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BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
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Subject: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 04 Jan 04 - 05:18 PM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'The current joke thread is getting rather large and slow loading - so I started this one. The joke is that this post has no joke.... Robin |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 04 Jan 04 - 05:36 PM Things to do at Wal-Mart: 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code Three in Ladies Wear" and see what happens. 5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway. 6. Move a CAUTION - WET FLOOR sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone? 9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. 11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'. 12. In the auto department, practice your 'Madonna' look, using different size funnels. 13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, whisper "Pick me... Pick me..." 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!" 15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: JedMarum Date: 04 Jan 04 - 06:21 PM Great stuff, Cluin - but don't show 'em to Big Mick! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: michaelr Date: 04 Jan 04 - 07:14 PM Why, does Mick work at Wal-Mart? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Peace Date: 04 Jan 04 - 07:46 PM So, that's who the Official Greeter is. LOL |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 05 Jan 04 - 12:50 AM Buddy walks into the psychiatrist's office, wearing only Saran Wrap for pants. Shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: freda underhill Date: 05 Jan 04 - 07:29 AM A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense," So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 05 Jan 04 - 12:07 PM Years ago while attending a dinner party hosted by some friends of mine the hostess served a meal with this delicious mushroom sauce. After the meal there was a small amount left over and the hostess decided to allow her pregnant cat to enjoy the treat as well as the guests. The guests all felt it was a great gesture and showed the cat was a member of the family. The sauce was the highlight of the evening’s topic of conversation, everyone commented on how delicious it was, and the hostess beamed at all the compliments. One of the guest commented that toadstools were much like mushrooms except for being toxic, and how funny it would be is such a culinary treat were made from that instead. As if on cue, the pet cat started crying and squirming on the floor, clutching its belly. The hostess exclaimed, "Oh my God, it's the mushroom sauce!" We all went to the emergency room in a mad rush, and had our stomachs pumped after telling them we had eaten poisonous mushrooms. This was an extremely unpleasant experience. We got back, the cat was lying on the floor peacefully looking up at us, and licking her newborn kittens. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Pseudolus Date: 05 Jan 04 - 12:21 PM A nun goes to the mother Superior and says, "Mother Superior, I must confess, today, I cursed and used the Lord's name in vain." The Mother Superior asked what happened. The nun replied, "Well, I was golfing and I hit the drive of my life, the ball climbed and climbed, I thought it would never come down and all of a sudden it hit a bird and fell straight down into the fairway." "Well that would upset me as well, but...." The nun interuppted and said, "No it wasn't that, that got me upset." "Well then, what was it my child?" The nun continued, "All of a sudden a squirrell ran across the fairway and picked up the ball and into the woods it ran." "So that was it?" the Mother Superior asked. "No, that wasn't it either". "Well then, what was it child????" "Well, then another bird swooped down, grabbed the squirrell, carried it over the green and the squirrell spit out my ball and it rolled six inches from the cup." The Mother Superior thought about this for a moment and then smiled and said, "You missed the fuckin putt didn't ya?????" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Bill D Date: 05 Jan 04 - 01:14 PM Quotes from God that don't get much notice.... "Do you really think I watch over the survivors of plane crashes, tornadoes, and other Acts of Me, and say to hell with those who aren't so lucky? -- God." "I'm in the details. -- God." "Elijah and Amos and Paul and St. John spoke for me. Falwell? No. Huck? No. -- God." "I told Jonah, 'Hey, count your blessings, he could've had teeth.' -- God "I'm the first refuge of scoundrels. -- God." "If your last rites are your first rites, might as well not bother. --God." " "Yeah, I created Jesse 'The Body' Ventura, but I didn't elect him. --God 'The God' God." "They really sucked in Sodom and Gomorrah. No, I mean they really sucked. --God." "That part about honoring your father and mother. Forget it if they're lawyers." --God. "I asked Job where he was when I laid the foundations of the universe and he said, 'I don't know, probably fishing.' -- God." "Love beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things, and causeth most of the teen pregnancies. --God." "I love Mormons but they sure are weird. --God." "Y'all are all just like Adam, you don't appreciate how good you've got it till it's gone. -- God." "Preacher, if you use Thunderbird or on-sale grapejuice for the Holy Communion so you can pocket the savings, you must be one crazy son-of-a-gun. -- God." "If the world hateth you, if men revile you, and persecute you, and say all manner of evil against you, remember, nobody put a gun to you head and made you run for president. -- God." "The lion and lamb may lie down together but only one of them will get up afterward. -- God." "What do you think ol' Ezekiel might have been smoking? -- God." "No, not that Madonna. --God." "The Ark thing where I melted all those Nazis was pretty good, even if I do say so myself. -- God." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Bill D Date: 05 Jan 04 - 01:21 PM " Tiring of the city life, a New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name. "Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we compromised and called it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y." "But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked. "None of them survived the branding!" _________________________________________________________________ This guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu. After a few minutes, the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy what he'd like. The guy says, "I'd like a quickie". The waitress flushes and says, "That's not funny, sir. Now, what would you like to order?" The guy says, "I'd really like a quickie". The waitress slaps him hard and storms off angrily. Another customer, overhearing the conversation, leans over and says to the guy, "Um, I think that it's pronounced 'quiche'! ---------------------------------------------------------------- This guy is studying to be a proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt. He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing: "...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." ! The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags him back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again ("...On the road again...") The M.A. is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked. "Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country music!" __________________________________________________________________ A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple in a car with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "Well, sir, I'm reading, and my girlfriend is knitting a sweater." "How old are you two, son?" the officer asked. "I'm twenty," the boy replied, looking at his watch. "And in about twelve minutes, she'll be eighteen!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: freda underhill Date: 06 Jan 04 - 10:30 AM "It was like Ground Hog Day. He popped out of a hole, and we got four more years of Bush." —Bill Maher, on Saddam's capture "For the last four days, they've been interrogating Saddam Hussein. ... He denies knowing Osama bin Laden. He said 'Oh sure, I'd run into him at industry functions, but I didn't really know him.'" —David Letterman "Saddam's daughter defended him, saying the U.S. must have drugged or gassed him. Otherwise, he never would have surrendered. Let me tell you something, the guy was living on hot dogs, Spam and Mars bars, and living in a tiny hole. I think he gassed himself." —Jay Leno "President Bush said today that when he was told Saddam Hussein had been captured he was up at Camp David reading a book. I don't know what's the bigger shock, capturing Saddam or finding out Bush was reading a book." —Jay Leno "When they caught Saddam Hussein, he had more than $750,000 dollars. When he heard this, President Bush immediately invited Saddam to a fundraising dinner" —Conan O'Brien "I'm watching the clip of Saddam Hussein with the big beard and the whole thing and this might be a long shot in terms of theories are concerned — but is it possible that in the nine months he was on the run, he was actually studying to become a rabbi?" —Jon Stewart "It's ironic that they found him in a hole since the term 'A-hole' has been used to describe him so many times." —Jay Leno "They took a DNA sample from him — that's gotta be humiliating. One day your the president of the entire country, the next your being forced to give a DNA sample. And Clinton said 'tell me about it!'" —Jay Leno "When he was captured, he was surrounded by the only nine remaining people who didn't want him caught — the Democratic candidates." —Jay Leno |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Peace Date: 06 Jan 04 - 12:26 PM Bill and Doug are on the golf course. Bill slices the ball on a drive and narrowly misses two ladies in the next fairway. Doug says, "Man, you better go apologize to them." Bill gets halfway there, looks, turns around and comes back. Doug asks what's up. Bill says, "Well, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress. So, could you please go make the apology?" Doug goes, gets halfway there and returns. Bill says, "What?" Doug says, "Small world, isn't it?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Bob Hitchcock Date: 06 Jan 04 - 05:22 PM An Accordian player and a Trombone player get together and form a duo, to play a gig on New Years Eve. The show was a big hit with the crowd who were dancing all night and just having a blast. So after the show, the club owner comes over to them and says "That was great. I didn't know what to expect when I hired you, but you guys were fantastic. Could you play here again for next New Years Eve?" The two guys muttered to each other for a minute and replied "Yes, we would love to, but is it OK if we leave our stuff here?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Mickey191 Date: 06 Jan 04 - 06:22 PM Old man goes for routine physical, and the doctor pronounces him in good form. Old man attributes it to his closeness to God. He tells the Dr. that at night when he has to pee, God turns the light on for him. When he's finished, God turns the light out for him. The Dr. is afraid the man may be delusional, so he calls the man's wife explaining about the light going on & off. The wife says,"Oh Boy, he's peeing in the refrigerator again." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Peace Date: 06 Jan 04 - 06:31 PM So THAT'S what it is. Thanks, Mickey191. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Bill D Date: 06 Jan 04 - 06:36 PM A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on their way from New York to California. Running low on fuel, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high-octane pump. "What can I do fer y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with premium, please," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he looks the car up and down, and asks, "What kinda' car is this? I ain't never seen one like it befer." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy, is a 1997 Cadillac DeVille." "What-all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "It has everything: It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10-disk CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, an 8.8-liter V12 engine." "Wow," says the attendant, "that's really somethin'!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "Thata be $30.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change, mixed up with some golf tees. "What're dem little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "dem Cadillac people think of everything!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Bill D Date: 06 Jan 04 - 06:43 PM ok, who likes puns? An anthropologist returned from spending a year studying the natives on one of the South Sea islands. His friends asked him if he had anything unusual to report. The man replied that this particular tribe had discovered palm leaf suppositories for use when they were constipated. "Do they work?" he was asked. "Do they ever!" he replied, "with fronds like these, who needs enemas?!" --------------------------------------------------------------- Because his trip to North America took so long, Leif Ericson returned home only to learn that his name had been removed from the list of village inhabitants. He complained to the village chief, who relayed the adventurer's displeasure to the village statistician. "I'm so sorry," said the census keeper. "I must have taken Leif off my census!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Gareth Date: 06 Jan 04 - 07:27 PM Found this at another web-forum and just had to post it :). ------------------------------------------ How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb? 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 1 to move it to the Lighting section 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 5 to flame the spell checkers 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too" 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again. Gareth |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 06 Jan 04 - 07:52 PM In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will." said the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm really learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Nope." said the old timer, "But when Wyatt Earp over there gits done with his piano playin' and he comes over here to shove that gun right up your ass, it won't hurt as much." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Peace Date: 06 Jan 04 - 09:05 PM lmaorotf |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Bill D Date: 06 Jan 04 - 10:51 PM oh, Gareth...that one is just TOO funny, given recent threads..*grin* |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Hrothgar Date: 07 Jan 04 - 03:29 AM A bit near the knuckle, Gareth! :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: katlaughing Date: 07 Jan 04 - 02:49 PM My apologies if this is a repeat: Happy New Year! A little bit of inspiration for women. A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat out. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and continued to read her book. Along came a game warden in his boat. He pulled up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, thinking to herself. "Isn't it obvious?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am", he said and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: jeffp Date: 07 Jan 04 - 04:15 PM kat, your joke reminds me of something I saw occur on the Shenandoah River once back in 1994. I was down there for a whitewater canoe trip with a bunch of friends and was sitting by the river just enjoying the day. A couple of canoes, each with a couple in it, came by and pulled up on a sand bar to rest and socialize, I guess. One of the men had a fly rod and the other was checking it out, casting and retrieving the line, when the fish and game warden showed up in his boat. The warden anchored his boat and prepared to write out a ticket for fishing without a license. The man protested that he was only checking out the rod and not actually fishing. The warden's response could be heard by all of us at the campsite, halfway across the river. "You have a rod in your hand, there is a hook on the line, the hook is in the water, and there are fish in the water. Son, that's fishing!" Thought I would never stop laughing. jeffp |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 09 Jan 04 - 06:59 AM The CoffeeHouse Prayer Our Father, who art in Columbia, Juan Valdez be Thy name. Thy Au Latte come, Thy Cappucino be done In homes as it is in cafes. And forgive us this day our Decaffinated Blend, As we forgive those who drink Esspresso in front of us. And lead us not into Instants, But deliver us from Non-Dairy Creamer. For Thine is the Hazelnut, Mocha, and Irish Cream forever. Amen. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Jim Dixon Date: 10 Jan 04 - 02:46 PM Roy Blount, Jr., was a panelist on today's episode of NPR's weekly program, "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me." The host asked him to comment on Britney Spears' short-lived marriage. He replied with this short poem:
Did he gitney? He did, dintney? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Peace Date: 10 Jan 04 - 06:56 PM A fellow from the big city decided to get away from it all and move to the Canadian north. He purchased a log cabin, and his nearest neighbour was four miles away down a winding road. George never got to see anyone other than the mail delivery person, and on occasion he traded words with the truck that brought his store-bought food. After eleven months of relative isolation, George began to get a little antsy. As fortune would have it, a loud banging at the door abruptly took him from his despondent thoughts. He answered the knocking. There before him at the door stood a somewhat rank, dishevelled, rugged-looking, semi-drunk huge man. "Yes?" "Came to ask you to a party tonight; starts at 7:00." "Oh." (George was lonely, and he figured, why not.) "Yeah. But there might be a little drinkin', hope ya don't mind that." "Oh, no, I have a drink now and then, too." "Yeah. Might be a little fightin'. Hope ya don't mind that." "Oh, no, I'll just keep to myself." "Might be a little sex. Hope ya don't mind that." "Oh, no," said George, "It's been quite some time for me." The fellow turned around and began to walk away. George called after him: "Hey, what should I wear?" Fellow yelled back, "Suit yourself; there'll just be the two of us." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 10 Jan 04 - 08:29 PM A man was visiting an art museum in West Virginia. In a photography exhibit he saw a photograph if three nude black men sitting on a simple plank bench. The odd thing about the photograph was that the man in the middle had a white penis. He studied the photo for a few minutes but couldn't figure out what kind of point the artist was trying to make. Finally, he stopped a passing security guard and asked him if he understood the photo. "Sure," said the guard, "I understand exactly what it's about." "Well," replied the museum visitor, "I just don't get it. Three black men on a bench but the middle one has a white penis... What's it mean?" The guard looked at him and started to laugh. "Naw," he said, "those aren't black men! They're West Virginia coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch." Bruce |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Leadfingers Date: 10 Jan 04 - 08:29 PM How many Traditional Folk Singers does it take to change a Light Bulb? Answer-- Twenty four !!! One to change the bulb, Three to sing a ballad in three part harmony about what a wonderful light bulb it was And the other twenty to have an argument about how much better it would have been if it hadnt been electric |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Herga Kitty Date: 11 Jan 04 - 02:39 PM How many EFDSS members does it take to change a light bulb? Change???????? (Heard at Sharp's Xmas party) Kitty |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cattail Date: 11 Jan 04 - 03:36 PM Nice one Brucie, LMAO Thanks Cattail ! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Peace Date: 11 Jan 04 - 03:50 PM More than welcome, Cattail. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: bazza Date: 11 Jan 04 - 04:55 PM a couple in bed making love ,the husband says,ere why dont you moan like other woman,alright she says,when you going to paint this bloody ceiling. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: SueB Date: 14 Jan 04 - 01:58 AM This is from James Carville's new book called Had Enough? A Handbook for Fighting Back " There's a joke going around about the senator who died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the senator. "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. She never told a lie, and therefore the hands have never moved." "Whose clock is that?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved only twice, telling us that Honest Abe told only two lies in his entire life." The senator then asked, "Where's George W. Bush's clock?" St. Peter replied, "It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." " |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 14 Jan 04 - 04:49 PM An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to screw. The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition. "I should tell you, I have acute angina," she said. "That's good," the old man replied "Because your tits are nothing to look at." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wesley S Date: 14 Jan 04 - 05:22 PM A man goes to visit his doctor and tells him: "Doc - when I was twenty I would get an erection and it was hard as a rock and as stiff as a telephone poll. When I turned fourty I could bend it a little. And when I turned sixty I could bend it in half". "So what do you want to know ?" the doctor asked. The man replied - "Good Heavens Doctor - how strong will I be when I turn eighty ?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 17 Jan 04 - 12:59 AM Two boys are playing hockey on a frozen pond in Ontario, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it into the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter, who was driving by, sees the incident, pulls over, and rushes across the ice to interview the boy. "Young Toronto Maple Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry. I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again. "Little Ottawa Senators Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Senators fan either," the boy said. "Well, what team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "The Montreal Canadiens," the kid said. The reporter rips out the old sheet from his notebook and writes on a new page: "Little French Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST,Frances Date: 17 Jan 04 - 04:48 PM A nurse had given instructions to a junior what to do while she would put on the required dressing on the patient. Whilst opening the dressing from its sealed packet, she heard a scream from her patient. Turning to the junior she said,"nurse, I told you to lift him by the buttocks,..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Den Date: 17 Jan 04 - 06:17 PM When I told my family I was going to be a comedian they laughed at me... they're not laughing now. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 17 Jan 04 - 07:04 PM A public speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth!" The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair. Try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair, Goldilocks. Try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker thanked the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 17 Jan 04 - 08:09 PM Ckuin, that reminds me of the episode of Steptoe & Son, where Harold buys a drayload full of false teeth from the undertakers... Robin |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST,JTT Date: 18 Jan 04 - 03:43 AM Mainly for Irish people, especially GAA fans: http://www.listowelemmets.com/jokes.html |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Jimmy C Date: 19 Jan 04 - 12:05 AM The gunfighter In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a li'l lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will," said the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Jimmy C Date: 19 Jan 04 - 12:14 AM A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! ...I hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The clerk behind the welfare desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!" The welfare clerk says, "Yeah, well, you started it." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 21 Jan 04 - 06:08 PM Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron and standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes. Yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands over her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times... Just put me down for a five." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Mickey191 Date: 22 Jan 04 - 02:04 PM Ole and Sven are neighbors in Minnesota. Ole is in need of a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over the border in Wisconsin. He drives over to Wisconsin, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls -- the cow farts. Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls -- the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow anyway. When he gets the cow home, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and his neighbor, Sven, and says, “Come here and look at dis new cow I just bought. Pull her teat, and see what happens.” Sven reaches under and pulls -- the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, “You bought dis cow in Wisconsin, yah?” Ole is very surprised and says, “Yah!, dats right, how did you know?” Sven says, “My wife is from Wisconsin.” |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Jim Dixon Date: 29 Jan 04 - 03:14 PM Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Bob Hitchcock Date: 29 Jan 04 - 04:20 PM A guy walks into a Bar, and orders a beer and a shot then throws a pair of jumper cables on the bar. The bartender looks him over and says " OK, but don't start anything". |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST Date: 30 Jan 04 - 08:58 AM A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse arrives to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I wouldn't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, please, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand, takes a close look, and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, and they're not black." With an effort, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and says----- "That was very nice -------- but, ...ARE... MY... TEST... results..back? " |
