BS: I'm not here, leave a message?

Subject: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Madam Gashee
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 05:05 AM

There's some really clever answer phone messages out there.
What does your's say about you?

My brother recently recorded

I might be here right now but I'm trying to avoid someone.
Leave a message and if I don't get back to you , you'll know it's you!

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: kendall
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 05:20 AM

I made up my own; "Hello, if you are selling something, press one, if I owe you money, press two, otherwise leave me a message and I'll call you back."

I've actually had people ask what would have happened had they done so!

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: DMcG
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 05:24 AM

My nephew set up an answerphone message that said "Hello .... Hello? .... Is anyone there? ... Can you speak up its a bad line..."

He wasn't popular!

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Chip2447
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 05:25 AM

Hi, it's Chip and I cant come to the phone,
I'll call you back when I'm alone.
To keep your shit outta the Twilght Zone,
Leave it when you hear the tone...

That was waaaaay back before caller Id and voice mail. Now I just look at the little box and generally ignore the call, private, unavailable, out of area, are perfect ways for me to talk to you...NOT!!!

Chip2447

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Madam Gashee
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 05:28 AM

Good One Kendall!
Love 'em. Keep them rollin'

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: GUEST,MC Fat
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 05:33 AM

Mike Elliott a comedian/actor/radio presenter/folk singer from the North East of England had a great message it ran: Hello it's Norman the Burglar here. I'm just in that Mike Elliott's gaff 'aving a quick butcher's hook to see if there's anyfink worth nicking. You can leave a message but he might not get it cos I might have nicked the answerphone.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: ozmacca
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 06:02 AM

I always liked "Hello, there's nobody here right now, and the answerphone is on the blink. This is the fridge speaking. If you'd like to leave a message, please speak slowly and I'll write it down and put it under one of my magnets."

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Skipper Jack
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 06:28 AM

Is that Dublin two, two, one, one, two two?

No this is Dublin double two, double one, double two!

I'm sorry to have troubled you.

It was no trouble! The phone was ringing anyway!

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Micca
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 06:38 AM

A friend who didnt like answerphones used to leave messages like another answer phone, so it sounded like your answerer was ringing others!! After the tone you would get" This is freds answering machine he isnt available just now please leave a message after the tone!!!! beep!!!"
He also told me if someone is annoying you with pointless faxes here is what you do, Tape 2 or 3 sheets of A4 paper together at the short edge send the fax without an id sheet then as the leading edge emerges from the fax tape it to the trailing edge ,creating an endless loop of blank paper, which will continue to send until the receiving machine runs ourt of paper

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 07:21 AM

When I was at university our answer phone message was: This is the toaster, everyone's out at the minute, so if you leave a message I'll write on a post-it note, pass it to the cooker who will stick it to the fridge door, Thankyou!

Cat

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: GUEST,vectis
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 08:28 AM

"You know what this is and you know what to do"...

I liked this one it is short and to the point.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Stu
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 08:50 AM

Palaeontologist Bob Bakker has my fave answering machine message:

"Hi, it's Sid the Snake here. I can't get to the phone right now because I've just swallowed a goat, but leave a message after the tone. . . etc"

Ace

stigWeard

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: black walnut
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 09:02 AM

A friend of mine who is a photographer says "I must be in the dark room developing my thoughts....please leave a message".

~b.w.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: katlaughing
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 09:03 AM

My son's used to say You know what the beep is for!

I used to write short poems and back them with music, but I haven't in quite awhile.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Kim C
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 10:44 AM

DMcG, I did that once when I was in college. It made my friends mad so I took it off. But it was kinda fun, in a sinister sort of way.

Our machine now says, "we've done R-U-N-N-O-F-T so please leave a message." :-)

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Sorcha
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 10:52 AM

Hi, you have reached the xxxxers at 555-1212. We will not answer until we hear the sound of your voice. Thank you.

We may or may not answer the phone, so leave a message.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 11:03 AM

Don't suppose you'd have to be told the tune to this one...

Hey ho, nobody home
That's why this damned machine's turned on
If you'd like to leave a message
Do it when you hear the tone
Hey ho, nobody home
Hey ho, nobody home
(Fade out)

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: catspaw49
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 11:46 AM

My favorite:

"It's a machine....Do your thing."

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 12:19 PM

You've reached an answering machine. This is our message, what's yours?

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 12:22 PM

I had a whole series of crazy messages on my old machine and kept changing them, so my friends wouldn't get bored. Some started calling me just to hear the latest message, since I would change them every week or so. One involved Tarzan and Jane and Cheetah (with authentic chimpanzee hoots and screeches). One involved Inspector Clouseau and Kato in a big karate fight. One involved Sir Snidely Tillinghast on an expedition in the Himalayas, about to snap a photo of the abominable snowman.

The most annoying one of all involved your typical Canadian hoser. It went something like this:

RING! RING! ...Oh, hi...it's, like, me, eh? But I'm not here, eh? Well, actually I am, like, here, eh? But I...like...well, I won't be here when you hear this eh? At least I don't think so... It's like a machine, eh? I mean, I know this sounds like me, and it is me, but it won't be me when you, like, hear it eh, cos it's just a recording of me on this machine, eh? It's an answering machine. So, like, if you wanta get in touch with me, you can, like, wait until the beep, eh? The beep comes after this message, so just wait... So anyway, when you hear the beep you can, like, leave YOUR message and I will play it back later, eh? And then I will maybe call you. Okay, so...are you ready??? Okay, well here comes the beep... BEEP!

I don't think anyone ever listened to the whole thing, except for my friend Mike Latter. He goodnaturedly told me to "F" off. Come to think of it, that one was really good for screening out the people who aren't really all that serious about leaving a message in the first place.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Trevor
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 12:31 PM

My son's has a pause after the 'Hello' so that it sounds like he's in. Annoying or what.

I once phoned a colleague's home number, waited for the second ring and then transferred it to her desk so that when she picked her phone up she heard her answering machine calling her. She was a bit confused!

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 01:22 PM

Regarding the FAX machine, I recommend the same technique with BLACK paper.

Printing continuous black pages deplete the toner also. If you are lucking it will also burn-out the recipient's machine from too much heat.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 01:26 PM

I use: We are sorry, the number you have reached IS, connected, please check the number and if you are dialing correctly.

Friends know that it is bogus and will leave a message. Telephone salespeople hang up and remove the number from thier calling lists.

Sincerely,
Gargoyle

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Morticia
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 01:32 PM

I used to have one that I did in Marvin- like( the paranoid android)tones which went something like..."They're not in, you can leave a message with me though...they never take me anywhere...Oh, I've asked, pleaded, begged even...but no(sigh), I just get to answer the phone when they're out...probably having fun (sigh)...without me."

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Blackcatter
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 01:55 PM

Greetings all,

"Hi, you have reached 555-1212 - speak."

In response to this most people either barked into the phone.

"Hi, you have reached 555-1212 - Say the secret word and win a hundred dollars. It's a common word, a word you hear every day"

This was my tribute to Groucho and I had even friends try to guess the word.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: kendall
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 03:00 PM

Hello, this is a machine. You must have more than a teaspoon full of brains to operate it. If you don't, hang up, if you do...GO!

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Crane Driver
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 03:44 PM

Hi - I am in, but I can't find the phone - talk VERY LOUDLY til I locate it.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Steve-o
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 06:20 PM

I've done a wonderfully dry Talking Blues for my message- Can't tell it to you, or you'd steal it!

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 06:30 PM

Have Your Machine Call My Machine Sometime

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Mr Red
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 08:18 PM

mine sings to you

If I was here I'd Talk to you, or sing a little song
but as I'm not, this is all you've got,
so leave your message short or long.

those wot don't know me, know theve got a wrong number!

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 08:29 PM

mine says

"I'm not in, ring me again when I get in.

John

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Blackcatter
Date: 09 Aug 02 - 01:31 AM

A friend of mine had the typical - you have reached - we're not home, etc., but what made it hillarious was that he had his wife press the record button and he yelled at the machine from clear across a large livingroom - 30 feet, at least. He was clearly yelling for the message, but it wasn't really loud when you listened to it.

I got so as I'd leave a message be yelling, while holding the phone behind my back.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Jock Morris
Date: 09 Aug 02 - 03:32 AM

My current message is:

I'm sorry but the Kinky Capers Sex Shop has ceased trading, but if you leave your name and number the vice squad will be in touch.

Tends to work well for screening out the time wasters:-)

Scott

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: GUEST,Argenine
Date: 09 Aug 02 - 04:19 AM

Sung (Tune: Undecided)

"First you call and talk to my machine,
Then I call and talk to yours, I mean
We're unconnected now, so what're ya gonna do?
If ya got a heart and if you're kind,
Leave your number-- I can't read your mind.
We're unconnected now, but soon I'll get back to you."

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Allan Dennehy
Date: 09 Aug 02 - 05:28 AM

Here's my favourite:

Hello this is John...pause...I'm a little busy right now.....but if you leave a message.......I'll try to get back to you as soon as..............possible.

Very ordinary? Yes, except there was heavy machine gun fire and huge explosions going on in the background.

Keepem comin folks.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: lady penelope
Date: 09 Aug 02 - 05:48 AM

My current one is me talking over "the girl from Iponima" in a very cheesy, very fake, californian accent. I like to see it as a test. Anyone who can make it to the end without throwing up wins!

TTFN M'Lady P.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: GUEST,Mikey joe
Date: 09 Aug 02 - 09:13 AM

how about

" My wife and I can't come to the phone right now but if you leave a message we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished...."

Mj

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Aug 02 - 09:57 AM

What is a California accent?

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Firecat
Date: 09 Aug 02 - 10:11 AM

I used to sing Private Number for my mobile's voicemail, but changed it a bit to:-

"I'm sorry you couldn't call me cos I'm at home, but if you could leave your name and message after the tone."

It's a bit boring now, though, cos it's just "Hi, this is Kat. Please leave a message." I'm thinking of changing it to "If you've got something important or interesting to say, the beep is your cue, if not hang up now!"

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 09 Aug 02 - 10:15 AM

My answer phone message on my poser phone is a tad rude and very indecent so I have turned my answer phone off incase someone important rings or on the other hand my Dad phones me, could be quite embarrassing. When I did the message I had drank rather a lot of cider. Now I just figured that if the call is important the caller will phone back!!

cat

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Celtic Soul
Date: 09 Aug 02 - 10:23 AM

My ex and I used to do tag team answering machine messages. He began it all with the invention of the invincible "Captain Testosterone". One day, I happened to call our house when out and got our answering machine. It was my first clue that the message was not the normal boring thing. I could not tell you exactly what it said, but it was basically about Cpt. Testy championing poor hen pecked shlubs everywhere.

And so, I invented "Estrogena and her sidekick, the PMS Avenger" (long before the movie "Mystery Men" was ever made). Estrogena fought with words of power like "Take out the TRAAAAAASH". It was an ongoing serial, and we had to really rush through our scripts, because in that day (early 90's) the message tapes had a certain capacity. We had friends and family calling just to hear what the weeks message would be.

Wish I still had those scripts. They were a hoot.

Then there was the following:

Done with Gypsy Kings playing in the background, and me doing my best Gypsy accent...

"You have reached the home of ______, and the psychic hotline of Madam Violetta. Yes, yes...You want something...I am getting an impression. Yes, you want to...speak to the people in residence. Let me see if I can reach them. Ah, the veil between your world and theirs is not raising. Yes, I can read your mind. You....wish to leave a message. Now, you must practice your own psychic abilities and figure out what to do next..."BEEP".

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Aug 02 - 12:07 PM

LOL!

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Madam Gashee
Date: 09 Aug 02 - 07:00 PM

I just heard one today.
It started normal

"Sorry we're not in leave a message after the tone....

(then in a loud shouting voice)

Unless You're a double-glazing sale man & you can **** off!"

I laughed so much I rang it again!(how sad is that!)

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Gareth
Date: 09 Aug 02 - 07:16 PM

During the last UK General Election I spent part of my time in one of the Candidates offices on admin duties. Now we were not prepared to waste time, which could be better spent on the streets, answering the phones 7/24.

An answer phone was installed.

One message received - ( Text follows - obscenities removed ) " You ****** ****** ****** - Why is your mesage not in Welsh **** **** &*8*** "

Funny thing, that was in English ! - and of course ANON - It's not just the 'Cat that suffers from Anon Guest.

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Genie
Date: 09 Aug 02 - 10:43 PM

Well, I sometimes (often) sing my recorded messages.  In December (in Portland, OR), I sing:

I'm dashing through the snow
Or sloshing through the rain.
At any rate, I missed your call,
So please call back again.
But I might call you first,
If you'll just tell me how,
So leave a number at the tone,
And "Ho! Ho! Ho!" for now.
 

and in March, it's:

"Me Irish eyes ain't smiling,
Because I missed yer call.
I may be in the tub or fast asleep
Or not home at all,
But if ye'll leave a wee message
At the beep of my machine,
I promise I'll return yer call
Or me Irish eyes ain't green."
 

Genie

PS,
You real Irish folk, yes, I know that's not a parody of a true Irish song.  But I'm a Yank (albeit with a lot of Irish ancestors).

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Micca
Date: 10 Aug 02 - 06:47 AM

so Genie, you are just a Genie US?? :o)

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: bbc
Date: 10 Aug 02 - 09:01 AM

"You have reached (phone number). We screen our calls, so please leave a brief message. Thank you."

No personal information & no promises. The phone serves us; we don't serve the phone.

bbc

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Genie
Date: 10 Aug 02 - 02:19 PM

No, Micca, just a frustrated Cole Porter wannabe who's reduced to penning silly answering machine jingles (especially since our Gaelic Goddess, Áine, is ailing and the Mudcat Song Challenge! is kind of on hold for now.)

BTW, there are among my friends and colleagues a few sticks-in-the-mud who complain that the song  du jouris too long (< 20 sec.), especially if they call frequently and "have already heard that one."  However, have you ever timed one of those "standard" messages that you commonly get via the phone company or when you call a business?  It goes something like this (at half-time speed):

"Hello. You've reached [your-family's/business-name here].  No one is available to take your call at the moment, but [we really are sorry to have missed you/really value your business].  At the tone you may leave a brief recorded message and someone will return your call [insert your-family's/business's-callback-criteria here].  Be sure to include your name and a phone number where you can be reached.  After you have recorded your message, please stay on the line for further options."  Then there can be as long as 5 or 6 more seconds of silence before the "beep."
 

So, yeah, there's something to be said for the short and sweet, e.g.,
"Hi, this is Joe's machine.  You know what to do."  But if I have to listen to a message longer than 5 or 10 seconds, I'd much prefer it to be musical, funny, or both.

Genie

BTW, too many to mention, but a lot of you folks have hilarious outgoing voice mail messages!

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Morticia
Date: 10 Aug 02 - 03:50 PM

I used to have a special Xmas one that went
"Hello.You have reached the Bethlehem Motel and Diner.I'm sorry there is no one to take your call but we are having a small emergency out the back in the cow shed.If you are calling for a reservation, I'm afraid there is actually no room at this inn.If you are calling to complain about the light from yonder star,it is not, repeat not,anything to do with us even though it happens to be above the Motel.If you are calling to complain about the livestock/lack of available shepherds/royalty making off with your myrhh,we can only apologise.We expect normal service to be resumed as soon as possible."

It made the children laugh anyway.*BG*

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Peter K (Fionn)
Date: 10 Aug 02 - 07:25 PM

Take care before retaliating to junk faxes along the lines suggested above. Most are designed precisely to provoke a reply ("Should there be more public holidays? Vote YES or NO"). Read the small print, and you'll find your reply is going to a premium-rate number and will be charged at an exhorbitant rate. (If there's no small print, you'll find out later.)

Most of the cost of your call goes straight to the firm running the scam. Many telecoms companies do little to discourage such practices, because their own profits are directly related to call volumes.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: bbc
Date: 10 Aug 02 - 10:28 PM

btw, we have a "no call" list in our state (NY), but it does no good against people asking for charitable contributions or against politicians. Usually, people asking for money prefer to talk to a live person & will pass up the answering machine. A recent pet peeve of mine is that politicians are getting in the habit of leaving lengthy "canned" messages on my machine. Yuck!

bbc

Subject: RE: BS: I'm not here, leave a message?
From: Genie
Date: 11 Aug 02 - 04:05 AM

Another unintended consequence of "cute" messages is illustrated by what's happened to me over the past 72 hours. Apparently some teenagers called my number by mistake and were so tickled by my answering machine that they've left me 12 messagess, usually about 4 back to back, and then another series the next day. This, of course, fills up my voice mail's capacity as well as making me wade through their inane messages.

I can't tell whether they think I'm a stupid senile old lady or they really find my message amusing, but either way they're (literally?) like kids with a new toy.

If they don't burn out on these silly messages soon, I'm going to have to replace my novelty message with a really boring "You've reached 555-5555, please leave a message at the tone," -- at least for a couple of weeks.