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BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 12 Mar 08 - 06:31 AM Its Time! Continued at 3rd Joke thread of 2008! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Amos Date: 11 Mar 08 - 05:40 PM FROM THE MOUTH OF A JEWISH BUDDHIST If there is no self, whose arthritis is this? Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated? Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish. Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage... that's another story. Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about? The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that? Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist. Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness. The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, There is no self. So, maybe we're off the hook. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 11 Mar 08 - 07:01 AM PUPPIES FOR SALE A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the pups and set about Nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he Felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the Eyes of a little boy. Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies." "Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "these puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money." The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?" "Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle,"Here,Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared; this One noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up.... "I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would." With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself To a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need Someone who understands." The world is full of people who need someone who understands. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Roger the Skiffler Date: 11 Mar 08 - 05:18 AM One from a happy retiree: CDC Alert The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally,by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both fo the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (Beer). Take the antidote repeatedly until Work has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected...And WORK is controlling your life. RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Newport Boy Date: 10 Mar 08 - 11:20 AM It's early evening and a man walks into a bar. Apart from the barman, there's only one other guy there, sitting on a barstool sipping his drink. The barman says "Good evening, sir. What will you have?" "Thank you, I'll have a whisky, please." The man takes another barstool, and the barman hands him a whisky. "That'll be £1.50, sir". (This was a long time ago) "Oh, I didn't expect to pay for this - you offered it freely". The barman looks startled, and says "How do you think we make any money here? We don't give free drinks. Now pay up before I get mad". At this, the quiet guy on the other barstool says to the barman "Excuse me, I don't want to interfere, but I think the customer has a point. I'm a lawyer. I heard you offer him a drink when he came in, and he accepted it. This created a contract between you, and there was no mention of money. In my opinion, he is entitled to the whisky, free of charge". The barman looked startled, then turned to the man and said "All right, the brief here says you're entitled to your drink, so drink it up. And then go! And I never want to see you in this bar again". The man finishes his whiskey, bids good evening to the barman and the lawyer, and leaves. A few weeks later, the same man walks into the same bar, where the same barman is behind the bar. "Hey, you! Get out of this bar. I said I never wanted to see you in here again. Now leave!" The man looks startled. "I'm sorry" he says. "I don't know what you're talking about. I've not met you before and I've never been near this bar in my life". The barman is taken aback. "Oh, excuse me sir. I thought I recognised you. You must have a double." "Make it a whisky, please!" Phil |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 10 Mar 08 - 09:21 AM "Drinking With the Bartender" A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill." In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 08 Mar 08 - 10:06 AM "Building a Car" Two guys sit down for lunch in the General Motors office cafeteria. The conversation goes like this... "Hey, whatever happened to Bill in Engineering?" one asks. "I haven't seen him around for awhile." "Oh, he got this hare-brained notion he was going to build this new kind of car," his co-worker replies. "Geez, how did he go about doing that?" "Well, first he took a engine from a Firehawk, next a 6 sp. transmission from a Corvette, a Camaro body, seats from a Blazer, wheels and tires from a Caddy, and, well...... you get the idea." "So.... what did he end up with?" "Ten to fifteen years!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: autolycus Date: 08 Mar 08 - 09:18 AM Rabinowich applies to join the communist party, and is required to answer a few questions. Who was Karl Marx? I don't know. Lenin? Never heard of him. Friedrich Engels? Nor him. Are you playing games with me? asks the official. Not at all, says Rabinowich. Do you know hershel Solzberg? No, says the official. How about Yankel Horiwitz? Nor him. Well, says Rabinowich, that's the way it goes, doesn't it. You've got your friends and I've got mine. Ivor |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Newport Boy Date: 06 Mar 08 - 05:37 PM First, an explanatory note: The BMW referred to is a two-wheeler, not a tin box (US readers - think Harley, but European and more sophisticated). On a farm, the horse and the chicken were close friends, and often played together. One day the horse fell into the manure pit and called to his friend the chicken to help him. The chicken assessed the problem, ran to the farm and came back with the farmer's BMW, picked up a rope and threw one end to the horse. He tied the other end to the BMW and pulled the horse out of the manure pit. The horse was very grateful. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into the same manure pit. "Quick," he called to the horse "get the BMW and pull me out." The horse thought a moment, and said "I think there's another way." He straddled the pit and dangled his equipment above the chicken. "Catch hold of that" he said. The chicken did as he was told, and the horse did a quick dressage sidestep, and the chicken was safe. And they both lived happily ever after. Oh yes, and the moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pull the chicks! Phil |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 06 Mar 08 - 05:26 PM A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk A carton of eggs A quart of orange juice A head of lettuce A 2 lb. can of coffee A 1 lb. package of bacon As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: autolycus Date: 06 Mar 08 - 05:11 PM Two mice were in the projection room of the cinema at night, chewing on the film. one says, Well, what do you think? the other says, I preferred the book. Ivor |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Newport Boy Date: 06 Mar 08 - 11:57 AM An old man was bragging to his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me two thousand pounds, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbour "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty." ============================================================= An architect, a surgeon, and a politician were discussing their place in the universe. The surgeon said, 'Look, we're the most important. God's a surgeon because the very first thing God did was to extract Eve from Adam's rib.' The architect said, 'No, wait a minute, God is an architect. Before the rib extraction, God made the world in six days out of chaos.' The politician smiled, 'And who made the chaos?' Phil |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 06 Mar 08 - 09:15 AM "Petishun" We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side. We have also talked to the govner to make a new lo to stop this pursicushun. We want a lo that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff. Sined by the blonds at the ofise ________________________________________ ________________________________________ ________________________________________ ________________________________________ ________________________________________ ________________________________________ (sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake) |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 03 Mar 08 - 06:02 PM Strange, Mudguard! I used the Mudcat search function for the forum, and found only two "tired dog" entries, neither one of them this joke. That doesn't excuse my aging memory, of course, but I'll say that a good joke can stand being told again. And again. And . . . Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: MudGuard Date: 03 Mar 08 - 05:07 PM What have these three date/time combinations in common: 08 Jan 08 - 12:14 PM 20 Feb 08 - 09:20 AM 03 Mar 08 - 04:29 PM At each of these there was a tired dog ;-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 03 Mar 08 - 04:29 PM "Tired Dog" An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 03 Mar 08 - 04:25 PM "A Frickin' Elephant" Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!" Deep breath ... "What did you call it?" "It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!" and so it does. 'A f r i c a n Elephant ' Hooked on phonics! Isn't it wonderful? |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 01 Mar 08 - 03:59 PM A SPECIAL POEM A row of bottles on my shelf Caused me to analyze myself. One yellow pill I have to pop Goes to my heart so it won't stop. A little white one that I take Goes to my hands so they won't shake. The blue ones that I use a lot Tell me I'm happy when I'm not. The purple pill goes to my brain And tells me that I have no pain. The capsules tell me not to wheeze Or cough or choke or even sneeze. The red ones, smallest of them all Go to my blood so I won't fall. The orange ones, very big and bright Prevent my leg cramps in the night. Such an array of brilliant pills Helping to cure all kinds of ills. But what I'd really like to know Is what tells each one where to go! There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 01 Mar 08 - 08:34 AM "Golf Clubs" Two women were talking the other day over tea. "Did I tell you that my husband has taken up golf?" the first lady asked her friend. "No, as a matter of fact, you didn't," her friend replied, "How's he doing?" "Evidently, very well," said the first lady. "He's only played three times, but his friends tell me that he's already throwing his clubs as far as men who've been playing the game for years!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: GUEST,strad Date: 29 Feb 08 - 05:16 PM How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but I don't know how they got in there. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Geordie-Peorgie Date: 29 Feb 08 - 04:49 PM Hey! How come Pakistan hasn't organised an earth-quake appeal for England??? Just wait till they have their next one!! They'll get nowt from me! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Roger the Skiffler Date: 29 Feb 08 - 09:31 AM Received these froma Scottish friend ( the birdwoman of Kalymnos): A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: > 'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken' > 'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from? > 'Fae my knickers tae ma feet. ' > > A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. 'Comfy?'asks the dentist. > 'Govan,' she replies. > > What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography ..? > Oor Wullie. > > A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?' > 'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter' > 'That's affa dear,' says the guy. Roger > 'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke > > Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo. > > After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. > 'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate. > 'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,' > > Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? > Coo eight. > > Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. > Which one's a Musketeer? > The dark tan yin. > > A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning > his sister from a telephone box. So he > calls the operator who asks in a plummy > voice: > 'Is there money in the box? > 'Naw, it's just me,' he replies. > > While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: > 'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?' > And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.' > > What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy? > Hawkeye The Noo. > > What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu. > > How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan. > > A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is > a > lace missing. > 'No,' argues the assistant, > 'look at the label - it says Taiwan . > > 'What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep > farmer? > The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.' > And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe. > > 'What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? > A wee fly b*****d. > > Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for > the toilets at Waverley Station? > It's called The Aw' Needin' Line. > > What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? > The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik. > > Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad? > Because the chef was Lou Ping. > > While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: 'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies. > > Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make > a > negative - 'Aye right.' > > A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when > he > spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car! > 'What's up Jimmy?' he asks. > 'Piston broke,' he replies. > 'Aye, same as masel... RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: autolycus Date: 26 Feb 08 - 03:41 PM Moses descends from his meeting on high, and he tells the Children of Israel, "I've got good news and bad news. "The good news is that I've got it down to 10. "The bad news is that adultery is still in." Ivor |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: autolycus Date: 26 Feb 08 - 12:00 PM A rabbi, a priest and an imam were on a train,playingpoker. And that despite the fact that the train company regulations farbade gambling. They hear the ticket inspector approaching and hurriedly put the cards away just as the inspector opens the door. He;s suspicious, and askes the Imam if he has just been gambling. The Imam does what Imam's do and says he wasn't. The inspector turns to the priest with the same question. The latter looks up, prays and says he hasn't been gambling either. The inspector asks the rabbi if he was. The rabbi replies,"Who with?" Ivor |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: MudGuard Date: 25 Feb 08 - 03:07 PM 5 engineers and 5 mathematicians need to travel to a distant town. They all meet up at the train station. They go to the ticket office. The mathematicians buy 5 tickets. And then watch in astonishment as the engineers buy just one tickets. The mathematicians ask the engineers how this could work out. The engineers reply: "wait and see!". They all get on the train. After some time one of the engineers spots the conductor approaching, so he informs the other engineers. They all head for the toilet and get in. The conductor checks the mathematicians' tickets, then proceeds, stopping at the toilet noticing the "occupied" sign. So he knocks on the door, calls "Ticket please"! One of the engineers pushes the ticket outside at the bottom of the door. The conductor checks it, pushes the ticket back inside with a "Thank you!". The mathematicians are very impressed by the engineers' cleverness. So a few days later, they all gather again at the train station for going back home. The mathematicians remember what the engineers did for tickets a few days ago and now buy just one ticket, and are very surprised as the engineers do not buy a ticket at all! The mathematicians ask the engineers how this could work out. The engineers reply: "wait and see!". Again they are in the train, and one of the mathematicians spots the approaching conductor. So the engineers vanish in one toilet, the mathematicians in the other. Just after the last mathematicians disappeared, one of the engineers comes back out of the engineers' toilet, goes to the mathematicians toilets, knocks and says "Ticket please!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 25 Feb 08 - 08:46 AM "Business 101" We turned this team around 360 degrees. We specialize in accurate interpretation of your pathetically unclear and dismally vague description of what you think you want. If we learn from our mistakes, I'm getting a fantastic education. His ignorance was encyclopedic. Don't hesitate to give out advice; it passes time, and nobody will notice it anyhow. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. There is nothing as permanent as a temporary worker. Chaos, panic, & disorder; my work here is done. (Consultant's creed) No one is funnier than people who take themselves too seriously. Love your enemies in case your business acquaintances turn out to be a bunch of bastards I've made so many lateral moves in my company, I'm beside myself. There are moments when everything goes well; don't be frightened, it won't last. They always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, 'Just wait.' My cup's been run over. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: severed-head Date: 25 Feb 08 - 06:48 AM How is a woman like a condom? Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry It! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Splott Man Date: 25 Feb 08 - 05:39 AM An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a train ticket and took a trip to Plymouth, thinking that he would start by working his way across England from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'. The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The Englishman thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Worcester. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Plymouth and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God. 'O.K., thank you,' said the Englishman. He then travelled to Salisbury, Leeds, Carlisle and Newcastle. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.The Englishman, upon leaving Newcastle decided to travel to Wales to see if the Welsh had the same telephone. He arrived in Cardiff and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this ime the sign under it read '40p per call.' The Englishman was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in England the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?' The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Wales now, son - it's a local call'! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: severed-head Date: 25 Feb 08 - 03:53 AM While acquainting himself with a new elderly patient, a doctor asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive." xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!" Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: 'English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots. One week later, 'The Kerrymen,' a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Driscoll, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless.' |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Geordie-Peorgie Date: 24 Feb 08 - 05:35 PM Bloke says to his wife. "D'ye fancy tryin' the missionary position tonight?" She says, "Aye! What de we do?" He says, Well aah just lie here and you p*ss off to Africa!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 24 Feb 08 - 10:04 AM "Running a Business" There was this man who, many years ago, worked for a large business. That was his lifetime employment, but he wasn't happy there. He wanted to go in business for himself. He saved his money and finally had enough that he could quit and start his own business. About two years later, I was on vacation and was going through the town where his business was located. I stopped by for a visit. "Hey John, I heard that the first year is the hardest for a new business." "Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we are doing pretty good now. In fact, I'm getting to where I only have to work half a day." "Wow, that's pretty nice. Maybe I should think about going into business for myself." "Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn't matter which twelve hours you work." Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 24 Feb 08 - 07:40 AM Value for money the Aussie way A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon. Bloody good value that! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: frogprince Date: 23 Feb 08 - 10:02 PM Uncle Dave, an old family friend, a pastor's wife, was entertaining a group of ladies at her home, and they were too involved in something to reflect on the fact that a toddler was bringing them all drinks of water. Same story; all dipped out of the john. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 23 Feb 08 - 06:22 PM One day, my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother, who is four years older than me. I was maybe one and a half-years-old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken, among other injuries. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups of tea and a lot of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited and sure enough, there I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up. She then said, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Midchuck Date: 22 Feb 08 - 11:40 AM (Thread drift -- not a joke.) When my son was little, he thought "stupid" was a bad word, so he might well have thought it was the "s-word." His day care provider had emphatically taught all her charges that it was not allowed to call another kid stupid--which I totally support. Probably more damage has been done by calling kids "stupid" than by swearing at them. Some years back, we played an outdoor gig at the local farmers' market. So Mizchuck sings Lou and Peter Berryman's "A Chat With Your Mother" (the one that everyone always calls "The F-word Song). Afterwords some lady (I give her the benefit of the doubt) comes up and complains that that song is unsuitable for a family audience. Kris says, "But there are no bad words in it at all! That's the whole point of it!" The woman says "Yes, but what if my child should ask what the F-word is? What would I tell him?" Kris asks how old the kid is, woman says he's in kindergarten. Kris says, "He Knows." Woman went away. I'd have been tempted to answer her with eight words, the last six of which would be "...if you can't take a joke." But that's why we let Kris do our PR. Peter. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Mrrzy Date: 22 Feb 08 - 10:19 AM Have you ever tried to publish anything? Dear Journal Editor, It's Me Again By Roy F. Baumeister Dear Sir, Madame, or Other: Enclosed is our latest version of MS# 85-02-02-22-RRRRR, that is, the re-re-re-revised revision of our paper. Choke on it. We have again rewritten the entire manuscript from start to finish. We even changed the goddam running head! Hopefully we have suffered enough by now to satisfy even you and your bloodthirsty reviewers. I shall skip the usual point-by-point description of every single change we made in response to the critiques. After all, its fairly clear that your reviewers are less interested in details of scientific procedure than in working out their personality problems and sexual frustrations by seeking some kind of demented glee in the sadistic and arbitrary exercise of tyrannical power over hapless authors like ourselves who happen to fall into their clutches. We do understand that, in view of the misanthropic psychopaths you have on your editorial board, you need to keep sending them papers, for if they weren't reviewing manuscripts they'd probably be out mugging old ladies or clubbing baby seals to death. Still, from this batch of reviewers, C was clearly the most hostile, and we request that you not ask him or her to review this revision. Indeed, we have mailed letter bombs to four or five people we suspected of being reviewer C, so if you send the manuscript back to them the review process could be unduly delayed. Some of the reviewers' comments we couldn't do anything about. For example, if (as reviewer C suggested) several of my recent ancestors were indeed drawn from other species, it is too late to change that. Other suggestions were implemented, however, and the paper has improved and benefited. Thus, you suggested that we shorten the manuscript by 5 pages, and we were able to accomplish this very effectively by altering the margins and printing the paper in a different font with a smaller typeface. We agree with you that the paper is much better this way. One perplexing problem was dealing with suggestions # 13-28 by Reviewer B. As you may recall (that is, if you even bother reading the reviews before doing your decision letter), that reviewer listed 16 works that he/she felt we should cite in this paper. These were on a variety of different topics, none of which had any relevance to our work that we could see. Indeed, one was an essay on the Spanish-American War from a high school literary magazine. The only common thread was that all 16 were by the same author, presumably someone whom Reviewer B greatly admires and feels should be more widely cited. To handle this, we have modified the Introduction and added, after the review of relevant literature, a subsection entitled "Review of Irrelevant Literature" that discusses these articles and also duly addresses some of the more asinine suggestions in the other reviews. We hope that you will be pleased with this revision and will finally recognize how urgently deserving of publication this work is. If not, then you are an unscrupulous, depraved monster with no shred of human decency. You ought to be in a cage. May whatever heritage you come from be the butt of the next round of ethnic jokes. If you do accept it, however, we wish to thank you for your patience and wisdom throughout this process and to express our appreciation of your scholarly insights. To repay you, we would be happy to review some manuscripts for you; please send us the next manuscript that any of these reviewers submits to your journal. Assuming you accept this paper, we would also like to add a footnote acknowledging your help with this manuscript and to point out that we liked the paper much better the way we originally wrote it, but you held the editorial shotgun to our heads and forced us chop, reshuffle, restate, hedge expand, shorten, and in general covert a meaty paper into stir-fried vegetables. We couldn't or wouldn't have done it without your input. Sincerely, (your name here) |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: GUEST,Jim Dixon Date: 21 Feb 08 - 02:25 PM (Thread drift -- not a joke.) When my son was little, he thought "stupid" was a bad word, so he might well have thought it was the "s-word." His day care provider had emphatically taught all her charges that it was not allowed to call another kid stupid--which I totally support. Probably more damage has been done by calling kids "stupid" than by swearing at them. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO Date: 21 Feb 08 - 11:20 AM "Clarification" If you've ever wanted a child to not bear his/her testimony, (an LDS Church practice) you'll appreciate this one!! At a recent testimony meeting, a five-year-old little girl stood up and bore her testimony. After mentioning everyone and everything she was thankful for, she ended with this: "I am especially grateful that our house has been much happier since our family stopped using The "S-word" and the "F-word." As the little girl proudly walked back to her seat, nobody could say a word. Needless to say they were a little shocked by what the stake president's daughter had just said. Quickly, the red-faced stake president stood up, smiled shyly, and went to the podium. "I feel I should make a clarification as to what my daughter meant. In our house the "S-word" is Shut-up and the "F-word" is Fart." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO Date: 21 Feb 08 - 11:18 AM |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: autolycus Date: 21 Feb 08 - 01:52 AM No prob, Mrrzy. Of course, I never play with m.........hang on, I'm in public - so sorry. I personally like jok...no, feedback on jokes,know what's going down well, 'n' all. Ivor |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Mrrzy Date: 20 Feb 08 - 08:11 PM LOL, bpeterfirth and ROFLMAO anon. via autolycus (whose name, I'm sorry to have to admit, I've been {mis}pronouncing Autoclytus all these years and didn't realize I was wrong till I just tried to type it and what I wrote didn't match, so I had to go back for a letter-by-letter read, sorry, autolycus!)! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: peterfirth Date: 20 Feb 08 - 05:21 PM An Australian bloke had just finished making love with his Thai girlfriend. She reached over and started fondling his genitals. "You like doing that?" he asked. "Sure do," she said, "I really miss playing with mine." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: autolycus Date: 20 Feb 08 - 01:04 PM It. Was A. Remnant. Of. Joke. :-) Ivor |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: GUEST,Gentile Cholesterol Date: 20 Feb 08 - 12:21 PM Well, I know my Cholesterol level, and I ain't Jewish. Here's a Chicken-and-Egg one; the hen looked at the scrambled egg and called it "just a crazy mixed-up kid". And an Emo one that has to be told slowly and carefully: "I was making out with this really great babe last night. Yep, from the way she was responding to my advances, you'd have sworn she was conscious. Aah! From the top of her head right down to the tag on her toe.." (at which point the audience, predictably, erupts) |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: autolycus Date: 20 Feb 08 - 11:18 AM It's easy to find out if someone is Jewish. You just ask them their cholesteral level. If they tell you, they're Jewish. All Jews know it. Jackie Mason. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Man goes into a sex shops and apparently asks for a blow-up doll.(I wasn't there so can't confirm that.) The assistant asks,"Do you want a Christian doll or a Muslim one?". The man asks, "What's the difference?" The assistant says,"The Muslim one blows itself up." Anon. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Two guys arrived at my door and said they wanted to talk to me about Jesus. "Oh no," I said,"What's He done now?" Kevin McAleer. Ivor |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 20 Feb 08 - 09:20 AM "Tired Dog" An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 19 Feb 08 - 07:55 PM My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My goodness!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 19 Feb 08 - 05:07 PM POSSIBLY THE BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER: A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 19 Feb 08 - 03:38 PM REDHEAD A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings . The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " "No," she replies. . . . . ... ... "You just happened to catch my eye." (Oh be quiet!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: autolycus Date: 19 Feb 08 - 12:45 PM Oh the one about men getting lost all the time reminds me. Q. Why did rhe Children of Israel spend 40 years traipsing thru the desert? A. Cos their leaders wouldn't ask for directions. Ivor |
