BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 09 Dec 05 - 03:31 PM

Sage feels a damp spot on the side of her pants leg, but can't account for it's source. Pulling her reading glasses out of her pack, she proceeds to the sack of corn and finds the one little piece of white thread in the stitched top that, when pulled, allows the bag to easily zip open. It sticks. She pulls a little harder, and the whole thing suddenly unzips. Still upright against the wall, the open top reveals large yellow whole dry kernals. The bag is a veritable duck cornucopia there under the tree.

Next she turns to the dog food, but stops when a single sharp claw catches the fabric of her pants and barely nicks her skin through her sock beneath. "Hissssss. Not that one. This one."

Right. Cat food first.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: gnomad
Date: 09 Dec 05 - 09:17 AM

At the third try, the cellar door opens witha soft thump. A strange aroma part animal, part stale beer, pervades the room. Through it appears a banner showing a Heath-Robinson pancake machine, the banner lurhes slightly with the shuffling gait of the gnomad which is bearing it. Wild-eyed, hairy, confused and very evidently the source of the aroma, it surveys the room and company with caution.

Seeing no immediate threat it closed the door, and shuffles towards the petfood, muttering.

"Wonder how long I been asleep in that dive...talk out low, and I've been to some places...talk about snow and ice don't usually bother me, but that duck...Try not the pass, it said... but a six foot duck, in red trousers...must know sunp'n, or was that old man ribber?"

gnomad looks dubiously at the petfood, then at the presents beneath the tree, pauses, then rummages ia a carrier marked Google. Placing a beautifully hand-crafted blickie marked "Merry Christmas Gluon" gnomad dusts his hands.

"Excelsior," he remarks, to nobody in particular and spotting the door marked washroom, lurches towards it.

"Food, need food...better get cleaned up first though or they'll toss me out for sure...up i dee, up i dah..."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 09 Dec 05 - 09:15 AM

The almost frozen squirrel feels the heat slowly seeping back into his motheaten fur. It had been a mistake to don the wet skin he realised for not only was he cold and wet but it would take several hot baths with pungent unguments to eradicate the odour of squid. The sooner he did this the better though for every cat in the room had caught the scent and was eyeing him ominously.

Pausing just long enough to thank Sage for her kindness and grab a warming bottle of rum, he dragged himself towards the Recovery Room bathroom. Ah bliss, the warm scented water caressed his aching body, the rum caressed his brain cell and he slipped into a deep sleep.

Back in the tavern they thought someone had started a chainsaw as the snores reverberated through the foundations, shaking the tree.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Dec 05 - 09:07 AM

So...it's not very neutrinoish, huh? Poor put, it's probably produced on machinery that has also processed antimatter and you know what that'll do to his digesti...where'd it go? And what's that eating sound over there in the other corner's corner?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 09 Dec 05 - 09:02 AM

reading the small script on the label of Duck-dog food:

Collapsed matter, anti-particle clusters, wavicles, gravitons. Less then .001% nutrinos.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 09 Dec 05 - 03:48 AM

And what is this damn orange fruit doing in my lap?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: moonglow
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 11:44 PM

The Texas door swings open violently, almost tearing off its hinges, and fills the room with a blast of frigid air. A young woman wearing a huge jacket, a long flannel skirt, and massive snow-boots steps in, nearly tripping over the threshold in her hurry to get out of the cold. She seems to be struggling with a small bag, which appears to be quite heavy for its size. Dropping it on the bar with a heavy thud, she turns away to close the door, revealing to the observer the label on the package: "For Gluon," written in curly script.

"What the hell is that made of?" she grumbles, glaring at the heavy bag, as she takes off her coat, flinging it into the corner (nearly missing Rapaire). She sits down quietly in another corner, embarrassed as everyone is now staring at her, and calls for a mug of cocoa.

"...and don't skimp on the marshmallows!" She sits back and looks around, as Clementine settles into her lap.

"Whew... I got here early this year."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 05:45 PM

Well, hell, that's a FINE howdy-do! Food for everyone EXCEPT poor old Gluon, huh? You got something against multidimensional, multiquanta, duck dogs or something?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Reliable Narrator
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 05:36 PM

Overnight the lovely sweet-smelling fir tree was decorated with bows, shiny glass balls, case-hardened gingerbread cookies and assorted animal treats by the Tavern's cats, ducks, and humans. The squid hung the star on the top in a move no one can easily describe, so I won't. In the morning gifts started to accumulate underneath, most of them wrapped in colorful paper. Three notable exceptions were the bags of dry food—dog food, cat food, and dried corn for the ducks. These leaned against the wall beside the tree where they had been placed by a good Samaritan. "Thanks, Mudcat critters, for lovely memories in days gone by" said a note on the sack of corn, attached with a dab of silver duct tape.

Clementine, the rotund calico, sat near the forgotten harness in the beams above the tree, comfortably twitching her tail and eyeing the dogs eyeing the cat eyeing the squirrel in the pocket. A movement in the corner of her eye had Clementine suddenly leap from the beam onto the harness rope and bungee jump swiftly to within three feet of the floor. A large barn owl circled the room, startling all out of their warm holiday contemplation of the food chain, radically shifting their positions from one of "predator" to one of "meal."

Just then, Mmario walked into the room carrying a hot platter of something that smelled wonderful, and Rapaire lurched forward from his bench in the corner. . .

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 04:57 PM

Toss some of those cookies over this way Mmario, I've not had any dinner today and I'm too tired to either cook or eat....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 04:13 PM

If that squirrel is named 'Precious' I may toss my cookies. and since they just came out of the oven (white Chocolate, baileys and pecan) and are HOT you don't want that!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: My guru always said
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 04:06 PM

'Hmmm, what's she got in her pocketses?', the sharp-eyed Tabby thinks to herself while keeping a sharp eye on the interested hounds....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 02:02 PM

A sharp-eyed cat, sitting on a chair that is tucked under the edge of a table, notices the bulge in Sage's jacket pocket begin to shift as the semi-hairless squirrel inside warms. Her sharp-eyed pooches notice the sharp-eyed cat under the table and begin to wag tentatively and creep forward.

For those who read this secret language of white, you may want to seek cover. It's bound to get messy and noisy.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 01:54 PM

Mmmmmmmmm roast squirrel.. .very tasty. Comes with its own hazelnut stuffing.....

The Office Party is tomorrow, today everyone else decked the office with swags of tatty tinsel, manky mobiles and putrid yellow paperchains. I grinched in my corner and just put my solitary bauble on the begonia. I'm going out to dinner with a gorgeous young man instead of the office party.... I ain't completely stupid!

So... fill me up Barkeep, got to have a good base on which to lay that Spanish wine! (_)?
LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 01:04 PM

Nothin' like poached squirrel brains on toast! -- for you. I really don't care for them. Thanks anyway. Really, no, I just ate. Help yourself.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 12:45 PM

*hand-cleaning the 9,651,734,331st krill, before carefully dipping into chocolate and setting aside to allow chocolate coating to harden*

Well - the krill isn't *HOT*, but it isn't cold. and there's a vat of Incandescent Pickle Chili ready

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 11:11 AM

Sage prys a frozen squirrel off of the windowsill on the Tavern porch, and tucks it into her pocket to warm it up.

Brrrrrrrrr but it's cold out that Texas door today! Barkeep, what do we have back there to eat that is hot?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Dec 05 - 09:08 AM

Down at the bottom is an ad for "Traditional kilts made from Cornish tartan. Great prices."

And all along I'd thought that the Cornish tartan was an endangered species...good eatin', though.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 07 Dec 05 - 08:05 PM

Sorry, no stilts here, but we do have a step-stool behind the bar. Will that help? You'll have to launder your own quilt--just head through the coat closet into the Recovery Ward and use the laundry facilities in there. Better tiptoe so Nurse Ratched doesn't hear you. And don't wake Spaw, if he turns up in there one of these days.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 05 - 01:16 PM

The guilt was felt upon a gilt guilt stilt, of course.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 05 - 11:53 AM

Yes, he felt guilt about having spilt beer and silt upon the quilt while on a stilt.

Mostly because when his wife found out he was gonnna be kilt.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 05 - 09:52 AM

Standing on a stilt, he felt guilt about having spilt beer upon the quilt.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 07 Dec 05 - 09:43 AM

"guilt"" rhymes as does "spilt" and "quilt". Should be another verse in that.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 07 Dec 05 - 09:42 AM

And I just bet you were doing the actions to that song.....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 05 - 09:13 AM

Yummy, he said to himself, chocolate covered krill!

And he sang!

We're men, we're men in tights.
We roam around the forest looking for fights.
We're men, we're men in tights.
We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right!
We may look like sissies, but watch what you say or else we'll put out your lights!
We're men, we're men in tights,
Always on guard defending the people's rights.

We're men, MANLY men, we're men in tights. Yeah!
We roam around the forest looking for fights.
We're men, we're men in tights.
We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right!
We may look like pansies, but don't get us wrong or else we'll put out your lights.
We're men, we're men in tights (TIGHT tights),
Always on guard defending the people's rights.
When you're in a fix just call for the men in tights!

And having another, sang another in an awful Scottish accent:

We're Men!! We're men in KILTS!
(lisping) YES!
And we all know, what's hanging below, it never wilts!
We're Me-en, men in kiiiiiiilts,
If you lift up the plaid, it can be sayed, which way it tilts!
You might think we're just nancys, but we're surly, pissed off and mean!
And if you call it a dress or skirt, then we'll have to stab ya in your spleen!
Yeah! We're MEN! (manly men!) Men in KILTS! (lisping) YES!
Look down below, and then you'll know, how well we're built!
We're me-en, Men in kiiiiiiiilts,
And we can't think of anything else that rhymes with "Ilt!"
You might think that we're pansies, but you have to be brave to dress like this!
If you keep pissing us off, we'll grab yer throat and give ya a Glasgow kiss!

...and continues to repeat the verses at random and off-key until he again fell asleep clutching his piobrach-and-water....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Leadfingers
Date: 07 Dec 05 - 07:46 AM

And the Men in Tights are moaning all the way to the bank that there
wont be any booze or food left in the Tavern by the time we stop doing Christmas Entertainment for the Hoi Polloi of the Thames Valley !

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 07 Dec 05 - 06:01 AM

I thought you liked your salad covered in chocoloate, Liz!
MMario - what about a side dish of Krill. There's a thread
detailing their escape routes, so it should be easy to set nets to haul them in. I'm sure it would keep the old squid out of trouble for a week or two.
Oh and barperson - I'll have a pint of beer - This sounds like a suitable one to go with it - Jolly Roger Christmas Ale.
Good health to all
Quack!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 06:52 PM

Any chance of another beer in the corner here? I've been singing all evening with little boys, and they aren't half so much fun as big ones.

Pass over some of that Rapa Nui, but please, I like my salads like I like my men... undressed!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 11:58 AM

we'll just turn him in to the Gnome Libration Army for impersonation of a garden ornament. they'll take care of him!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 11:45 AM

Leadfingers you swine, lurking in the undergrowth no doubt disguised as a garden ornament!

This man must be an imposter, he claims to be a banjo player!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Leadfingers
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 11:37 AM

1oo the post !!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 11:30 AM

My, my. That sounds delicious.

And so, have escaped from the --men's Room by the subtle disguise of crawling out a window and returning, whistling nonchalantly, through the side door, he asks quietly for a drink. A triple. Neat. Of Everclear.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 11:03 AM

Christmas 2005
Mudcat Tavern

For The Carnivorous:

Therium Platter - a mixed grill of your choice of the following, grilled to your taste over a mixture of Zitan, Purpleheart, Torimiro and Rapa Nui Giant Palm. Served with a variety of dipping sauces and a side salad.

        Uintatherium
        Baluchitherium
        Chalicotherium
        Indricatherium
        Paraceratherium


Patagonian Doedicurus - boneless bite-sized pieces of tender * filet stewed in the animals own armourplate; over Giant Palm charcoal. Includes chopped Maca, krlìing and skirrets

*Our Doedicurus are prime young animals taken before their growth makes the meat tough. No specimen over 12 foot passes our rigid standards.

Passenger Pigeon - grilled or deep fried served with a side of Rapa Nui Giant Palm heart slaw

Aurochs Tamale Pie (serves 2)


For the Herbivores:

Malabar Gourd a Gratin - the tender gourd baked with cheese and a subtle sauce of Aurochs cream and Dodo eggs

Peruvian Platter - a balanced mix of Yacon and Oca crisps, served on a tender crisp bed of Ulloca leaves

Mashua Medley - white yellow red and purple Mashua , diced, sauted and artistically arranged on a bed of mixed greens.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 10:08 AM

Why don't you make auroch tamale pie? I have a good cornbread recipe to put over the top of it.

Someone wring out that raccoon in the rafters, please--it's dripping on the bar. Anyone taking bets on when Rapaire decides to retreat from the laddies room? Is he going to hide in a stall in shame until everyone else leaves the room so he can exit undetected?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 06 Dec 05 - 09:51 AM

well - they've discovered a new animal in Borneo - and I was thinking it might star in our Christmas menu - but it turns out to be a carnivore - and most mammalian carnivores tend to have too strong a taste for most people. So still looking for a good suggestion as to what to serve. I could reheat the leftover Aurochs chili.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 09:32 AM

Oh! Rapaire, poor misguided fool, Earleena was of good British yeoman stock and knew the correct spelling of whisky. You shattered your own dreams and illusions by displaying yourself as a COLONIAL!!!

She also understood the significance of the tilted kilt as an obscure Caledonian mating ritual, knowing that the pen is is seldom mightier that the sword when doused with cheap blended whisky. Friskiness is seldom an option.

That squirrel doesn't look very happy up there!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 09:19 AM

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 08:56 AM

What could she have seen in him? he wondered in his sleep. Tall, handsome, virile, wealthy beyond the wildest dreams of Croesus, a doctorate each in physics, mathematics, and astronomy, caring and sensitive and yet an expert outdoorsman able to canoe Class VII rapids using only a single shingle, a former smoke jumper who'd saved an entire mountain village single-handed, one of the founders of Medicins Sans Frontieres -- what could Earleena have seen in him?

He sighed in his sleep for what could have been and awakened suddenly with a Great Need. Sleepily, he stumbled to door marked "Men", little knowing that some trickster had painted over the "Wo". The little icon gave him no pause because of the number of Scotsmen drinking blended whiskey at the bar and who, by the tilt of their kilts, were about to become whiskey frisky.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 05 Dec 05 - 07:03 AM

Squirrels have rights too, said the squirrel pulling on an ill fitting but seemingly discarded racoon skin. Hmmmm, Davey Crockett been around here? The skin was tight, covered in stains of a most unsalubrious nature and somewhat threadbare. It also had a large amount of cat hair and duck feathers adhering to the inside of the pockets. The most curious thing, however, was that it was wet and smelled strongly of cephalopod dropping. My god, a squid disguise!!

Think I'll stay in the rafters a while he thought when, without warning, a huge silver tree thwacked him in the hinquarters and pinned him to the ceiling. It was not going to be a good Christmas!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 10:55 PM

AAAAAlice! AAAAAlice! No where to be found.
Maybe I better take that knish off your hands Stilly. You can have my soul in return.
Gobble...gobble...Yum Yum

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 08:33 PM

Rapaire seems to have shifted in his sleep from the Dickens onto a stack of novels of Hemingway and Fitzgerald and Hilton, with some Ezra Pound and T.S. Eliot poetry in there to bring the stack to a comfortable height.

Knish and tell. . .

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 05:36 PM

Over in the corner, he turned in his sleep and pulled the buffalo robe tighter around him. Dreaming of sugarplums? no -- he dreamt on of his youth, of working in the sewers of Paris so that he could afford to live on the Left Bank while sneaking into classes at the Sorbonne, of his life in the trenches during The Great War, when the gas and shell and Maxim guns tearing the heart out of a generation precluded him from developing friendships because they would be torn asunder by the implacable enemy; of his service with La Legion Etranger and the miles of hiking through the deserts of North Africa where Berbers lurked behind every dune with their jezails primed; and of that sweet young girl he left behind when he first went to Hollywood in search of fame and fortune, the innocent young thing who he had promised to return to and who ended up marrying Clem Bob Simms, the President of the local university instead.

In his sleep he reached again for the bottle of absinthe.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: My guru always said
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 05:05 PM

"Hmm, what's a knish then?" enquired the Very British Female Tabby who hasn't even peed on a banjo, let alone played one "Well at least Alice left me this stash of salmon.... Now, where can I find the tupperware???"

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 02:29 PM

Ah.. is that the aroma of garlic bread I smell? Done to an old Dorset recipe (burnt to buggery).... don't anyone light that candle!!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 12:05 PM

Ah, one of those cats with "attitude."

Sage pulls a nice hot knish out of the warming oven next to the stove in the back room, crumbles it onto a saucer, and puts it on the floor in the corner for the NYC kitty to discover.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 04 Dec 05 - 11:24 AM

Note to Stilly - Alice is NYC born and raised which explains a lot. The move to New England didn't mellow her any.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 11:26 PM

Or was that a New England kitty?

Who's making the wassail this year?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 11:13 PM

Clementine, the bold, bouncy, rotund calico races to the rescue, defty tossing a sheet of Saran Wrap over the top of the salmon before the naughty British kitty can empty her bladder on the remainder of the food.

Carefully rolling and pulling the smarmy plastic from the pristine fish, Clementine helps herself to a mighty cat mouthful before strolling off to sleep in the back of the pickup. "What they don't know won't hurt them," she purrs to herself. . .

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 11:01 PM

He raises his head from his pillow and recites:

The quality of krill is not strain'd,        
It droppeth as a gentle soup from heaven        
Upon the balleen beneath: it is twice bless'd;        
It blesseth him that strains and him that eats:        
'Tis mightiest in the mightiest; it becomes        
The mighty blue whale better than anything;        
His blowhole shows the force of temporal power,        
The attribute to awe and majesty,        
Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of whales;        
But krill is above this watery sway,        
It is enthroned in the hearts of whales,        
It is an attribute to God himself,        
And earthly power doth then show likest God's        
When krill seasons the waters.

And he falls asleep again, without spilling a single droplet.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 10:32 PM

While Ms. Sage is busy with her tacky silver tree, Alice sneaks off to the kitchen, helps herself to a giant portion of salmon, tucks a bit away for her fellow kitties, and pisses on the rest. Out through the north door she sneaks. Merry Christmas to all.