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BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
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BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: freda underhill Date: 16 May 04 - 08:42 AM It's a good thing there are no gay people in the military because otherwise weird sex stuff might happen. The Bush administration is now asking Congress for another 25 billion for the war in Iraq. I don't know what they're going to be buying with this money, but I think we can rule out anymore digital cameras. Foreign policy experts say that this Iraqi prison abuse thing could be a real setback in relations between American and Arab countries. But it was going so well up until this. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 16 May 04 - 09:10 AM Interesting jokes Freda.... ;-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST,Mickey Date: 17 May 04 - 02:54 AM Little girl pricks her hand whilst being shown how to sew by her mother. She said "Mum, I need some cider" Her mum asked why and she told her...Well Mary(15yr old sister of girl) says if she gets a prick in her hand she has to get it in cider"!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 19 May 04 - 02:19 AM A drunk staggers down main street and up the stairs of a cathedral. He crashes from pew to pew before making his way into a confessional. A priest watches the man's progress, then bustles over to enter his side of the booth to take the drunkard's confession. But there is no sound from the other side, save a few breaths and grunts and coughs. Then he hears a muffled but earnest "Damn!" "May I help you, my son?" the priest asks in concern. "Yeah, thanks, buddy," comes the drunk's voice from beyond the screen. "Got any paper on your side?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 19 May 04 - 02:21 AM A distraught nun enters the office of the Mother Superior. "Mother Superior," she cries. "We've discovered a case of syphilis in the convent." "Lovely!" replies the old nun. "I was getting damn sick of the Chablis." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 19 May 04 - 02:22 AM Two nuns are riding their bikes down a cobblestone street. The first one says to the other, "I've never come this way before. How about you?" "Nope," the second one says. "It's the cobbles." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 19 May 04 - 02:23 AM Two nuns in the bathtub together... First one says, "Where's the soap?" Second one says, "It does a bit, doesn't it?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 19 May 04 - 02:25 AM A priest and a rabbi are watching a fight in a boxing arena. One of the fighters crosses himself before the opening bell sounds. "What exactly does that mean to you Christians?" the rabbi asks. "Fuck all, if he can't fight," replies the priest. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 19 May 04 - 02:25 AM Two Anglican ministers on the train discuss the present sad state of sexual morality. "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married," says the first minister self-righteously. "How about you?" "Maybe," admits the second minister. "What was her maiden name?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 09 Jun 04 - 12:31 AM You can look in the Second Joke Thread for 2004 for more humour. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 09 Jun 04 - 12:16 PM "Special Request" The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply... "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 09 Jun 04 - 12:17 PM "Wisdom" Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it. If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your behind will get soaking wet. The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai. Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single. Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 09 Jun 04 - 07:15 PM Subject: Please close thread From: foolestroupe Date: 09-Jun-04 - 12:36 AM The 'First Joke Thread for 2004' could be closed now please .... it's quite enough of a bulky file when downloaded. Robin Subject: RE: Please close thread From: Joe Offer Date: 09-Jun-04 - 01:15 PM Hi, Robin - we don't close threads any more because of size. You'll notice on the Forum Menu, that the number of messages for long threads is a clickable link. If you click that link, you'll see that the thread is nicely split into segments. I deleted your second joke thread and moved the messages into the first one. If you really want to, go ahead and start a second joke thread - but there really isn't any need. -Joe Offer- Subject: RE: Please close thread From: foolestroupe Date: 09-Jun-04 - 07:03 PM welll,, I did what I did because the thread is over 150Kb and takes 1) ages to download 2) accumulatelively burns larger & larger chunks of download allocation. I have stopped opening really large threads like MOAB etc. OK - no more daily jokes... Robin
-Joe Offer- |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Amos Date: 11 Jun 04 - 11:56 PM I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (??), gave me a strange look and said. "Why don't you just put it in park?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Peace Date: 12 Jun 04 - 09:34 PM Dave O: Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? That is the funniest image I have 'seen' in five years. You have made my day. Thank you. LMAO Bruce M |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: JennyO Date: 13 Jun 04 - 05:48 AM Well here we are almost into the second half of 2004, and this is STILL called the First Joke Thread for 2004. Maybe it needs a name change? A friend of mine sent me these - signs seen around the world: Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. Cocktail Lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. At a Budapest Zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD. Doctor's Office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Hotel Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE. Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLS AND HEATS: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF. Car rental brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE, THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR. Dry Cleaner's, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. Sign in men's rest room in Japan: TO STOP LEAK, TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT. In a Nairobi Restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. On the grounds of a private school: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION. On an Athi River Highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP. In a City Restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS. One of the Mathare buildings: MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE. A sign seen on an automatic restroom handdryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS. In a Pumwani maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED. In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. Sign in Japanese public bath: FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB. Tokyo Hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE PROHIBITED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. Hotel Notice: Tokyo: IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH A THING, PLEASE NOT TO HAVE NOTICED. On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. In a Tokyo Bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. In a Bangkok Temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN. Hotel Room Notice: Chaing-Mai, Thailand: PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM. Hotel Brochure: Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE. Hotel Lobby, Bucharest: THIS LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE. Hotel Elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK. Hotel Yugoslavia: THE FLATENNING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. Hotel Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY. Hotel catering to skiers, Austria: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION. Taken from a menu, Poland: SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION. Supermarket, Hongkong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE. From a Soviet Weekly: THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERSAND SCULPTORS. THESE WHERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS. In an East African newspaper: A NEW SWIMMING POOL IN RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS. Hotel Vienna: IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICKLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. Hotel Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BED ROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE. An advertisement by a Hongkong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS. A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVER CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? In the window on a Swedish furrier: FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN. The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE. In a Swiss mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE CREAM |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 14 Jun 04 - 01:53 AM JennyO - may I draw your attention to the Second Joke Thread for 2004? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 14 Jun 04 - 06:35 AM Without Prior Public Announcement... The Mudcat Second Joke Thread for 2004 is back! Which Joke Thread do you support? Vote with your Jokes Now! The Fooles Troupe |
