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Cheer me up PLEASE
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Subject: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Webby Date: 16 Dec 98 - 10:57 AM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'Can any of you Mudcatters out there cheer me up with a joke or something? I've had a rotten day with an announcement of redundancies at work and i've forgot to take anything out of the freezer for my dinner tonight. What a BUMMER!!! |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Bert Date: 16 Dec 98 - 11:12 AM We love you Webby. Where do you live? If it's anywhere near a Mudcateer, he or she will sing to you, or invite you 'round or something. Can't think of anything that is funny in that situation though. I've been there myself and it's tough. Keep your chin up, things WILL improve. Bert. |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Big Mick Date: 16 Dec 98 - 11:19 AM Webby, Do you know what the boss got on his IQ test? Drool Do you know how to get the boss out of the tree? Cut the rope. Best I can do on short notice. All the best, Mick, working on someone elses computer |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Liam's Brother Date: 16 Dec 98 - 11:30 AM Dear Webster! Try to forget that inside every silver lining there is a cloud. For example, If you have forgotten to take anything out of the freezer for dinner, this is a great excuse to eat that entire tub of ice cream on the second shelf! Companies always lay people off just before the holidays. It's a great way for poor managers to prove to themselves that they are all powerful. Sounds like you were working too hard anyway. Go on the dole for a bit and start a little business in your home that will give you a "nest egg" for the next wicked turn in the road! All the best. |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Susan-Marie Date: 16 Dec 98 - 11:39 AM Webby - Go to the thread on "How do you learn songs", skip to the middle where Alice talks about learning songs in the shower, and enjoy the silliness that follows in the ensuing posts. Somewhere there's a web site for musician jokes - you could do a forum search for "jokes" and you might find it. The possibility of being out of work is scary. It might help to think of other times in the past when you've faced a terrifying situation and how it all worked out in the long run. Hang in there and enjoy that ice cream. |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Gearoid Date: 16 Dec 98 - 11:40 AM Webby Hope these do the trick ???? A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young attractive woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheseborough Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline. She certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "yes". Asked how she used it, she said "to assist in the performance of sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always lie and say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge. But we know that most use it for sexual intercourse. "Ma'am, since you've been so frank, would you please tell me exactly how you use it?" Sure! We put it on the bedroom door knob to keep the kids out. On Christmas Eve, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Webby Date: 16 Dec 98 - 11:58 AM I've obviously got a lot of mates out there. Thanks and keep the replies coming. |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: an old friend Date: 16 Dec 98 - 01:39 PM Hi. I was made a "budget-cut" after 10 plus yrs. with the same employer. what I have learned is that when we need to move out of a particular experience, but are afraid of the unknown, God will give us a nudge and we will be moved. It may seem awful at first but there is always something better waiting. Hang in there kiddo, you'll find out for yourself. In the meantime, enjoy the time of year and the season, you are Blessed. Pray about it. Worry doesn't solve a thing. I love the jokes Gearoid, got anymore? The first one is a real jewel. Thanks for sharing that one. |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Ralph Date: 16 Dec 98 - 01:57 PM Samething happend to me. But I didn't have a freezer. Ended up living in the Santa Cruze mountians for three months...In the winter, in a tent. But we did have running water, it ran right through the canvas. Hang in there, listen to a good polka, or even a bad polka. Do the dole, but start getting resumes out, right away! Don't be afraid to try something new. -Ralph |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: The Shambles Date: 16 Dec 98 - 02:09 PM The joke about the Vasaline made me think about an incident that happened to me when I had just returned to ‘civilisation’ after twelve years in Shetland. There was this market researcher in the town centre who seemed to be having a very high success rate in getting people to stop an answer her questions. This was not too much of a surprise, because as I found out when she approached me, she had a question that it was almost impossible not answer yes to. The question, that she would ask in a very loud voice was “do you use under-arm deoderant”? You had to be very brave not to stop and talk to her, because the only way to do it was to answer no. I said no and she was very suprised, I must have been the first one, by the look on her face. But just in case there is anybody reading this that was there that day I do really,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, honest! I hope that helps and remember, we work to live, we don’t live to work |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Peter T. Date: 16 Dec 98 - 02:23 PM Dear Webby, There is also Web creativity which you can use, apart from the warmth of Mudcats everywhere. For instance -- this is a true story -- I have a friend who was laid off from a really scummy company, and she was sitting around with some other friends one day feeling sorry for herself, and then after a few drinks they cooked up the idea of creating a Web page telling the truth about the company and made sure that they had all the keyword searches lined up, so that whenever anyone searched for the company on the Web, they found her page (with a slightly different URL). This lasted about one week, and then the lawyers got on to her, and she told them that the rules about this sort of thing were not altogether clear yet on the Web, and so on. The company informed her about a week later that she was getting a "revised" severance package, several thousand dollars richer, to get rid of the site. It pays to advertise. Yours, Peter T. |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: FIDDLER MIKE Date: 16 Dec 98 - 02:46 PM Webby These are old but I'm easily ammused, so I keep them around for occasional review.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
so what's the speed of dark?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
And be assured, God always provides for our material needs if we believe, trust and pay attention. Mike T.
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Bob Landry Date: 16 Dec 98 - 02:54 PM Hang in there, Webby. I left the employ of a large multinational firm several years ago to set up my own small business. I'll never be rich, but I'm having a lot more fun. Today, in north-central Alberta, the snow is already on the ground and that most dreaded of all meteological phenomena, an Arctic high pressure system is moving in. Our temperature is forecast to plummet to -35 celsius (damn close to 40 below farenheit) by Saturday morning. That's colder than your freezer. Here's a little adage from the frozen white north. A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but really, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. This is the reason you always feel smarter after a few beers.
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Bob Schwarer Date: 16 Dec 98 - 04:27 PM Got my company sold out from under me after 24 years. New people didn't want me so "It's been nice. See you around". That was the best thing that ever happened to me.(well, one of the best). Looking back after another 12 years I can say "Thank you". Hang in there. Funny, but true. (Well not too funny). Leaving the property I came upon the biggest rattlesnake I'd ever seen. Thought it might go have lunch with certain people. Bob S. |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Helen Date: 16 Dec 98 - 07:29 PM Hi Webby, I agree especially with "an old friend". I have found that the most negative experiences and people I have encountered have stirred me into the most into positive action. For 15 I was trapped in a safe, secure public service job which paid the bills and gave me just enough job satisfaction to keep me there for the 14 & a half years after I realised I was in the wrong job. I kept trying to get out of it but the security of it and the fear of not being able to survive financially just kept me immobilised. Through a series of other short term jobs I have now taken a flying leap off a very tall cliff (that's how it feels right now) to set up my own business and I'm living below the poverty line and just barely managing to find money for the bills when they arrive, but... It is the best thing I have ever done because one of my key life goals is to make sure that I have quality of life in the emotional & psychological sense. I could never have that in my long-term job, and the future looks a lot brighter for me now than it ever has in my 2o-something years of being in the workforce. Hang in there, but more importantly, after you recover from the shock, start to think about what you *really* want in your life. Helen P.S. My business is helping people to identify their life and career goals, and to delve into the deep/fundamental values and desires we all have which are the foundation for making a clear plan of action for our lives. If it helps to talk about these things please feel free to e-mail me. You can send a private message through the Mudcat members list. Just go back to the main Mudcat Forum page and click on Messages, and look for my name It's either Helen or Helen in Oz. |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Helen Date: 16 Dec 98 - 07:33 PM On a lighter note: at our regular Tuesday night music session this week someone told us about this scientific analysis of Santa's Christmas activities. I used my favourite trusty internet search engine and found it at Central Valley Christian School's Christmas Page http://www.cvc.org/christmas/science.htmcousteau See - work doesn't necessarily make us healthy & happy. Helen Bah, Humbug, Virginia! Ok, I am a scrooge. I tell my physics students that there is no Santa Claus! Well, if I lie about that, they might think I am lying about more important matters, too. Well, on to my rebutle (B000!...I know, I know.) to Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus: IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS? As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. 1.No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2.There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each. 3.Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. 4.The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 5.353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now. Read the counter-rebuttle to the above rebuttle from the folks of X-mas Files who claim to have proof not only that Santa exists, able to travel at great speeds, but that he existed in prehistoric times!!! Grandma Got Runover By A Reindeer Here is the theme song for you die-hard Santa people! It is a "au" file of 280 kb.
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Ajaleigh Date: 16 Dec 98 - 08:49 PM Gee Helen! u ruined MY christmas! just kidding. I just have a joke for webby. A man was driving down the road and hit a rabbit. He got out of his car and picked it up and moaned "oh my god! I can't belive I hit this poor rabbit!" Another man pulled over to see if everthing was okay. When he saw the guy, he asked "What happened?" The first guy answered "Oh I hit this ppor rabbit and killed it and I feel awful!" The second guy thought a second, then went over to his trunk, pulled out a bottle, and sprayed some on the rabbit. A few seconds later, the rabbit jumps out of the man's arms, hops, waves, hops, waves, and hops and waves till he's out of sight. The guy who hit the rabbit looked at the second guy and asked "What WAS that stuff!?" The man answered "Hair/hare restorer with permanent wave!" isn't it cute? lots of laughs! Aja
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Harry O Date: 16 Dec 98 - 09:05 PM Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Why, then, did the Dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens hadn't been invented yet. Ho, Ho, Ho!!!!!!!! |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Alice Date: 16 Dec 98 - 11:46 PM OK, here's one:
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. Therefore: he came to be known as a "Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
cheer up!!! that's an order!! (do I sound like your boss?) alice in montana
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Alice Date: 17 Dec 98 - 12:08 AM St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.
The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?" (you will be sorry you asked.... I've got a million of 'em.) alice |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Alice Date: 17 Dec 98 - 12:15 AM Then, there is how NOT to fill out your next job application: --------
DESIRED POSITION:
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Alice Date: 17 Dec 98 - 12:24 AM And, then there is the lifestyle of those transients in our community that we watch come and go about every two years. They move to Montana after cashing in a job and house in some other more populated, less mountainous, scenery deprived, but lucrative location, .... to live their dream lifestyle of a cabin in the mountains!! --------
Diary of a Snow Shoveler
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again! I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt a bunch. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think, was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the darn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. The blasted snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to empty my bladder. By the time I got undressed, did my thing and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I know the guy is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the one who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the blasted snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the white slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to hurt her.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -50 and the pipes froze, but at least it is too cold to snow!!!!!!!!
December 28: Warmed up to above -30, still can't snow any more though. Still snowed in and the wife is driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed? alice in montana
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: McMusic Date: 17 Dec 98 - 12:57 AM OK Webby-- Here's one just for Christmas: Have you heard about Rudolph the Brown Nosed Reindeer? He's just as quick as the Red Nosed one, but he doesn't stop as fast. Hang in there. It gets better. And remember, one day the revolution WILL come..... Fleas Navidad |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: BSeed Date: 17 Dec 98 - 01:13 AM Now, somebody cheer me up. We were getting ready for a Holiday potluck at the independent studies center where I teach when one of my colleagues came out, ashen faced, saying we had started bombing Iraq. I had been planning to go to San Francisco to attend an anti-impeachment rally this evening, but my head's in a whole nother place now: Impeach the bastard, but for the right reasons. --seed |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Joe Offer Date: 17 Dec 98 - 02:03 AM I've been having a bad day, too. I think I'll put Vaseline on my doorknob and see what happens..... -Joe Offer- |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Steve Parkes Date: 17 Dec 98 - 03:55 AM WARNING: make sure you take your clothes off before you put the Vaseline on the door knob! Steve |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Gearoid Date: 17 Dec 98 - 04:38 AM Some of these may not be everyone's cup of tea (but the exagerated innocence of childhood is comical) You have been warned Webby hope this thread cheered you up !!!! Nollaig Shona duit (Happy Christmas to you) Gearoid LITTLE JOHNNY - 1 Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!" LITTLE JOHNNY - 2 Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!" LITTLE JOHNNY - 3 One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'" LITTLE JOHNNY - 4 A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" LITTLE JOHNNY - 5 Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!" Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?" LITTLE JOHNNY - 6 A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realises Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to 'fuck' with the Lone Ranger." LITTLE JOHNNY - 7 Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again! LITTLE JOHNNY - 8 A few days after Christmas, a mother working in her kitchen was listening to her little Johnny playing with his new electric train in the adjoining room. She heard the train stop and the son said, "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off right now, 'cause this is the last stop...and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the goddam train 'cause we're leaving." The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours and think about what you said, and when you come outyou may play with your train again, but I want you to use much nicer language. Two hours later, the son came out of his bedroomand resumed playing with the train. Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. Thank you for riding with us today and we hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat. Remember please that there is no smoking except in the Club Car. We hope you will have a pleasant relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the ugly stinkin' bitch in the kitchen!" LITTLE JOHNNY - 9 Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother howmuch she weighs. Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room. On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!" LITTLE JOHNNY - 10 Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God". The teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand. The little boy says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love." "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no", she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part ofhe body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Dani Date: 18 Dec 98 - 03:50 PM Joe, I'm not sure I'd leave so much to chance if I were you... |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Moe Date: 18 Dec 98 - 04:44 PM Hey Webby, If you go into the bathroom an American and you come out of the bathroom an American, what are you while your in the bathroom? You're a peein'! |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Alice Date: 18 Dec 98 - 04:53 PM My all-time favorite kid's joke, which I first heard from my son.... ------------
What do the bees say when they come home from work?
HI, Honey!!!! |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Harry O Date: 18 Dec 98 - 05:41 PM Yer Man goes into a bar accompanied by a giraffe. The barman says nothing. "Two pints," says Yer Man,"one for me and one for my friend." The barman serves the drinks. Fifteen pints later, the giraffe sinks to the floor. Yer Man turns round and heads for the door. "Hey!", says the barman,"You can't leave that lyin' there." "Thash not a lion. Thash a shiraffe.!" says Yer Man.
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Len N Date: 18 Dec 98 - 06:53 PM Pete Seeger and Arlo used to play a song that would make a nice farewell tune. I have always assumed the title was "Goodbye my Roseanna", but if the title is not correct, the chorus is Bye bye, Bye bye, Bye bye Good bye my Roseanna Bye bye, Bye bye, Bye bye And I won't be back tomorrow Len |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Bob Landry Date: 18 Dec 98 - 06:53 PM Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we're privates," protests Jasper. "We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we're privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We're sergeants now." So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why'd you give me the okay?" "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates. " He points to his stripes. "But, we're sergeants now." :-)) |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Len N Date: 18 Dec 98 - 06:56 PM Oops, somehow I got lost and sent a message to the wrong thread Len |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: murray@mpce.mq.edu.au Date: 18 Dec 98 - 07:54 PM I don't know if other people's hard luck will cheer you up; but the story has a happy ending. A friend of mine in New Zealand fell off a ladder while he was painting his house and was seriously injured. After he had been incapacitated for a few months his company fired him. This made him very depressed for about a year. He couldn't do anything he used to do. He couldn't play the keyboard, couldn't play squash, and he was the type of guy whose entire identity seemed to be in his job. Fortunately N.Z. has a very civilized welfare program and he wasn't in financial trouble. Anyway he comes over to Sydney once a year to visit us and as soon as he was healthy enough he came over. We were worried about how depressed he was the first year we saw him. Then something happened. The Y200 problem came up. He is an old fashioned computer programmer, and one of the few who is good with the mainframe computers used by a large company there. He is now fully employed. Not only that, but he is in demand and he is back to his old self. Murray |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Ajaleigh Date: 19 Dec 98 - 12:12 PM A guy went into a pet store to ask for a pet that could do anything and everything. How about a dog?" the owner asked "no. they can't do everything." so the owner went down a list, but the guy rejected all of them. Then the owner asked "How about a centipede?" The guy doubted that it could do anything and everything, but he gave it ashot and took it home. When he got there, he told it to clean the kitchen and went into the back room. When he came back 20 min. later, everything was clean:the appliances were spakling, the counters shined, the dishwasher was unlaoded and everything was in it's place. Thw guy was suprised, but wasn't sure yet, so he told it to clean the living room. When he came back 15, min later, everything was vacuumed, the pillows were fluffed, the couch had been cleaned. So the guy, really pleased now, said" Allright. Go get me the paper." 20 min went by...he wasn't back, half an hour later, still wasn't back, 45 minutes later, the guy went out to check, thinking maybe he was hurt, or run over, or dead! But when he opened the door, the centepede was still there. "What're u doing!" he asked, "i asked u to get the paper 45 minutes ago!" "I'm goin! i'm goin! I'm puttin my shoes on!" :) |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Alice Date: 19 Dec 98 - 11:58 PM Webby, here is another joke about being on the job, maybe a case of strategic planning.... alice -------
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the faces of the Workers.
And they spoke amongst themselves, saying, "It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinks."
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pile of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that is how sh*t happens.
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Alice Date: 20 Dec 98 - 12:14 AM Q. How many computer engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. It takes 389 computer engineers to screw in a lightbulb: One to complain that the problem is due to faulty wiring, not the lightbulb. One to call in a consultant to screw in the lightbulb. Eighty seven to debug the work the consultant does. And three hundred more to post notes to computer mailing lists arguing about the basic design flaws of the lightbulb, reminiscing about the good old days when candlelight ruled, and discussing possible technological advances in lightbulb functionality in the future. |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: BSeed Date: 20 Dec 98 - 03:41 AM q. How many Marin County residents does it take to screw in a light bulb? a. Marin County residents don't screw in light bulbs. They screw in hot tubs. q. What's yellow and green, six feet long, and hangs from trees in the jungle? a. Elephant snot. q. What do you get if you cross an elephant with peanut butter? a. An elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth. --seed |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Barbara Shaw Date: 20 Dec 98 - 12:45 PM This is actually a Dick Greenhaus joke (and I'll try not to screw it up this time, Dick . . . I still laugh picturing you coming back down the stairs yelling, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY MOOSE JOKE?") Q: What's the difference between a moose and a symphony orchestra? A: The moose has horns in the FRONT and asshole in the BACK.
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Steve Parkes Date: 21 Dec 98 - 07:48 AM Q ... and how many Applications Programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A None - they'll always try and make the old one work. Q So how many saxophone players does it take to change a light bulb |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Alice Date: 21 Dec 98 - 12:35 PM .... and then there are those dreaded job evaluations: -------------
>Actual lines out of U.S. Military Officer Evaluation Report |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: DonMeixner Date: 22 Dec 98 - 06:45 PM Webby, Did you hear about the corduroy pillowcases? They're making headlines. Don |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: McMusic Date: 22 Dec 98 - 09:14 PM How many shrinks does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one--but the lightbulb has to really want to change. How many conservatives does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10. One to change the bulb, and nine to stand around saying how much better the old bulb was. How many government workers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Four. One to change the bulb, and three to file environmental impact statements. |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Barbara Date: 22 Dec 98 - 11:17 PM Bank opens and this really nattily dressed frog strides in , takes the first available teller, Ms. Patricia Whack, and, leaning on the counter, tells her he wants to take out a loan. "Indeed," she says, raising an eyebrow. "For how much?" "$30,000", the frog replies. "And what do you intend to do with this $30,000, Mr, Mr,?" "Jaegger, Kermit Jaegger", says the frog, " I thought I'd maybe buy a yacht and cruise the Carribean for a while." "Indeed," says Ms. Whack, and raises the other eyebrow. "You have some collateral, I presume?" The frog reaches into his pocket and pulls out this exquisite little pink porcelain elephant, and sets it on the counter. "This??" she says, "This is your collateral??" and off she stomps to the bank manager, and plops the elephant down on his blotter. "There's a frog over there at my window wants a $30,000 loan, and he's offering us this to secure his loan." The bank manager smiles and steeples his hands and nods. "That's right," he says. "What is it anyway??!?", she demands. READY? "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Alice Date: 22 Dec 98 - 11:36 PM A piece of string went into a bar to buy a drink.
The bartender says, "Get outta here, we don't serve drinks to string."
The string goes out and walks around the corner, where he ties a knot in his top part and makes the end all fuzzy.
The string goes back in the bar and orders a drink.
Bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string I just threw out of here?" "No, I'm a frayed knot." |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Alice Date: 22 Dec 98 - 11:41 PM Classified Ads -------------
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
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Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for preschool.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an
We do not tear your clothing with machinery.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Wanted. Widower with school age children requires
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home. |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Alice Date: 22 Dec 98 - 11:57 PM The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: Alice Date: 23 Dec 98 - 12:00 AM Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system is many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" |
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Subject: RE: Cheer me up PLEASE From: sail Date: 23 Dec 98 - 12:19 AM What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck. |
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