BS: stay afloat while others don't

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Jul 20 - 09:52 PM

With the absence of migraine agony, my life feels worth living even more. Perhaps too much for timid souls. I'm pretty sure total trust is not healthy. chant- 'it just doesn't matter'
May you dispense with the useless agony of your choice.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 30 Jul 20 - 11:53 AM

I concur, Mrrzy, fascinating on more levels than one ...

remember the patient who lost his temper and stormed out of a community meeting, which one is supposed not to do?
He is in serious trouble now.
I'm not going to say what substance he was 'using' but
suffice to say you're not supposed to use it, or other substances that compare to it.
He had been secretly doing so for weeks, right under our noses.
I'm not even going to specify if the substance is generally illicit or if it is legal past a certain age or whatever.
The point is, he is an in-patient resident living in close quarters with several dozens of other patients, and his actions affected us all, however indirectly.

Having avoided 'substance use' in general for the whole of my life, there is a lot about which I am ignorant.
I was just aware that this patient, always needy and dependent on interacting with others, was presenting in a way that was increasingly conflicted and complex.
With a change to his prescribed meds --
something that happens quite often in a clinic like this one --
he went through a downright euphoric period, and in fact he was insufferable for a while,
because he wanted the whole civilized world to know that he felt like life was worth living again, aargh, which is anything but considerate of fellow patients who may really still be struggling.

Then, with the improvement in his feelings and well-being, came the moments when he could no longer avoid looking at the really tough issues which were his excuse to abuse substances in the first place. And so, he took the path of least resistance, for weeks as I say, covering it up the whole time. And the way he presented, while hiding it, was a different presentation. His volatile temper got worse instead of better. However, instead of demanding attention and being needy, he became wary and guarded, holding people at arm's length or further. This is a troubling combination even to someone like me who does not know what to suspect.

Of course the patient population includes other recovering abusers of substances, and no one had been watching this patient MORE carefully than they had. One of them caught him out, not because he was obviously in an altered state, but because they caught him carrying a certain implement, and: "Is that a ***** ?"   Sooooooo busted.

Eventually these others will sort things out, but right now they are royally pissed-off with this patient, now that they can look back on the last few weeks and recall all the times they socialized with him and what he said, and how he said it, instead of coming clean.

This patient has not been discharged on the spot. He turned himself in, for one thing, after being caught out by his fellow patient. Other mitigating factors. This does not mean that he won't be asked to leave -- just, that it won't happen now if it does happen. First his case will go through a couple of weeks of reevaluation, for which there is a definite protocol and procedure. So whether he continues or whether he receives an administrative discharge, he will have the benefit of sustained, cooperative, care and attention from a whole integrated team of different specialists.

In my months here, I have witnessed this reevaluation process for two previous patients, both of whom were allowed to continue their treatment following the process; it was a wholly positive experience for both of these;
and for one of those earlier patients, whose parents had sort of dragged him here after years of having psychiatrists controlling him with addictive prescription meds, the reevaluation -- following a really scary "discompensation" incident -- was truly a turning point; now he is grateful for the attention that he received when his need was greatest, and he continues his treatment on an entirely different footing: not against his will, as when he was first admitted, but voluntarily and with gratitude and appreciation. That is a beautiful thing to watch, as unnerving as the incident was that was the catalyst for the breakthrough.
Time will tell, with this third patient, how things work out; and meanwhile the patient community is helping each other get to grips with the disturbance and the drama.

Although I am hanging in there, and my treatment is going well and I am working hard and productively at it, I'm starting to think carefully about life after treatment. Which I guess means that I feel safe enough to do so without doing it as an escape or an avoidance of reality. And only time will tell how that, too, works out.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Jul 20 - 04:55 PM

Fascinating...

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Jul 20 - 10:44 PM

I know the concerto well. Once a new conductor at concert time decided to conduct in 2-4 instead of 4-4 to give it some spontaneous energy but the orchestra instead thought it was 4-4 so they played it twice as slow. When the soloists joined in they too went at a lugubrious molassas tempo. There was no hope so I stood up and did my best Jimmy Durante imitation and yelled "Stop the music, stop the music... Now lets play the hell outta this thing, Maestro" then the conductor did a furious 4-4 and we began again. Most people thought it was part of the act.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 27 Jul 20 - 08:52 PM

meanwhile, back at the clinic ...

there is actually a group, with the newly admitted patients,
forming of classical string players.
We do not have, sadly, a true string quartet.
That said, there are three now:
one violinist, one violist, and one 'cellist.
The three of them, when they get a free evening,
congregate after supper (and after the final therapy group meeting)
and they get their instruments out.

On one occasion I attempted something on piano with them,
and on other occasions I have simply listened to them rehearse.

At first there was a lot of sight-reading going on because
we didn't all know the same pieces.

There is an interesting arrangement of an existing piece,
the Bach concerto for two violins in D minor
-- or rather, of its opening movement.
Somebody took the second-solo-violin part,
and the bass line which the cello plays,
and did an ingenious merge, just with that opening movement:
the second-solo-violin part is transposed down an octave,
and blended into the bass line.
And thus, you end up with
a duet for violin and cello.
Not the same without an entire orchestra filling in the chords,
but still you get a spare, clean arrangement of the piece.
It actually works,
and every time the two of them play it, it sounds better.

There is also a Shostakovich Prelude, not very long, which is
a duet for viola and cello --
or, perhaps, a viola-cello arrangement of something different?

Anyway, those two players ran through that one.

Then there was the evening -- this was weeks ago actually --
when the violinist was not free, and the question came up, is there anything for viola, cello, and piano?   It's rare.
And predictably, what we came up with was an arrangement of a differently scored piece of classical music, and what a find we caught:


Opus 114 by Johannes Brahms -- VERY late opus number for him, he was an old man and a fully mature composer, at his best --
is scored for a trio of clarinet, cello, and piano.
And it is arranged with
the clarinet part played by the viola instead.
So we ran to a public-domain computer website
and printed the score and the parts out.

Being as it's Brahms, and ALL of us were sight-reading,
I suggested we attempt the two SLOW movements in the middle?
Well, my intentions were good, and it was still ...
erm ... in a way it was entertaining and fun, but
OH, how we butchered the Brahms! And we kept bogging down and getting stuck.

The other night, the cellist confided to me that although he has not practiced his cello part in the Brahms,
he did find time to pull up online sites where he can listen to the music, which of course he did not know before;
and he could see/hear that this is a beautiful piece of chamber music
and worth working on.

All this, in addition to the ongoing dramas of
treatment at a mental health clinic. It's a change of pace, anyhow.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 02 Jul 20 - 03:59 PM

How fast fourteen years fly when you're Mudcatting, Helen!


Meanwhile, back at the clinic:
It was bound to happen. I have stuck out four months before
experiencing this for the first time.
Five days a week, a general meeting is held, by and for the patients themselves, although staff members frequently attend and are welcome to do so. Patients themselves chair/facilitate these weekday meetings. They are voluntary, no one is absolutely required to come [although the patient who is community-meeting chair is elected to that office during a term of time, and that patient had darned well better show up during their term].
I have not attended each and every weekday meeting, myself, during my four months here, so what happened may have happened already during that time and I was just conveniently absent back then.

It's not unheard of for a patient to get up and walk out, although it is discouraged.
The patient who did it today, however, lost their temper before walking out, so we witnessed an outburst of anger and rage during the meeting.
Well, this is a mental health hospital, after all, so why would this not happen?
I suppose the wonder is that I have not seen it happen sooner.

Nor did it surprise me which patient it was, and of course
I cannot divulge too much here. I can say,
this patient has been repeatedly warning us all of two things:
their issues with rage, anger, and temper, which they're working on;
and their growing frustration with certain conditions, let's just say
they are related to the pandemic lockdown restrictions and
an enforced separation from family.
This patient is hardly alone in that latter predicament.
Nor the only one with anger management issues.

It's just that the two combined in an explosive fashion today.
Nobody and nothing was hurt or damaged.
A few people were 'triggered,' not least the poor patient who stormed out.
It certainly made for drama, though.

I'm all right, as I could see this coming, for a start,
and I know how to stay out of harm's way.
I also grasp that in the long run this is a positive development,
and can be used in future to make things better.
The people who had a hard time with this incident, of course,
were the ones who tend to merge with other patients and
who have a hard time letting go once they engage --
some of these were shaken.

So we had fireworks, you might say, before July Fourth.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Helen
Date: 01 Jul 20 - 06:04 PM

I've found them on YouTube.

I have to admit that this style of song is not my favourite to listen to, but I appreciate the beauty of it.

I'm thinking about refreshing the classical music thread that I started. Wow! I thought I started it a few years ago, but it was back in 2006. The older I get, the faster time flies.

Classical music - what makes you listen

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 01 Jul 20 - 05:24 PM

Flanders and Swann wrote "The Elephant" for
the singer Ian Wallace, who first recorded it;
the song may turn up on their Beastiary, or whatever that collection is, of their Animal Songs,
along with The Gnu, The Warthog, The Sloth, The Whale (Mopy Dick),
and so on.


Composers Schubert and Hugo Wolf are both Lieder composers,
and I haven't looked up online listening for those songs
but some of their songs, surely, can be listened to online.

Another one we looked at last night
(it was a busy half hour:

a French Mélodie by Ernest Chausson
called Le Colibri (The Hummingbird).

Right now, as I sit at the computer station,
it is thundering and storming outside.
I hope the power doesn't get knocked out
the way it did on Monday, two days ago.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Helen
Date: 01 Jul 20 - 04:28 PM

Hey keberoxu, thanks for your music "Liszt". The only one I have heard of is the F&S song about mud.

I'm Lisztening now to "Oh! quand je dors". Beautiful!

I'll find the other ones too.

(I have some favourite Liszt tracks on a couple of CD's.)

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 30 Jun 20 - 09:14 PM

Well, Helen, since you asked,
I just surprised him with Flanders & Swann's
"The Elephant," about the Elephant's Nursing Home
and being psychoanalyzed.
Of course he was familiar with
"Mud, mud, glorious mud," however
in the USA, few are familiar with much more of F & S than that --
so this was new to him. He was thoroughly amused.

We also went through
"Oh! quand je dors,"
words by Victor Hugo and music by Franz Liszt;
and last week at this appointment, it was
"Epiphanias,"
words by Goethe and music by Hugo Wolf.

The latter is comedy/satire, about We Three Kings, the Magi.
Goethe has it:
They like to be feasted when they visit,
they like to drink well,
and they do NOT like having to pay the bill afterwards!
And anyway, they are "Off to see the Christ Child,
The Won-der-ful" -- oops, wrong movie --
anyway, since there is no star standing still overhead,
they must get back on their camels and follow that star now.
Very funny little marching song.
But being a Lied, an art song,
it is much tougher to execute than it is to listen to.

We've also done Schubert's "Der Musensohn," I forget the poet,
a rapid bouncy song about the itinerant singer who goes from place to place
cheering people up with his singing, and one of these days
he honestly would like to get back home where
someone is waiting for him, but his MUSE keeps him wandering.

It's a welcome break from psychotherapy, I promise you!
(The food, however, is still first-rate,
so I always show up at mealtime.)

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Helen
Date: 30 Jun 20 - 05:39 PM

keberoxu, your music collaboration is very inspiring. I'm interested to know which music pieces you are practising, just so that I can imagine your mini-sessions more completely.

This week I saw a news item on TV about the issues surrounding using face masks in mental health environments, mainly relating to the difficulties in making personal connection with people who are under stress or emotional difficulties while having half of each other's faces covered. I was only half watching it and I can't find the article. I'll keep searching for it.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Jun 20 - 11:13 AM

Good on yer, k.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 25 Jun 20 - 09:00 PM

Don't let
they-who-must-not-be-named
get you down, Mrrzy.
I support you.


About me:
still here at the clinic.
As this particular state eases up on
businesses and local economies,
the department of mental health
is getting even more strict, curiously enough,
with "congregate housing" like this.

Used to be,
25 people, max, in a room;
now, it's a maximum of 10 people,
AND
they MUST wear masks, all of them.
This is inside the institution.

So, walking a fine line between
boosting the local economy
and
protecting the health of the citizens.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Jun 20 - 11:47 AM

Don't cash it yet!

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 13 Jun 20 - 08:20 PM

A moment of reckoning has arrived.
When the upsetting thing happened at the end of May,
I thought I had heard everything.
I was mistaken.

What is surfacing now, again, is not directly about me,
but about other patients in the in-patient population.
Something happened a year ago, which,
if it had not been hushed up in a particular fashion,
would have resulted in lawsuits and liabilities.
Now, of course, it is all coming out.
And I don't dare expose it here.
Again, it did not happen now, nor to me.
But there are patients who were here a year ago,
who are still here now,
and I tell you, some of them bear scars (metaphorically).

If I had known about this thing, when I came through admissions,
would I have accepted and entered treatment here?
Moot point now, it seems.

So much for the new-patient honeymoon phase;
it was sweet while it lasted.
Now comes the reality check.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 09 Jun 20 - 09:34 PM

Update on my post dated
7 May:

going great guns with the local musician who comes to the clinic
two evenings a week to share music with the patients,
usually one at a time.

He has classical music education and formation on the same level as mine, so
we are like peers together.
We take turns -- he plays the piano and I sing,
then I play the piano and he sings.
And it's even okay when we each hit wrong notes and have to
stop and start over again.

He seems as grateful for the chance to
run through high-level repertoire as I am.
One of these days, I think facetiously,
I had better meet his good wife,
so she doesn't get suspicious about the two of us
away from her house!

But then, I AM a mental patient, after all.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Jun 20 - 04:55 PM

There is a psych philosophy that equates tears and such as an emotional discharge that eventually rinses and rids the psyche of distress and angst. I called it curing emotional constipation but it works for many.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 07 Jun 20 - 04:43 PM

Here at the mental health clinic,
the new-admissions side of business is gaining momentum
after suspension during two months of pandemic restrictions.
All five potential admissions, during the previous month,
accepted and were admitted;
three have completed their fourteen days of quarantine,
and are living amongst the rest of us patients
at the in-patient residence,
dining in the dining room with us, coming to group meetings, and so on.

Two more will complete their fourteen days this coming week --
one of them, tomorrow, I believe.

And we have two newbies being interviewed this week by Admissions,
and they will head for their quarantine this week if accepted.

The clinic's in-patient residence
had a lot of empty rooms/beds last month,
but if admissions continue at this pace,
it won't last long.

I have heard one of last month's admissions,
a man a little bit younger than I
with a spouse and children,
say that this institution is exactly the right place for him
and that he is inexpressibly grateful to be here.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Jun 20 - 04:46 PM

Not backsliding is progress. Even backsliding can serve a purpose, and thus also be progress. Hang in there, k.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 05 Jun 20 - 03:08 PM

These days, in my treatment,
I am floating on a current of my own tears.
It's tiring, but
I have to trust that I'm making progress.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 04 Jun 20 - 02:32 PM

In answer to the mask question:

If the entire congregate-housing complex, including the residential unit, had people who were ill, if there were active cases of people ill with coronavirus, then, likely, every person here would have a face mask.

The way that our congregate-housing clinic is complying with laws, orders, and requirements, is to ask patients not to leave the premises; and as patients continue healthy here, the patients restricted to the premises go mask-free.   

It is a different matter for staff. Staff do not reside on the premises; they commute to this congregate-housing campus from their homes off-campus. Staff are required to wear face-masks at all times on campus.

A recent exception has negotiated the social-distancing requirement. Two people who meet for an in-person consultation of some length, provided they have at their disposal a meeting space that is well ventilated, recently cleaned and disinfected, and has sufficient room for the two people to sit six feet apart or further: these two people, under these conditions, may carry out their therapy/treatment/consultation, as long as they stay apart, with or without masks according to their own choice.

The one time when patients in residence at this congregate-housing campus MUST put on face masks, is when circumstances limit the patient's treatment to in-person work in a smaller room. Thus, in a little office not as well ventilated, where the seating cannot be a full social-distancing length apart, both the patient and the clinician go through their treatment appointment wearing masks.

I can tell you that some of the clinic patients
are getting hard to live with for the excellent reason
that they have been separated from their families and loved ones,
unable to have them visit, much less to visit them,
for over two months now.
Phone calls and FaceTime/ZOOM just are not the same,
especially for patients who are parents of young children.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jun 20 - 10:39 AM

Are you wearing masks?
You are fortunate to be insulated or isolated from some triggers in the larger outside world lately. In such a clinical enviornment one stressful person can seem magnified in significance.

Ha! Helen everythings a spiral over time from tiny DNA to the solar system's trip around the galaxy called the Milky way. As my hair gets longer it too is begining to curl. :^/

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Jun 20 - 07:50 AM

Floating this thread back to the waterline...

I googled "buoy jokes" and found some truly bizarre humor. Have some.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Jun 20 - 10:22 AM

Buoy oh buoy, dearie!

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Helen
Date: 01 Jun 20 - 01:12 AM

keberoxu, when you are in an undertow with other people around you who can talk you through it, help you to make sense of it, and advocate on your behalf, it's a completely different situation than trying to make sense of it all on your own.

Your triggers have probably been tripped, but if you evaluate your current situation, it may not be anywhere near as scary as previous experiences because of that support system and the increased knowledge and awareness that you have gained so far in your life.

I know I've said this before on Mudcat, but when I was in teacher training one of the lecturers said that learning is not walking around and around a circular path, seeing and doing exactly the same things over and over again. It's a spiral going upwards, so when you encounter a situation which you have been in before, you are different than you were previously.

Hopefully you have more awareness or knowledge, even if it feels like you wish you didn't, but every little bit of progress can help you to make better sense of each similar experience when it occurs until finally, hopefully you can walk through an experience with relative ease, recognising what is happening, and making decisions which have more chance of achieving a positive outcome.

By the time I was in a work situation 10 years ago and a bully was holding power over a lot of people, I recognised fairly quickly what the situation was, how the bully behaved, how his hangers-on behaved, why the managers let him get away with it, why other people did not complain about his behaviour, but also what actions I needed to take, and how much determination I would need, but also how it would affect me psychologically and emotionally, even if I won and he lost the battle. That's because I had encountered similar situations over many decades and gradually learned what I needed to know with each new experience.

It's a spiral. Onwards and upwards. Per ardua ad astra.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 31 May 20 - 09:11 PM

The clinic has five 'newbies' now;
three of them stuck out their two-week quarantine
and are now circulating amongst the rest of us.
The other two are still in quarantine,
having arrived more recently than the first three.



Change of subject:
this is so hard, so very hard.
I can't say much.
Not happening to me, but to other patients.
These other patients have submitted complaints about, sad to say,
yet another patient who has been here for several years now.
The way this last patient is mistreating others
hits all of my deepest triggers.
The clinic's trouble-shooting protocol is slowly creaking its way
through the formal procedure.
As much as nothing has directly been done or happened to me,
I feel so fearful and angry and sad and distrustful and unsafe.

Well, something was bound to trip my triggers in treatment,
and if there is one thing I don't feel, it is surprise.
But I hate that this troubles me so deeply.
Am I talking about my feelings? You bet I am.
My therapist has heard about my feelings,
my social worker, my care coordinator,
the nursing staff (Emergency Services),
the residential program manager,
other patients,
group facilitators, and on, and on ...

I was so happy and trusting here, until this came out in the open.
Out in the open is, of course, where it ought to be.
Some of this on the part of the problem patient
had been covered up for months,
which makes me even angrier and more distrusting.

Donuel spoke weeks ago of a sandbar.
Now I've got more of a
undertow/riptide going on.
No, I'm not going to drown, obviously,
because I'm not entirely at the mercy of the current,
to continue the metaphor.
I am buoyed up to the surface,
there are helping hands,
there are lifelines.
I am far from abandoned.

And it still feels like a nightmare
from which I am desperate to wake up.
Thanks for listening.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 11 May 20 - 07:35 PM

Whew!
The clinic admitted a new patient for the first time in two months.
With the coronavirus orders and restrictions and everything,
first day of admissions is being done rather differently
than it was ten weeks ago when I showed up.

This young (30-ish) woman is a New York native, and as
we are not in New York and she is from out of state,
she must be isolated for fourteen days in the admit wing.
She can go from her little admit room
to the nurses' station on the same floor, and will do tomorrow.
But she can't join us in the dining room for meals.
And when she has therapy / psychiatry /social worker / clinical appointments,
she has to have the sessions remotely, using ZOOM.
I hope the two weeks are not unbearable for her,
it is so different than it was for me.

I am one of the volunteers who helped to welcome her today.
I've never done this before.
Normally on the first day, one of the patients will volunteer
to take the new patient on a tour of the clinic campus --
always it is a patient who is supposed to do this.
Actually, on my first day,
the volunteers were all signed up for patient-sponsor duties,
but the one who was supposed to give me the tour
went all space-cadet and never showed up ...
so an embarrassed member of the admissions staff
gave me a hasty tour, then handed me over to the dining room for lunch!

I've never forgotten that.
So I volunteered, fool that I am, to provide the tour,
so that the new patient today would have
what I missed.

Oh dear. I had a script to work with -- well, okay, an OUTLINE.
This had to be done remotely, as well.
The new patient is in her little admit room,
and she stayed there the whole time using ZOOM on her computer or smartphone or something.
The nurses' station loaned me a tablet,
since I have no smartphone or cellphone myself.
So there I was, marching around inside the residence building
carrying this tablet connected to a ZOOM session,
showing her the inside of the residence areas through the webcam
or whatever you call it,
and keeping a walking commentary running,
answering questions, and so on.
I was all out of breath when it was over,
and it ran maybe half-an-hour or forty minutes.

The poor kid! I hope I didn't embarrass myself TOO much
but she was very polite and good-natured about the whole thing.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 10 May 20 - 11:00 AM

Coming up to ten weeks at the clinic,
where admissions were suspended in mid-March
(I just barely got admitted before the pandemic restrictions).

Tomorrow, is the first week
that the clinic is processing possible new admissions.
Because this clinic is all about voluntary instead of compulsory,
right up to the in-person interview with the admissions director,
the potential patient can say No, and turn around and leave.
This week, on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday,
there is a potential admission scheduled for each day.
Because this is a small clinic with a strong emphasis on
an extended therapeutic 'community,' in which
the patients contribute enormously to the 'community,'
the patients as a collective are watching this closely
and some of us have volunteered to assist, as we may, with
making the new patients welcome.

Because all of these first three applicants come to the clinic
from out of state
(one is from Texas which is a LONG ways from here),
each one must observe a two-week quarantine on the premises.
The clinic has hospital accreditation, albeit this place doesn't look like a hospital in some respects.
And so, with adjustments and adaptations here and there,
it is possible to turn the admit wing of the in-patient residence
into a quarantine area, and such has been done.
Three meals a day will be carried to the patients' little rooms.

I checked in, as one does, with an assigned nurse this morning.
She is one of the young healthy vigorous nurses
(some of the nurses are downright elderly), and
I commiserated with her about the extra work with the new admissions in quarantine.
I observed, "You nurses are going to be run off your feet, bringing them three meals a day."
And she laughed and minimized it, saying,
"it's not like we're breaking rocks!"

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 07 May 20 - 06:56 PM

The young man who plays the 'cello ...
well, he made his offer
BEFORE the coronavirus pandemic.
He is still here, I am still here,
but nobody has been very music-minded of late.
I don't think he has touched his 'cello since then actually.

However there is a local chorus director (retired singer)
who comes two nights a week to the clinic -- he lives nearby,
and if I hear right, he walks here from his house --
to cheer up the patients with singalongs.
He has good classical-music credentials and experience,
so I got up my nerve and went in to the community room
where he was holding forth at the piano.
I let him stick to the piano,
and I did some singing --
Schubert, Schumann, Brahms.
I haven't made music like that in ages.
He was very gracious about my un-warmed-up singing.

I believe I just might have made a new friend.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 04 May 20 - 07:24 PM

Yes, it's good to be making progress at last.
That obstacle in the first two months was a struggle to get past,
but hopefully a lesson was learned from it.
There are leaves on the trees at last,
after all those months of bare branches.
Hope for new inner growth as well.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 May 20 - 08:42 AM

Good conversation. And anything that brings those tears out is good. Tears serve an excretory function- nobody can be well while their brain is stopped up.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 01 May 20 - 02:12 PM

Today in the in-patient residence dining room,
my table was shared (social distancing and all)
with a fellow patient who has been here longer than I,
and who started out,
assigned to the same psychotherapist that I was assigned to --
and who also went through administration to switch clinicians.

This patient and I have two very different individual personalities,
and our interests greatly differ as well,
so we don't often have direct conversations,
even though we know each other well enough to speak to.

However, I broached the subject of terminating
with this particular psychologist here.
And we had quite a time comparing notes.
Although each of us took an entirely different approach
in attempting to make the relationship work,
then watching it break down, and giving up
-- it would be inappropriate to go into detail --
we both ended up with much the same impression
of this rather haughty-acting, remote, defensive personality
with which our former therapist confronted us in treatment.

We both think this person is in some kind of trouble:
putting up a front, putting on a performance,
and going on the defensive when
confronted about remoteness and manner.
And, although we two patients are very different,
we both found ourselves shouldering blame and guilt
for how badly the therapist relationship went,
which speaks to why each of us needs treatment, of course!

Each of us, in the formal process of changing clinicians,
had to go through a formal 'consultation'
in which a senior clinician, with whom the patient has no prior connection,
interviews the patient separately,
as well as a separate interview of the therapist.

And each of us two patients
had a different senior psychotherapist for this consultation,
and yet our consultant clinicians
agreed on the breakdown of the therapeutic relationship
and the accountability of the therapist.

This afternoon, for the first time since the initial interview,
my work begins with the new therapist.
We have a lot of catching up to do!
(I get a little weary thinking about it.)

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 30 Apr 20 - 11:09 AM

Donuel, I read you loud and clear.
Thank you!

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Apr 20 - 06:20 PM

Sounds like you are stalled on a sandbar. While not technically afloat the sandbar keeps you up. Its better than sinking. The tide will help.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 29 Apr 20 - 05:28 PM

Maybe this lower-the-expectations strategy works after all.
I finished up this week's interviews in my process
to switch to a different therapist at this clinic.
And today: success.
Interviewed a therapist about whom I knew nothing,
not even by reputation.
And we clicked right away: our personalities are compatible,
we are both direct to the point of bluntness,
she has a good serious work ethic,
and she is for real: we can connect on the spot.
So I reported to the Director of Patient Care,
and barring anything unforeseen,
I get to go back to the drawing board -- metaphor for admission --
and really get to work this time.
I was so dreading the decision among three different candidates,
but it has ended up being very simple.
It won't be easy, but at least it won't feel impossible,
as the previous relationship did.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 28 Apr 20 - 11:04 PM

We all have to hang in there, in times like these.

I'm interviewing prospective new therapists
and I break down and cry every time.
My throat hurts from choking up.
I sure hope this is worth it.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Apr 20 - 05:43 PM

Yeah, but I liked being *fine* eh!

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 26 Apr 20 - 01:53 PM

Do consider, dear Mrr,
that with the COVID-19 pandemic crisis weighing on us all,
and darned near powerless to do anything but wait and see,
ANYBODY could come down with the itchies, bless you.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Apr 20 - 07:55 AM

Good on yer, keberoxu.

I have started having the itchies again, always a sign of stress with me, but from which I had not actually been suffering these last few years. Hope it is not a harbinger of worse to come...

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 25 Apr 20 - 09:22 PM

Some day,
I will look back on these first two months in treatment
and feel proud of my pro-active stance and actions.
It has to be said, in fairness,
that this clinic had staff at every level
who supported me and advised me in every choice I made;
such is the overall attitude here,
that one has the patient's best interests at heart.

I hope it will be borne out, as my treatment continues,
that going back to the drawing board two months later
makes it worth being here this long.

I have not disclosed to this thread
all the drama that I have been surprised by here.
I told you about the poor fellow with the terrible cough
( did I not mention his cough?)
who I suspected of yelling at the delivery men.
(It was actually the night nurse.)

He isn't here any more.
With the COVID-19 restrictions setting in,
he wanted to go home
to his pregnant wife and their little son.
So he pushed for discharge and left the clinic.

In the meantime,
I was sitting at this computer station late one evening
when two other patients
had this huge blow-up,
and they took absolutely NO notice of me sitting there
and hearing the whole sordid thing.

This took several weeks to be dealt with.
I did end up taking advantage of a staffperson's offer
to act as mediator,
and spoke with each of the two patients
about how startled and frightened I was.

I understand now, having discussed this with staff,
that these two patients,
who have been here far longer than I,
have an ongoing contentious and emotional connection to each other.
This isn't going to die down just because I spoke up.
But the upside is
that there is always someone to confide in
and to be supportive here.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 22 Apr 20 - 02:04 PM

One week later --
after agreeing to be loaned a tablet (from the nurses' station)
and connecting by ZOOM to a clinician staying at home --
I have finally done what the administration required of me.

Just today I participated in a remote ZOOM session with
a senior psychotherapist who interviewed me, separately,
about what went wrong between me and my former therapist:
a 'consultation,' the formal name of it.
It was not easy to do, but it is done.

In the meantime, although I am in treatment,
I go without psychotherapy until it is possible
to switch psychologists, which ... will happen eventually.
I do hope that I am not in for
another ordeal like the past eight weeks.
But all the formalities are being observed in some way or other.

I regret that the past eight weeks were so difficult,
but I am still glad that I came and that I am here,
and I still want to stay and get on with things.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 21 Apr 20 - 05:55 PM

Glazed ham for dinner, which I have yet to sit down to --
better get some before it's all gone.
Check in later.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Apr 20 - 08:33 AM

Stay in, dude. We love you.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 17 Apr 20 - 09:21 PM

The clinic came one step closer to the pandemic crisis.
With congregate housing under a shelter-in-place order here,
only something urgent would take one of the patients off campus.
Well, shortly before Passover, one patient went
to the emergency room,
was tested, and discharged.
Said patient then went to a Seder observation which was held
in one of the little apartments on the clinic campus
for patients out of the residence and away from the nursing staff.

When this patient then developed 'symptoms',
the quarantine protocol went into effect
while waiting for the test results to be released.
The wait went over one weekend, which made it longer I think.
The patient was quarantined in their in-patient residence bedroom.
The others at the Seder who had had close contact with the patient
also were put under quarantine, meaning
that they stayed in their on-campus apartment building,
and had meals brought to them and everything.

This week the test results came back, negative,
and the quarantine was lifted altogether.
It was a very sobering reminder to all of us
not to be casual or careless, regardless of the fact
that negative test results
spared us being put through the whole pandemic treatment/protocol.


...yes, sometimes I am reminded of those
who need this clinic far more desperately than I need it.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 16 Apr 20 - 12:47 PM

I told you that the food is died-and-gone-to-heaven wonderful, right?

Lunch today was Swedish meatballs with egg noodles, side of roasted vegetables which were cauliflower and chopped asparagus with some onion.

I went back for seconds!
The buffet, you must understand, is no more.
Infection Control and buffet serveries are a poor mix.
So the long-suffering kitchen staff,
which has run the dining-room buffet for years now,
has to 'plate' our food -- on paper and plastic dishes and silverware
individually, which is completely new for them.

We can still drink out of beverage glasses that are synthetic, washable, and reusable.
Although there are also paper coffee cups
and ceramic mugs.

The social-distancing requirement has completely shaken up
the dining room,
where we used to sit eight to a table.
Same tables, now it is two to a table.
Ultimately it was requested -- and granted --
that all the now superfluous chairs be removed from the dining room,
because if the chairs are still around, then people will sit in them
even if people are too close to each other.
All the kitchen staff wear face masks in and out of the kitchen.

And there is a host of other little fussy changes
throughout the residence complex,
but I won't prolong this post with them.

I am so lucky to be here.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 14 Apr 20 - 04:03 PM

The Director of Patient Care at the clinic
interviewed me briefly today.
They have no problem with me requesting a switch,
however, it will take time.
The consultation, which features
a therapist different than the one known to
the patient requesting the switch/change,
is the next step.
The psychologist, have to call the person Doctor,
who is the Director of Patient Care,
has got a consultation therapist/interviewer in mind.
Only trouble is, this new therapist
is sheltering at home, and can't come in person.

And I don't have a computer of my own for ZOOMing.
Never mind, something will get worked out.
In the meantime, no therapy,
as I'm not going back to spend one more minute
with my former therapist,
and I'll have to lean on other support (like the nurses)
and carry my own weight carefully for a week or two.

At least the sun came out today.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 13 Apr 20 - 02:05 PM

The imbalance -- if there is a single word for it, that is the word --
between me and my now former therapist
has layer upon layer of complexity to it --
and that's just the part for which I myself am accountable.
Not even speaking of what the therapist's problem is.
And some of it is inappropriate to burden this thread with.

But getting to the deep festering part of my trouble,
and extracting the splinter of it,
has finally ended the impasse at which I have found myself,
therapeutically, for weeks.

My social worker, whose heart IS in the right place,
was an enormous help with this.
When he and I exposed the developmental issue at the heart of my problem,
and I burst into tears in his office,
the social worker said gently:
"Your therapy begins now."

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 13 Apr 20 - 11:10 AM

The change has started.
It would be incorrect to say, it's done:
no, it has started.

When my therapist and I kept our phone appointment,
I kept control of the conversation,
and spoke more as an independent individual
than with the dependence of the patient.
I stayed calm and stated my case with civility,
and said that we were finished.
I explained that the Director of Patient Care here
now has a letter from me (wrote it this weekend
and slipped it under her office door this morning)
and I will abide by the requirements of the administration.

It's not a question of asking for money back,
and I made this clear:
the therapist, as long as she is
my 'Therapist of Record,'
will have what she is entitled to.
She may have the money.
She simply may not have any more of my time,
because I'm not going back to her.
If she and I have to be present together in person,
I want somebody else there with us.
And she has got to work out her part of the problem
separately from me.

The in-patient coordinator, whom I just spoke to,
tells me that a consultation arrangement is the next step.
A different therapist
will interview both me and my former therapist,
and this different therapist will then report to administration.

Now I have to go and keep an appointment with my social worker.
And, for a time,
I will have to go without therapy entirely.

Fortunately, my plan here,
at the maximum expense level at this moment,
provides the maximum support from nursing,
and so if I need help, nursing can help me in the interim.

Thanks for your positive thoughts.
This is uncharted territory for me
and I feel like I am walking straight into the dark.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 13 Apr 20 - 09:40 AM

Within the hour,
I meet -- by telephone -- with my therapist.
I'll be thankful when it's over.
I must be resolute.

I have left a letter for
the director of Patient Care
about my therapist and me,
and about how I can't stand it any more.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 12 Apr 20 - 01:47 PM

So in my first two months at the mental health clinic,
I am dissatisfied with both my psychiatrist and my psychologist.

The psychiatrist, I have completely given up on.
I don't answer his phone messages now.
No doubt he is still being paid, but I'm not showing up.
And that is about to happen with the psychologist/psychotherapist as well.

I surprise myself doing this.
I didn't know I had it in me.
Many are the times that I have just turned tail and run away from a situation -- I've done that more times than I can count.
This may appear similar, only it feels different to me.
I don't want to leave the clinic now,
and this doesn't take into account
the crisis in the world which is changing everything for everyone.

When my psychotherapist, this week, expects me for the customary appointment
-- in the clinic procedure, these appointments are several times every week
-- I have news for her.
I am going to tell her in so many words:
Your heart is not in your work with me.
Where your heart is, and what you have a heart for,
is your affair.
And it isn't my job to make it any different for you.
You go right on pretending that you are all there,
when in fact you are putting on an act, a performance,
which is empty inside, which has no heart,
and you will lose me, sooner rather than later.
I don't want you taking up any more of my time
with hollow, empty talk.
If you won't meet my needs, somebody else will.

My case conference, which was maybe two weeks ago,
appears to me, now, in an entirely different light.
No wonder I felt such anguish during and after the conference.
No wonder I could not help breaking down and crying.
No wonder it hurt so bad.
I feel an utter fool for not having realized all this much sooner.