I'm Becoming My Father/Mother

Subject: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: Jerry Rasmussen
Date: 18 Sep 03 - 01:19 PM

When I was a teenager, we had an old cast-iron wheeled lawn mower with blades as dull as butter knives. It didn't really mow the lawn... it just temporarily bent the blades of grass. If I'd had a rear view mirror on the handle, I could have seen the blades of grass springing up unscathed, behind me... if they'd had noses, they would have been thumbing them at me. I'd try to outsmart them by doubling back before they had a chance to collect their wits and catch them on the rebound, with minimal success. I remember one day when my Dad came home and yelled at me.. "I thought I told you to mow the lawn!" I answered.. "I did, Dad. I mowed it twice, and you can't even tell the difference!" "When are you going to buy a new lawnmower?" Of course, my Dad insisted that there was nothing wrong with the lawn mower, and we had that lawnmower until he died at 92.

Today, I was out mowing my own lawn. When we bought our house two years ago, I bought a brand new, Sears push mower... not a gas mower... just the lawnmower like I'd dreamed of having when I was a teenager. What I've come to realize is that my grass is as smart as my Father's was. It too feigns death as the lawnmower approaches, only to spring back, fat and sassy after I pass. So, I ended up mowing the lawn twice today, and it still doesn't look good. And then the thought occurred to me.. "Here I am, fifty years later and I'm doing the same damn thing my Father was!" And then it hit me. Maybe I'm becoming my Father! AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

Don't get me wrong... there were things about my Father that I admired, and emulate now. But when I think of all the stuff he used to do that drove me absolutely nuts, the thought of subconsciously becoming more like him was sobering. I had to come in and have a tall glass of ice cold water.

So, I wonder... as you get older, do you find yourself becoming more and more like your Father (or Mother?) This isn't a Father/son, Mother/daughter thing. In many ways, I've become more like my Mother.
She has endless curiosity and is still enthusiastic about trying new things, even at 96. Her whole philosophy of life, and her spirituality are qualities I treasure.

We're not talking all negatives here... like me, I'm sure that you see positive qualities in one of your parents that you are trying to emulate.

But, I've seen the error of my ways. Next Spring, I'm buying a power mower.

Jerry

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: Jerry Rasmussen
Date: 18 Sep 03 - 01:20 PM

Sorry... I meant to make it a BS thread... maybe someone can fix it (or write a song about it..)

Jerry

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: Amos
Date: 18 Sep 03 - 01:29 PM

Jerry -- I use a weedwhacker ('course I have a small lawn, too....) That way if one of those blades tries tojump up and sass me, man, I'm all over it right there and then!! ZAP!!!

As for your thesis, I think what happens is that we take a lot of picturtes of those we see behaving when we are trying to put together our own machinery, and understandably that meansd a lot of pictures of those who raise us. THey make up our personal Book of Strategies to draw on when facing the unknown.   I know I have adopted not just phrases and physical habits buit whole little mental loops from those I saw my Dad using, or at least my impression of what they were.

A

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 18 Sep 03 - 02:27 PM

When you're young the idea of turning into your parents seems completely ridiculous, and not at all welcome. By the time it happens it seems quite a good idea.

I remember after my father died I ran into a friend of his and he said "Your father will never be dead while you're alive", and I felt it as the best compliment I'd had in a long time. But we drove each other crazy more often than not.

But he was a lot better at fixing lawnmowers than I am, though I'm getting better as stuff like that these days.

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 18 Sep 03 - 04:08 PM

I yelled at someone to shut the door today and realised I sounded just like my mother.... I was so relieved - I was afraid that I am turning into the man I wanted to marry.

LTS

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie
Date: 18 Sep 03 - 05:16 PM

My mother is a flighty, sometimes shrewish woman who has a good heart and means well - she just doesn't always get it across in the right way. My father didn't take any crap from anyone - he didn't raise his voice when he got angry, but he was a master at the Evil Eye. Mister says I'm pretty good at it too. Except, I tend to do like Mom and get mad first, ask questions later; but I'm working on that. If I get riled, I try to think what my dad would do. That usually helps.

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: Wesley S
Date: 18 Sep 03 - 05:45 PM

Some of the phrases that come out of my mouth sound just like my parents - esp with a two year old around.

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 Sep 03 - 06:02 PM

Well, I seem to remember the Song "I think I'm turning Japanese"!!!

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: jacqui c
Date: 18 Sep 03 - 06:04 PM

I've told my daughter that, if I get like my mother, she's to shoot me. I can see that I am coming to resemble her physically but do not want to become like her.

I will agree that we build up a picture book based on those that bring us up but I'm afraid, in my case, that the book is basically how not to behave. I think my parents had their own problems but, as children, my brother and I weren't aware of, or capable of understanding and making allowance for that and my mother has, over the years, alienated most of her family.

The problem with coming out with the above is that some people can't believe that one can feel that way about the people who raised you, but there are bad/indifferent parents as well as good ones. It took me a lot of years to get past the guilt but, having raised two of my own who want to spend time with me, I can see the difference that attitude can make.

Still, I wonder if my daughter would shudder at the thought of being like me!

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 18 Sep 03 - 08:11 PM

Go steady, you'll have someones eye out!

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 18 Sep 03 - 08:14 PM

Getting older could make it easier to understand how it was parents might have screwed up, as part of the process of avoiding making the same mistakes.

Plenty of bad parents around, true enough. The amazing thing is so often people get it right, especially when their own parents weren't too satisfactory.

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: Charley Noble
Date: 18 Sep 03 - 08:53 PM

Well, my parents are so old that I'm becoming their father and mother, which on some level is amusing to them after all my years of irresponsibility.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: JennyO
Date: 18 Sep 03 - 10:36 PM

I'm afraid I can relate to your story only too well, jacqui c. I think I even once said the same thing to my children that you did. My dad and my brother were affected by my mother's manipulations and childish spitefulness. No doubt she needed help, but we were too close to the situation to see that she was the one with the problem, and my dad and took on a lot of the guilt she spread around.

My brother's perspective was slightly different, as she chose him to be the favourite, but after a while he found that very claustrophobic, and escaped by leaving the country. He has been living in the UK and France since 1974. Although my mother tried to turn us against each other as children, we are now very close, in spite of the geographical distance, and occasional visits are delightful. It was he who paid for my son to set me up with this computer last November. So her attempts to alienate us from each other did not succeed.

After surviving an abusive marriage, I decided to deal with all my mother issues which were making me act like a victim. I had to do a lot of work on myself over several years to undo the harm, and I thought I had put all that behind me until my last relationship, in which this person was like a reincarnation of my mother, and I found myself responding in a similar way to their attacks, and also in a similar way to how my father reacted. I felt I was in danger of becoming a victim all over again, so I got out of it, thank goodness.

I now have a very good close relationship with my children, who also copped a lot of nastiness from my mother before she died. The biggest compliment they can give me is that I am "nothing like grandma". It seems sad, but some people are just poisonous. I just need to learn to stay away from them.

I seem to be doing very well in that department right now, as my new relationship with a very sweet generous person is everything I could want it to be. The ex is still hovering about (in the same folk scene unfortunately) trying to do harm, but that is not going to be allowed.

Although I allowed myself to become a victim like my father in the past, on the other hand, I can see signs of him in my sense of humour and love of reciting funny poetry, and in the love of music. So I just take the good bits and leave the rest. Come to think of it, my present love reminds me a lot of my dad. Life's a funny thing!

Jenny

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: Bert
Date: 18 Sep 03 - 10:45 PM

I can see it when I work. The way I hold things and move my hands is just like Dad, which is not surprising seeing as he taught me.

By the way, those lawnmowers don't work because the rollers in front flatten the grass so that the mower can't get to it. Replace them with a couple of thin wheels and it will work just fine. And to sharpen the buggers you put valve grinding paste on the blades and run them backwards. Just make sure you clean it ALL off afterwards.

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: AliUK
Date: 19 Sep 03 - 12:02 AM

hmmmm....
this sounds like a psych session. My parents have succeded in alienating my brother and I. Through their manipulations (mostly mother´s) and favouritism, my brother and I haven´t spoken to each other for the better part of three years. Which is sad because I really love my niece. When someone says to me that I am looking like my father, it´s a sure fire way to get my hackles up. I often dream of a dad with whom I could confide and share experiences, and I envy those whose father´s are remembered with fondness. My father is still alive and I see him and my mother occasionally, I do the dutiful son shit and get it over with as quickly as possible, but I consciously go out of my way not to be like them and have done most of my life.
:o(

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: Jerry Rasmussen
Date: 19 Sep 03 - 12:50 PM

I guess it all depends on how good a parent your Mother or Father was/is. In some cases, a lousy parent can be a good influence just because you see how destructive their way of life is and are determined not to repeat their mistakes. But, even the seemingly worthless parents aren't without some redeeming features. And the best of parents can get on your nerves. I think the best way to understand your parents is to become one (and then pray that your kids will forgive you for all the ways you've messed up.)

Jerry

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: RichM
Date: 19 Sep 03 - 01:07 PM

Several years ago, I replaced the ancient electric mower with a brand new push mower--to get some exercise, get rid of the noisy electric, and perhaps indulge some nostalgia for old times...Did that for one year, bought a new electric mower this year, and plan to hire someone to cut the lawn next year.

So I figure the push mower was a good investment--it taught me that I should spend more time on making music instead of hay.

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: GUEST,Wolfgang
Date: 19 Sep 03 - 04:33 PM

Yes, I'm becoming as my father the older I get the more. I don't imitate, I just become like him, even down to simple movements like standing up from sitting in a chair.

Wolfgang

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: RangerSteve
Date: 19 Sep 03 - 05:57 PM

As far as lawn mowers are concerned, I'm as far from my dad as possible. Not only did we have a push mower, but he wouldn't even spring for a bag to collect the grass. We had to rake up the grass afterward. I now own a gas mower that pulls itself along, you just have to walk behind it and steer it. I'd have a riding mower if I had the money.

I'm not nearly as cynical as he was, but I'm close, but it was life in general that made me that way, not my father.

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: Deckman
Date: 19 Sep 03 - 06:36 PM

Doggone it Jerry ... here you go AGAIN, starting yet another thought provoking thread! When are you going to stop this nonesense?

I have already read several thoughtful and introspective postings. Quite well stated. And, as you said, it kinda depends on what kind of parents you had. You know, parents can come in "kinds," good, bad, indifferent, poorly, etc.

In my own case, speaking to my Father only, I do notice that am becoming more and more like him, and I consider that a real plus. He was a dear and kind man.

My children point this out to me occasionally. They mention the way I tell stories to make a point, as Dad did. They mention that when I lose my temper and start to cuss, I cuss in Finnish! They mention that I find the humor in the most mundane things.

As to your lawn mowing task, I relate to it well. CHEERS and thanks for starting this thread. Bob

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: Jerry Rasmussen
Date: 19 Sep 03 - 10:31 PM

Hi, Bob:

Looking to the next generation, I notice that my oldest son has developed a gift for embellished story-telling. He gets that mostly from me, but also from my Father, who loved to tell stories. Sometimes so convincingly that I believed them. Only my Father would have went sparrow hunting in a horse barn with a baseball bat, with one of his buddy's and then tried to clean sparrows and roast them on a stick over an open fire. How much (if any) of that actually happened is almost beside the point. Just the imagery of my Dad as a young kid taking swings at sparrows flying through the dust beams of sunlight in a horse barn and then trying to take the feathers off of a sparrow and roast it on a stick is worth remembering. My oldest son talks about his great camping adventures (not counting sleeping out in the back yard once until it got dark, I think he camped out twice in his life) with bears (or was it beers, John9?) crashing through the underbrush? In an area where the last bear was spotted in 1847.

If you tell the most hair-brained stories with conviction and sincerity, you can get people to believe almost anything...

I roasted dead rats on a stick over an open fire once(honest truth.)
Don't try this at home. They explode. Forwarned is forarmed. Ot at least two armed.

Jerry

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: Gypsy
Date: 19 Sep 03 - 11:32 PM

I don't mind morphing into my mother.........she is a terrific woman, and still a joy to me. the classic case of channeling my mother: Was managing a large gallery, when i heard a new hire talking to a veteran employee. Who told the new hire, "whatever you do, NEVER tell Gypsy that you are bored.......she will feel "sorry" for you, and find you something to do! Had no idea that i emulated my mother so much! On the other hand, i don't recall ever being bored as a child, or even as a teenager.

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: Charley Noble
Date: 20 Sep 03 - 06:29 PM

Jerry-

Those weren't sparrows your father was batting away at. They were more likely barn swallows. Never thought to pluck them and roast 'em up, but we did go after cow birds with our BB guns.

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: Amos
Date: 20 Sep 03 - 07:14 PM

Jerry:

I believe you mean "hare-brained" !! lol!!

As for your firstborn boy,sounds like he's got what it takes to go to the White House....


A

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 21 Sep 03 - 05:17 AM

"Hair-brained" is an accepted alternative. Two theories about what it means, to go with the two spellings.

"Hare-brained" is because you act like a March Hare, when they get a bit over-lively,or at least the gentlemen-hares do, because they are trying to impress the lady-hares.

"Hair-brained" would be acting as if your brains had been replaced by hair, like a stuffed horsehair cushion.

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 21 Sep 03 - 11:45 PM

I remember as a kid that my grandfather's push mower worked like a charm, but not as well on couch grass. It worked really well on that ttype grass that we used to have everywhere in Aus, that was a broad leaf grass.

After he died and thus stopped keeping it in good shape, it never worked as well. You have to have the gap between the barrel blades and the fixed one just right.

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: C-flat
Date: 22 Sep 03 - 01:08 PM

Although trying desperately to NOT become my father, who wouldn't know his own grandkids if he tripped over them, I have discovered an alarming similarity in my own facial expressions and other mannerisms.
I caught sight of myself, the other day, as I was unpacking a new toy for my daughter, one of those toys that leave all the assembly to you, including the stickers (some prick in product development who hasn't got any kids decided that this would be part of the fun of owning a pink-plastic-glittergel-centre from Barbie) and I noticed how I looked both annoyed, baffled and stupid as I strained to see through the glasses that had slipped down my wrinkled-up nose in an attempt to make sense of the non-sensical instruction leaflet.
It was during the "Insert the compressor assembly until the "O" ring of the compressor almost fits into the top of the gel container, turn the entire unit upside down and hold at an angle while the gel dribbles down the front of your shirt..." part of the proceedure that I spotted my fathers' reflection in the glass cabinet in the corner of the room.
It was him alright, same paunchy face, screwed-up mean-looking eyes, with that same old what-kind-of-rubbish-is-this expression that I remembered so well from when I used to try to play one of my LP records at home.
It stopped me in my tracks, just like the needle arm being dragged off Sgt.Peppers!
Is this what I've become?!?!?!?!
And then I realised that my dad never helped me to play with my toys or choose to spend his Saturday afternoons with me when there was a football match on TV.
It wasn't him! Just someone who looked an awful lot like him.
Thank God!

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: Jerry Rasmussen
Date: 22 Sep 03 - 02:38 PM

Great moment of reflection, C-Flat. I have to laugh at my oldest son, Gideon. I know that my sons went crazy when they'd ask me if they could do something, and I'd say, "We'll see." I learned from experience that if I said... "yeah, I'll take you to see Star Wars tomorrow night" and I was flat on my back in the emergency room when it was movie time, and it was obvious that I couldn't take them, they'd still say, "But Dad, You PROMISED!" wringing every ounce of guilt out of that word. So, I learned to say "we'll see." When Gideon would say, "That's not an answer at all! What does THAT mean?!," I'd answer, "It means what it means... we'll see." That used to drive him nuts.

Now, Gideon has a 7 year old daughter and a five year old son, and I have to laugh when we're with them, and they ask him if they can do something and he says "We'll see," and then blinks his eye at me, and says, "See, I learned how to do it, too.."

Jerry

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: open mike
Date: 22 Sep 03 - 09:02 PM

someone already did write a song--
and i have the t-shirt. Greg Brown
talks about meeting his father in
the air port and discovering they
were wearing the "Same Damned Hat"
there is a line in one of his songs
that says "we're a cross between our
parents and some hippies in a tent"
and he has anbother line about "just
station wagons..."

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: Charley Noble
Date: 22 Sep 03 - 09:59 PM

Damn- now Mudcat is growing old, forgetting my brilliant postings about BLACK OUT CURTAINS, SERVICE IN THE GROUND OBSERVOR CORPS, and other great memories.

Grumph,
FOX TROT POPPA 1-4 BLACK

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: Hrothgar
Date: 23 Sep 03 - 05:19 AM

People tell me that I am like my maternal grandfather - appearance, mannerisms, habits, the works.

Is this getting too complicated?

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 23 Sep 03 - 12:27 PM

I don't recall seeing my father much whilst I was growing up. He'd leave the house an hour before we got up, and return home 12 hours later, just as we were being put to bed (6.00pm, every night until I was 12, whether it was summer or winter, whether we were sleepy or not), and at weekends he would be in the shed or at the allotment garden. The only time he spent in the house was mealtimes or after 6.00pm on Saturdays, and Sunday afternoon in front of the TV watching 'The Big Match' through closed eyes. Woe betide us if we tried to turn the station over even if he was snoring. He had a sort of 6th sense that knew when we were near the TV and he would wake up bellowing at us not to touch it.

I spent more time with him after I was 9, but then he was a different man. My brother was killed, my mother became disabled after a fall down the stairs and he had to do the heavier work. Saturday morning was always shopping, Saturday afternoon was the allotment. Sunday mornings I'd be in church whilst he cooked and Sunday afternoon was 'going out for a drive' - we hardly ever went anywhere with a purpose - just 'out for a drive'.

I thank every deity you care to mention that I'm not turning into the man he became!

I also thank a few deities that Manitas isn't like him either... he spends a lot of time with Bratling - which is good because I have the maternal instinct of a cuckoo!

LTS

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 24 Sep 03 - 04:22 AM

People keep saying "You're just like your father" which does worry me!!
At what stage do we suddenly become the parent to our parents, worrying about where they are, what they are doing, telling them to clean their room, not to have the tv on so loud, not to stay up so late, not to drink too much! Why don't they phone....

RtS

Subject: RE: I'm Becoming My Father/Mother
From: jacqui.c
Date: 24 Sep 03 - 04:26 AM

I'm there now with my daughter. I go to stay for the weekend in Newark, about 100 miles up the A1 from me, and she ALWAYS says "Drive safely and ring me when you get home". If I don't ring she rings me to check I'm home OK.

When I split from my ex and bought my own house she got a friend to visit and report back on what the place was like, in case I'd been iresponsible in my purchase. I'm 56 and she's 34. What's it going to be like in 20 years time??? Do I emigrate now?