Ebbie
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 12:58 PM

Good one, Robin! Is this easier to read? (And I may have butchered it- but I tried!)

With One Swell Foop". RobbyAnne

Have you ever had a time when it happened to you,
You'd be talking along, and then out of the blue,
You'd begin to hear the words that you just said.
Well the words you've been saying
Are nothing but mush,
The realization comes in a terrible rush,
And your self esteem is hanging by a thread.

(Refrain)

Well, I done there, been that, many a time
With one swell foop, I butchered my line.
A miscalculation, a tip of the slung, Man oh man, is my hoose gung!
People grin and start to smirk, I feel just like a jupid sterk.
Ignore me, please, and bet me lee, Just let me die dith wignity.
Well, if you get your tang tungled,
Just poll with the runches, and don't you tet upgight.

I was giving advice to a lovesick friend,
Everything was fine, 'til I got to the end
Of a lecture filled with wisdom, quips and hints.
I was finishing off, my point to press,
When out of my lips there dribbled this mess:
"You've gotta fiss a lot of krogs, Before you pind your frince!"

(REFRAIN) Well I done there......

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: GUEST,Desdemona at work
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 01:40 PM

From Psalm #23: "Shirley, good Mrs. Murphy, will follow me all the days of my life...."!

The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Get a Chihuahua"

My mother's neighbour has a fondness for "sympathy music"....

I could go on & on!

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Sooz
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 03:44 PM

My mother-in-law has a hunchback car and semi-skilled milk, plays viveo tapes and sometimes it seems like every other word is mangled - so much so that we've stopped logging them. In our house we still eat frickled injuns because my neice couldn't manage to say pickled onions when she first began to talk about 37 years ago. We just prefer the alternative version - so long as they are the extra strong variety!

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Bill D
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 05:52 PM

my cousin kept his milk and juice in the 'batemfritter'!

and I once worked with a guy who stepped on a nail, and worried all day the he might have to get one of those 'tentative shots'

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Bardford
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 06:11 PM

I know a gal who describes very thin people as 'emancipated'. She also takes lossinjers for a cough.

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Nancy King
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 06:18 PM

A woman I used to work with said her elderly Italian father, when agitated, would exclaim, "Summon a bitch!"

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Joe_F
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 07:02 PM

Some that I have encountered in editing:

a structural system that may vibrate perceptively [Quivering with anticipation?]

derived following the precincts of Leach

using a maligned telescope

Much of this work was in calibration with Roy. [We may hope that it measured up to his standard.]

the hearth of the problem

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Yorkshire Tony
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 07:48 PM

A new executive assistant when typing up a rather technical piece on economics for me came up with errogenous and endogamous variables

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Ebbie
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 08:08 PM

My boss, at a staff meeting, said, I was hoping one of you would take the ball and roll with it.

Conceding the difficulties of one of the departments, the same woman said, This year they've had their share of bumps and grinds.

The amazing part to me is that no one reacted to these statements. I about choked.

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: GUEST,Bardford
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 08:56 PM

I once worked in a basement office in a medical school, down the hall from the "gadivers", as my manager put it.

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Bill D
Date: 17 Jul 02 - 10:21 PM

bet them 'gadivers' weren't doing 'bumps & grinds'!

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: GUEST,Bardford
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 01:01 AM

Nah, Bill D, they were too emancipated.

I just remebered a friend of mine who was in a Greek restaurant and ordered spina bifida.

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Ebbie
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 02:58 AM

hahaha 'emancipated', indeed!

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Mr Happy
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 03:14 AM

a friends little boy was telling us about his birthday treat.

he'd been taken out for a meal in a 'chinese restroom!'

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: JustWondering
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 03:53 AM

Where I live, the locals dont have a cough, but trouble with their larnyx. To soothe it, they take Bambagillia (Balm of Gilliad)

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: fogie
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 04:31 AM

My daughter couldnt say yogourt, and always asked for logic- best I could come up with.

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: pavane
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 04:42 AM

I seem to remember that there are some malapropisms in one of the Buonaparte songs - but I can't remember which one. Possibly 'Grand conversation on Napoleon'

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: GUEST,Oakley
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 06:19 AM

Whilst engaged in Neighbourhood Watch duties, I was approached by a very sweet old lady who went into lurid and frankly, unnecessary detail about some dirty bastard who used her handrail as a straining bar, whilst depositing an offensive pile of foetus on her front step.

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 06:46 AM

One of my nephews was identifying plants in the garden during a family get together, and identified some as "Quims"

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: GUEST,Oakley
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 08:19 AM

I also had the pleasure of working for a guy, whose linguistic prowess was legendary. Of particulat merit were the "neurotic dancers" he once saw in a London club.

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: GUEST,Ballyholme
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 09:14 AM

When my mother visits from Ireland she often complained of having "jet leg". It doesn't stop there - artificial fur coats become "stimulated fur".

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Mr Happy
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 10:38 AM

when i was at college, a fellow student told me he'd received an 'accolloid' for his last piece of work.

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: DMcG
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 10:44 AM

When we were in Wales a few years back, my wife wanted to go and see the oracle racing. (coracle)

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Bill D
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 12:13 PM

these are funny, but there are WAY too many people out there saying that they have saved some 'momentos'.

I worry about what all this indicates about how some people hear & listen & process language.

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Ebbie
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 01:17 PM

And 'pronounciation'!

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: GUEST,Ballyholme
Date: 18 Jul 02 - 01:29 PM

Oh, yes, and with my mother a condo becomes a "condom".

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: fat B****rd
Date: 20 Jul 02 - 11:54 AM

Don't forget G. Dubbya's "nucular" weapons. Not to mention "Angular" television featuring "Rhinostroses" and "Sustificates"

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: RangerSteve
Date: 20 Jul 02 - 04:40 PM

I heard on a police radio, an officer informing his headquarters that he was pulling a woman over for erotic driving.

A friend's employee told him about a trip to the Vatican, where he saw the sixteenth chapel.

There are also an endless number of senior citizens who have prostrate cancer. I guess that means the cancer is just lying there.

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: Mr Happy
Date: 21 Aug 02 - 10:38 AM

my good friend Anne was telling me about her youngest son's latest gaffe.

the bits of bread she'd put out on the bird table had been disappearing rapidly over the past few days.

she told me Chris had said 'mum, the pine cones have been eating all the bread!'

in astonished she asked what he meant- turned out he meant 'magpies'. i lol!

he asks 'well, what are pine cones?'

anne says 'they're the little round things you paint silver & gold at xmas to put on the xmas tree

Subject: RE: BS: malapropisms
From: GUEST,Fred Miller
Date: 21 Aug 02 - 11:27 AM

My aunt habitually is offended by things she thinks she hears--in an Elton John song called there's a line --Feel their gentle touch--she hears as Feel their genitals. The things they say on the radio!

I've heard of prostrate cancer but I thought you'd be okay if you didn't lie down.

A sales manager I knew used to make double entendres so often, I can't remember them all, except the day he told Susan he wanted to use her on the floor. Susan told me she had been a Literal Arts major. I hope to someday achieve a triple entendre, maybe with a half twist.

Garrison Keilor once did a bit about how men don't know the word depilatory, hair removal. A friend of mine didn't know it, but had heard of electrolysis, and with that in mind, asked his wife if she knew it. She said she thought it was that thing they do rectally, which seemed to him a drastic, rather indirect way to go about removing unwanted hair with electricity. She was thinking of suppository. We used to have to do those suppository writing assignments for English class.

Another friend says tenant for tenet, as in, the basic tenants of the constitution.