Songs with advice that is no help

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 16 Dec 14 - 05:49 PM

"Dear Abby" - John Prine
"Don't Take Your Guns to Town" - John R Cash
"On Top of Old Smokey"

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Dec 14 - 04:19 PM

I am pretty sure that cigareets and whiskey and wild wild women don't drive you insane.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Genie
Date: 16 Dec 14 - 03:56 PM

"Climb Every Mountain,
ford every stream,
follow every rainbow ..."

May sound like great advice and inspirational, but awfully hard advice to follow.


Then there's "Man Piaba," which gives such helpful advice on (education about) "the bird and bee" as:
"the ton-ton coral buckle lemon grass"
and "the famous granny scratch-scratch."


Or the Beatles' advice which might lead to your being arrested for kidnaping:
"Hey, you've got to hide your love away."
(Guess it could depend on where you hid him/her.)

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Acorn4
Date: 15 Dec 14 - 06:52 PM

"Walk tall, walk straight and look the world right in the eye"

Sounds like a guaranteed way to get punched ?

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Cool Beans
Date: 15 Dec 14 - 05:52 PM

You can't roller skate in a buffalo herd. As if anyone would ever try. (And I don't care what a buffalo heard. I have no secrets from a buffalo.)

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: PHJim
Date: 15 Dec 14 - 10:01 AM

"Don't come home a-drinkin' with lovin' on your mind."


Oh wait...that is pretty helpful.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Dec 14 - 08:39 AM

'When you're drunk you should go to bed...'[K.Richards, 'The Spider to the Fly'], How's that for irony ? We love you Keef !

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: PHJim
Date: 15 Dec 14 - 12:54 AM

The Doc Watson & Son record has a song called The Dream Of The Miner's Child:

A miner was leavin' his home for his work
He heard his little child scream
He went to the side of his little girl's bed
Oh, daddy, I've had such a dream

Oh, daddy my daddy, oh don't go away
For dreams have so often come true
Oh, daddy my daddy, oh don't go away
I never could live without you

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Dec 14 - 10:46 PM

I've heard a few verses about always wearing clean underwear so you won't be run over by a bus.

On occasions when I didn't, I wasn't, so probably qualifies as advice of little use...

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: JennyO
Date: 14 Dec 14 - 01:25 AM

"Don't go out tonight dear father
Think oh think how sad twill be
When the angels come for mother
Father won't be there to see
Tell me that you love dear mother
Lying in that cold cold room
You don't love your comrades better
Cursing there in that saloon
Oh dear father do not leave us
Don't refuse this once I pray
When the angels come to take her
Father won't be there to see"

Not much use to me, this one.

A bunch of us at the Bridgwater Arts Centre joined Jon Boden doing this song for his Folk Song a Day project back in 2011.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 Dec 14 - 06:33 PM

Black belt reminds me of the more broadly informative

Guide to Living (TTTO "Cwm Rhondda")

You must eat when you are hungry.
You must drink when you are dry.
You must rest when you are weary.
Don't stop breathing, or you'll die.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: frogprince
Date: 09 Dec 14 - 07:01 PM

Then again, good advice doesn't help if you ignore it:
"Don't take you guns to town".

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 09 Dec 14 - 06:33 PM

The ballad of Lumley Kettlewell concludes with the advice "you die unless you eat".

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: PHJim
Date: 09 Dec 14 - 10:13 AM

Rattlesnake Mountain is the story of a young man who goes out to mow his field and is bitten by a rattlesnake. His gal tries to save him by sucking the poison blood out of his wound, but she has a rotten tooth and they bot die. The final verse gives the moral (advice):

Now all young lee-wye-lovers a warning tee-wye-take
From Sally bee-wye-Bland and Johnny bee-wye-Blake,
And mind when you're in lee-wye-love don't pee-wye-pass
Too close to pee-wye-patches of high gee-wye-grass,
To my roo-dye, roo-dye, roo.

I have always tried to live my life by that advice.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: banjoman
Date: 09 Dec 14 - 05:26 AM

"Don't jump off the roof Dad"

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: JennieG
Date: 08 Dec 14 - 07:21 PM

"Let a smile be your umbrella"......all right, I'll buy it. Just how is one supposed to do that?

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST,DTM
Date: 08 Dec 14 - 06:25 PM

"If I Were a Carpenter" - Bobby Darin
Yeah, like Karen & Richard were going to let him just waltz into the group.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Jack Campin
Date: 08 Dec 14 - 05:16 PM

I think Leeneia pointed out this one from a well-known hymn:

"Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart".

You're offering advice to God. Not a great idea.

And what are you asking him to do? Take your eyeballs and act as your guide dog?

Followed by:

"Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art"

which even the Almighty would have problems making sense of.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: cetmst
Date: 08 Dec 14 - 07:12 AM

Don't go in the lion's cage tonight, mother.

Is good advice taken badly bad advice?

Subject: Lyr Add: GOOD ADVICE (Allan Sherman)
From: GUEST,Gerry
Date: 07 Dec 14 - 08:07 PM

You can hear this recording at YouTube:

GOOD ADVICE
Allan Sherman
As recorded by Allan Sherman on "Allan in Wonderland" (1964)

1. I know a man named Otis who invented a room,
And his heart was filled with pride.
I said to Mr. Otis, "What does your room do?"
He said, "It goes from side to side."
So I said, "Mr. Otis, if you take my advice,
You'll be the richest man in town.
You gotta take that room that goes from side to side,
And make it go up and down."

And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.
I sincerely doubt
That the world could do without
My good advice.

2. Sir Isaac Newton came around to my house one day.
His face was all sunburned and red.
He said he didn't want to sleep in the shade of a tree,
Because an apple might fall on his head.
I said, "Sir Isaac, you dumbbell, take my advice.
Go right back there and sleep beneath that tree.
And if you let that rotten apple fall down on your head,
Why you'll discover gravity."

And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.
The world's a better place,
Since I gave the human race
My good advice.

3. A man named Mr. Waterman invented a tube.
He was sad because it sprung a little leak.
He said, "Darn it, when I hold my tube on a piece of paper,
The ink leaks out and makes a little streak."
He said, "I've gotta find a way to stop that leak.
I'll start working on my leak-proof tube again."
I said, "Waterman, you idiot, don't stop that leak.
You just invented a fountain pen."

And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.
I'm so worldly wise,
I should get the Nobel Prize,
For good advice.

4. Good old Henry Ford, he was a hardworking man.
He worked all night and all day.
I said, "Henry, watcha doin'?" And Henry, he said,
"I'm inventing the Chevrolet."
He said, "I've already built twenty-five models,
One for each letter from A to Z."
I said, "Henry, you fool, there are twenty-six letters in the alphabet.
He said, "Good heavens, I forgot the Model T."

And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.
It's fruitful as can be,
And it's absolutely free.
My good advice.

5. Wilbur and Orville were two brothers named Wright.
The nicest pair of kids you've ever seen.
They worked twelve years on a secret project.
They thought it was a washing machine.
I said, "Fellas, what are all those wings for?"
They said, "For hanging clothes out to dry."
I said, "You fools, take that washing machine out to Kitty Hawk,
And see if the darn thing'll fly."

And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.
I'm so smart that I'm
Gonna win a Guggenheim,
For good advice.

(One more time)

6. Benjamin Franklin was a charming old man,
He was always flying his kite.
One night I said, "Benjy, why ain't you out with your kite?"
He said, "Because it's raining tonight."
I said, "Benjy, sweety, you go right back out there,
And to your kite string tie a key.
This may shock you, Benjy my boy,
But that's electricity."

And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.
I'll remodel you
If you'll only listen to
My good advice.

7. Ooka Magook was a Neanderthal man,
A very poorly educated soul.
He had a great big square thing made of solid stone,
And in the middle of it was a hole.
One day he had to go from his cave in Natchez
To his uncle's cave in Mobile.
I said, "Round off those corners and buy a set of tires,
And Ooky baby, that's a wheel."

And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.
Harvard offered me
A Phi Beta Kappa key
For good advice.

8. Sigmund Freud, he had an unfurnished house.
He was a very nosy fellow, so it seems.
He had no chairs, so he made all his friends stand around all day,
And tell him all their secrets and their dreams.
Well, while they stood there talking 'till they got fallen arches,
They yelled, "My feet are killing me. Ouch!"
I said, "Sigmund, don't you realize you've got a gold mine here.
Go out and buy yourself a leather couch."

And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.
Every word you're told
Will be 18 karat gold,
That's good advice.

9. Alexander Graham Bell was building a fence
With some wood, and a long piece of wire.
He said, "There's something strange going on around here.
I keep hearing the voice of Uncle Meyer."
I said, "Mr. Graham Cracker," (that was my little joke)
"With that wire, you got the world in your power.
Just get a mouthpiece, and an earpiece, and a piece in between,
And you'll sponsor The Telephone Hour."

And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.
Every word ya hear
Is the message of the year,
It's good advice.

10. Christopher Columbus was a seaman second class
When I told him that the Indies could be found
By sailing to the West instead of sailing to the East.
I advised him that I thought the world was round.
(I really thought so.)
And then I sent him down to ask good Queen Isabella
To pawn her jewels for all their worth.
Next day he set sail, and as everyone knows,
He fell off the edge of the Earth.

And that was bad advice, bad advice.
Bad advice is just the same as good advice.
Everybody makes
Occasional mistakes,
And that was bad advice.


Found at http://dmdb.org/lyrics/sherman.wonderland.html#10

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Dec 14 - 07:54 PM

Joybell, this is a very late answer to your question, but the
way to make italics is to precede the to-be-italicized text
with the letter i, enclosed in pointy angle brackets, and follow
the text with a slash and the i in the pointy brackets.

Because doing it correctly on my screen would make those instructions
disappear, just for illustration I will use the open and close
parenthetical curves here. "(i)ITALICS(/I)" You would use the pointy angles instead.

To make BOLD text, you use the letter B within the brackets,
rather than "i".

To make underlined text, use "u".

There are a number of similar tricks for other effects.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST,Rahere
Date: 07 Dec 14 - 07:11 PM

Maids, when you're young, never wed an old man...

From most correspondents here

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Airymouse
Date: 07 Dec 14 - 06:55 PM

Some were at the cards and some were at the dice
And some stood around just giving good advice
As he sank her in the low lands low
As he sank her in the lowland sea

Subject: Lyr Add: ALWAYS KEEP AN EDGE ON YOUR KNIFE (C Lund
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 07 Dec 14 - 02:36 PM

You can hear this at YouTube.


ALWAYS KEEP AN EDGE ON YOUR KNIFE
As recorded by Corb Lund on "Hair in My Eyes like a Highland Steer"

Don't ever put your hat on the bed, son.
Never put your hat on the bed,
'Cause if your hat's on the bed,
You might wake up dead,
So don't you never put your hat on the bed.

But if you do, be sure it's upside down, son.
If you do, be sure it's upside down,
'Cause if there's any doubt,
It keeps the luck from runnin' out,
So if you do, be sure it's upside down.

Never throw a match when it's dry, son.
Never throw a match when it's dry.
Don't you never throw a match,
'Cause the grass might catch,
And burn three counties when it's dry.

And always keep an edge on your knife, son.
Always keep an edge on your knife,
'Cause a good sharp edge
Is a man's best hedge
Against the vague uncertainties of life.
Yes, a good sharp edge
Is a man's best hedge
Against the uncertain vagaries of life.

But I never could sharpen no knife
Like the one who give the advice.
Yodel-ay-hee, yodel-ay-hee, yodel-oo.

Well, never sell the old twenty-two, son.
Never sell the old twenty-two,
'Cause the old twenty-two
Shot a gopher or two,
So don't you never sell the old twenty-two.

But aim it to the left a little low, son.
Aim it to the left a little low,
'Cause the old iron sight
Fires high and to the right,
So aim it to the left a little low.

And always tip the glass when you pour, son.
Always tip the glass when you pour,
'Cause if you don't tip the glass,
Then the foam it comes fast
And runs from the table to the floor.

And always keep an edge on your knife, son.
Always keep an edge on your knife,
'Cause a good sharp edge
Is a man's best hedge
Against the vague uncertainties of life.
Yes, a good sharp edge
Is a man's best hedge
Against the uncertain vagaries of life.

But I never could sharpen no knife
Like the one who give the advice.
Yodel-ay-hee, yodel-ay-hee, yodel-oo.

Well, be sure to put your horse away dry, son.
Be sure to put your horse away dry,
'Cause a hot wet horse
Ain't healthy, of course,
So be sure to put your horse away dry.

And be sure to thaw the bit when it's cold, son.
Be sure to thaw the bit when it's cold,
'Cause if you don't thaw the bit,
Then your pony's tongue sticks
To the frozen metal bridle when it's cold.

Never judge a man by his clothes, son,
Never judge a man by his clothes.
You got to look through the dirt
And, Lord, judge him by his work,
So don't you never judge a man by his clothes.

And always keep an edge on your knife, son.
Always keep an edge on your knife,
'Cause a good sharp edge
Is a man's best hedge
Against the vague uncertainties of life.
Yes, a good sharp edge
Is a man's best hedge
Against the uncertain vagaries of life.

But I never could sharpen no knife
Like the one who give the advice.
Yodel-ay-hee, yodel-ay-hee, yodel-oo.
And I never could sharpen no blade
Quite the way he sayed.
Yodel-ay-hee, yodel-ay-hee, yodel-oo.
[more yodeling]

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 05:48 PM

Get an ugly girl to marry you.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 05:46 PM

#GUEST who has another 2 verses - yes, I bloody well thought you would!!!

Charley - a marrow bone is pretty hefty, get the neighbours in or the local stray dogs and you've got an untraceable blunt instrument.

Works equally well with a frozen leg of lamb which can then be cooked and disposed of in the same manner. A quaint and thoughtful touch is if you feed it to the investigating officers when they come to ask how the old man karked it.

LTS

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Charley Noble
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 04:58 PM

With regard to "that green willow tree":

The leaves they will wither and turn into dust,
There's not a man in ten thousand that a poor girl can trust.

I was always intrigued with "eggs and marrow bones" as a recipee for making old men blind but the song does go on to recommend that "if you (really) want to do him in, sneak up from behind," presumably with some heavy blunt object.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Joybell
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 04:16 AM

Oh yes I remember when you could get a halfpenny's worth of mixed lollies. Or a little iceblock in a cone. I can't believe I'm saying this, but truly I can!

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST,Nigel
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 04:12 AM

"Keep your hand on your ha'penny"

Incomprehensible to the youth of today (€0.5 perhaps?)

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Joybell
Date: 16 Oct 03 - 04:00 AM

Oh No! not the Texas connection. I love my friends in Texas. Is that Texas USA? or Texas New South Wales?

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST,pdq
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 09:56 PM

You really have to give up those fags, Joybell, and lucifer(s) too. People in Texas will talk.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Joybell
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 07:28 PM

So I suppose you don't remember lucifers either? "While you've a lucifer to light your fag smile boys that's the style!" If you haven't got a lucifer I suppose you're allowed to worry and you can leave your troubles all lying about the place in everyone's way.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST,pdq
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 07:19 PM

Now we need to figure out what a kit-bag is!

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Anarchy
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 07:00 PM

you have to put them in your smile? Do they fit sideways?? *deeply perturbed*

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Joybell
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 06:59 PM

Well I suppose "your old kit-bag and Smile, Smile, Smile"

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST,pdq
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 06:49 PM

I always thought Richard and Mimi's "Pack Up Your Sorrows" sounded like good advice, but it begs the question "in what?"

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 15 Oct 03 - 06:11 PM

WOULD YOU HAVE A YOUNG VIRGIN in the DT, from D'Urfey's "Pills to Purge Melancholy" (c. 1720), gives advice on how to seduce various types of women. (Only the first verse is about virgins.) Unfortunately, I can't vouch for whether the advice is good, since virgins seldom have smickets nowadays.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: annamill
Date: 14 Oct 03 - 10:06 PM

"don't go `round tonight
it's bound to take your life
there's a bad moon on the rise"

What? Cluin, I always thought that was
"there's a bathroom on the right"..

Well, anyway that's what it sound like to me.

;-)

Love, Annamill

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Joybell
Date: 14 Oct 03 - 09:43 PM

Ok Robin, I think you have a good point. Fits well into number one slot. Maybe sharing with keep on the sunny side.
Lady Jean your mother's song is "Bell Bottom Trousers" It is probably good advice although if you are an innocent maid and uneducated about birth control you would need a little more information and a bit less innuendo. Also it may depend on the length of your legs.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 Oct 03 - 09:19 PM

The guy who made "Don't worry, be happy" ended his misery - definitely advice that was of no help. That makes that song probably best contender for No 1... :-)

Robin

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST,Crystal
Date: 14 Oct 03 - 07:54 AM

Then marry him and find a bit on the side!
Sorry Cynicism taking over.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST,KB
Date: 14 Oct 03 - 06:59 AM

"maids when you're young never wed an old man" - yeah, but what if he's rich???

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 14 Oct 03 - 06:48 AM

It's probably nearly always "Don't do as I do - do as I say".

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: Cluin
Date: 14 Oct 03 - 02:10 AM

hope you have got your shit together
hope you are quite prepared to die
looks like we're in for nasty weather
one eye is taken for an eye

don't go `round tonight
it's bound to take your life
there's a bad moon on the rise


Ain't a helluva lot we can do `bout it now, is there?

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: darkriver
Date: 14 Oct 03 - 02:06 AM

Come all ye young maidens, take warning from me

Don't place your affection, on a green, growin' tree...

I guess this would be a subcategory of this song category--the "take warning from me" song--from the "me" who made this here same mistake. Seem to be a lot of those, mostly in the Child ballads or in Appalachian songs.

doug

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Oct 03 - 01:58 AM

LTS...version of Carrickfergus i sing has TWO verses after the drinking line...

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: katlaughing
Date: 14 Oct 03 - 01:45 AM

Don't Worry, Be Happy...

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: LadyJean
Date: 14 Oct 03 - 01:29 AM

My mother used to sing a song that advised "never trust a sailor far above the knee." Which was pretty sound advice.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: GUEST,fishhd44
Date: 13 Oct 03 - 11:19 PM

always thought the Belafonte song...

"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you"

was useless advice and maybe worse,
deliberately bad advice.

Subject: RE: Songs with advice that is no help
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 13 Oct 03 - 10:34 PM

Combine them with her bits... oh sorry, just thinking out loud...

:-)

Robin