Non-banjo jokes

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 22 Sep 08 - 02:26 AM

' Giving it seven bells ' an English expression meaning doing something, variously :- hard, loud, fast and seriously, or like you really mean it.

eric

Subject: RE: Non-banjo musical jokes
From: Genie
Date: 22 Sep 08 - 02:01 AM

I stopped posting my non-banjo musical jokes in this thread when it was moved down to the BS section -- even though 90% of the jokes here are about musicians or instruments.

I started posting the others in some older music jokes threads, which have been allowed to stay upstairs with the big kids.

Genie

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 22 Sep 08 - 12:02 AM

'giving it seven bells on a mandolin'

comes from a joke above about Heaven. What does it mean?

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 21 Sep 08 - 03:30 PM

I was wondering why this thread got moved down to B.S.

I guess it's because banjo jokes are not B.S.

~ Becky in Tucson

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Genie
Date: 21 Sep 08 - 01:17 AM

LOL, Dick!

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 20 Sep 08 - 06:33 PM

There once was an up-and-coming young band,who had a real problem: the drummer was always a bit behind the beat. Thy pleaded, cjoled,threatened and rehearsed extra hours, but it was to no avail. The drummer kept dragging the beat.

Finally, with great reluctance (for he had been one of the original members of the band), they had to fire him The drummer became more and more despondent, until one dayhe went down to the railroad station. And threw himself behind the train.

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Genie
Date: 20 Sep 08 - 11:43 AM

If a dulcimer player has a few too many before a gig, does that make her a hammered dulcimer player?

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Genie
Date: 20 Sep 08 - 11:37 AM

Q. Why do bagpipe bands travel so much?

A. Keeps assassins guessing.

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Genie
Date: 20 Sep 08 - 11:34 AM

A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with the Duke, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing."

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: julian morbihan
Date: 20 Sep 08 - 07:14 AM

What's the difference between a musician and an endowment policy?

Eventually one of them matures and makes some money.

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Genie
Date: 20 Sep 08 - 01:58 AM

Suffet, being an old Balkan folk dancer, this one you posted is my favorite one so far:

"Said the musician at the folk festival: "My next piece it a traditional Macedonian tune. It was written in 1816, but I'm going to play it in waltz time." ROFL

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Genie
Date: 20 Sep 08 - 01:47 AM

Herbie was a very cool and talented sax player but had a well-deserved reputation for having trouble really committing to the bands he'd been in.
He begged his buds, a keyboardist, a jazz guitarist, and a bass player, to let him join their new combo.   Finally they agreed to give him another chance, if he'd be sure to be at every rehearsal and on time for the two months before their first paid performance.
For the next 7 weeks Herbie was the first to arrive at the studio to rehearse, and he blew everyone away with how well he knew his parts, how well he improvised, and how cool his licks were. At the 8th week rehearsal, when Herbie once again arrived promptly and performed his parts to perfection, his bandmates were effusive with praise.

"Herbie, my man, you've really come around! Sorry we ever doubted you. You're a permanent part of the band now -- I'd say even the star!"
"Yeah, man, great to have you on board. You're awesome! And it's so cool that you haven't missed a single rehearsal yet. "

To which Herbie grinned and blushed a bit, hearing all this new adulation, and said,
"Aw, thanks, guys. But I figured it was the least I could do, since I can't make the gig."

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Genie
Date: 20 Sep 08 - 01:26 AM

Q. How many non-banjo-players does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Only one, of course.

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Suffet
Date: 19 Sep 08 - 11:25 PM

Two musicians walk into a black hole and...

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Mark H.
Date: 28 Apr 07 - 03:57 AM

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Steve Reich."

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: rabbitlegs
Date: 27 Apr 07 - 04:33 PM

How many folk singers to change a light bulb?

4 - 1 to change it - 3 to sing about how much they'll miss the old one.

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Suffet
Date: 27 Apr 07 - 03:31 PM

One more, and still no banjo!

Q: How did they invent Balkan harmony?

A: By asking a drunken Macedonian football team to sing in unison.




Next.

--- Steve

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Suffet
Date: 05 Apr 07 - 11:22 PM

Three more musical jokes, and still not a banjo among them!



Q: How do you get a jazz musician away from your front door?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

----

Q: What's the difference between a jazz musician and a large pizza?

A: A large pizza can actually feed a family.

----

Q: What do you call a jazz musician whose girlfriend dumped him?

A: Homeless.



Keep going!

--- Steve

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: terrier
Date: 01 Apr 07 - 05:25 PM

A man walks into a pub(bar)with his dog.

Customer..."strange dog you got there"
Man..."I like him"
Customer..."Long tail"
Man..."Undocked"
Customer..."Very long snout"
Man..."Good worker"
Customer..."His coat almost looks scaly"
Man..."Goes to ground, good protection"
customer..."what breed is he?"
Man..."Long tailed snipe nose scaly back terrier.... some people call'em aligators...but thats no name for a Terrier."

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: terrier
Date: 01 Apr 07 - 05:17 PM

I've only just figured out what bass violins are! It's something to do with keeping the players happy on the field during those long booorrring games of American rounders...Right???   ;)

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 01 Apr 07 - 04:59 PM

Fortunately us Aussies have learned to be multi-cultural through TV watching - both British and Yank...

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Snuffy
Date: 01 Apr 07 - 07:52 AM

I think it's a joke about a game of rounders, eric.

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 01 Apr 07 - 06:51 AM

Is that supposed to be a joke ?

eric

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: smileyman
Date: 01 Apr 07 - 05:06 AM

Heard at my future wife's college graduation (just before a marvelous performance of the same symphony).

A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims...

At this point, you must understand two things:

(1) There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

(2) There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.

It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.

Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."

Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble.

Katims was furious! And why not? After all...

It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: guitar
Date: 01 Apr 07 - 04:48 AM

what is wrong with us Bodrhan and drummers.

I play Bordrhan, Accordian and I'm looking out for a Banjo.

this is a true story.

when the Musicians union over here in Britian started up, they said that they would look after any musician and drummers

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 31 Mar 07 - 06:17 AM

I see in today's paper, comedian Graeme Garden's "guilty secret" is ...playing the banjo!

RtS

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Jim Krause
Date: 31 Mar 07 - 01:05 AM

Back home in Two Foot Falls, KS ol' farmer Al Falfa's dog Rex took sick. And naturally, being quite fond of the dog, Al took him to the veterinarian's office for a diagnosis. At last he arrived, and was shown into the examining room, whereupon the Dr. pronounced Rex dead on arrival.

"Oh no, that can't be!" exclaimed Al Falfa.
"Well, it certainly is," replied the Dr. "I'm very, very sorry."
"Isn't there anything you can do, some tests, something, anything?"
"Well, we can try," said the Dr. trying to reassure the distraught farmer.

The veterinarian motioned to his assistant, who left the room and promptly came back with a Labrador retriever on a leash. The dog sniffed at Rex's prostrate corpse, looked up at farmer Al Falfa, and then looked over at the Dr., and walked out of the room.

"Yup," said the Dr. "Rex is dead. I'm sorry."
"Well, just try once more, try something, anything. I just can't bear the thought of ol' Rex dying."

So, once more the Dr. motions to his assistant, and she comes back with a Siamese cat in her arms. She passes the cat to the left, and then to the right over Rex's body. The cat looked up at her, then over at the Dr., and finally looked at the farmer, jumped from the arms of the assistant, and walked out of the examining room.

"Well, that's all we can do," said the Dr. "Rex is dead. That'll be $350.00."
"Three hundred and fifty dollars!" hollered the farmer. "What do you think, money grows on trees?"
"Tests are expensive, Al" said the Dr. "It's $100.00 for the Lab test, and $250.00 for the cat scan."

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 30 Mar 07 - 08:00 PM

"get a 12-string guitar in tune?"

In tune with what?

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: GUEST,Señor Citizen
Date: 30 Mar 07 - 04:56 PM

Q) How long does it take to get a 12-string guitar in tune?
A) No one knows...

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Suffet
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 06:01 PM

It's opening night at the Beacon Theater on Broadway in New York City. The house is packed, the warm-up act has just finished, and the featured band is about to go on. Just then, the band leader notices that his newly hired lead singer, a lovely 20-something lass with a sweet but powerful voice, is visibly sweating, shaking, and even sobbing. Her last gig before she joined the band was in a church coffee house in Iowa City, and now here she is about to make her Big Apple debut. With less than a minute to go, and wanting to reassure her, the band leader puts an arm around the young woman and says, "Don't worry, honey. Just be yourself and they'll love you. Remember you have enormous talent. And anyway it's natural to be a little nervous right before a show. We all get that way. In fact, I challenge you to name one person who ever appeared before a crowd without having cold feet."

Just then the drummer shouts out, "Joan of Arc!"




Next...

--- Steve

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Mick Tems
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 12:56 PM

A man walks into Crane's of Cardiff, where they are having the second day of an instrument sale.

"I'll have the shiny red trumpet and the black accordion," he tells the salesman.

The salesman asks: "Are you a drummer?"

Well, yes - but why?"

"Because the shiny red trumpet just happens to be the fire extinguisher and the black accordion is the radiator."

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Mick Tems
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 12:40 PM

This horn player is wandering around backstage when he sees the bass guitarist punching hell out of a little boy.

"What happened?" he asks the bass player.

"I caught him detuning one of my strings."

Now, now - surely there's no need to beat him."

Oh yeah - and the little bastard won't tell me which one it was!"

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Mick Tems
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 12:23 PM

What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?

With a drum machine, you only have to punch in the instructions ONCE.

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: GUEST,pitheris
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 12:14 PM

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later, the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: GUEST,banjoman
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 07:07 AM

Lat night our band played Beethoven - Beethoven lost

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Suffet
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 11:32 PM

Some more...


Q: Who was Britain's most successful entertainer?

A: Christine Keeler. Everyone bought her London derriere.

-----

A man with an alligator walks into a pub in Scotland and asks the bartender, "Do you serve bagpipers here?" The bartender answers, "Of course we do." So the man then says, "In that case I'll have Chivas straight up and my friend will have a bagpiper."

----

Q: How did the drummer get his girlfriend to screw all the other guys in the band?

A: He married her.

-----

Q: What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of bagpipes?

A: You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.

-----

Keep going!

--- Steve

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Joe_F
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 08:21 PM

A doctor, a lawyer, and a physicist are having a drink, and the topic of conversation is: Is it better to have a wife, or a mistress? A wife, says the doctor: There are various diseases you are less likely to get. A mistress, says the lawyer: Then, if it doesn't work out, at least you're spared the agony of a divorce. A wife *and* a mistress, says the physicist: Then, when your wife thinks you're with your mistress, and your mistress thinks you're with your wife, you can do *physics*.

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 03:06 PM

A non walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "What would you like?"
She answers, "Make me a malted!" He says, "ZAP, you're a malted!"
And she melts.

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: MudGuard
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 03:05 PM

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician all get locked each into his own cell with no furniture and no nothing in it except a bucket of water, one can of food and a pencil.
The guardians leave the prisoners alone in their cells for three weeks. Then they open the cells.

First the physicist's cell. He is alive, the can is very much deformed, but empty.
The guardians asked the physicists how he opened the can to which he answered that he threw it again and again against the walls till it burst.

Next the engineer's cell. He is also alive. The can is empty, has lost its lid but is otherwise almost not deformed, and there are some formulas written on the wall.
The guardians asked the engineer how he opened the can. The engineer points to the formulas and explains that he calculated the optimal angle and force for a throw against the wall, and using this angle and force he opened the can at his first attempt.

Now it was time to open the mathematician's cell. They found the mathematician starved, the can untouched on the floor in the middle of the floor, but on all the walls were scribbled the words:




.


.


.



.




.




Let's assume the can is open ...

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Scoville
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 02:53 PM

Bluegrass humor bumper sticker.

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 10:52 AM

Bluegrass player dies and goes to heaven, St. Peter is showing him round all the various sessions etc, loads of great banjo players, fiddlers and guitarists, all joining in except for one old man dressed in white, with long white hair and long white beard sat on his own giving it seven bells on a mandolin, who's that then he asks St Peter, just ignore him says St Pete, it's God, he thinks he's Bill Monroe.

eric

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: GUEST,ib48
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 07:11 AM

two banjos walk into a bar      sorry i misread the question

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: The Vulgar Boatman
Date: 27 Mar 07 - 04:26 PM

Muso walks into The Man of Kent in Rochester and sez to the barman,"I just heard this really great joke about a drummer"

Landlord shrugs and says, Now before you tell that joke, you see that guy over by the fire - the one who's 6 feet 47 inches tall, coered in tatoos with the machete hanging off his belt - he's a drummer..." Then he points over to the corner. "See that little bald guy over there covered in scars and currently eating his glass before ordering another quadruple rum - he's a drummer too. Now...do you really want to tell that joke?"

Muso: "Well, not if I've got to explain it twice."

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Mick Tems
Date: 27 Mar 07 - 10:36 AM

Here's a very old musicians' joke (Events at Stormont have outdated this:)

Maggie Thatcher, Ian Paisley and Daniel O'Donnell were riding in a train through Ulster. Suddenly, the IRA raids the train.

The second-in-command asks: "Sir, we have captured Thatcher, Paisley and O'Donnell - but we only have two bullets. What shall we do?"

"OK," says the commander. "Leave it to me."

So they shot Daniel O'Donnell twice - just to make sure...

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Scoville
Date: 27 Mar 07 - 10:00 AM

Q) Why do bagpipers march as they play?
A) To get away from the noise.

Or you can just trade "banjo" for "hammered dulcimer" or whatever other instrument you wish to pick on that day.

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: daicro
Date: 27 Mar 07 - 08:40 AM

How can you tell the difference between a road-kill badger and a road-kill bodhran player?

Skid marks in front of the badger

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Bernard
Date: 27 Mar 07 - 08:03 AM

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat miner...


How does a Prima Donna change a lightbulb?

She holds on and waits for the world to revolve around her!

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Trevor
Date: 27 Mar 07 - 08:03 AM

An architect, a mathematician and a musician are in the pub with their dogs, arguing which is the most intelligent.

The architect takes a handful of dog biscuits, throws them on to the floor and points to them. His dog runs over to them, pushes them around with his nose and as he returns to his owner everyone can see that he's left them in the shape of St Paul's Cathedral.

The mathematician gives his dog an order, he runs over to the biscuits and rearranges them so that they form the symbols e=mc².

The musician pokes his dog with his foot. The dog wakes up, looks around, stretches, scratches himself and farts, shags the other two dogs, eats the biscuits and then says 'OK, where's my cheque'.

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Suffet
Date: 27 Mar 07 - 12:54 AM

Some more...

Q: How can you tell one Irish tune from another?

A: By the name.

-----

Said the musician at the folk festival: "My next piece it a traditional Macedonian tune. It was written in 1816, but I'm going to play it in waltz time."

-----

Did you hear about the bodhran player who joined the IRA? They gave him orders to blow up a British army lorry, but he burned his lips on the tailpipe.

-----

Q: How can you tell one rap song from another?

A: By the name.

-----

Q: Do you know how the dulcimer got it's name?

A: Someone heard somebody playing one and said, "Go ahead and play dull some more."

-----

There's going to be an all dulcimer festival this summer. It's sponsored by No Doz.

-----

Q: Do you know the name of the one goyishe* group at the Jewish music festival this year?

A: The Dixie Shiksas.**

* goyishe = Gentile, not Jewish
** shiksa = Gentile woman

-----

Q: What happens if C isn't careful?

A: He's going to fall down a step and B flat!



Any more?

--- Steve

Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes
From: Leadfingers
Date: 17 Mar 07 - 08:55 AM

Terry Pratchett is resposible for Veni Vermini Vomiti - I came , I got Rat Arsed , I threw up !   

Disc World ! The True Path !!