BS: The Gospel of Shatner

Subject: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: 282RA
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 12:29 AM

In the Beginning was the Holy Shatner and upon the ancient realm of Rigel 4 was he begotten. Young Shatner grew and waxed in physique and intellect until many marveled at his overacting. "Verily, I say unto thee," saith the wise ones, "that this one is destined for primetime greatness."

Rigel 4 was governed in those days by an evil ruler named Kodos who longed to land lead parts in movies and television but was told he was too regal-looking and his voice too majestic. "Your acting," he was told, "is too realistic. Never canst thou ever hope to approach the overacting abilities of the One called Shatner" and Kodos was vexed both in heart and mind. Kodos ordered his soldiers, "Bring me the head of this Shatner and let us see him overact his way out of that one," and Kodos laughed his evilest laugh which his soldiers readily agreed was mighty realistic sounding and not like overacting at all.

And they spread over Rigel 4 like a pestilence in search of the young Shatner. When they discovered that he looked like all the other children of his age (since all were clones), Kodos ruled that entire provinces shall wiped out—every man, woman and child. And it was so. But an angel sent by a Hollywood special FX crew warned the Great Mother Shatner that she must take her progeny in hand and flee to the back lot and there she saw her son cast in bits parts as an ordinary extra. Because He was in the background and given no lines, there was no way anyone could ever know that this was the One, the Kirk, the Creator and anyone suspected so out loud, he charged them to tell no man that thing. Instead, the soldiers of Kodos reported that the Shatner's entire family had been eliminated by phasers set on "kill" and Kodos grinned evilly (and received many great reviews for it).

In triumph did Kodos take to the intergalactic stage in his own overacting troupe dedicated to erasing from memory all traces of the Holy Shatner and the people fell into despair. "Kodos is too realistic for sci-fi," they moaned, "We long for the great Shatner. Ah, how quickly is the light of the world extinguished" and they wept bitterly (which was terribly overacted making Kodos quite jealous of this ignorant rabble).

The Young Shatner entered the Federation of Overacting and was given command of his own sci-fi television show. All agreed that his acting had never been more overblown. When word reached Kodos he was wroth to such extent that no one knew if he was overacting or not.

He swore that he would become the arch-enemy of Shatner on the show for episode after episode. But The Great One threw back his head and laughed in totally overblown fashion (can't knock perfection) and relegated Kudos to a single episode playing the leader of a second rate Shakespeare-in-the-galactic-park troupe. And then the Holy Shatner revealed his true motive, he would bring Kodos to justice for the murder of his family. And to prevent Kodos from nabbing anymore bit parts and to avoid scrapes with the Screen Actors' Guild, Great Shatner destroyed Kodos by having him killed by his own psycho daughter (ouch!).

And the Great Shatner went on to overact his way to utter stellar greatness as "T.J. Hooker" where he would out-overact even James Darren and Heather Locklear with their combined overacting powers going full blast and together this triumvirate of overacting talent went nowhere in the ratings and T.J. Hooker fell by the wayside. Sheer victory! After this came, commercial endorsements and a role as a shady, annoying lawyer and who could overact such a difficult role better than the Venerable and Most Worshipful Shatner? May. the. melodramatic. words. of. Our. Lord. Shatner. Be. With. You. All. Amen.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 12:40 AM

This has the ring of true authenticity! And I didn't write it. Heavy duty. Wow.

282RA, you have outdone yourself, and you shall be offered 3 free courses at the WSSBA next semester, and possibly a doctorate!

Well done, brave fellow, well done. Now prepare for the wrath of the anti-Shatnerite forces, vile scum all of them, who will most certainly descend upon you like harpies thirsting for your blood because you DARED to launch a Shatner thread.

And I will probably get blamed for it too.

Well, I'm innocent this time. Totally innocent. You anti-Shatnerite pigs can all go flush yourselves down the disintegration shaft for all I care. You cannot stop The Great Shatner. No one can.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 07:36 AM

there was a film on TV one morning last month - Bill was an agitator for the Klan, stirring up racial hatred. he was very good.

also few would argue with his contribution Kellogs All Bran campaign. He deserves the Congressional medal for that alone. Be nice to Bill.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Kaleea
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 06:43 PM

He's a Captain, not a lawyer, dammit! Or is that Admiral?

Anyone who can sing, er, perform Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds, as does Shat, certainly deserves . . . uh, ummmmmmmmmmmm . . .

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Bill Hahn//\\
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 07:45 PM

Saw him recently on a Twilight Zone.   So young --so thin---so lacking in acting ability.   

The years have gone by. His ability has increased --not to a great extent-- along with his weight. Perhaps a spokesperson for MacDonalds would be good for the former space explorer.   Sitting and drinking w/ his annoying cohort at the end of each episode of one of the saddest replacements for a good TV program can only add to weight gain---unless his cigars negate the problem.

He keeps up the weight thing I doubt that Scotty will be able to beam him up anywhere---leave alone blasting off and leaving gravity behind---especially with that behind.

Bill Hahn

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Jeri
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 07:56 PM

Little Hawk - how COULD you?! ANOTHER thread?!
Garg is going to drop a huge load. Seriously, I think Denny Crane may be the most suitable role for him ever. He does a great job on sleazy and egotistical.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: 282RA
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 08:08 PM

Holy Shatner bumper stickers:

Shatner--The Word Made Fat

WWSD--What Wouldn't Shatner Do?

Nomad is His Son and Spock is His Bitch

Shatner's Career Died For You.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 08:13 PM

I don't call that being nice...

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: 282RA
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 08:15 PM

>>And I will probably get blamed for it too.<<

As indeed you must for you, Hawk, have converted me to Shatnerism. It is you who have turned me into a submissive vessel hallowed only to receive the cool, limpid spirit of the Great One, the Creator.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 01:02 AM

Jeri, you need to adjust your meds or your glasses. I did NOT launch this thread! I have not launched any Shatner threads in a long, long time. 282RA did it. How can I help it that he has seen the light and now worships the One and Only True Shatner?

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: GUEST,Penguin Egg
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 10:31 AM

What is it about Shatner that people don't like? I thought his portrayal of Captain Kirk pretty good. I found Kirk to be a little pompous, but that was the script. Shatner may not be de Niro, but then who is?

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Amos
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 11:52 AM

De Niro, for one.

I defy Shatner; I cast him down and call him out, put him down and throw him up, revile and reject him. I take his name in vain, and call him obtuse, obese, and varicose, vain and inept and unfair to behold, and also yewgly. I throw ashes on his image, and stamp his silly being into the dust. I deny all claims of specialness attributed unto him. His is null, nil, and nihil from alpha to Omega.

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: MMario
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 12:07 PM

the trouble with the idea of Shatner acting the part of Denny Crane is that he doesn't act. He is that pompous, arogant, self-centered and dim-witted.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: GUEST,William Shatner
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 01:23 PM

The true mark of greatness, gentlemen, is that it rises above the sort of petty...and frankly moronic...backbiting that occupies so much of the time of those on this forum who seriously...need to get a life. I won't name any names, but I think the problem is obvious. Just scan some of the above contributions to this thread. Sad. Very sad. And these are people who imagine they are in a position to judge others! My, my. (chuckle) I bet some of them even dress up in medieval clothes on the weekend and go to fantasy festivals where they meet with other geeks of their ilk, if I may use the term. Others probably imagine that their literary ramblings on this same forum are the equal of Whitman or Faulkner. Is it comfortable in those little ivory towers? I wonder...

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: MMario
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 01:28 PM

we at least are identifiable and don't hide behind the persona of a wannabe actor. Besides - if people want to pay me to dress in comfortable clothing and insult them; who am I to argue? and I'm usually too busy making money to meet anyone, geek or else.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: GUEST,William Shatner
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 01:32 PM

I don't pay you to insult me, Mario. (smirk) Bear that in mind.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: MMario
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 01:34 PM

that's okay shatman - you're a freebee

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: robomatic
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 04:26 PM

Courtesy of The Scofflaws

He's got a fine tan shirt with an emblem on the chest.
The interstellar girls all like him the best.
Captain of the crew, and he knows kung fu,
and he did Joan Collins in 1932!
Really just an actor, and a genius to boot,
and he never gets to fire when the enemy shoots.
So he ends each show looking neat and clean
after staring down the mouth of a doomsday machine!
I really like the one where he reads the Constitution
after ending all the fighting in the future revolution:


chorus:
WILLIAM...
SHAT-NER!
WILLIAM...
SHAT-NER!
WILLIAM SHATNER!

voice offstage: "Scotty--we need--more--POWER."


other voice: "I am... KIRON!"


Verse and chorus repeat, then vamp and repeat out.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: GUEST,Nomad
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 04:30 PM

>>I defy Shatner; I cast him down and call him out, put him down and throw him up, revile and reject him. I take his name in vain, and call him obtuse, obese, and varicose, vain and inept and unfair to behold, and also yewgly. I throw ashes on his image, and stamp his silly being into the dust. I deny all claims of specialness attributed unto him. His is null, nil, and nihil from alpha to Omega.<<

You are in error. I will sterilize.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: 282RA
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 04:40 PM

>>De Niro, for one.<<

Obviously, sir, you never saw the episode where the Holy Shatner beat the fucking shit out of Wyatt Earp at the OK Corral. What did your puny De Niro ever do in comparison that could hope to match such glory??

De Niro made a name walking and talking about being Italian while chasing after skirts with black women in them. A throwback to Southern concubinism. Verily I say unto thee, while the savage European tribes were huddling naked and frightened in cold, dark caves, the Holy Shatner already allowed a gay Asian man to steer his ship IN THE ANCIENT SIXTIES!!! HAHA! HOHO!

And all this while your malodorous little fellow of an actor touted American Express and portrayed wacko gun-toting taxi drivers blowing old perverts in whorehouses. In comparison my Lord and Final Hope of Salvation beat the fuckin' shit of a gorn! Yeah, you got that right, read it and weep, buddy! A GORN!!!! We shall not stoop to worshiping an impotent fat old Jake LaMotta for the mere sake of overacting. Not die in the name of overacting when you can have the Holy Shatner—no!!!

We, who have waited patiently and quietly since time immemorial, shall soon realize our day for its light shall dawn upon us as we bask reverently in the glorious red gold rays of a glorious new sun. And the Holy Shatner shall emerge from fiery clouds of power and His Son Nomad shall be at his right hand and in His other hand are the keys to the pit and he unlocked the pit and Nomad zapped De Niro who tumbled headlong into the pit and then the lid was closed and locked for two seasons, a season and a half a season after which there will be reruns.

Remember: There's a little Hooker in all of us. Bless you. Amen.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 04:42 PM

LOL! Well, I guess it's no more progeny for Amos. It's sad, I tell you. Sad. He obsesses over George Bush. He obsesses over William Shatner. I can understand it with Bush, but Shatner? What has William Shatner ever done to Amos?

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 05:13 PM

I forsee an appointment to the Board of Governors at the WSSBA (William Shatner School of BAAAAAD Acting) in your future, 282RA.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 05:48 PM

As an Orthodox Shatnerite I reject this Blasphemy

Shatner is from Montreal.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Amos
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 06:44 PM

What a waste of a perfectly fine birthplace.

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 07:09 PM

LOL Amos!

We all gotta start somewhere!

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: GUEST,William Shatner
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 07:28 PM

Really, Amos? My understanding is that the whole state of California is wasted on you on a daily basis.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: 282RA
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 11:06 PM

>>I forsee an appointment to the Board of Governors at the WSSBA (William Shatner School of BAAAAAD Acting) in your future, 282RA.<<

And I am ready. God willing, I am ready. Hail the Holy Shatner (pbuh)!

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 11:12 PM

Once one embraces the True Faith, all things are possible, brother!

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Amos
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 11:49 PM

Shatner is actually a mediocre agent of the Dark Force; he'd like to be a bad boy, but he don't know how. Wishywashy in all things, he is sort of like a representative of the gray-tone side of the Force.

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 11:55 PM

Amos, you're confusing your cheesy sci fi franchises.

Shatner is just a stooge for the imperial interests of the shadow government that runs the Federation.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 11:58 PM

The really cheesy Sci-Fi actors were found on shows like "Battlestar Galactica" and "Lost In Space". Dreadful stuff. I vote Lorne Greene as the cheesiest actor of all time. I shudder to think that he is Canadian. And then there's Leslie Nielsen, but he doesn't pretend to be anything BUT cheesy.

Alongside those guys, Shatner is a veritable Olivier.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Amos
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 12:01 AM

And alongside Olivier, he is just cheesy.

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 12:31 AM

Leslie Neilson was the first Great Canadian Starship Captain!



check this out!

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 09:56 AM

lotta jealousy on this thread.

I bet you would all have loved to have had a career like Captain Kirk.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Amos
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 10:14 AM

A real starship to command would be a joy indeed.

But that's a different universe.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 12:27 PM

Picard is more to your taste, right, Amos?

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: 282RA
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 04:53 PM

Reasons I worship the Holy Shatner and why you should too:

He can't sing to save his life, in fact, true to form, he oversings.

·His Priceline.com commercials were bewildering in their underlying metaphor.

·Overacting is a true art, not something any ol' Joe can pull off effectively. Underacting (e.g. Chuck Norris) just plain sucks. Overacting requires the true dedication of a venerable master.

·Someone told me He apparently cheated on His college exams. I cheated on His exams too.

·He's really Jewish, ya know.

·His hairpiece looks like a Phil Mickelson divit.

·The other Star Trek cast members don't like him much.

·He probably murdered his wife but was never charged making him smarter or luckier than Robert Blake—possibly both.

·His overacting went perfect with the cheesy plane wing gremlin and the cheap plastic fortune-telling devil in the diner in those old Twilight Zone episodes.

·He once told a group of hopeless adult trekkies to "get a life."

As it turns out, I venerate him for all the same reason Amos doesn't and if that ain't enough to convince you, nothing will.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 08:21 PM

Amos secretely venerates him too, but can't admit it even to himself. That's why he's so rabid on the subject of Shatner.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: 282RA
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 10:31 PM

He's probably part-Klingon, that heretical Shatner-hating infidel sonofabitch. The Federation spits on his ancestors graves.

I hope he sleeps well at night.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: 282RA
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 11:23 PM

>>Shatner is a veritable Olivier. <<

I think you mean Olivier is a veritable Shatner (pbuh).

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 11:25 PM

Good point!

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Amos
Date: 27 Jul 06 - 12:18 AM

Olivier was an actor. Shatner, never.

You have False Idolitis of the most serious kind.


A

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: 282RA
Date: 27 Jul 06 - 01:02 PM

Typical response of the unbeliever.

Next thing you'll be telling me you think James Earl Jones was a better voice for Darth Vader than Shatner (pbuh) would have been.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: MMario
Date: 27 Jul 06 - 01:08 PM

*ANYONE* (and I include Marcel Marceau) would be a better voice for Darth then Shatman.

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: Amos
Date: 27 Jul 06 - 01:12 PM

I would have loved to see Darth being played by Marceau. "You are my sone, Luke...." in mime...hmmmmmmmm.... LOL

As for Shitner, he would have made a corny but great movie merely mediocre and flat by his presence.

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Gospel of Shatner
From: 282RA
Date: 27 Jul 06 - 01:13 PM

O, Great One, I am surrounded by doubters and infidels. Guide me, as Landroo guided his flock, O Holy One!