BS: Condom brands (UK)

Subject: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: C-flat
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 01:32 PM

Just recieved this in my e-mail and thought I'd share it with you.
Many of these won't be familiar those outside the UK.

Branded Condoms

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same tag-line...

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better


Tesco Condoms - every little helps


Nike Condoms - Just do it.


Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.


Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.


KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.


Minstrels Condoms -melt in your mouth, not in your hands.


Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.


Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.


Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.


Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.


Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop


Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper


Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide


FCUK condoms - no comment required.

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.


Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.


Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long


Renault condoms - size really does matter!


Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin


Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes


Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!! (Please)

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach


Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world

AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service


Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of a animal


Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: alanabit
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 02:49 PM

Are those Polo ones the only ones to get a Vatican endorsement?

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: Peace
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 03:51 PM

Timex: Takes a lickin', keeps on tickin'.

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 06:47 PM

Radio Times: - "If it's on, it's in."
Microsoft: - "Where do you want to go today?"

On the other hand here are a few that might not be too popular:

Volkswagen - "think small"
Kellogg's Rice Krispies: - "Snap! Crackle! Pop!"
Courage Tavern Ale: - "It's what your right arm's for."
Access: - "Your flexible friend."

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 06:56 PM

Funny - in the supermarket this evening, there was a guy buying a 12 pack of condoms, a bottle of wine, some mouthwash and a Porno magazine. Wonder what sort of night he had in mind.....

And why the mouthwash?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 07:03 PM

I heard the following story at Caltech back in the '50s: A chemist found that a condom was perfect for sealing the top of a test tube while allowing for the evolution of gas. He used to buy them by the gross, just right for a rack of 12 by 12. One Sunday he came out one short. The next day, at the druggist's, he mentioned that there had been only 143 condoms in the last package. "Gee, mister," said the clerk, "I hope it didn't spoil your weekend."

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: Peace
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 07:22 PM

What's the difference between an old tire in the ditch and a bag filled with 467 used condoms? One's a Goodyear and the other's a great year.

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: Don Firth
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 08:17 PM

Molly Ivins on first seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger in person: "My God! He looks like a condom stuffed with walnuts!"

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: The Shambles
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 02:54 AM

I have tried - but the rubber just seems to shrivel-up at the first touch of the branding-iron!

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 05:52 AM

I heard a story that during WW2, british troops serving in cold conditions found that stretching a condom over the muzzle of their rifles prevented ice forming inside the barrel. Although the standard product worked, it was thought that longer ones would be even better. A request for some found it's way to Churchill's desk. Winston agreed the idea on the condition that they would have Made in Britain - STANDARD SIZE printed on them.

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 12:28 PM

I hate to admit knowing this (hell, I hate to admit reading this thread rather than something musical ;o) ) but fcuk did make their own condoms, and their tag line was "Practise safe sex, go fcuk yourself".
S'true:http://www.boots.com/shop/product_details.jsp?productid=1013979

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: alanabit
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 01:15 PM

I liked the story about the firm which tried to register the trademark "Futue Mundum". The civil servant sent back a polite note with the words:
    We are unable to register your product under this name, because it is the Latin phrase which translates as, "Screw the World".

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: LilyFestre
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 02:21 PM

LOL...this thread is just too funny!

Burger King Condoms: Have It Your Way

Caress Condoms: Caress Before You Dress

Diamond Condoms: A Diamond Lasts Forever

Movado Condoms: The Art Of Time

Cover Girl Condoms: Feel The Love

Revlon Condoms: Only Revlon Makes It. Only You Make It Unforgettable

Target Condoms: Happy Inside

L'Real Condoms: Because You're Worth It

Bounty Condoms: The Quicker Picker Upper

Elizabeth Arden Red Door Condoms: Make An Entrance

Carefree Condoms: You'll Barely Know It's There

California Pistachios Condoms: Grab A Handful

Ferrero Rocher Condoms: See What Unfolds

Pilsbury Condoms: Nothing Says Lovin' Like Something In The Oven

And one of my favorites......

Keebler Condoms: Made By Elves

LOLOLOL...thanks for the laugh!!!!! :)

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 02:37 PM

Redbull Condoms......gives you wings

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: thehiker
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 03:42 PM

Graffitti on comdom vending machine
"Insert Baby For Refund"

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: LilyFestre
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 05:14 PM

I sent my mother-in-law a copy of this thread...she sent this in return:

Native American

This Native American boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"

She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

Mother Native American paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you asking so many questions today?"

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: Mr Red
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 05:28 PM

Years ago I remember a machine in a disco (oh how that dates me) which bore the brand name "Baby Stoppers". However someone pointed-out that they were German and the naming was somewhat akin to our referrence to "French Letters" only with a little more teutonic precision in the use meaning. It never quite sounds as crude in another language does it?

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 08:45 PM

McGrath, it's more like...

Microsoft: - "Where do you want to come today?"

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 10:07 PM

GoodYear Steel Belted Radials

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: The Shambles
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 08:57 AM

What is this thing with condoms and Mudcat?

What brand of condoms do Mudcatters prefer?

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: Bobert
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 10:00 AM

Jus' keep away from them "Holy Rollers"... You know, the ones that yer girl friends father told you about when you were 17 years old and thought you might have some ideas about his daughter..

"Yeah, Bobert, did you know that they put a hole in one out of every 5 of them things?...."

Bobert: "They do?"

"Yup, they sure do..."

Like I said, don't buy no "holy rollers"...

Nevermind...

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 10:24 AM

Someone's already mentioned vending machine graffitti:

Buy me and stop one

(Underneath the "Tested to BS Standard nnnnn Kitemark") So was the Titanic

(Underneath that) So don't try and wrap one of these round an iceberg

(On a machine selling flavoured condoms in a pub loo) Full menu available at the bar

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: smallpiper
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 10:44 AM

LTS I've been told that mouthwash has certain anaesthetic qualities! Make of that what you will!

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 11:09 AM

Martini - ANYONE, ANY TIME, ANY PLACE !

Elfcall

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: Michael
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 01:37 PM

If you click onto the Boots link mentioned above there is blue clicky that says 'click to enlarge'. I dare not try it.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: Mr Red
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 03:46 PM

Dave Bryant

You missed the one that goes buy two and be one jump ahead

or the NZ AIDS ad that went somewhat like get it on to get it off

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 04:26 PM

A wretched young man of Cape Horn
Said "I wish I had never been born,
And I wouldn't have been,
If my father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn."

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 05:43 PM

Timex condoms...

"Takes a licking and keeps on ticking"

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: The Walrus
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 07:13 PM

I recall reading of a covert research station during WW2 (MoD 1 IIRC), looking into less orthodox weapons.
One of the scientists discovered that the ideal timing device for one of their underwater mines was aniseed balls (a type of sweet, for those who don't remember them), thus, as sweets were rationed, a special ration was arranged, however to keep the 'timers' dry until use some sort of cover was needed and condoms fitted the bill, so a supply was arranged through a local chemist(Pharmasist); neither of the suppliers was allowed to know the reason for the bulk orders and the members of the station gained a reputation as sweet toothed sexual athletes (and apparently, aniseed balls were suspected locally as an aphrodisiac).

Mr Red,

I believe you will find that the French eqivalent of 'French Letter' is 'Capote Anglaise' (English Greatcoat).

Walrus

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: Blowzabella
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 07:22 PM

A bit unrelated but on a similar vein - I remember going to a clinic for the contraceptive pill when I was a very young gel, and discovering that they were made in Maidenhead!!!

(See - I had a sharp, incisive wit, even then...)

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: Mr Red
Date: 07 Nov 03 - 01:37 PM

Blowzabella
Instructions read "Keep between the knees" obviously.

Walrus
I am surprised you haven't related the old military story of the "Desert Rats". They found that sand got everywhere - just everywhere - right up the barrels of their rifles and corks etc were not very convenient &/or affected the shots. So someone (then a lot of them) tried a condom over the muzzle making the weapons immediately usable at all times. The army then had them made specially and made bigger to do the job better. When Churchill got to hear he thought it was a superb idea and insisted the army made sure the boxes were printed with the words British and Standard size.

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Nov 03 - 02:55 PM

Let me tell you of a man called Mick.
The only man with a corkscrew dick.
He travelled the world from pole to pole
To find a girl with a corkscrew hole.
When he found her, he dropped down dead.
The silly girl had a left-hand thread!

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: Cluin
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 04:20 PM

The best condom ad ever, right friggin' here.

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: JennyO
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 09:23 PM

Oh yes. I've seen this one before. Someone sent it to me a while ago. Illustrates the point perfectly :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: GUEST,John
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 09:55 PM

So why did the Kerryman put ice in his condom?   ... To keep down the swelling.

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: Clean Supper
Date: 11 Nov 03 - 06:31 AM

I came to England from Australia a couple of years ago and was amused to see that the machines selling condoms in some of the pubs offered flavours such as "Kangaroo" or, possibly less appealing still, "lad´s night out". Does it taste like curry and vomit?

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: GUEST,Seaking
Date: 11 Nov 03 - 08:47 PM

Irish Condoms - to be sure, to be sure

Subject: RE: BS: Condom brands (UK)
From: Peace
Date: 11 Nov 03 - 11:03 PM

They're a good thing for a survival kit. Hold about a quart of water.