Lyr Add: The Librarian (John Conolly)

Subject: Lyr Add: THE LIBRARIAN (John Conolly)
From: George Henderson NSC
Date: 29 Jan 99 - 09:31 AM

A librarian was doing his job at his desk, in an old public library down by the square
In comes an old woman all heavily laden with all kinds of groceries costly and rare
“Now what can I do for to help or assist you,” says I unto her with a nod and a smile.
“Well it’s a book that I’m wanting ‘cause I’ve heard you’ve the finest selection in many’s the mile.”

“Well let me guess now as to what you’ll be wanting,” says I unto her, “for good reading yourself
And what would compare with a romantic novel so wait and I’ll reach you one down off the shelf.
Now here’s a fine tale of a handsome brain surgeon whose spirits are low and his mind in a rage
‘Til his troubles are eased by a fair pretty maiden and marries there on the very last page.”

“Oh that’s not what I’m wanting at all,” says the lady, “and truth for to tell you the books not for me
But it was me husband that sent me to see if you had in this place any pornography.”
“If it’s pornography that you’re wanting,” says I, “you’ve come to the right place as you’ll very soon see
For under the counter I have a fine stock of the dirtiest books in the whole countery.

“Lady Chatterley’s Lover,” “Last Exit to Brooklyn,” “The Old Perfume Garden,” and “Carnal Desire.”
And every volume is bound with asbestos for fear you have friends that’ll set them on fire.
We’ve got Swedish au pair girls all dressed up in rubber and happy transvestites both gallant and gay
And all other versions that’s known unto man, it’s all on the rates and no money to pay.”

“Oh there must be some mistake,” says the lady, “for that’s not the stuff that I’m looking to see
For me husband’s a pawnbroker not a sex fiend and I fear its not this that he’s wanting to read.
Well he heard about pornography from a friend and I fear it’s a comical error he made
For hearing the word and not knowing the meaning he thought it was something to do with his trade.”

The old pawnbroker’s wife she was highly amused when with rage I began for to stamp and to swear.
And I picked up the copy of her written complaint and I told her to stuff it the devil knows where.
But out of adversity comes opportunity so the old profits and sages do say.
And the pawnbrokers tale well it caused great amusement when told to me colleagues the very next day.

And being well known as a writer of songs that are written on broadsheets and lavatory walls
I went back to my house and I wrote down this song and I called it “The Tale Of The Man With Three Balls.”

HTML line breaks added in place of double spacing. Also deleted a lot of HTML that was apparently posted by mistake. --JoeClone, 18-Feb-02.

Subject: RE: New Lyric - Pawnbrokers wife
From: Art Thieme
Date: 01 Feb 99 - 11:38 AM

This should certainly be put on a pornograph record!

Subject: RE: New Lyric - Pawnbrokers wife
From: Frank McGrath
Date: 01 Feb 99 - 05:24 PM

Dead right Art,
All those references to "Microsoft"
I'm Shocked!!!

Subject: RE: New Lyric - Pawnbrokers wife
From: Pete M
Date: 01 Feb 99 - 08:15 PM

Hi George and welcome.

Just a few notes to add to your posting; "The Librarian" was written by John Conolly and has been recorded by John Leonard and John Squires on "Broken Down Gentlemen" Rubber records RUB018 (Pause for comment from Art)

There are minor differences to the words above, the only ones worth mentioning are as follows.

The first and last lines of the second verse are given as follows which I think have better scansion:

"Let me guess then says I as to what you'll be needing to suit a fine lady such as yourself."
.....
'Til his troubles are eased by a fair pretty maiden and wedding bells chime on the very last page."

In the fourth verse, the last line by Leonard and Squires is given as:

Every perversion that's known unto man, it's all on the rates and no money to pay."

which I prefer, and in the sixth verse the object to be inserted is given as:

And I picked up a copy of Portnoy's complaint and I told her....

which to my mind makes more sense and is in keeping with the previous list of titles.

Pete M

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Librarian (John Conolly)
From: GUEST,Rob P
Date: 24 Oct 05 - 04:21 PM

Love the song. My dad said he was on a plane and heard it over the radio with some modern references. Not many people seem to know what Portnoy's complaint is these days. Can't seem to find them anywhere, anybody got any idea?

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Librarian (John Conolly)
From: treewind
Date: 24 Oct 05 - 04:33 PM

Oh come on! Google will find you plenty of links, and Wikipedia has an article - it's not that difficult to find.

Anahata

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Librarian (John Conolly)
From: 12string growler
Date: 25 Oct 05 - 01:42 PM

John Connolly, the last of the Deep Sea Librarians !!
We were taliking about him at Gainsborough Folk Festival last weekend and it appears that he has re-written several of his songs recently. I commented that he had also interfered with "The Librarian", Much jokularity ensued. I'm sorry I don't have the re-done version but I bet somebody round these parts can provide them.
John is actually a librarian in Grimsby, so I guess this could be from his personal experiences.

Chris

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Librarian (John Conolly)
From: GUEST,George Henderson
Date: 23 Mar 12 - 05:57 AM

I have heard another 2 Librarian comic songs one of which I know John wrote but I am not sure about the other.

The one I know is The fastest mobile library in the West.

The other concerns an amorous affair with the resultat love child calling in the cows in aphabetical order.

My question is, Did John Connolly write that song?

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Librarian (John Conolly)
From: GUEST,George Henderson
Date: 23 Mar 12 - 06:01 AM

Just found it in the DT and so answered my own question. It was written by Joy Rutherford

Subject: RE: Lyr Add: The Librarian (John Conolly)
From: Fergie
Date: 23 Mar 12 - 08:20 AM

Our own Zozimus is the man for singing librarian songs and he does them in his own unique style.

Hear him most Fridays at the Góilín.

Fergus

Subject: Lyr Add: THE LIBRARIAN (John Conolly)
From: GUEST,Kieran Mac
Date: 29 Jul 17 - 10:42 AM

This Is The Lyrics To The Song The Librarian By John Connolly I Think!

THE LIBRARIAN
John Connolly

One fine Monday morn as I sat at my desk
In the old public library down in the square,
In came an old woman all heavily laden
With baskets of groceries costly and rare.

"And what can I do to help and assist you?"
Says I unto her with a laugh and a smile.
"It's a book that I'm wanting," says she "for I hear
You've the finest selection in many's the mile!"

"Well now, let me guess as to what you'll be needing
To suit a fine lady as such as yourself.
And what can compare with a romantic novel?"
So quickly I reaches one down from the shelf.

"Now here's a fine tale of a handsome brain surgeon
Whose body's confused and his mind's in a rage
Until he meets up with a fair pretty maiden
And the wedding bells chime on the very last page!"

"That's not what I'm wanting at all," says the lady.
"In truth for to tell you the book's not for me,
But it was me husband who sent me to find
If you had any books on pornography!"

"If it's pornography that you're wanting," says I,
"Then you're in the right place as you'll very soon see,
For under me counter all wrapped in brown paper
Are dirtiest books in the whole country!"

"Lady Chatterley's Lover, Last Exit in Brooklyn,
The Old Perfumed Garden and Carnal Desire,
And every book is bound in asbestos
For fear your hot breath sets the pages on fire!

"We've Swedish au pair's all wrapped up in leather
And handsome transvestites both gallant and gay,
And every perversion that's known unto man
And it's all the rates; there's no money to pay!"

"I think there must be some mistake," says the lady.
"I'm sure that's not what I'm wanting indeed.
My husband's a pawnbroker and not a sex fiend,
And I am sure that's not what he's wanting to read.

"Oh, he heard about pawn-ography from a friend,
And I think that some comical error he's made,
For hearing the word and not knowing its meaning,
Well, he thought it had something to do with his trade!"

Now the pawnbroker's wife she was highly amused
When with rage I began for to stamp and to swear,
So I picked up a copy of Portnoy's Complaint
And I told her to stick it the-devil-knows-where.

But out of adversity comes opportunity--
So the old prophets and sages do say--
And the Pawnbroker's tale, well it caused great amusement
When told to me colleagues the very next day;

And, being well known as a writer of songs
That is written on broadsheets and lavatory walls,
I went home to my digs and I wrote down this ditty
And I called it the Tale of the Man with Three Balls!