Daft instructions

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Big Mick
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 02:04 PM

No they aren't.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: CarolC
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 11:39 AM

What I'm wondering is how Mr. Happy was able to do it. Most old non-music threads like this one are now closed.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: CarolC
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 11:36 AM

LR Mole was the last person to post to it before it was recently refreshed. He passed away in December of 2001 (Happy Birthday, Mr. Mole).

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Arnie
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 10:45 AM

This thread is so old that I've just read it and didn't immediately realise it was one of mine! Gosh - August 2001, my daughter was still living at home and into camping - seems like a lifetime ago. It's a sort of zombie thread, returning from the dead after 8 yrs - what prompted Mr Happy to resurrect it I wonder??

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: GUEST,NIckp cookieless
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 10:27 AM

Sit on a hot stove and stir frequently

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: s&r
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 05:46 AM

The intentionally blank page is used in examinations to assure thecandidate that the page is not blank due to a printing error

Stu

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 05:39 AM

At risk of thread drift - I have posed in another thread

"For all the good those suppsotories did me, I migh just as well have shoved 'em up my arse".

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 05:38 AM

My favourite was the promise I saw emblazoned on a can of insect spray: "Kills with permanent and long-lasting death."

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Slag
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 05:30 AM

Wasn't it "This page intentionally left blank." And, of course, it was perhaps INTENDED to be left blank but now it has writing on it.

Now appearing on Rx bottles everywhere "Take by mouth". Wow! consider the possibilities! "Uh, Doctor, I took the medicine and it didn't do anything to help my condition. In fact I'm worse. Now I can barely hear a thing! What's that you say? Eh? Oh, no I stuck them in my ears."

And it could have been worse!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: CarolC
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 03:37 AM

It was upstairs because it was started in 2001, before there was a BS section, so when it was refreshed, it automatically went up top.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: manitas_at_work
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 02:31 AM

Doesn't this thread pre-date the BS split?

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 03:25 PM

Oh - and the last bit could make it into a music thread. It was from Mike Canavan - "The easiest thing in all the world is to do what you are told"

D.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 03:23 PM

Open tin and stand in boiling water for 30 minutes. My feet were sore for weeks.

But I am told I should not take these things too literealy. An old lady asked me if I could see her across the road the other day. So I crossed over, came back and said "Yes, I can see you fine thanks."

:D (eG)

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 02:30 PM

My first computer, which had it's ups and downs, once gave me this message;
Keyboard not detected, press any key to continue!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Acorn4
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 01:13 PM

We were forced to be in the CCF at school and had to do a bit of army training. There was an excerpt from a manual on judging distances which went something like:-

"Take a point which is approximately half way to the point to which you want to estimate the distance.

Estimate the distance to that point and double it!"

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Mavis Enderby
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 12:35 PM

On a packet of noodles:

"Cook until done"

Can't argue with that!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 10:56 AM

After hearing in "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy about the instructions on a packet of toothpicks (I think that's where I read it), I checked a few of the Read Before Using notes on items where one would think them unnecessary. I found on a packet of wet wipes/naps, "Tear open packet, remove wet nap, unfold and use." Right, not particularly effective if you don't take it out of the container.

When I had a tubal ligation in the '80s, one of the multitude of legal papers I had to sign was one warning me that the procedure might possibly make me sterile. I said to the nurse, "If it DOESN'T, my surgeon gets sued!)

Linn

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Rasener
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 10:44 AM

LOL

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: RTim
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 10:44 AM

This Page is blank

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: GUEST,Peter Laban
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 09:37 AM

At a camp site: 'Every erection on this site must be reported to the warden'

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Rasener
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 09:33 AM

LOL Just reading instructions for attending hospital.

Do not wear any make up, or nail polish on your fingers and toes.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 09:17 AM

I used to like the one on a jampot: "To open, pierce with a pin; then push off".

[I too have been wondering why this is a musical thread — but I suppose it's all folklore of a sort.]

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Rog Peek
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 08:58 AM

Mr. Happy, I suppose it's because someone forgot to read the instruction!

Rog

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Young Buchan
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 08:46 AM

There used to be a computer called an Archimedes. They were nice little educational machines aimed at schools. I guess they had a couple of Mgs memory, and were used mainly for word processing/DTP.

The instruction book used to carry the warning: This machine should not be used as part of a life support system.

The terrifying thing is the early instruction books didn't carry the warning. So presumably it was added because ....!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Suegorgeous
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 10:17 PM

Umm, wasn't! :0 :)

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Leadfingers
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 09:55 PM

DONT imply ANY criticism of the way this site works !!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Suegorgeous
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 09:44 PM

Umm, yes it is!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Mr Happy
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 09:14 PM

Why is this under the music threads?

Its not under the music threads

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Q (Frank Staplin)
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 09:11 PM

On an old one on this renewed thread, from Kendall-

"On a bottle of tub and tile cleaner for bathrooms, use only in a well-vented place. If the bathroom was well-vented, one wouldn't have mildew or mould in the first place."

Obviously Kendall has never lived in the steamy south or the tropics!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Suegorgeous
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 09:10 PM

Why is this under the music threads?

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Mr Happy
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 08:57 PM

On a seed packet, 'when seedlings are 2 inches high, stand outside for a few days'


.......on a box of matches, 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN!' - sound advice!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: LR Mole
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 08:45 AM

Oop--off we go into headlines:THUGS EAT,THEN ROB,PROPRIETOR...

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Michael in Swansea
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 07:52 AM

On a chainsaw box "Do not attempt to stop rotating blade with genitals"

Mike

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: kendall
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 06:56 AM

On a bottle of tub & tile cleaner, for bathrooms, use only in a well ventilated area. If the bathroom was well vented, you wouldn't have mould or milldew in the first place.

on a plastic wheelbarrow...do not use in temperatures above 150 degrees.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Ringer
Date: 03 Aug 01 - 05:36 AM

Dave the Gnome's post above reminds me of that celebrated wartime headline: "BRITISH PUSH BOTTLES UP GERMANS".

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: GUEST,Geordie
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 11:20 PM

on a bathing suit..."dry clean only"!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: GUEST,khandu
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 06:56 PM

Recently seen on a soft drink bottle (Maybe Snapple),

"Chill, Remove cap, Drink, repeat steps 1-3 if necessary."

khandu

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Bert
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 06:51 PM

Seen on a barbecue grill

Lighting instructions
  1. Read instructions before lighting.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: GUEST,Dave the cookieless (at the mo) Gnome
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 06:29 PM

Seen this very evening on a sachet of Sainsbury's Carbonara sauce - Cut packet open part way and stand upright in the microwave.

Who else but a Gnome could do that????

Best one is the old instructions on a famous deodorent (sp?) - Remove lid and push up bottom....;-)

Cheers

DtG

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 05:35 PM

And 'warning, may cause drowsiness' on the bottle of sleeping pills I got for myself, for my daughter's teething pain.....

LTS

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 05:34 PM

I like the warning 'do not drive or operate heavy machinery' printed on the bottle of children's paracetamol (Calpol) I was recommended for my daughter's teething pain! Does a plastic hammer count as 'heavy machinery'?

LTS

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Arnie
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 04:25 PM

then there's the old favourite "Warning - this product may contain peanut" - printed on an airline pack of peanuts!!

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: pavane
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 04:22 PM

New Scientist ran these for weeks (or months). 'Caution may be hot when heated' and so on.

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: Micca
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 04:01 PM

I've always liked the Instructions on a bottle of Shampoo years ago
" carefully pour a lttle shampoo into the palm of each hand...!!!!"

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 04:00 PM

Arnie: Many years ago, at one of my first trips to the Walnut Valley Festival - greatest campground pickin' ever - a couple of boys from Texas made the trip ('bout 600 miles). They got there with their gitars and their tent. Forgot the tent poles.

They proved you can sleep in a tent without an erection.

Seemed to have a good time too.

John

Subject: RE: Daft instructions
From: radriano
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 03:55 PM

Seen on a bag of Fritos corn chips:

Enter the contest. No purchase necessary. Details inside.

Subject: Daft instructions
From: Arnie
Date: 02 Aug 01 - 03:49 PM

I thought I'd seen some stupid instructions in my time but yesterday I read a prize winner!! My daughter was trying to put up a new tent, and having a few problems. Working on the old premise that 'when all else fails, read the instructions', I had a look at the little book that came with it. The first line read "Ensure you erect tent before using it"!!! I kid you not - I just had this vision of some hapless sod trying to wriggle into the tent without erecting it first and wondering why there was so little room inside!