BS: Just a laugh

Subject: BS: Just a laugh
From: GUEST,Laugh-monster
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 04:13 AM

To the citizens of the United States of America,



In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which
she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:



   1.Look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. Ditto "advertisement" . You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The
    letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness. Likewise, you will spell 'doughnut'
    without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced
    'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
    noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If
    you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.



      2. There is no such thing as 'U.S. English'. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted accordingly.



      3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or
      Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be
      broadcast with subtitles.While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as 'Devonshire' in England. The name of the county is
      'Devon' If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires. e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.



      4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
      characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for an audience who can't cope with the
      humour of occasional political incorrectness.



      5. You should stop playing 'American football'. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as 'American football' is not a very good game. No one
      else plays 'American football'. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to 'American football', but does not involve
      stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
      event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.



      6. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns.
      You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.



      7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
      All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
      immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.



      8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian. Those things you insist
      on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.



      9. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
      beer and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as 'American Beer' will
      henceforth be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine' with the exception of the product of the 'American Budweiser' company whose product will be
      referred to as 'Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine'. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be
      sold without risk of confusion.



      10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.



      11. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).



      Thank you for your cooperation.



      The People of Britain.

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 04:20 AM

Who will be the new Minister For America?
I reckon it should be John Prescott.

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 04:30 AM

I'm sending it off to all my American mates, with one appendix...they can substitute using the phrases "You Know" and "Like" with "I Mean", "Innit" and "Awright?-But this last one is only allowable after six month's worth of watching Eastenders, which is only fair, I mean, innit?



;-D

..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 04:34 AM

Who said we were kidding?

: ]

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: s&r
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 04:44 AM

Can we ban people who answer the phone with "Who is this?"? It's you you pillock.

And please fill in a form not out. And it's up to you, not down to you.

Stu

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 06:20 AM

One can fill up a form...

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: GUEST,Sex machine
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 08:02 AM

Yes the female form preferably

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: jacqui.c
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 08:16 AM

Glory halleluja - I'm right in the forefront of the revolution and am ready to convert the colonials back to the correct way of thinking. I've already got the live in Mainer saying WATER the right way and that's a real achievment, believe me.

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: MBSLynne
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 08:45 AM

Can we also pronounce the 'T's in the middle of words as T and instead of both 'T's and 'D's being pronounced the same, and so avoid unnecessary confusion? Mind you...that may mean the English will have to remember that there IS such a thing as a letter 'T' in the middle of any words..

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 08:56 AM

Whatever you say fritend!

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: GUEST
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 09:01 AM

You may want to re read your history and see what happened the last two times you tried to impose your will on us.
This is America where we have the right to be wrong, irrational and stupid enough to elect another Bush

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 09:07 AM

Re No 5. Baseball is played outside of America. In England it's called rounders and played by schoolgirls.

Can I nip outside for a quick fag now?

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 09:32 AM

It's played by big girls in America.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: Cluin
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 11:07 AM

The original post consisted of a joke that went around on e-mail about 4 years ago, after the last election's problems. It was more humorous then, considering the situation regarding the inconclusive results. It's just been adapted and recycled for this go-round, not all that successfully, IMO.

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: mack/misophist
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 11:27 AM

Personally, as a US citizen, I look foreward to the replacement of American style 'football' with the real thing.

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: frogprince
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 12:00 PM

Heck, Cluin, I think it's at least as appropriate this time around. Sorry to hear it's a joke, I took it seriously and breathed a sigh of relief.

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: Juan P-B
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 12:40 PM

Does this mean that when they have a 'World Series' now they have to invite other nations

And...... when meeting OUR head of state (EIIR) they only need go down on one knee (Oops... Past Presidential protocol)

Juan P-B

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 01:06 PM

Nitpick alert!

Baseball is played outside of the US. It's big (and excellent) in Cuba, and big (and excellent) in Japan. So excellent in both places that US baseball teams fall over themselves to recruit the top players from those places.   I certainly agree that calling the US championships "the World series" smacks of chutzpah in the extreme.

Another nitpick: "American" football is played in Japan. Their word for it translates as "armored football".

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: grumpy al
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 01:56 PM

in the original post point two states "there is no such thing as U.S. English" how right you are! but the English the Americans speak is far more original English than the fancy spellings and pronounciations we have to put up with now. Most of the American English travelled across the herring pond with the Pilgrim Fathers, it is us, the Brits who have screwed up our own language.

Comments anyone?

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: Metchosin
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 02:04 PM

one more small addition, when a customer says, "Thank you", upon the completion of a transaction, the standard reply from a sales clerk will now be, "You're welcome", instead of "Uh huh."

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: el_punkoid_nouveau
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 04:16 PM

grumpy al - you ignore the evolutionary nature of language, whereby English (as spoken by the denizens of England) has evolved but is still English. By the same token, the language uttered in the US is rightfully American, a relative of English. Therefore, if you are determined to speak English, one should speak the proper language - like wot we does.

epn

PS Can we let them off if they promise to keep Mr Blair?

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 05:25 PM

Biscuits are sweet hard baked pastry things that one eats while sipping a cup of darjeeling.

Gravy is brown stuff served over beef and Yourkshire puddings.

The biscuits and gravy sevred on the west side of the atlantic are henceforth known as plain scones and white sauce...

:D

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 09:54 AM

"This is America where we have the right to be wrong, irrational and stupid enough to elect another Bush"

If God had wanted Americans to have a President, he would have given them candidates...

Remember, George himslef told everybody that he was the one...

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: jacqui.c
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 04:41 PM

Kendall says "What killed the dinosaurs was their inability to adjust to a changing environment."

For myself - it's taken until now to confirm that 'biscuits' are, in fact, scones so that when we have KFC on the UK side of the pond we can ensure that he at least gets those! (He's still arguing the point though)

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: DougR
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 06:59 PM

Ho Hum. As though we give a tinker's damn what the people of Great Britain or any other country thinks about who WE elect as president. We don't tell them who to bow down to as King or Queen,or who should be PM, and it is no business of theirs who we elect as president.

DougR

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: kendall
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 08:45 PM

Doug it sure as hell IS their business! This world is much smaller than you think.
As former prime minister,Trudeau of Canada said, "Living next to America is like sleeping with an elephant. No matter how benevolent it is, you still feel every little movement."

It's just the kind of arrogance you just displayed that makes the whole world fear and hate us. History is repeating itself, and people like you are too blind to see it.

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: Fergie
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 09:51 PM

I was travelling on a bus through that part of Dublin known as Clontarf. An American tourist was sitting beside me, "Clontarf" said he "I've heard about this place, is it famous for something?". "Yes" sez I "There was a battle fought here a little while back?". "Oh!" said he "when did that happen". "1014" sez I. "Aw shucks" said he looking at his watch "missed it by fiftyfive minits".

Fergus

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 27 Nov 04 - 08:22 AM

If God would have wanted the Citizens of the USA to have a Real President, he would have them them Real Candidates.

Subject: RE: BS: Just a laugh
From: Cluin
Date: 27 Nov 04 - 12:10 PM

That's for sure. It wasn't the best and brightest trying out for the job, was it?