BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: Tig
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 05:50 PM

I usually wear a badge for folk festivals that says "Hugs are wonderful. Stop me and try one". I find most folkies like a quick hug - I certainly do. I wouldn't think it would go down well if I started hugging total strangers in the street though!

One thing I've learnt to do over the years is ask for a hug if I need one. Most people I'd ask would give me one and they are great confidence builders when you are 'off it' or unsure of yourself.

KEEP ON HUGGING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: Mudlark
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 04:37 PM

I read, years ago, about the symbolism of the handshake...the mixed, or at least combination message of 2 people touching, yet holding each other at bay, so to speak. I'm old enough that in my early adult days it was even unusual for a woman to offer her hand for a shake, let alone spontaneously hug a non-intimate someone. Not only was mine a non-huggy family, I come from a non-huggy time.

13 years in Arkansas, mingling with younger back to the landers in the craft scene brought me to hugging (my Scots husband NEVER got the hang of it). And I like it. But still find myself hesitating on the brink if signals aren't clear. I never take it amiss, tho, if hugging is not on offer. Free choice.

However, I do offer my hand when meeting someone new, when hugging seems like it might not be the thing. I agree that contact = good, and a handshake is better than nothing.

Sign me "A shy but enthusiastic hugger..."

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 04:15 PM

I come from a non touchy family, hugging was always out. I have to say that in the last few years I've started to hug a bit and hey, it's not bad.

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: Hawker
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 03:36 PM

I went to a hugging workshop at Bromyard Folk Festival a few years ago, it was great fun! It certainly broke the ice and allowed us to laugh at our slef consciousness. I suppose I do hug quite a lot, but I am also very aware of my own personal space, that is one thing that bugs me, when people invade MY personal space, standing too close, touching un-necessarily etc. A good honest hug I can cope with but not someone in my face!
Lucy

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: Big Mick
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 03:36 PM

Hi. My name is Mick. I AM A HUGGER!!

Actually, if I sense any hesitancy, I will either ask, or just put my hand out.

I have been raised and have come to understand that sex is sex, and affection is affection. I do not equate signs of affection with sexual things. Hence, I hug people I care about. I kiss my Father every time I see him. I have some male friends whom I greet with a peck. Same with female friends. These things just seem natural to me, but I stay aware of my surroundings and the folks I am greeting. I have had another man question my sexuality when he saw me kiss a close male friend. So I whipped his ass, and then kissed him on top of his bleeding head..............................LOL. Just kidding, folks. About the ass whupping that is. I just told him he needed to see a therapist to help himself with his insecurity about his manliness.

So yeah...........I hug, when appropriate. Which always with people I care about. As long as it is OK with them.

Mick

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: Bassic
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 02:42 PM

I like being cuddled, but coddling sounds like getting beaten up! or is it a small cod?

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: Peter T.
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 02:40 PM

Fear not, Folk Denizens, I remain firmly non-Huggist, on Anglo=Saxon principles, except under exceptional circumstances, into which this lady definitely fit. Also, who am I to disappoint Rick, who has taken to inhaling barbeque fumes and mass embracing to cover his struggles with the demon weed.

yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: kendall
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 02:22 PM

Not sure? approach with arms wide apart; if they want to be hugged, that is a clear signal. If they don't, they will either not respond, or they will offer a handshake. I used to think that if a woman gave me a nose to knees full frontal hug, it meant more was possible. I now know it can also mean that she trusts me totally to not cross the line. You'd be suprised how far a simple question goes; "Would you like a hug"? or "I need a hug." However, if a Englishman says "I need to be COODLED, that is a horse of a different color." We have a very complex language, why don't we use it?

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: Bassic
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 02:18 PM

OOOOppss!!!! Think something got implied in the transatlantic translation. Jeri, Just to clarify.....9ugger as in "a bit of a skallywag", cheaky chap, nothing else implied or at all sugested! Smallpiper is, as he says, well known in these here parts as a hugger, but he also has a large dollop of charm inherited from his Irish antecedants and a "masters" in reading body language, which to us shy and dour yorkshiremen qualifies him as being "a bit of a 9ugger, that one!" In truth, its us dour types that loose out. He gets all the best hugs!!

By the way, if anyone spots a spare hug lying arround doing nothing, please send to me, I have accomodation for a few and I would hate to see them homeless:-)

Keep on hugging, folkies.

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: Bobert
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 01:42 PM

I'll hug anyone or anything any time or place. But I have learned from a life time of touching folks to read them. Once you become a hugger it comes almost instinctual to reads folks. Then you know what you can get away with that doesn't bug folks. And there are some folks that just send out that body language that says, "No hugs and stay the heck out of my space." What you do with them is just gently touch them on the arm at first. After a whilw they're gonna let you more into their space or less. But huggers know all this stuff....

Big ol' hug, especially to DougR. He hates 'em but he's getting a little better each time....

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 01:21 PM

I get the impression that to be a folkie you must come from a non-hugging family background.

Allan

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: Amos
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 01:17 PM

Watch out, world. Rick is transmogrifying PeterT!!! Hugs and...folk music....and... dang folks, look out. A Chrysalid Soul is Heading Your Way!! :>))

A

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: Jeri
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 01:05 PM

Peter T, Rick is training you to be a huggist? Oh my!

9assic...never mind.

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 12:51 PM

I come from a non-hugging family like many others and due to circumstances that have happened in my past I used to find it difficult to hug. Now I have lots of good friends and a wonderful boyfriend who knows when I need a hug, and he does give good hugs!!! I am quite comfortable with the hugging thing but I am sometimes apprehensive about hugging people I am not close to or I hardly know.

Keep Hugging

Cat

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: Bassic
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 12:51 PM

Mind you, I have always thought Smallpiper was a bit of a 9ugger anyway!!!!!!!:)

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: Peter T.
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 12:51 PM

If the implication of your increasing hugginess includes more spinoffs like that woman you inveigled me into hugging last night, Rick, I say -- keep up the good work!!

yours, Peter T. (acolyte of His Hugginess)

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: C-flat
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 12:38 PM

Although I'm from a non-hugging family, myself, my 3 brothers and my sister are all quite comfortable with displaying affection in the form of a hug when greeting or parting. What I have a real aversion to is those people who kiss the air next to your cheek and go "MMMWWWUU". AAAARRRGGGHHH!

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: smallpiper
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 12:34 PM

Hugging is great therapy. The rules are fairly simple, really, offer the huggee space to accept the hug and if they do great if they don't then great, change it to a touch on the arm or shoulder. Contact = good.

I've been a hugger all my life and dispite getting into difficulty (occasionally) will never change.

Hugs to all

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: Jerry Rasmussen
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 12:25 PM

Funny that so far, we all grew up in non-hugging families. Somewhere along the line as an adult, I gradually became comfortable with hugging. I didn't go through any sensitivity training... I think it was just a natural response to having people hug me as a greeting and a goodbye. At first, I was very uncomfortable with it because it was something I had rarely experienced. Now, it seems like the most natural thing in the world and I don't find it any less natural hugging a male friend than a female.

While all of these changes were taking place in my life, a thousand miles away my family was evolving into a family of huggers. My Dad was the last hold-out. He'd accept a hug with an "Aw shucks" bashfulness, but never took the initiative, himself. My suspicion is that thre's been a societal change, not a coincidental change of millions of people. I can't prove it for a fact, but it seemed to start hapenning when we all started using flouride... :-)

Jerry

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 12:24 PM

Yes, but are you exchanging full-body hugs or A-frame-shaped hugs? I recommend full-body, but it can feel pretty scary, whether with a same-sex person or an opposite-sex person, what with all the conditioning in our society!

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: kendall
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 12:08 PM

I also grew up in a non hug family, but,I have always felt comfortable hugging women friends, and it's only recently that I have been comfortable hugging men friends. I guess it came to me that it has nothing to do with sex and that made it ok. We are primates, and, primates need bodily contact to avoid going psychotic. I have to leave, the voices are calling...

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: Micca
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 11:55 AM

I have found that, in the main, Mudcatters hug, A LOT,
My family were very "Not-Touchy" so I had, at quite a late stage( 20's) to LEARN about social hugging, Now I think it is real good, and Ok with me, with men it is a case of watching for that "hesitation" that says" I am not comfortable with being hugged" then I will change to a handshake, but a hug , I find is a much warmer, more friendly greeting, and I prefer them. At the Getaway last year and before and after, Both at Mudcat gatherings here in the UK and in the US I have been hugged by practically EVERY mudcatter I have met and that is somewhere close to a Hundred or more now!!!!
So Grit your teeth Fielding and take it like a man, as the genuine sign of affection which it means to the people you meet, and in NO time you will be enjoying it!!

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: Jeri
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 11:41 AM

Well, I could have edited that last message more. It was a somewhat overly redundant towards the end.

I have enough problems figuring out if I should hug or not. The type of hug is not something I want to analyze. I don't want to predict whether a hug should be a barely-touching one or a serious squash. I usually go for the mid-range squash. Now, if someone just tells me they don't want to be hugged or gives me some idea what sort of contact would be acceptable to them, that's wonderful. Like I said, it's not the hugging/not hugging that are difficult, it's figuring out what's appropriate. If someone tells me, I don't have to figure it out!

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: Jeri
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 11:28 AM

Up until finding folkies, I didn't hug anybody except relatives, and only some of them when I couldn't get away in time. I didn't grow up in a "touchy" family. We weren't extreme - probably what was normal for the culture we were in. I found folk music in the 70's and folks were hugging all over the place. I think many of the people I met were flower children who had grown up a bit. It took me a while to get comfortable with it. It was a new social thing, and I wasn't sure who I should hug or when. The rules were what I wasn't comfortable with, not the actual hugging. I still haven't got 'em figured out.

It's not the hugging that's scary, it's figuring out the rules, and hoping other people are either sensitive or forgiving, or both.

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 11:20 AM

Never been too into the routine hugging and that myself. Giving a friend a hug when they're upset maybe and need one is one thing, but as a handshake equivalent I've never liked it. Not even as a hippy.

Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: Amos
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 11:15 AM

Well I never mind a decenthug, and I never mind just shaking hands -- I take it as it comes. I think it's a good practice, reduces the remoteness of personal space a bit.

But ya know, you should do what you yourself wish to do, man. Forcing yourself isn't a viable solution, IMHO.

A

Subject: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 10:52 AM

OK, truth to tell, I did very little hugging at all until I was talked into joining a 'sensitive new-age men's group' a few years ago. It was fun, a bit scary at times, and hugely valuable for a couple of weeks when I was going through a major 'situation'. As usual, I quickly became the 'deviant' (in a nice, pleasant, and not dangerous way) in the group, because having ALREADY gone through my hippie phase when I was much younger, I didn't need to read Robert Bly, or bang on a drum to release the 'child' in me. It never left! The other guys were all professionals with wives and children and had real jobs with actual responsibilities, and to a man had accepted at least some of the conformities that I had always (and still do) run from.

There was a LOT of hugging.....and I did get over my uncomfortableness.....sort of. It absolutely amazed me how comfortable some folk were/are with that "hello" hug, and "goodbye" hug.

Last night I went to a friend's album release concert, and found myself in a situation that brought back quite a bit of the old "to hug or not to hug" thing. Bumped into a LOT of old friends and acquaintances.....and did a lot of hugging...AND some "is this a hug situation or not" stuff....

So....Anyone got any thoughts, personal experience stuff or comments? I'm OK if it turns out that I really AM in the minority on this.

Cheers

Rick