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BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!!
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Subject: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Pogo Date: 03 Aug 04 - 09:56 PM TUESDAY, TUESDAY, TUESDAY!!!!! Weeeelcome gents and ladies to STEEL CAAAAAGE MATCH TUESDAY sponsored by the Mudcat Feud Federation (MFF) and beer. We'd like to extend a special thanks to Bobert for the use of his barn and Mrs. Bobert would like to send out a special telepathic message to all the men in the audience at this time... ***be sure to put down the toliet seats after using the facilities, boys*** ...and now MFF is proud to present...the MAAAAAAINNNN EVENNNNTTTT!!!! The two most bitter, ruthless feuders in Mudcat history are taking their feud to the Bobertdome in a ear-munching-no-holds-barred-aussie-rugby-rules-steel-cage-match...to the DEATH!! You sobbed and screamed like a girl at the Georgiansilver/Martin Gibson Brass KnuckleFest! You soiled yourself in pure terror at the CarolC/Brucie IronJaw Grudgematch! And the Millard Fillmore/Oliver Whistlemore debates made you join a nunnery! But now folks, ninja slapfests and 'your momma' jokes are not enough for these two steel-nerved, white-knuckled, sweating titans. They're out for the other's BLOOD!!!! ESMERELDA THE GOAT vs. WILLIAM SHATNER!!! The feud ends HERE!!! And we'll see it in this thread...LIVE!!!! And wait...as if that wasn't enough...for the follow-up event....JOE OFFER vs. GUEST!!!! You'll never see a double event like this one again! sooooo ladies and gents.....LET'S GET READY TO FEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!! *crowd goes wild* |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Peace Date: 03 Aug 04 - 10:07 PM My goat is NOT involved. And that's that! |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Pogo Date: 03 Aug 04 - 10:22 PM But...wait folks!!!! There seems to be a delay before the fight can begin...Apparently Esmerelda's owner(?) has come into the ring to try and convince Esmerelda to not go through with this feud. Goat and man are having a heated debate...We'll hear the outcome in a moment... William Shatner meantime is looking positively pissed at the delay...It's been my understanding, folks that he's been wanting to settle this grudgematch since the goat's insensitive remark about his toupee' in regards to his mother in the now infamous " Cutting A Rug?!?! " thread. Besides which it's this announcer's knowledge that he's spent a fortune on his custom-made spandex tights and stud-reinforced gloves...and to not go through with this feud now could seriously damage his already larger-than-life reputation on Mudcat... *crowd is screaming 'LET THE GOAT FIGHT!!! LET THE GOAT FIGHT!!!!' and throwing beer cans into the ring* |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Bobert Date: 03 Aug 04 - 10:30 PM Well gol danged!!!!! Wake up, P-Vine!!! We got company.... Oh, geeze, I knew I should have dusted... Ahhhh, can ya' all give us awhile to take the critters over to my cousin Rufus's and his wife Rether Mayz? They real good wid 'um and I don't wanta be chasin' nobody 'round in a couple months fir and unxplainerated pregnacies... I mean, not that these two would do such a thing, but hey, they do seem to get carried away... But Iz equally concernarted about the so called innocent bystanders... Actually, I think rather than move the critters, we oughtta move the combabtants over to Rufus and Rether May'z half-a-double-wide and let 'um have it out over there. Ain't no critters left over there that Rether Mayz, bless he chunky heart, ain't eat up allready. Might of fact, ain't nuthin' alive, plant 'er animal withina half a mile... Yeah, the half-a-double-wide will do jus' fine... Jus' lock 'um and let 'um have at it 'til they run outta four letter words... My money is on Martin since this is steel caged an' all. If it were held in a library, however, Vegas would have it 7-5 for Don... Now when I say break... break! Good luck, gentlemen... Bobert |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 03 Aug 04 - 11:18 PM Yes, folks, Esmerelda's owner (I didn't know the goat's name was Esmeralda. I thought it was Naomi. No, wait! That's Osama's goat, isn't it?) has withdrawn her from the competition. But wait! What's this? It looks like.... YES!!!! A Margaret Thatcher blow-up doll has been thrown into the ring and the crowd is going wild! |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: GUEST,Don Cherry Date: 03 Aug 04 - 11:49 PM Let no one FORGET...that Bill Shatner has battled Reptilian Alien Scum on nameless planets!!! Still, Maggie Thatcher is no mean opponent...even if it is just a blowup doll of Maggie Thatcher!!! I see the Great Shatner doing his famous "thumbs up" gesture and grinning at the crowd. He is obviously VERY confident, ladies and gentlemen! The Ref is explaining the rules to Shatner and Inflatable Maggie...and...THERE GOES THE BELLLLL! The fight is on! This promises to be an absolutely explosive grudge match which can only result in complete deflation of one of the combatants!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: artbrooks Date: 04 Aug 04 - 12:26 AM Will Bill acknowledge and provide support to their offspring? |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Peace Date: 04 Aug 04 - 01:49 AM You guys are certifiable. Look, Carol has been putting up with a real arsehole named Brucie for a few days, and despite that she can certainly handle the hassle, she doesn't need anymore right now. So for a while, let's keep it to the goat and Shatner, OK? And while I'm at it, Shatner, toupee or not, better keep his hands off Esmerelda. She is not some low-life sleezo. Beautiful wool. Thanks guys. |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: GUEST,Don Cherry Date: 04 Aug 04 - 10:44 AM OH! Blistering action here, people! Shatner tries to put a headlock on Maggie, but she pops loose! It seems that someone greased the entire doll with vaseline or something before the match! Some would say this is against the rules! Well...lemme tell ya somethin', brother...there ARE NO RULES in a steel cage match!!! That's right, baby! Ooooo! Shatner tries to head butt Maggie, and...oh, that is SO embarrassing! He...his head is stuck between the cage bars! He is IMMOBILIZED, ladies and gentlemen!!! Maggie is bouncing around triumphantly...but wait...Shatner has torn loose...leaving his hairpiece behind!!!!!! Huge roar from the crowd! He's mad, now, folks! Here he comes, streaming sweat from every pore as Maggie bobs around impudently! |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Ellenpoly Date: 04 Aug 04 - 12:07 PM I'm loving this! As long as William Shatner is in that cage, he's not trying to channel through me. Keep it up, Maggie! (Never thought I'd be on Maggie's side for anything) ..xx..e |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: jacqui.c Date: 04 Aug 04 - 05:05 PM Hold on folks - this wasn't supposed to be a tag match, was it? There's something else in the cage besides Bill and Maggie! Wait a minute - it's a small furry animal. No! Its Shatner's hairpiece, but what's it doing? It's going after Bill! His hairpiece is helping Maggie! Well, I never thought I'd ever see something like that! But I suppose, when it's spent so long sitting on too of that oversized ego anyway it can get its own back has to be good! |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Pogo Date: 04 Aug 04 - 06:48 PM (...and for the love of cake, Vic, see that the beer vendors in row 34 help Bobert move out the rest of the chickens discreetly?!?!...What? No, no...tell him we'll pay double what we originally promised and...and throw in two free passes and a six-pack for the Hamster vs. BillD match next Thursday...I mean this is pay-per-view, man! Oh yeah...set things straight on the MG/GS confusion for the old boy too, would ya? that was last week's feud...No, Vic...Martin's NOT the hairy guy...that's the toupee'...what? we're back on? oh sh...) ...iiiIIIT'S shaping up to be an incredible feud, ladies and gents, UUUUNBELIEVEABLE, in all my five minutes...*cough* years of experience as announcer I can say I've NEVER seen a steel-cage match like this one. It seems...yes, good lord, it IS William's hairpiece is trying to put the sleeper hold on Shatner while inflatable Maggie has him pinned in the corner with the help of her...her..ah...her very generous bosom, folks... SWEET BEEF!!! WAIT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!! IT SEEMS THAT ESMERELDA THE GOAT HAS BROKEN FREE OF HER LEASH!!! SHE'S CLIMBING UP THE SIDES OF THE CAGE AND...OOOH! JUST ADMINISTERED A DEVESTATING PILEDRIVER ON...ON THE INFLATABLE THATCHER!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!! THATCHER'S SPRUNG A LEAK SHE'S FLYING ALL OVER THE PLACE!!! *DING!!!* ...and there's Round One! Good lord what a turn of events...the two challengers have actually teamed up and made a four-way! Amos, our referee and religious director of the Temple of the Golden Globes has caught Thatcher and they've called for emergency duck-tape...Meanwhile one of our ringside commentators has gone to interview Esmerelda and I see Brucie and Little Hawk are there as well, apparently trying to reason with Esmerelda...folks, Little Hawk is weeping openly this is a very emotional turn of events for him...I can't imagine why the goat would team up with the very man she challenged unless she plans on eliminating the competition first and taking on Shatner alone...but we'll have the interview in just a moment following a message from our sponsor...beer... (*covers mike* so Vic...how many commentators have we got again? Are they covering all angles? Good...our ratings are shooting through the roof let's keep 'em climbing. Get me some water and a Moon Pie would ya Vic? thanks...) |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Rapparee Date: 04 Aug 04 - 09:37 PM Under the raised platform upon which the steel cage sits, a cabin boy crouches, his boring little tool...ah, no, his little boring tool in hand. |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: SINSULL Date: 05 Aug 04 - 11:00 AM Aside: That's not a hairpiece, it's a tribble. |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: jacqui.c Date: 05 Aug 04 - 11:51 AM That explains a lot, even a toupee couldn't really be that bad. |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Little Hawk Date: 05 Aug 04 - 02:14 PM An emergency backup toupee donated by the WSSBA has been fastened to Bill's head with crazy glue. Boy, is he ticked! The second scintillating round is about to begin. The Shatner team welcomes the the help of Esmeralda, the most ravishing nanny goat in show business, in the sacred mission to rid the World of Maggie Thatcher (the blow-up doll, I mean) once and for all!!!! Bill pants in my ear, "This is tougher than battling that guy in the lizard suit on the old Star Trek series! He wasn't as slippery..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Little Hawk Date: 05 Aug 04 - 02:30 PM DING! Round 2! Bill charges out of his corner, teeth bared. Maggie comes bobbing out of her corner like a berserk dirigible, Esmeralda paws her hooves nervously and bleats...and the battle royal resumes!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: GUEST Date: 05 Aug 04 - 02:31 PM eeeeeuuuuuuuuuwwwwwwwww! I can handle the nanny goat, the blow up maggie, the tribble, and even the little wanker on the sidelines - but the image of Shatner panting into LH's ear? |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: jacqui.c Date: 05 Aug 04 - 06:23 PM Well, I always did wonder if there was anything Shatner wouldn't try and bonk. There were always those rumours about him and Spock...... |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Little Hawk Date: 05 Aug 04 - 08:06 PM Stifle your perverted fantasies, Guest. Round 2 rages on as Shatner tries again and again to pin Maggie to the mat, but without success! The sheer slipperiness of the vaselinated doll renders the pin impossible. Bill is tiring, due to the suffocating heat in the arena, but the doll is indefatigable. Could this mean the defeat of the Great Shatner??? No! You can't keep down the man who single-handedly fought the Klingon Empire to a standstill! Not with a lousy inflatable doll you can't! Shatner produces a hatpin from his replacement toupee!!! He advances upon the retreating Maggie, his jaw clenched in steely determination! Could we be about to witness an explosive finish to this battle of titans???? Who has more hot air, Shatner or Maggie???? |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Little Hawk Date: 05 Aug 04 - 08:30 PM Shatner is backing Maggie into a corner, as the doll retreats from the menacing hatpin! But LOOK! A strange masked figure in tights leaps into the cage, brandishing a huge ballpoint pen! He knocks the pin from Shatner's hand and drives him back with a series of blows!!! Shatner stumbles and falls to the mat! Huge roar from the crowd! The mysterious stranger siezes the microphone! "I AM THE MASKED MARVEL FROM SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA!!!" He bellows. "I AM HERE TO DESTROY SHATNER! HE IS AN EMBARRASSMENT TO ALL HUMANITY! DEATH TO SHATNER!!!" This is incredible, ladies and gentlemen! Who could this "Masked Marvel" be??? The letters AJ are emblazoned on his chest, and oddly enough he has a parakeet riding on his shoulder, pirate-fashion...and it's wearing a little cape that says: "Frisco Duck Duck". What could this mean? Esmeralda is not going to take it! She charges the Masked Marvel, but he fends her off, swinging his pen mightily! "THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD!" He shouts, driving Esmeralda back. Shatner is back on his feet, gathering his strength. He advances ominously coming up on the Masked Marvel from behind! "Ooooo...I taught I taw a Shitner! I did! I did! I did taw a Shitner!!!" screeches the parakeet, trying to worn the Masked Marvel...but TOO LATE! Shatner siezes the Masked Marvel in a sleeper hold! The parakeet leaps onto Shatner's nose and starts pecking him furiously, causing the Great Thespian to grimace and shake his head frantically, but he continues to apply the sleeper...as Maggie comes floating in from one side...and Esmeralda charges from the other side! |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Bobert Date: 05 Aug 04 - 08:51 PM "whew, P-Vine. Iz glad we movewd the party up to Rufus's half a double wide. Wid the stuff going on I jus' know that Tom Ridge and boys is gonna show up soon up there... Maybe we can book ol' Tom fir a few zesty rounds wid Hillery Clinton. Whaddayathink, P-Vine... LOOK OUT! Wow, that was close. Looked like Maggie Thatcher to me that just flew by with a string of duct tape followin' her. Pew, you smell that, Honey? Nasty...." |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Little Hawk Date: 05 Aug 04 - 09:12 PM Only a complete fool would enter the ring with Hillary. That woman is tough. |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Bobert Date: 05 Aug 04 - 10:37 PM Like I said, LH, Tom Ridge.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: kendall Date: 05 Aug 04 - 11:18 PM Sinsull read my mind! |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Amos Date: 05 Aug 04 - 11:39 PM The Masked Marvel suddenly has an insight into the ridiculous pomposity of Shatner's very existence and with a chortle the sleeper hold is broken permanently. The overweight ex-actor flies through the cage, slams off the side up against the Maggie doll, bounces dramatically and ends up wedged between two bars at one side of the cage,, the pudgy but badly scraped head sticking out into the audience clamped hard at the shoulders, the paunch sagging to the floor inside the cage and the parakeet perched on the skull tearing out shards of old toupee. Shatner is declared TKO'd, and recognized internationally and forever as a True Loser. |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: GUEST Date: 06 Aug 04 - 10:32 AM Doesn't she always, Kendall? |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: GUEST,Don Cherry Date: 06 Aug 04 - 01:15 PM It looks like Shatner is down for the count, but...Esmeralda whirls and kicks the Masked Marvel viciously with both hind hooves, sending him crashing into inflatable Maggie, and...OH! A tremendous detonation!!! All the combatants are knocked to the floor as the Maggie Thatcher doll explodes into tiny little pieces, impaled by the Masked Marvel's giant ballpoint pen! This is a scene of utter mayhem, ladies and gentlemen!!! William Shatner is incoherent and stunned, his head wedged between the bars! The parakeet is lying on the floor with its little feet sticking up and waving around feebly! The Masked Marvel has his head stuck in his own...um...well, I can't say this on television...suffice it to say that he is OUT of ACTION! Esmeralda the Goat is...she's staggering to her feet...and...the WINNER IS ESMERALDA THE GOAT!!!!!!!!!! This STEEL CAGE MATCH has been brought to you by the Mudcat Feud Federation and McGill Porta-Potties of Beautiful Lakeland Orilla, Ontario, CA-NA-DAAAAAAAA!!!! I'm Don Cherry! Remember, people...Be Ba-a-a-a-a-a-d!!!! See you next time! |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Rapparee Date: 06 Aug 04 - 01:50 PM Under the platform, the little cabin boy has finally broken through the floor with his boring little tool. From his pocket he pulls a crochet hook and pushes it in and out, in and out, of the hole, obviously hoping to either snag something or pop something. (Better that Shatner panted in LH's ear that LH shat in his pants.) |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: SINSULL Date: 06 Aug 04 - 08:44 PM Glug Glug Glug. Oh my God! Shatner, the goat, the tribble, and Meggie Thatcher all sank in the Lowlands Sea. Oh the humanity!!!!!! TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN THE ROCK MEETS CLETUS, PAW AND THE REG BOYS FOR A TABLE MATCH. BUBBA! GET THE TABLE! |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Little Hawk Date: 07 Aug 04 - 01:04 PM That ought to raise quite a stink... |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: GUEST,William Shatner Date: 30 Sep 04 - 06:02 PM And by the way, it was I who won the Steel Cage Match. Decisively. You can take that to the bank. I have never lost a fight, not in the last 500 episodes filmed. Never. I even beat myself once, in an episode where I had to fight an alien that clones itself into a complete genetic copy of whoever it has decided to destroy. That was a tough one, I'm telling you, but I outmaneuvered him by employing certain tricks gleaned from viewing old "Three Stooges" reruns. |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Amos Date: 30 Sep 04 - 08:06 PM Sounds like the famous "Bush Defense" -- when all else fails go for abrasive, brazen, mendacity! A |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Rapparee Date: 30 Sep 04 - 08:30 PM Under the cage, the little cabin boy fiddles expectantly with his boring little tool. |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Little Hawk Date: 30 Sep 04 - 08:46 PM Still? |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: s6k Date: 01 Oct 04 - 03:16 AM death to the anti-shatner |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: GUEST Date: 29 Aug 05 - 12:05 AM RE: I even beat myself once
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp Date: 29 Aug 05 - 11:16 AM Hey, Guest? Keep it in your own pants, jerkoff. - Chongo |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Bunnahabhain Date: 29 Aug 05 - 12:05 PM That was a lucky escape for us. If Shatner had won, then the goat would have lost, and then we'd have both Shatner and another bodhran on the loose.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Little Hawk Date: 29 Aug 05 - 12:10 PM Good point. Guest, your endless awkward attempts at flirtation with me are pointless, and you should give it up. I already have someone who suits me very well. Accept this, and move on. I suggest repeated listenings to the Bob Dylan song "It Ain't Me, Babe" in order to further grasp the situation... ;-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: STEEL CAGE MATCH!!!! From: Little Hawk Date: 29 Aug 05 - 12:12 PM The order of the posts on this thread is all screwed up. That's a shame. It was quite a story. |
