BS: New Union Suit for Cletus

Subject: RE: BS: New Union Suit for Cletus
From: Alice
Date: 25 Oct 99 - 03:46 PM

To go along with the new outfit, here are the Martha Stewart tips for Rednecks (pardon the expression, Cletus).

IN GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the
answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Subject: RE: BS: New Union Suit for Cletus
From: catspaw49
Date: 23 Oct 99 - 11:57 AM

I reely wanna thank yall fer yur hep in this. Yur right fine an upstannin folks to be so chairtibel an all.

CLETUS

Subject: RE: BS: New Union Suit for Cletus
From: katlaughing
Date: 22 Oct 99 - 12:23 AM

Cletus, darling, if all you're worried about is covering your privates, I think I've found just the thing for you, here, and there's even two sizes to choose from. Ya might wanna ask 'Spaw or Paw or one of the boys to help you decide just which size you might need to order. And, if you're gonna stick around 'Spaw's for the winter, ya might need to add some of that furry critter stuff, anyway.

Good luck, honey, you're gonna need it.

katlaughing

Subject: RE: BS: New Union Suit for Cletus
From: sophocleese
Date: 22 Oct 99 - 12:09 AM

Cletus

As you can see we are working on trying to get you new underwear. In the meantime if you're having problems because Catspaw wants his bathrobe back when you have to do laundry you might try heading out back and checking the local bushes for strands of shed possum, or other animal, fur; about this time they are losing their summer coat to grow the winter one. Its good for weaving; possum fur is already warped and you can weave in whatevers weft. You wouldn't need a lot to make yourself something simple like a sock with two heels which should be sufficient to cover the indecencies while doing your laundry.

Sophocleese

Subject: RE: BS: New Union Suit for Cletus
From: T in Oklahoma (Okiemockbird)
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 10:47 PM

Jumpsuits are good. He may just have to settle for a kilt while it's on order.

Subject: RE: BS: New Union Suit for Cletus
From: Jeri
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 09:45 PM

AAck! Lamarca, you reminded me I have a pair of those tie-died ones in a box in the basement somewhere. (Mine are only indigo/raspberry/white.) No, Cletus, they're mine and wouldn't fit you, anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: New Union Suit for Cletus
From: sophocleese
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 09:40 PM

Yeah, lamarca, I agree its what he needs but does he get to wear the suit as well?

Subject: New Union Suit for Cletus
From: lamarca
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 09:35 PM

OK, folks, poor Cletus has been hangin' around in other threads lookin' for his underwear (or a new replacement). Since I, personally, find the prospect of Cletus exposing his nether regions to be somewhat frightening, I suggest we all search the Web to find Cletus a new pair of long johns. Here's one possibility, but they seem a bit boring. Or, we could go with 100% polypropylene here. But, IMHO, THIS is what ol' Cletus needs!