BS: Short jokes for txting

Subject: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: JulieF
Date: 03 Oct 06 - 09:45 AM

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Hi

I have a friend who is a bit down at the moment and I want to send him the odd joke by txt , just to catch him unawares. Anyone got any good , very short jokes that would be suitable.

The one from this weekend was :-

What do you call an irishman on the ceiling - Sean D'Lear

Short and music related would be even better

Thanks
J

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: GUEST,lox
Date: 03 Oct 06 - 10:21 AM

is that joke meant to demonstrate the standard of joke?

Your poor friend!

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: JulieF
Date: 03 Oct 06 - 10:26 AM

Its hard to be profound in a such a short space and sometimes its just an unexpected txt that makes a difference. My own joke preference is for long rambling tales that take about 20 mins to tell.

Besides why do you think I'm asking for help.

J

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Oct 06 - 11:30 AM

A couple of enterprising bass players, unwilling to sit through a long, bass-less stretch of Beethoven's Ninth, sneaked off stage and into the bar next door. Beer flowed; time passed. "Look at the time! We have to get back!" said one. "Relax," said his partner, "I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It will take him a few minutes to untangle it." They staggered back into the hall and took their places. About this time, a member of the audience noted that the conductor was breaking a sweat. "Of course," replied her companion, "It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score's tied, and the bassists are loaded!"

I guess by now you've all heard about the guy who held 100 banjo players hostage and, unless he was given $10,000,000, threatened to release one an hour.

What is the difference between a soprano and a rotweiller? Jewelry!

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer!

There was a boy in kindergarten who played the viola. One day, he came home and said, "Mommy, today we practiced counting! I got all the way up to 10, but most of the kids messed up around 6 or 7!!!" and his mom said, "Good, that's because you're a violist." The next day he came home and said, "Mommy, today we practiced the alphabet! I got all the way to the end, but most of the kids got messed up around "s" or "t"!" and his mom said, "Good, that's because you're a violist." The next day, he came home and said "Mommy, guess what, they measured us today and I'm the tallest person in the whole class!!! Is that because I'm a violist, too?" and his mom said, "No, dear, that's because you're 25 years old."

A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor asks the violist. "what's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, " I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"

A jazz player dies and goes to heaven... (no that's not the joke)... Once he gets there, St. Peter points to where the heavenly jazz band is forming. The guy goes there and sees all of the greats that ever lived... Charlie Parker, John Coltrane, Miles Davis, everybody! Duke Ellington was conducting the band. "Duke, this is some kind of band! I mean, you've got everybody here! This is great!" "Yeah," Duke replies, "it's okay." The jazz player is shocked. "OK? This is the greatest band ever!" Duke replied, "Yeah, the band's great. But see, God has this girlfriend, and she sings."

GREAT C and W song titles:

"My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart"

"I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better"

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: jonm
Date: 03 Oct 06 - 12:44 PM

The difference between a bull and an orchestra?

With a bull, the horns are in front and the a$$hole is at the back.




A girl went into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so the bartender gave her one.

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Oct 06 - 02:02 PM

In the spirit of the example:
What's Irish and stays out all Winter?



Paddy O' Furniture

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Oct 06 - 02:05 PM

of course, we pedants have this inner need to point out that the example and my addition are riddles, not jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Oct 06 - 03:15 PM

Funny you should say that, Bill.

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: lady penelope
Date: 03 Oct 06 - 04:05 PM

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a wharehouse?

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Oct 06 - 04:16 PM

funny ha,ha? or funny strange?

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 03 Oct 06 - 04:21 PM

Didja hear about the camel who saw the naked lady on the Strip Club sign, and thought it was a chiropodist?

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: Peace
Date: 03 Oct 06 - 04:22 PM

Bill, you will always be a bit of both to me. You are the strangest combination of weird humour and deep thought it has ever been my experience to encounter. Besides that, you are a wonderful human being. I don't say that often enough to the people I think that of. So let me get it said now and that will take care of it for a decade or so.

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Oct 06 - 04:30 PM

~~~~~~~~~~ well *blush*....now I have to live up to that for a decade?

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Oct 06 - 06:00 PM

Knock.
Who's there?
Opportunity.

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: JennyO
Date: 03 Oct 06 - 10:26 PM

A horse went into a bar and the bartender said "Why the long face?"

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: JulieF
Date: 04 Oct 06 - 06:23 AM

Will accept Funny strange , funny ha ha. Sorry about using joke rather than riddle but both most welcome.

Going to work on the bus today - stuck in traffic. I noticed that our local co-op is advertising for a 'chilled supervisor'   must be a very stressful job.

J

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: Bernard
Date: 04 Oct 06 - 07:51 AM

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went into a pub. Landlord said 'Is this some kind of a joke?'

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Oct 06 - 11:37 AM

"Hickory, dickory, dock,
Two mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one-
The other ducked."

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: GUEST,Mr Red
Date: 05 Oct 06 - 11:16 AM

the difference a hurdy gurdy and a buzz saw ............. vibrato

depends on the friend - if there is no agenda hanging on it try referring to it as textual intercourse

start with man walks into a bar and goes ouch (it was an iron bar) - OK no great deal but the next time txt:

this banjo player banged into a bar

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: Moses
Date: 05 Oct 06 - 11:26 AM

What do you get if you cross a table tennis bat with an extremely tall chamber pot?

Ping-pong-piddle-high-po


(This only works if you like The Goons)

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: Moses
Date: 05 Oct 06 - 11:29 AM

Another one from The Two Ronnies

"An item of news:- A man was taken into hospital yesterday after falling into an upholstery machine - he is now said to be completely recovered"

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: jonm
Date: 05 Oct 06 - 12:07 PM

Man steps into a bar...... squelch





It was a Mars bar




Another Ronnies item: "We regret that the butcher sat on the bacon slicer this morning and as a result we have got a little behind with your orders."

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: GUEST, Topsie
Date: 05 Oct 06 - 12:12 PM

The bacon slicer joke is not an original Two Ronnies joke - I heard it as a child some fifty years ago.

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Oct 06 - 12:42 PM

His wife sat there also...disaster.

Firefly was caught in an electric fan. He was de-lighted.

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 05 Oct 06 - 12:49 PM

The bloke who poisoned his wife with a razor blade?

He give her arse a nick!


What have Richard Hammond (UK TV Presenter involved in 300mph Dragster crash) and Sir E-Dlton John got in common?

They've both got skidmarks on their helmets!!

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 06 Oct 06 - 02:10 AM

A midget goes into a bar....

Oh, wait. Maybe you didn't mean THAT kind of short joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: GUEST,Allen in Oz
Date: 06 Oct 06 - 03:11 AM

Have you heard about the insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic who stayed awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

Or the bloke who said " I'm into flagellation, necrophilia and bestiality...but I think I'm flogging a dead horse"

AD1943

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: JulieF
Date: 09 Oct 06 - 11:37 AM

Guest_Mr red

are you asking if I've got a sub txt to what I'm doing   or merely clarifying the con txt.

J

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Oct 06 - 12:53 PM

The two Ronnies did a whole sketch in what could now be text speak - It was how to order food in a Swedish restaurant at the time.

L O

L O

F U N E M?

S, V F M

N F U N X?

S, V F X

M N X

and so on. Could make a game of it:-)

Cheers

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Oct 06 - 01:39 PM

I believe the answer was '9 VFN 10 EX'

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 09 Oct 06 - 02:18 PM

To be asked in an automobile:


What's green and yellow and turns red at the flick of a switch?


Parrot in a liquidizer/blender.




Really just a lead-in to:


What's green and yellow, turns red at the flick of a switch, and whistles?




A parrot pretending it doesn't care.

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: Larkin
Date: 09 Oct 06 - 02:45 PM

One for small Kids

Knock Knock
Who's there
Europe

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: cobra
Date: 09 Oct 06 - 04:36 PM

Man to dyslexic friend - "Can you smell gas?"

Dyslexic to man - "You kidding? I can't even smell my own name".

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: JulieF
Date: 10 Oct 06 - 12:06 PM

Ok elephant jokes


How do you get down from an elephant ?

You don't you get down from a duck

How do you get down from a duck ?

Its easy they are not as tall as elephants.

J

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: Mo the caller
Date: 11 Oct 06 - 06:46 AM

Europe??????

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: GUEST,
Date: 11 Oct 06 - 07:33 AM

Europe who?, Mo.

Presumably the 'small kid' would first persuade a 'friend' to say 'Knock, knock' or the joke would backfire.

Subject: RE: BS: Short jokes for txting
From: GUEST,Tuberculosis
Date: 13 Oct 06 - 01:42 AM

So there are these cannibals eating this clown. one cannibal says to another cannibal, "does this taste funny to you?"