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Non-banjo jokes |
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Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: bill\sables Date: 17 Mar 07 - 08:44 AM Two flutes are walking down the street when one say's to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night" The other one answered,"That was no piccolo, that was my fife" |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: gnu Date: 17 Mar 07 - 08:28 AM Hehehehe.... great jokes! Veni Vidi Vaccum I came I saw I cleaned They kinda lose their charm after a couple, don't they? |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: Mr Red Date: 17 Mar 07 - 05:34 AM difference between a Hurdy Gurdy and a Buzz Saw? Vibrato. (Phil Beer - Show of Hands) And the difference between Show of Hands and a Barman one's Phil Beer and the other will eventually (after he has served the regulars and taken a coffe break and "my goodness CLOSING TIME") |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: Peace Date: 16 Mar 07 - 11:23 PM DANG. Sorry. This is a non-banjo joke thread. Heck, it was originally about electric guitar players. |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: Peace Date: 16 Mar 07 - 11:20 PM A visiting music lover wanders into a back alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," Says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," He replies, "But I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," Says the owner. "No," says the music lover, "I was wondering if you have a bronze banjo player." |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: Peace Date: 16 Mar 07 - 11:17 PM How many bluegrass players does it take to change a light bulb? None. They won't touch anything electric. |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: Leadfingers Date: 16 Mar 07 - 09:25 PM Difference betwen a Seamstressand a Soprano ? The seamstress tucks up the frills ! |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: Bert Date: 16 Mar 07 - 09:11 PM A cowboy and an indian were watching smoke singnal from a far away hill. The indian was translating. "SEND - ME - ANOTHER - BLANKET" |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: Bert Date: 16 Mar 07 - 09:10 PM And as Jack Fallon once said "Give me a key and I'll play in any flat" |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: Bernard Date: 16 Mar 07 - 08:46 PM Difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist? Difference between a bodhran player and an onion? |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: Peace Date: 16 Mar 07 - 08:35 PM Two cowboys were waiting in their fort for the Indians to attack. They listened to the distant pounding war drums. One cowboy muttered to the other, "I don't like the sound of them drums." Just then, a distant voice came over the hill, "It's not our usual drummer!" ######################################################## What's the difference between a drummer and Dr. Scholl's foot pads? Dr. Scholl's foot pads buck up the feet. (from the www) |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: Old Grizzly Date: 16 Mar 07 - 06:58 PM My favourite, How do you put a sparkle in a drummer's eye ? Shine a torch in his ear... .....running for cover Dave |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: Suffet Date: 16 Mar 07 - 03:24 PM Here's a story with ten punchlines, and still no banjo! Three notes, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. And the bartender says... Punchline #1: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, which means... Punchline #2: The C and the G have an open fifth between them. But do you know what happened after they diminished that fifth? No, what? Punchline #3: The G was flat. Just then an F comes into the bar and tries to augment this joke, but he can't. Why not? Punchline #4: Because he isn't sharp enough. This is getting tiring. Well, the bartender thought so too, because... Punchline #5: He needed a rest before closing out the bar. Is that all? No, there's more. Just then a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom. And do you know what he says? No. What does he say? Punchline #6: "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then a loud foul-mouthed D-flat comes into the bar and also heads straight for the bathroom. Can you guess what he snarls? No, what? Punchline #7: "I'll just be a Phrygian second!" That has to be the end of the joke. Right? Wrong! Because just then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar. And do you know what he tells him? No. Punchline #8: "Get out right now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." Is that all? No. Why not? Because that E-flat was a pretty clever note. He goes and gets his hair neatly trimmed and he returns to the bar in a spiffy three piece suit with nicely shined shoes. And the bartender says to him... Punchline #9: "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in!" OK, I'm hooked. You can go ahead and tell me more. Sorry, but I can't. Why not? Punchline #10: Because thinking up more punchlines is getting to be too much treble. |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: Spot Date: 16 Mar 07 - 12:04 PM Nice one!! Simple ones always make me laugh!! Spot |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: gnomad Date: 16 Mar 07 - 11:47 AM Veni, vidi, velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck. |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: fretless Date: 16 Mar 07 - 11:46 AM So the volist comes home and sees fire engines and police cars parked outside his house. A police captain approaches and says "I have terrible news. The orchestra conductor came to your house, killed your entire family, and then set fire to the house." The violist is in shock. "What? The conductor came to MY house!" |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: Spot Date: 16 Mar 07 - 10:52 AM Not even musical Veni Vidi Vici Visa I came I saw I conquered I did a bit of shopping... (ok - gettin me jacket!!) Regards.....Spot |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: autolycus Date: 16 Mar 07 - 10:45 AM The orchestra was playing a Beethoven symphony and reached one of the maestro's sudden pauses. A voice floated into the gap from someone in the audience, "Oh,I fry it in lard." ivor |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: dick greenhaus Date: 16 Mar 07 - 10:30 AM And then there was the conductor's remarks to the lady playing cello: "You have between your legs something capable of giving a great deal of pleasure. And all you do with it is scratch it." The difference between a moose and a symphony orchestra? With the moose, the horns are in front and the asshole is at the rear. |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: Peace Date: 16 Mar 07 - 03:02 AM LOLOL |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: aussiebloke Date: 16 Mar 07 - 02:54 AM A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there and found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. On the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop". Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide: "The drums have stopped, what happens now?" The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "guitar solo." |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: aussiebloke Date: 16 Mar 07 - 02:50 AM A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't andle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor." |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: Peace Date: 16 Mar 07 - 01:56 AM How do you know the stage is level? The drummer drools out both sides of his mouth. |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: GUEST,Ann Don Date: 16 Mar 07 - 12:56 AM Attention Mesdames et Messieurs..C'et ne pas une Bango mais une cattaaaaahchooo. Je joue au BANGO..one string, three string and five string fretless. Try tuning a hammered dulcimer violin range with three strings per note..It's not impossible just a lot longer than an auto harp..it's the overtones and note spread that gets you, depending in what tradition you are tuning to play in. By the way a good drummer can get 21 different notes out of a skin head, on a drum of course. |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: leeneia Date: 16 Mar 07 - 12:19 AM I can't think of any new ones, but thanks for posting, Suffet. My favorite was Q: What do you get when you play New Age music backwards? A: New Age music. |
Subject: RE: Non-banjo jokes From: Effsee Date: 15 Mar 07 - 09:28 PM Definition of "A Drummer" - A guy who hangs out with musicians. |
Subject: Non-banjo jokes From: Suffet Date: 15 Mar 07 - 06:26 PM Greetings: Here are some musical jokes without a single banjo among them! ---- Q: What do you get when you play New Age music backwards? A: New Age music. --- Q: What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter? A: Eventually the puppy stops whining. --- Q: What do you call two folk singers trying to sing in unison? A: Counterpoint. ----------- Q: What's an accordion good for? A: Learning how to fold a road map. --- Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an All-Pro NFL offensive lineman? A: The stage makeup. --- Q: Why did the unaccompanied traditional ballad singer spend eight hours standing outside the door? A: He couldn't find the right key. --- Q: Why did the pop vocalist spend eight hours standing outside the door? A: She couldn't figure out when to come in. --- Q: The festival director and the bag piper are both still alive and you only have one bullet left in you gun. Which one do you shoot and why? A: The festival director. Business before pleasure. --- Q: What is the difference between an autoharp and a '57 Chevy? A: It takes less time to tune the '57 Chevy. --- Q: How can you tell which kid on a playground is going to grow up to be a trombonist? A: He's the one who can't figure out how to use the slide. --- Q: How can you tell which kid on a playground is going to grow up to be a Nashville studio musician? A: He's the one who can't swing. --- Three men die and ascend to Heaven. As they approach the front entrance, Saint Peter is there to greet them. To their surprise he asks only one question, "What was your occupation on Earth?" "I was a doctor," the first man answers. "OK, " says Saint Peter. "Go right through those Pearly Gates straight ahead. Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher," the second man says. "OK, go right through those Pearly Gates straight ahead. Next! And what did you do?" "I was a musician." "OK, go around the side, up the freight elevator, and through the kitchen." --- A man wearing a ski mask bursts into a pub in Belfast carrying a large black plastic bag. Trembling in fear and turning as white as a ghost, the bartender asks, "What's that you have there?" "Six kilos of high explosives and a detonator," the masked man answers. "Thanks be to Jesus," the bartender says. "For a moment I thought it was a bodhran!" --- Q: What's the difference between the drummer's wife and a Porsche? A: Most of the guys in the band have never been inside a Porsche. --- Would anyone like to continue? --- Steve |
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